Kentucky Sports Radio

University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.





The New Circle Circular

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Sports Gambling

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Sports Gambling

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Need A Mother’s Day Gift? Consider The Complete Box Set Of The Family Minute

Need A Mother’s Day Gift? Consider The Complete Box Set Of The Family Minute

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday and many Kentuckians are still (read: starting) searching for the perfect Mother’s Day Gift. While Sherry’s Berries or Pro Flowers are great options, this year dedicated Kentucky Sports Radio listeners have another option, an option ideal for a Mother you don’t really like, the complete box set of ever Family Minute with Mark Merrill that has ever aired.

The 486 tracks are compiled across seven CD’s, the full runtime for the collection is one eternity. If your mother is the type of person that enjoys listening to someone aimlessly reminisce about their childhood or talk about how hard it is to be a parent you can now give them the gift that never stops giving no matter how much you would like it to stop.

The box set is only available for a limited time so make sure to act quickly. If you’re shopping for multiple mothers this week remember your family first.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Ohio River Racing Forces The Great Steamboat Race Participants To Add Restrictor Plates

Ohio River Racing Forces The Great Steamboat Race Participants To Add Restrictor Plates

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Louisville’s Great Steamboat Race will be undergoing a change this year as the Ohio River Racing Commission announced that this year’s race would require restrictor plates to be placed on the boats. Steamboat speeds have been increasing steadily since the 1700’s. This year, steamboat racing commissioner Samuel Clemens decided something needed to be done.

“We saw blazing speeds last year,” Clemens said, referring to the Belle of Louisville’s top speed of 14 mph or knots or whatever boat people say. “This year, after watching both boats get squirrelly through the turns we decided we need to take some precautions.”

The decision to add restrictor plates was not without opposition. Many who have already placed wagers on the race are upset about the decision and are worried that the entire strategy of the race could change. “With these plates on there, they’re gonna get all bunched up going into the turns. It’s gonna change the whole thing,” said a guy whose name we forgot to get because as he talked about how much he loved the steamboat race our minds and hearts became so full of pity for this man his alias was the least of our concerns.

“This is going to be a huge change strategically, the pit crews are really going to play a major role,” the man who loves steamboat racing in 2018 said. “If the Belle [unclear which one he was referring to] is gonna pull this off it’s gonna be because of that crew. Stern Wheel Stevie and Engine Joe are gonna be major players in this thing.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


As Part Of New “On Campus Target” Deal, Next Year’s Football Uniforms Will Be Mossimo Brand

As Part Of New “On Campus Target” Deal, Next Year’s Football Uniforms Will Be Mossimo Brand

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

There was a lot of interest an excitement last week as UK students learned they would get their very own, on-campus Target store. Students were understandably excited to no longer have to make the one mile, hour and forty minute drive down Nicholasville Road to the other Target.

Today, it was unveiled that, as part of the contract to open the on-campus store the discount retailer would have the opportunity to spread their brand across campus in a number of ways; the most prominent being that this years football uniforms would be designed by the in-house, affordable fashion brand Mossimo.

“We’re excited about this move,” said Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart. “We are going to save a lot of money buying these affordable brands instead of the name brand Nike uniforms. These uniforms look just as good, no one will ever know the difference. Plus, they’ve agreed to do some special all checkerboard uniforms. So it’s wins all around.”

With Kroger’s name on the stadium and Target now designing the uniforms it will be interesting to see if Meijer is able to find a way to get their name out there on Saturday afternoons in the fall.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kentucky Teacher Protest Blamed For Recent Cincinnati Reds Slump

Kentucky Teacher Protest Blamed For Recent Cincinnati Reds Slump

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In Kentucky, recent teacher protests have already caused many many people to lose their jobs across the commonwealth, the effects of which might have extended to the Cincinnati Reds clubhouse.

Cincinnati Reds equipment manager Griswold “Mitt” Bevin has recently found himself in hot water with certain media outlets as he has had no issue blaming the team’s most recent slump on Kentucky’s educators. During Monday’s post-game hot tub with reporters, he pointed out that teachers returned to work on the same day the Reds managed to end an 8 game losing streak, “Coincidence? I think not.”

Mitt continued, “Look the way we’ve been playing recently it’s hard to say there’s one root cause, after all, I’m no gardener. However, I can tell you that if you take one look around you can tell someone poisoned the morale in the locker room. And I’m not gonna name names, but I guarantee that someone was a teacher.”

“Someone should fire all of the Reds board members and replace them with friends of a Governor,” said one Governor who asked to remain nameless during an interview we had earlier today in Frankfort, Kentucky. “I think we just need some new leadership, if players and coaches haven’t lost their jobs already, maybe people will remember in November.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Al Pacino Will Follow “Paterno” Movie With “Pitino”

Al Pacino Will Follow “Paterno” Movie With “Pitino”

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

As Al Pacino’s biopic of Joe Paterno, Paterno, premiered on HBO this week, a rival broadcasting network, Cinemax, wasted no time announcing their plans to shoot Pacino’s next film, where the accomplished actor will tackle the role of Rick Pitino in Pitino.

“I like playing people with similar syllables in their name. Makes it easier for me to remember who I am on set. From Paterno to Pitino, it’s always Pacino.”

We asked if it was difficult to switch from playing shamed college football coach to shamed college basketball coach. Pacino said, “I guess in a way I’m always playing Devil’s Advocate.”

The Pitino biopic will begin with clips from his coaching career at Boston University in the early ’80s, with Pacino digitally inserted into the film, but to make up for the age difference the inserts will be from Scarface.

“Last time I was in Kentucky was at a Derby party where I agreed to play Secretariat. Spent three weeks living in a stable only to have the project fall through.”

A few weeks ago, Pacino had an on-air misunderstanding with Matt Jones, when he tried to call into KSR with some questions for an ask anything Friday episode. After being on hold for an hour and a half, “Al” finally got on-air and promptly mentioned he was a first-time caller. Jones replied with the standard “Hoo-Ah!” and Pacino, thinking Jones was mocking him, immediately hung up the phone.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Coach Cal’s YA Novel ‘Ready Player One-And-Done’ Optioned For Movie

Coach Cal’s YA Novel ‘Ready Player One-And-Done’ Optioned For Movie

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“The year is 2045. A stack of mobile homes teeters on the edge of architectural art and impending doom as lights brightly flash from inside a home the camera slowly zooms in on. Then a door slaps open and out steps a slick-suited baby-faced John Calipari.” This is the opening to Coach Calipari’s newest book Ready Player One-And-Done. The coach sits on his couch pausing a bootleg copy of the film Ready Player One periodically as he dictates his new book into a handheld tape recorder.

While it’s no sequel, Cal asks his potential readership to, in his words, “think of it as Players First: Coaching From The Inside Out meets Willy Wonka, but like if ol’ Bill only made little candy basketballs.”

This is Calipari’s first foray into young adult fiction, and he promises to have it done in the next couple hours. Booksellers claim they’re seeing pre-orders fly off imaginary shelves. Set in a dystopian future, where collegiate basketball coaches are the most famous people on the planet, ‘Coach Cal’ battles through a fantastic universe filled with 80’s nostalgia and lottery picks to try and grab his 28th and final NCAA Championship.

“You see some evil old NCAA president hid the 3 keys to success around the world, and I,” Cal pauses momentarily to correct himself, “Coach Cal has to find them to unlock the NCAA tournament. I look for players as far away from Kentucky as possible, to help me win it all. I travel around in a flying DeLorean and I end up finding all three keys in this old beautifully written book, filled with videogame-like cheat codes called Success Is The Only Option. Sorry, I promise no spoilers, just DeLoreans and the hearse from Ghostbusters.”

Advanced reader copies have received mixed reviews from critics, as many claim Calipari’s writing style relies heavily on fast cuts and transitions and that, as an author, he lacks the skillset to maneuver during slow-moving phases of the plot. However, Calipari fans are hopeful Scorsese or Spielberg will sign on to direct the film, or as the author himself suggested, “Heck, maybe even that guy that made Hoosiers, Mike Pence.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Mitch McConnell Pushes Bill To Legalize Rope

Mitch McConnell Pushes Bill To Legalize Rope

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is introducing legislation that will allow states all across the country to legally cultivate their own ropes, especially if those ropes are made from hemp. Whether the purpose of the rope will be for lassoing cattle or whipping enemies of Indiana Jones, producers won’t have to worry about it being illegal when they make it anymore.

Before 2014, rope and its ingredients were outlawed completely in the United States, because Americans thought hippies were awful, and even their jewelry looked a lot like some sort of perfectly harmless drug. However, times have changed, and we’re supposed to respect hippies now, as if they are people too, and it’s not fair for the government to treat them otherwise.

Hemp, often thought of as a gateway rope, has been part of a pilot research program here in the Bluegrass for the last couple years. Believe us, the study was even more boring than it sounds. So as he’s grown tired of hearing about it, and in general is tired because it’s still a few hours removed from his 4 o’clock feeding schedule, McConnell is attempting to have hemp removed from the list of schedule 1 braided fibers by pushing rope through Senate doors.

“Well, my necklace collection just got a whole lot less dangerous,” said one grown man we interviewed who didn’t give us a name but we could identify very easily by the sheer fact that every day he wakes up thinking that putting enough weird smelling oil on his body will help cover up how bad he naturally smells.

“Just think: legalizing hemp and other rope farming could be a big boost to the Kentucky economy, and hopefully help cover some of those 1 percenter salaries we’re paying teachers,” said Governor Matt Bevin’s last supporter Lee Cruse.

If hemp is removed from the controlled substance list, it would be great news for a bunch of people that are best known for not letting the government control them, man.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Bud Light Tournament Ad Stars Medieval Basketball Coach Dilly Dilly Gillispie

Bud Light Tournament Ad Stars Medieval Basketball Coach Dilly Dilly Gillispie

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Beer-based catchphrases have been the cornerstone of American television advertising since 1992 when the ad campaign “Beer. It’s What’s For Dinner” was first launched. Ads for the delicious beverage have created hilarious quotes, and hilarious dogs, that represent everything cool about our culture. American beer ads have always shown the world, that the United States Of America has been and will always be the Spuds McKenzie of countries. Last August, the tradition of awesome beer ads found a new life with Bud Light’s now meme famous advertisement, “Banquet,” where Bud Light introduced the world to a brand new way to say ‘cool’ and also infringe on Dairy Queen’s intellectual property by saying ‘dilly dilly.’

Braxton Anheuser IV, VP of Bud Light Nebraska Plains Division and a seventy-decade decedent of Anheuser-Busch marketing royalty, has given us a sneak peek at the newest installment of the company’s 7 part medieval fantasy series of ads, and it introduces a new character they hope will sweep the nation. The character is Dilly Dilly Gillispie, an ‘old-school type’ basketball coach who uses medieval methods to motivate his players.

“He’ll make players sit in an outhouse during halftime, or even attempt to court the player’s girlfriends during practice,” Anheuser said, “it’s hilarious because no one would really do that.”

The series culminates with Dilly Dilly Gillispie being chased through the secret passages and corridors of the kingdom’s castle by a valiant knight with a hero’s mustache until he eventually ends up in a moat.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UofL Scientists May Have Found Cure For March Madness

UofL Scientists May Have Found Cure For March Madness

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

According to several people that read something on the internet somewhere, more than 60 million losing NCAA brackets are filled out each year. Of those losing brackets, it’s estimated that 40 million of them were affected by what sports medicine physicians deem ‘March Madness.’ Every year March Madness takes over valuable office time that employees should be spending on work. Symptoms include checking your bracket when your boss leaves the room and bonding with that older coworker you usually disagree with. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to be the scourge of productive people everywhere.

While every year March Madness seems to take over valuable office time that many employees should be spending on work, it can also take up all the time employees spend checking Facebook when their boss leaves the room. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to claim time theft victims.

However, one University’s research may have the answer in a trial vaccine that could eliminate March Madness from its campus and the surrounding area for at least the next four years. This past year the University of Louisville has found a way, against all odds, to remove itself completely from suffering any kind of symptoms of March Madness. While the vaccine was free for the fan base, it’s hard to say it didn’t come at a cost. Some point to some small dollar donations given to friend of the University Katina Powell, while others point to a lump sum of around $100,000 being the main cause for the diseases eradication.

Initial doses of the vaccine were perhaps too potent as they attempted to retroactively erase symptoms for test subjects all the way back to 2013. While a connection between this vaccine and autism has not been proven, there seems to be a correlation between this and drinking Canadian whiskey from a purple bag.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Help Ricky Jones Win The Chance To Blow Up A Building In Frankfort

Help Ricky Jones Win The Chance To Blow Up A Building In Frankfort

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Matt Bevin announced in a video where he, for some reason compared himself to Wiley E. Coyote, that he would be auctioning off the rights to push the handle that blows up a building in downtown Frankfort. While this is a surprising move from a PR perspective, a politician openly making themselves look like a supervillain, but fans of Hey Kentucky are coming together to make a dream come true occasional co-host, Ricky Jones.

A go fund me account set up by a fan states it’s explicit objective is to raise enough funds to allow the famed Frankfort fleerer Ricky Jones to have the privilege of depressing a plunger (not the toilet kind) and fulfill a lifelong desire to destroy a part of the state’s capital, leveling it to the ground.

If all goes according to plan Ricky Jones will have the chance to paint his face a la Batman’s Joker and Governor Bevin will stand by his side, dressed as The Penguin. Jones will then have the opportunity to say “and here we go” pressing the handle down and creating what must be a sound and sight he’s seen every evening when he closes his eyes for nightly slumber, a Frankfort building imploding, toppled by his own hand. Please consider donating to help make this dream come true.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Alternate Covers For Kim Davis’ Book

Alternate Covers For Kim Davis’ Book

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Former Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis is releasing a tell-all memoir, while the cover has not yet been released here are a few suggestions we’ve come up with for her to choose from. The book is expected to be available at Dollar Tree’s everywhere.

 


Sore Losers, Cold Sore Losers

Sore Losers, Cold Sore Losers

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In the unenviable position of defending indefensible acts, the University of Louisville continues its Sisyphean struggle to act like what they allowed to happen was no big deal, and after today’s press conference announcing their appeal was denied it appears the University’s plan of overwhelming the NCAA with scandals didn’t work according to plan.

“Ya’ll ever seen an appeal? They’re super long and boring, and that’s just for one violation. Imagine how much paperwork is required when you’ve broken every rule in the book. Heck we even broke some rules that haven’t even been written yet. The logic is, if you write a long enough story, no one will read the whole thing,” explained the University’s “Compliance Officer” Jeff Smeocan-Gunne. “Why else would we appeal something we admitted to doing?”

Unfortunately for UofL, the NCAA managed to finish reading the documents, and announced their decision this afternoon, “While we found the appeal of our previous decision hilarious, we couldn’t find any merit to it. One page just said ‘Look dude rules were meant to be broken.’”

The NCAA’s spokesperson explained they were kind of getting annoyed with the whole process, but weren’t shaken, “Look the banner is coming down, they should be used to things falling from the ceiling. No but seriously, Louisville your program has a lot of problems and it’s time to take your medicine. Which I’m pretty sure might be Valtrex. I mean you know things are bad when we are living in the participation trophy generation and you can’t even get one of those right now because we’re not letting you even pretend like you participated.”

In response to the decision the University’s future former interim president Greg Postel decided to speak out against the decision, “We believe the NCAA is simply wrong, and these punishments are excessive and downright Ivan Dragonian.”

We reached out to the NCAA for further comment via email, “We have to applaud their efforts, but at some point you have to recognize the difference between getting a standing ovation and getting the clap.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kentucky Basketball Valentines You Can Print Out For Your Date

Kentucky Basketball Valentines You Can Print Out For Your Date

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Last year we provided some UK valentines and this year we’re back with an updated set.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Doritos To Launch ‘Tennessee-Fan-Friendly’ Chips

Doritos To Launch ‘Tennessee-Fan-Friendly’ Chips

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lay’s Chips, Cheetos, and Doritos, otherwise known in Tennessee as “the four food groups”, could start popping up in grocery stores with a very specific target audience: Tennessee Volunteer fans only.

Doritos parent company, and maker of the soda that waiters ask if it is an acceptable substitute for what you ordered, PepsiCo, has decided to start marketing unique products based on certain demographics. While the announcement of “Lady Doritos” yesterday was met with mixed reviews, the announcement of UT-Ritos was received with open arms by the Volunteer faithful.

“These unique Doritos will mainly feature the snack’s classic recipe, however, they will be dusted with a richer orange coloring and make an obnoxiously loud crunch for people who think their athletics department is far more important than it really is,” explained Tennessee Doritos PR director Yahoo Les Serious. “The chips will only be available in Knoxville during the basketball season despite the fact that the unique market of UT fans is, during this time of year, pretty small. We’re counting on the fact that during football season the chips will be available in a much larger area, annoyingly enough for some reaching parts of southern Kentucky.”

He continued, “The bags are sized to fit into the pouches of brightly covered overalls and can be eaten while consumers also ‘got a dip goin’. There are so few snacks available for fans to enjoy whilst having ‘a hog in dere’.”

Doritos scientists have labored long hours to create a chip dust that can match the “University’s” colors so that when fans inevitably rub that delicious Doritos dust on their Sunday best the stains will go unnoticed.

The news of the chip is the most exciting thing to happen to Knoxville since the announcement of the Museum of East Tennessee History. “Hopefully this will get more visitors to our city,” shouted Knoxville tourism director Phil Fulmer IV and author of Knoxville’s current tourism slogan, “You can stay here if Gatlinburg is full.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.