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The New Circle Circular

Mark Stoops Spent Monday Getting Measured For Statue

Mark Stoops Spent Monday Getting Measured For Statue

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Football Coach Mark Stoops stands in his office as an artist makes quick sketches of him in the corner. As the artist draws an assistant wraps a thin tape measurer around the coaches waist recording measurements while Coach Stoops looks at two samples of marble held up by another assistant. “I’ll take the Carrara marble,” Stoops says as the assistant tucks away the unchosen piece of dark onyx.

“It took 26 years for Michelangelo to build the David,” artist Donna Tello. “This was 31 years in the making so it’s going to have to be a heck of a statue.” Tello goes on to say that she was not even officially commissioned by anyone for the statue. “As soon as Kentucky beat Florida on Saturday night I just started sketching, someone will pay for this.”

Like a hiker who conquered Everest, like a Michelin Star chef, like my aunt that has tried everything at Golden Corral, there is only one question for a UK football coach that has beaten Florida, ‘what do I do now?’ The coach briefly considered retirement after accomplishing an unthinkable goal. “I guess I thought maybe I’d spend some time with my family, or fish and play golf? Maybe I’d finally fix that darned screen door.” After a few hours of contemplation Stoops ultimately decided against retirement and will return to practice today.

“I feel like I still have some unfinished business,” said the coach with the ghostly complexion. “We’re just getting started here bro.” It was unclear to this reporter whether or not the coach was referring to just getting started achieving things with the UK Football program or if he was dictating the insignia at the bottom of the statue.

As for where the statue will reside; Mayor Jim Gray thinks he’s got the perfect open spot for a statue downtown.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kroger Field Adds Clicklist For Drive-Thru Football Experience For Absentee Sorority Members

Kroger Field Adds Clicklist For Drive-Thru Football Experience For Absentee Sorority Members

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

It’s been in the news recently that UK sorority members are going to be forced to attend a philanthropy training class that will keep them from attending Saturday’s football opener. The women, stuck between the end of rush week but unable to attend the game have referred to their situation as “rush limbo.”

Several sorority members on campus are livid they’re going to miss their only chance to see a non-conference opponent from a peninsula this year, and male students are upset they’ll miss out on their first social opportunity to be too nervous to talk to sorority members.

As a compromise, the University plans to provide a complimentary shuttle that will allow Sorority members to take a break from mandatory philanthropy training this Saturday. Both sorority members and potential pledges alike, will grab a clear bag and ride through a drive-thru game window, where Kroger field employees will provide a Clicklist version of the University’s home opener. Sorority members with a UK ID and a Kroger plus card will get a complimentary curbside view of the game, a ticket stub, and a brief sense of guarded optimism for the football season.

Unfortunately, this service will only be provided this weekend to accommodate the University’s scheduling error. However, KSBar is looking into continuing the service for fans that pre-game a little too much at the soon-to-be-opened restaurant.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kentucky Teachers Forced To Purchase Their Own Smelling Salts

Kentucky Teachers Forced To Purchase Their Own Smelling Salts

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky Governor and lifeguard in training Matt Bevin gave in-state teachers fair warning about the upcoming school year’s budget concerns during a radio interview today. He showed up wearing red swimming trunks with a whistle around his neck and K-mart sunblock on his nose.

“We’ve got ourselves a real good news/bad news situation right now financially. The good news is I’m about to knock out all the teachers in the Commonwealth, just long enough to solve all the problems they got themselves into. The bad news is they’ll have to wake themselves up after,” said the Governor in what sounded like a WWE promo for Summer Slam.

Then he called out Kentucky teachers for over an hour to meet him in the squared circle “if they dared”. He punctuated every other “dared” with a blow of his whistle. At one point it slipped through his sunblock-slick fingers and fell onto the floor next to his prepared talking points.

“I’m not perfect,” Bevin said. He spoke openly about how he had recently failed his first lifeguard certification exam at the Land Between The Lakes. He admitted his own shortcomings but was eager to blame his instructors and especially the fake victims he was tasked to save.

“Look, this situation is far from cut and dry. My shorts are still wet. I had some bad advice from some bad public beach lifeguards, and, honestly, I’ve only practiced saving dummies. I’m not used to drowning victims actually being able to swim a little.” Bevin blew his whistle again until the radio interviewer asked him to stop.

“You might think,” continued Bevin, “if you work with a drowning victim to bring them to shore it will be easier. But not in my experience. In my experience, I can only help you if you are a dummy. One without their own thoughts or feelings or the ability to express oneself. Or swim. Turns out that actual humans don’t want to swim laughing all the way to the bank like I do.”

Bevin ended the interview segment with one final skipped rock of wisdom. “There’s only one way to drown, and that’s because you did it to yourself. It wasn’t an accident through no fault of your own. Unless you’re some kind of dummy.”
The Governor’s Office later noted that while Bevin can use state funds to knock out the teachers, there isn’t enough in the budget to help the teachers regain consciousness so they’ll have to purchase their own smelling salts and any other supplies they might need to teach their students.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Jim Gray Announces Statewide Autograph Tour

Jim Gray Announces Statewide Autograph Tour

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Like other Lexington residents moving away for their career prospects before him, such as Kevin Knox, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Jarred Vanderbilt, and Wenyen Gabriel, Mayor Jim Gray will travel around the state signing autographs before he starts his new career in something other than politics. Whatever it is, it won’t be public speaking because although his voice is smooth as gravy, his hand gestures are as wild as cheesy biscuits.

The future former mayor announced the 7 stop tour this morning and revealed that it will begin Thursday at the Red Robin in Nicholasville. Gray, an undrafted 8th year Mayor, will always be remembered by the citizens of Lexington for playing his part in the 2012 National Championship, the part of Mayor.

Gray will be using the autograph tour as an opportunity to visit some areas of the state he’s never been to before, which would explain that Senate race result a few years ago. At the request of local fans, Gray will be creating traffic for no reason during each tour stop. His final tour date will be at Gattitown in Lexington where he will auction off a pair of campaign worn shoes. They are lightly used.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Mitch Barnhart Denies Tennessee’s Involvement With Checkerboard Jerseys

Mitch Barnhart Denies Tennessee’s Involvement With Checkerboard Jerseys

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart held a joint press conference with Former President and current Czar of Tennessee Al Gore where Barnhart announced that, despite all of the evidence uncovered by people showing Tennessee with checkerboard uniforms long before UK made the switch, Tennessee had no involvement in the checkerboard uniforms introduced a few years ago.

With the checkerboards being such a bad idea, Tennessee would seem to be an easy scapegoat for the error. However, Mitch and others claim it’s not an error at all, let alone the fault of Tennessee. “I asked Mr. Gore if he tricked us into using the checkerboards so they [UT] wouldn’t look as dumb wearing them and he said they didn’t do it and they’ve never even worn checkerboards,” Barnhart said. “They had nothing to do with the checkerboards, they were all my idea and, frankly, everyone loves them.”

When presented with pictures of Tennessee utilizing the checkerboard design in the past Barnhart simply said: “those aren’t checkerboard, those are chessboard.” Barnhart went on to explain that Chess represented Tennessee because it is a game with a long history and is played by the top minds in the game whereas checkers represented Kentucky because our strategy in football has largely been centered around wildly jumping over people and getting to one end of the field and stacking players on top of one another for some reason.

UK officials were reportedly disturbed to hear Kentucky thrown under the bus but planned to do nothing about it.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UK Basketball Preseason #4 In NBA Eastern Conference

UK Basketball Preseason #4 In NBA Eastern Conference

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

NBA Recruiting is in full-swing right now and John Calipari has positioned the Wildcats well once again. Former Cat Demarcus Cousins announced that he would be joining the Golden State Warriors as a grad transfer for $5.3 million which will allow him to get a nicer studio apartment in the Bay Area. While the addition of Cousins strengthens the Warriors position in the west, the NBA’s Eastern Conference is wide open. Kentucky, in addition to being a pre-season top five team in College Basketball, has also been predicted to finish in the playoff picture in the East.

Kentucky is positioned best of all the collegiate teams to finish in the Eastern Conference Playoff picture, their only competition coming from Duke who are not projected highly right now as it will be difficult for them to get under the NBA’s salary cap.

The Cats may not have a realistic chance of finishing at the top of the conference as Boston and Philadelphia both have very good, young teams, however, PJ Washington and EJ Montgomery pair up favorably with the Chicago Bulls frontcourt of Tall White Guy (interchangeable) and a guy no one remembers from the PAC-12 and Keldon Johnson and Quade Green are surely favorites over the Brooklyn Nets backcourt of that guy from Ohio State and probably a guy with a beard or something.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UK Basketball Signs Deal To Wear Nike Space Force Ones

UK Basketball Signs Deal To Wear Nike Space Force Ones

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The University of Kentucky’s student-athletes are under contract with Nike to wear their shoes until at least 2025, and the contract may not just be here on earth but in outer space as well.

Back in 2002, Nike Air Force Ones saw a big uptick in sales thanks to the likes of Nelly. While Band-Aids might still be waiting for their big Nelly bump in sales, Nike may see yet another sales boom this winter thanks to Space Force 1, the new sneaker line based off the new military branch President Trump recently announced.

Kentucky revealed, along with the shoe deal, that it is a finalist to play in the first Armed Forces Classic which will take place on a spacecraft carrier docked on the moon for the men and women of the newly announced Space Force in 2026.

With a new Space Force comes limitless possibilities, and not just because space itself is infinite. It also comes with marketing potential, and no one is quicker to jump on capitalistic potential than Nike. No one except the President, of course.

“Look, Space Force isn’t just gonna be an awesome long-awaited CGI-animated sequel to Space Jam, it’s also gonna be dope kicks. Oh, and a very expensive branch of the military. But mainly shoes -” seems like the kind of thing the President might say.

UK will be the sole wearers of the new Space Force Ones during the 2018-2019 basketball season, and the team’s support of the star troopers doesn’t stop there. Returnee Jonny David will be joining the University’s Space Force ROTC this summer to help stay in shape over the offseason and maybe meet an E.T.

The shoes will be available for sale in time for Christmas and will come in two colors: black and space camo, which is also black.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Liberal Legislators Introduce Bill To Turn Guntown Mountain Into Town Mountain

Liberal Legislators Introduce Bill To Turn Guntown Mountain Into Town Mountain

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Guntown Mountain originally opened in the 1960’s and featured carnival games, gun shows, and both can-can and can’t-can’t dancers. Then, over the last 50 years, the attraction suffered setbacks attributed to vandalism, ownership changes, and Barack Obama. However, in 2016 the current ownership group took over in hopes to restore the theme park to its once majestic glory. Arming themselves with hard work and determination, the group reopened the park a few weeks back to rave reviews.

However, it didn’t take long for Cave City’s western theme park to come under fire. Just two weeks after its grand reopening, some local liberal lawmakers have set their sights on changing its name. “We’re not saying you have to cancel your show here, let’s just take the one problematic part of the cast out,” began Wilson “Buggy” Williams, a tree-hugging representative from Bowling Green. “Let’s make a small compromise. We don’t want to stop glorifying violence or impact the open carry of cap and squirt guns you have, let’s just take the gun part out and call it ‘Town Mountain.'”

Williams claims his request comes from the recoil of a recent ‘scientific study’ which showed that “big game hunters from Guntown Mountain are endangering wildlife at nearby Dinosaur World.”

The owners of Guntown Mountain stood by their current signage. “If we outlaw guns, then only outlaws will have guns,” said a guy that runs a place based around the idea of outlaws having guns.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Lee Cruse Misses Perfect Game By 10 Frames

Lee Cruse Misses Perfect Game By 10 Frames

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Local celebrity Lee Cruse’s bowling game has become the subject of local lore after his infamous performance in the KSR bowling league. However, the television personality has reportedly been practicing every night at Southland Bowling Lanes and those in attendance report they saw Cruse nearly miss the perfect 300 game by a mere 10 frames.

Employees say they’ve seen Cruse at the lanes late into the night every night since the much talked about disaster of a league performance. “He’s usually here for a few hours, working on his craft until close,” said one employee, his face clouded by the mist of magic spray they use to sanitize the bowling shoes. “For the past few weeks every time you look down there you can see that bright pink 8 pounder of his gliding down the lane.”

Even though cruse came up just 10 frames short (no offense intended to Cruse here for using the word short) Southland has decided it will still honor his performance by framing his bowling shirt in an 8×10 frame that will be prominently displayed near the cash register.

Cruse has not been asked back to the KSR bowling league yet but some say that he isn’t being kept out solely because of his performance last time. “It’s an adults-only league, I shouldn’t have to find a kids size 7,” the employee behind the shoe counter said.

Cruse was last seen trying to pry the bumpers on the lane up without anyone noticing.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


I Voted 6 Times Today And Here’s What I Learned

I Voted 6 Times Today And Here’s What I Learned

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

KSR gave me 4 hours of paid leave today to get out there and vote, and like any good citizen I wanted to vote early and vote often. Unfortunately, I was only able to vote 6 times before I had to come back to work.

I learned a lot about statewide elections today since I was able to participate in half of a non-baker’s dozen of them. Hopefully, you can take what I learned today and apply them to when elections actually count for something in November.

Lesson 1: There are no bathrooms in the voting booths and the staff gets mad if they have to clean up after you. Pro Tip: Go before you get in line.

Lesson 2: An Inez Subway stamp card counts as a voter ID in Martin County.

Lesson 3: The choice isn’t always yours, you can pick your candidates but you can’t pick your seat. Many precincts don’t take reservations, the first voting hostess I met kept saying “Sir come this way, your booth is over there,” um thanks but no thanks I don’t want to have to wait I’ll just sit at the bar.

Lesson 4: If you see people wearing an “I voted” bracelet in Louisville, it only means they voted in the statewide election today. Unfortunately, the color of the bracelets are not an indication of what base they’re willing to go to with you.

Lesson 5: Dress for the job you have, don’t dress for the candidate you want. Kudos to 3 separate election officials I saw in Lexington that detained voters wearing a sweet leather jacket within 100 feet of a polling place. Rules are rules, and technically this counts as a campaign violation for Amy McGrath.

Lesson 6: There is nowhere to write in your opinion on Outback vs. Buffalo Wild Wings!!

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.