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The New Circle Circular

UofL Players Appear To Not Be Adjusting Well To This Season’s Pay Cuts

UofL Players Appear To Not Be Adjusting Well To This Season’s Pay Cuts

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“The economy around us has changed and we are all making some cutbacks,” Head Coach David Padgett says to his team as he passes out Lean Cuisine meals. “We’ve all had to take pay cuts, everyone in this room, but we can’t let it impact our performance.”

Whenever management is forced to cut salaries there is always a risk that performance will be impacted. And after a devastating 29 point loss to UK over the weekend, it’s become evident that the pay cuts players have taken this year have indeed had a negative effect.

“I was expecting a check,” Senior Clark Vance said. “Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 4 years with the University. I’ve gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don’t want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain…” “Sucks,” interjected redshirt sophomore Russ Snelling.

After telling the players that they all just needed to keep working and that he would try to get bonuses reinstated, Padgett left the meeting room and went into the kitchen. He began unboxing those Lean Cuisine Supreme Pizzas where you have to fold the box over to create a cooking surface and started microwaving them two at a time. “We’ve got recruits coming in later,” Padgett said to us, smiling as he fought back tears. “I hope these high schoolers like low cal pepperonis.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Northwestern Football Team Dreaming Of The Day They Will Write About Bowl Games Instead Of Play In Them

Northwestern Football Team Dreaming Of The Day They Will Write About Bowl Games Instead Of Play In Them

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Northwestern University’s football team is excited to take the field on Friday as they lineup against the Wildcats in the Music City Bowl, but many of the players indicated that they’d be more excited to be lining up for popcorn in the press box.

“Look, this game will be fun and everything,” senior Travis Patterson told the media after asking each of them for their autograph. “The real treat though, will be next year, when we’re getting to sit where you sit, writing about sports instead of actually playing them.”

Northwestern is renowned for its sports journalism program as it’s produced a number of ESPN and FOX Sports personalities. In fact, many call Northwestern “Syracuse for people from Milwaukee.”

Patterson concluded his media appearance by saying, “Look, most of us here at Northwestern are going to be going pro in something other than sports, but we’ll also be going pro in something other than print media, as it’s a dying industry. Luckily, our curriculum has prepared us for when our future employers inevitably pivot to video.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Fans Disappointed Kenny “Sky” Walker Not In Latest Star Wars Film

Fans Disappointed Kenny “Sky” Walker Not In Latest Star Wars Film

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

While it may have won big at the box office with the largest opening weekend ever, Star Wars: The Last Jedi managed to lose the admiration of the nerdiest portion of the Big Blue Nation, and they have subsequently taken to Twitter in droves to relay their disappointment with the latest installment of the Star Wars film franchise.

Some of these nerds blame the corporate fatcats at Disney for the commercialization of the commercial enterprise, while others want to point the blame at a director who previously only worked with Joseph Gordon Levitt. Regardless of where the fingers are being pointed, their question is the same, “Where is Kenny ‘Sky’ Walker?”

In the early 80’s Lexington was home to a lot of outerspace friendly basketball players, as Melvin Turpin was known as the Big Dipper and Kyle “O Ren” Macy enjoyed his senior year as a star and in their wars nerds found a crossover fanbase with the Kentucky Wildcats.

“Look I came to this film with the promise of learning more about the Skywalker clan and how far across time and space their lineage spans, and you aren’t even gonna show a glimpse of the only one that has won an NBA Dunk contest?” asked Walker’s former coach and mentor Joe B. Hall Kenobi.

“Someone even gave me a spoiler before I went. They said you’d get to see someone related to Luke flying around like this,” explained the Coach as he tried to mimic the ‘Michael Jordan Jumpman’ pose, “and I thought for sure that meant we’d see Kenny posterizing that dude from Girls, but no dice. Literally.”

While many fans attended the premier of the long awaited Star Wars installment at the Kentucky Theatre, they were left more questions than answers at the advertised post-film Q&A with Kenny “Sky” Walker.

“I had a bunch of questions about what it was like to hang out on set with Warwick Davis, but it turns out Kenny never even met him, and he hadn’t even seen Willow. So total bust,” said Hall who still plans on watching the next film. “OH yeah a young Hand Solo in his own movie? I’ll be there.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Pizza Hut Delivery Tracker Promises Eric C. Conn Will Get To US In Next 45-55 Minutes

Pizza Hut Delivery Tracker Promises Eric C. Conn Will Get To US In Next 45-55 Minutes

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky law enforcement officials are celebrating as they finish counting down the minutes for their delivery of fugitive Eric C. Conn and a 2 liter of Sprite. In an arrest order placed by the FBI on June 2nd for the fugitive, Pizza Hut has finally located the order and are delivering him as we speak.

It’s rumored that Conn had been living in a Havana pizza cafe just a few months ago, however Cuban pizza magnate Domingo Digiono refused to deliver the fugitive.

While Conn himself has always been “more of a Papa John’s guy” he’s prided himself on avoiding arrest for just over 6 months. Conn was last seen eating gas station food somewhere in New Mexico, and authorities lost track of him as he neglected to use his speedy rewards card at the time of his purchase.

Authorities had trouble tracking down Conn after receiving what they thought were initially conflicting reports causing a Domino’s effect of confusion. “One minute we’re getting intelligence saying, he’s at the pizza hut,” explained this case’s lead F.B.I. agent Patrick Noid, “The next we’re hearing he’s at a Taco Bell. Once one of our decoders started scanning the reports, we realized Conn was at a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.”

Local La Ceiba Pizza Hut manager Pequeño Ceasar assured reporters that Conn will still be warm when he arrives back on U.S. soil. “We placed him in the insulated pizza bag on behalf of the F.B.I. It’s way more secure than an ankle bracelet.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Blue Hair Fans Getting The Best Seats For Smackdown At Rupp Threatens To Ruin Atmosphere

Blue Hair Fans Getting The Best Seats For Smackdown At Rupp Threatens To Ruin Atmosphere

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Whether it’s been Face vs Heel, Hogan vs Andre the Giant, Stone Cold vs The Rock, or Elderly Fan vs Young Student Fan, the WWE has always been home to rivalries. Recently, the latter has really heated up as millennials have found themselves battling with D-Generation Xers for the best seats in the house.

“How can they expect us young wrestling fans to show up at Rupp, when they give all the good seats to those old blue hairs,” asks one student who we didn’t bother writing their name down but I can assure you it was Tristan or Brecken or something. “Sure these old people have been coming to Rupp for pro-wrestling events for 60 years, but they add nothing to the atmosphere. Time to buy some binoculars, grandpa,” explained Skylar (maybe), barely looking up from his phone.

We asked an old guy that was eating soup as if it were a meal in Rupp Arena’s food court about why he thinks his generation deserves the best seats. “Because I’ve put in my time. I was here when Andre the Giant body slammed that jobber, when Rupp only hosted house shows. I was here the first time Doink the Clown brought out Dink. I was there.” He then stammered on for a while like most old people will if you give them the chance, but eventually we started paying attention again and he was like, “You also gotta remember that these students have been here for ten minutes, and I’ve been paying more than face value on tickets for years now. I mean just to smell the lower arena I have to make a sizable donation to the World Wildlife Fund every year.”

Others argue that when WWE does a show at Cameron Indoor, all the students get the best ringside seats and it’s just not fair. However, some also point the failing numbers in attendance can be blamed on the way the WWE schedules their shows at Rupp.

“Look we all wanna see John Cena wrestle,” said WWE superfan Bill Meck, “but I don’t really wanna pay big bucks to watch him wrestle Fort Wayne.”

While it’s true that many of tonight’s smackdown attendees are legacy WWE ticket holders, Meck believes they’ve earned it. “Today’s generation doesn’t understand loyalty the way Rupp Arena does. I mean when we were kids we didn’t mess around, so when we made that pledge to NWO we meant it, and when you’re NWO for life, it’s legitimately FOR LIFE.”

In the end both sides have understandable claim to the seats at Rupp. While students might be louder and at this point in their lives might even care about the outcomes of each match more, older fans take the same pain medications the wrestlers do, so in the end you’re splitting hairs, and at Rupp, the hairs will always end up blue.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Campus Starbucks Releases Basketball Spice Latte

Campus Starbucks Releases Basketball Spice Latte

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

For most coffee shops, Pumpkin Spice is the seasonal beverage. But here in the bluegrass, November means basketball season. That’s why Starbucks is now offering a basketball flavored latte.

Shift manager Denise walks us through the process. “We start with espresso and steamed milk. Then we add three pumps of the ‘Court Side Syrup’. It’s a mixture of locally sourced sweat from Rupp Arena and high fructose corn syrup. We finish it off by squeezing the air out of an entire basketball into each cup.” Denise tossed the deflated husk into a recycling bin. “The only dribbling those’ll be doing is on your chin,” she added with a smile.

“Everyone on the team has been in to try it.” said barista Kyle. “Except Dillon Pulliam. Not sure I’ve met him.” He looks at the name written on the cup he’s just finished and yells “Phillum. Your order’s ready. Phillum.” A saddened Dillon Pulliam takes the cup and mopes to the creamer station.

The flavor hasn’t been a slam dunk with all the patrons.

“I think it’s disgusting,” said UK student Shelton Manzana. “It smells like hot asphalt. Why didn’t they just put some lines on a macaroon?”

The company is also now offering some specialty Basketball Lattes named after the coaches. The ‘Joe B. Hall’ is decaffeinated with splenda. The ‘Rick Pitino’ is served with a splash of creamer onto your jeans. And the ‘Billy Gillespie’ comes with a shot of scotch on the side and a BLT with a bite taken out of it.

The coffee shop is also keeping with the season by selling some holiday themed music CD’s. Like Coach Cal’s harmonica heavy Christmas album, which includes the title track, “Harp! The Herald Angels Swing”.

The shop says they plan on keeping the flavor all the way to the NCAA. “Depending on how things go this could be on our chalk board till mid April,” says shift manager Denise. “We’re definitely not selling out of these anytime soon.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Calipari Shows Off Blues Harmonica For Last Three Hours Of Trip To Chicago

Calipari Shows Off Blues Harmonica For Last Three Hours Of Trip To Chicago

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky goes on the road to meet Kansas Tuesday night for the Champions Classic in Chicago. A city with a history of great basketball and musical talent, Coach Calipari was ecstatic to be visiting The City of Blues.

“Back to that same old place, Sweet Home Chicago,” sang Calipari before cupping a harmonica in his hands and sustaining a single note while writhing around in his chair. “It’s like he was impersonating someone doing a solo,” recalled a confused Kenny Payne.

We asked Payne if the harmonica was part of the Coach’s standard pregame travel routine, “No. I think he got it when we stopped at Cracker Barrel.”

Calipari himself maintains that the harmonica was given to him at a Mississippi crossroads after making a deal with the devil.

“Muddy Waters, Howlin Wolf, John Mayer. That guy can really wail,” said Calipari before sliding the harmonica back and forth across his lips mimicking a train engine. “All aboard the Night Train,” he said, announcing his next rendition. “Hear that train comin down the line, Keep up with it Johnny!” Assistant to the coach, John Robic, tried to keep the tempo on a Yamaha electric bass he brought specifically for the trip.

“After my son graduates, maybe I’ll go pro,” said Cal as he wiped saliva off the harmonica on his suit jacket. Coach Cal then added, “I guess this road trip makes me a real Blues Traveler” before laughing hysterically into his harmonica, only briefly stopping to check and see that Kenny Payne had heard him say it the first time.

Calipari then put on a DVD of “The Blues Brother’s” calling it what got him hooked on the blues. The movie played on the flat screens spaced out above the player’s seats. Towards the end of the film the bus driver yelled at Calipari for attempting a John Belushi style cartwheel in the aisle.

Before the early tip off of the Champions Classic the coach was seen outside the arena in sunglasses and a fedora asking some street performers if he could jam on their set.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Rand Paul Out 3-6 Weeks, Expected To Return To Senate After Bye Week

Rand Paul Out 3-6 Weeks, Expected To Return To Senate After Bye Week

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Reports of Senator Rand Paul suffering an injury had been popping up all weekend but it has now been confirmed that the senator is expected to miss 3-6 weeks as he recovers from broken ribs. The doctor that made the tackle on Paul was in fact penalized for targeting and will have to sit out the first half of the next congressional session. The Senate announced that they would not be putting Paul on the IR and expect him back this season. Many political reporters have been calling for the Senator to slide more to avoid risking injuries and you can expect those calls to be louder than ever now, but Paul has insisted that this won’t change his governing style.

The injury has sent many Fantasy Senate Managers scrambling to the waiver wire to pick up a replacement. While the fringe senator is droppable in most leagues, savvy managers will want to pick him back up in a couple weeks to make a push for the playoffs as Paul carries value in both standard scoring leagues as well as PPR (Point Per Rand) leagues.

The senate will have to rely on a heavy dose of discussing tax reform during Paul’s absence. Paul, however, has said he plans to return to Capital Hill as soon as possible to begin rehabbing the injury.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


An Embarrassed John Robic Is The Only Coach In Costume At Film Session

An Embarrassed John Robic Is The Only Coach In Costume At Film Session

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL,” yelled special assistant John Robic as he kicked in the door of the UK Basketball media room, “I HAVE THE POWER!” His entrance was impressive, and the golden haired basketball film expert was the spitting image of HE-MAN himself, but unfortunately he was the only member of UK’s staff dressed in a Halloween costume.

Assistant Coach Kenny Payne shook his head in disbelief, “Man I felt bad but I had to look away, so he couldn’t see me laughing. I swear I almost cried. Seriously c’mon bro, who let him out of the house looking like that? He’s a grown man!”

Payne wasn’t the only one in attendance fighting back tears of laughter, “Usually our film sessions are dress down days, but most of us think of that as meaning we don’t have to wear a suit. Robic dude you’re barely wearing clothes,” joked assistant coach Tony Barbee

Coach John Calipari admitted he felt bad about Robic being the only one in the office dressed up on Halloween, “I found a packed of Ketchup and dropped a dab of it under my nose. I yelled at Robes, and was like ‘Hey look here, I’m eleven’ but he stepped out to change into sweats.” Normally Cal doesn’t mind people breaking away from long film sessions for a little while, however, he was worried about Robic’s sudden exit, “who know’s how long he’ll be in there combing his hair. We all know he has to wait for it to be damp before he can hit it with four blasts of that Farah Fawcett spray.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Win Or Lose, Tennessee Players Are Hoping To Make Some Lifelong Friends On Saturday

Win Or Lose, Tennessee Players Are Hoping To Make Some Lifelong Friends On Saturday

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

This Saturday, the Wildcats will host a Tennessee team that, while only boasting a 3-4 record, has already won the championship of life. The life champs head to Lexington hoping not just to add to their win total, but also their friend total as the Volunteers have announced they will spend the game trying to forge lifelong friendships with their counterparts.

“I’m tired of taking guys down,” said defensive lineman Tyson Jones, “I’m ready to start building guys up.” Jones continued, “there’s no hostility when I tackle a guy. In my mind when I clench around his waist and we crash into the turf, I’m saying ‘I see you. I’m with you.’ That’s why I love tackling, but for me man, the best part of the game is the huddle.”

Vols backup quarterback Brayden Klopp said he has spent hours preparing for the game by going through his Facebook profile to make it ready for the new friend requests he’s expecting. “Gotta get it nice and tidy so the other teams know what I’m about off the field, too,” Klopp exclaimed.

“I treat every down like it could be my last,” said Free Safety Deron Lightwood clearing his throat, “chance to make some new connections on LinkedIn.” Lightwood wrapped up his statements and the Vols press conference by saying, “games come and go, wins can be vacated, loses can be forgotten, but friendships, friendships are forever man.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Full Rick Pitino Sex Tape Released As GIF

Full Rick Pitino Sex Tape Released As GIF

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In an attempt to fight the University of Louisville’s decision to terminate him as Head Basketball Coach, Rick Pitino and his attorney recently released a large amount of ‘evidence’ to the media. The two hoped a data dump of text messages and logs of phone activity, would help exonerate the coach of any wrongdoing. “Maybe some podcast can use cell towers to prove Coach Pitino had nothing to do with anything the basketball team did that was wrong, but everything they did that was right,” explained Pitino’s attorney and former Lt. Governor Steve Pence.

While the two explained the evidence would hide nothing, and a few blemishes upon the Coach were to be expected, neither realized the data dump would actually include, a full length sex tape. The incident, now being referred to as Rickyleaks, now has the former Head Coach in even more hot water than before.

According to the evidence, it appears Pitino had been sending the tape to friends on various messaging platforms as an animated GIF (please note, this was not a portion of the tape or a small clip but the tape in it’s entirety that was distributed via GIF).

In an attempt to deny the newest allegations said, “Giff? Jiff? I don’t know what that is and I’ve never done anything like that or sent anything like that.” Pitino said this as reporters showed him the GIF which was followed by a message sent by Pitino that included an eggplant and an old timey film camera emoji. The next message was from the recipient asking if the eggplant emoji was in reference to the video itself or the fact that the video was taking place in an Italian restaurant known for their eggplant parmesan.

“This is some really good GIF work,” said Kevin, a source familiar with the video and an expert in the industry. “I’m telling you. This guy could’ve been a vine star. I’ve never seen someone pack so much action into such a short period of time.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Look now it may seem silly, but we all remember that in “1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” Rhymes can help us remember versions of the past that may or may not be true. Since rhymes are so fun and since Columbus is offensive now we’ve come up with a new fun history-based rhyme.

In Nineteen Hundred And Ninety Two
UK had their worst loss ever, to that other team in blue

Rick had oceans of shooters, but one Timberlake in pain,
so we’d wait four more years til his Turn with Wayne

He pulled cats from the ashes, and freed the team from probation
Some sad to see him go, but happy he left us with a solid foundation

In the 90s all of Kentucky citizens were certainly on board
then came the affairs both short lived and untoward

Day after day the NCAA looked for the coach to be banned,
They found the coach was a creep, their women indiscreet, but never saw cash in hand.

A city saw that indiscretions down your leg can be swept under the rug,
but they can make big holes in your roster, that only shoe companies can help plug

However the NCAA never found evidence of the Coach’s willful misdeeds
until the FBI stepped in with Pitino-like speed

A shame for the city, they even lose 2013’s greatest success
and their program looks like their dorm rooms’ ceiling, a disgusting sticky mess

A Kentucky hero, a legend? No not quite
As old Rick was brave, but unfortunately not bright

Be careful of who you name your holidays after,
for 15 seconds they’re heroes, the next second disaster.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

A recently released from prison OJ Simpson reportedly passed on the offer to become UofL’s interim Athletic Director before the offer was finally extended to and accepted by Vince Tyra. Many felt Simpson would be a good fit as he was a stand out athlete on both the collegiate and professional levels and understood how to deal with the media as he was once (in this writer’s opinion) the true star of the Naked Gun films.

Simpson, however, felt that taking a job with the University of Louisville in it’s current state may tarnish his legacy. “No one has had a fall from grace like Coach Pitino,” Simpson said. “It’s hard to even fathom what that must feel like.”

“While I don’t feel that now is the right time for me to get associated with the University, I have reached out to Coach Pitino and recommended a ghost writer and sold him the title for his upcoming book, ‘If I Did It.’” Simpson continued, “sometimes the best way to get over something that you definitely didn’t do is to write a book detailing step by step how you would’ve done it if you did it. That way people know you’re innocent.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

News is moving quickly today as Rick Pitino and Tom Jurich were put on administrative leave and many anticipate their firing to be imminent, so the question that arose among many college basketball fans that we keep hearing is, ‘Who will end up coaching the team this year?’ The University of Louisville announced that they will be naming Pitino’s successor in the next 48 hours. Many fans are speculating the position could be filled by high profile names like Tom Crean or John Thompson III, but we’ve identified some outsider candidates that we believe will at least get a look from the administration.

Papa John

Papa John seems like a common sense candidate to step in and coach the UofL basketball team for at least the 2017-18 season. He has experience working with athletes at the highest level (see: Peyton Manning), he has a familiarity with the way the University operates as he has served on the Board of Trustees and he understands the importance of recruiting as he always says, better ingredients, better basketball. In a world where you’re looking to get away from a scandal domino effect, the Papa could be the way to go.

Ashton Kutcher

Aston knows a little something about taking over for people leaving in disgrace. With Tom Jurich and Rick Pitino both leaving the school will need to replace two giants in their industry. Kutcher has himself replaced two giants in the show business industry having replaced both Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men and Bruce Willis in Demi Moore.

Change Coaches Every Game Making The UofL Coach Like Dr. Who

While it seems unlikely that a constant change would be good for the development of the players, it would certainly keep things interesting. Dr. Who has used this technique with great success to keep an otherwise bad television show on the air for a long time. In a time when ratings are king, this could be exactly what the UofL program needs.

John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan

Turning to an attorney can’t be a bad idea for a program under investigation from the FBI. Morgan has experience leading a team of seemingly endless Morgans at Morgan and Morgan. As someone unafraid to take on the big insurance companies you can bet Morgan won’t be intimidated going up against Roy Williams and Coach K.

Pope Benedict XVI

Benedict has been out of the game for a while now and has yet to get into television broadcasting (the hardest place to pull someone out of if you’re looking to get them to come back and coach your team). If you’re going to make a move to clear your name in the court of public opinion hiring a former mouthpiece of the Almighty is not a bad place to start. Plus, no one knows how to keep Cardinals in line like a former Pope. Maybe a pipe dream but would be a good get.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Human genome researchers announced on Monday that they were finally able to isolate the gene that causes someone to cheer for the University of Florida. Researchers knew there was a genetic defect that caused people to cheer for Florida because, as Gene Watson said, “no one of sound mind and body would do that weird chomp thing so often without realizing how absurd it looked.”

When researchers pinpointed the genetic defect that causes people to cheer for the likes of Joakim Noah they additionally discovered that when this gene was removed, the person not only stopped cheering for Florida, but also felt the need to put on a shirt before going to the Olive Garden.

While this discovery has DNA researchers excited about the possibilities, they did say there were still limitations to what they could uncover. “I don’t believe current science has the capacity to figure out how South Carolina fans are able to get through a single football game with that rooster sound going off every 10 seconds,” Watson said. “It’s beyond our current realm of understanding.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.