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The New Circle Circular

“41-38” Beats Out “La La Land” For Best Score At This Years’ CATSPY Awards

“41-38” Beats Out “La La Land” For Best Score At This Years’ CATSPY Awards

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lexington’s biggest and only awards show featured a bevy of athletic stars on the blue carpet as the 15th annual CATSPYs took place last night in the the palatial Memorial Coliseum. Many of the University of Kentucky’s most beautiful athletes and Mark Stoops were in attendance for the awards ceremony. Student-athletes celebrated the night of glamour by wearing their finest apparel. As they entered, honorees were met by Blue Carpet Interviewer Jerry Tipton who asked each student-athlete “Who are you wearing?” quickly followed by “And who paid for it?” While the University crowned one winner for most of the award categories and at least 4 different winners for “Coach of the Year,” one particular award stood out above them all, “Best Score”.

“After sweeping the Oscars, the SAGs, and the Golden Globes, I thought we were a shoe in for the CATSBYs,” explained losing film composer Justin Hurwitz. “Even after we lost, I thought maybe after they announced the third different coach of the year, they’d come back to our category and maybe also give us a CATSPY for best score?”

However hopeful the decorated film composer was, the University proudly granted only one award for best score this year, and it went to “41-38” the final score to the greatest football game ever played.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Rick Pitino Rewatches Cal’s 30 For 30 For The 8th Time, Looking For An Exploitable Weakness

Rick Pitino Rewatches Cal’s 30 For 30 For The 8th Time, Looking For An Exploitable Weakness

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Sources from inside the UofL basketball program have revealed that Cardinal coach Rick Pitino has spent the past week inside his office, breaking down the film from ESPN’s most recent 30 for 30 film ‘One And Not Done.’ Watching film has always been an important part of Pitino’s routine, so it should be no surprise that he has spent so much time recently searching the tape for any sign of weakness he can exploit in his constant rivalry with the Kentucky coach.

“For Rick, 30 for 30 has always been more of a negotiating point, $30 for :30 is where he likes to start his… um… deliberations,” on staffer told us. “But he has really taken this seriously, he has scoured that thing for any and all ideas about how to start beating Calipari consistently.”

After his seventh viewing, Pitino reportedly called his staff together to announce “I think if we can just get him back to UMASS we can really start to compete.” The staff then brainstormed some ways that they could make that happen, the ideas included finding new ways to screw taxpayers and asking for money at gas pumps but nothing substantial came of the meetings.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Daryl Isaacs Considers Adding Additional Phone Line For Future United Passengers

Daryl Isaacs Considers Adding Additional Phone Line For Future United Passengers

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

While automobile crashes and work related mishaps are what personal injury lawyers typically oversee, many attorneys in Kentucky and across the country are now preparing to deal with an influx of calls pertaining to abuses suffered on United Airlines. One of those attorneys is Kentucky’s own ‘The Hammer’ Daryl Isaacs, who is considering an additional phone line to handle calls from future United passengers.

Potential litigants calling the Hammer would be greeted with an updated menu that would read the following: “If you’ve been injured in an accident, press 1. If you or a loved one has ever taken a pill you saw advertised on TV you might be entitled to compensation, press 2. If you’ve recently flown United Airlines, press 3. If this is John Morgan pranking me again, I’ve had just about enough of it, buddy.”

“A lot less people have been calling about mesothelioma lately,” a spokesman told us. “Car accidents are always going to be there, and until Elon Musk invents a way to stop them,  they’ll be our main focus. But we think it’s a good time to pivot into this new revenue stream. We’ve got to strike while the iron and United’s Twitter mentions are hot.”

Not everyone sees the issue with United’s treatment of its passengers, including a certain basketball coach from Louisville.

“So they get a little rough now and then. I don’t think that’s a very big deal. I’m into that sort of thing. Makes joining the Mile High club all the more special,” said the coach.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UK eSports Team Announces They Are Leaving School Early To Play NBA2K17

UK eSports Team Announces They Are Leaving School Early To Play NBA2K17

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lost in the shuffle of Malik Monk and De’Aaron Fox declaring for the NBA draft was news that eSports Coach Mario Madden will face the lofty task of replacing his entire team after all of his players declared they would be leaving college early to play NBA2K17.

Recruiting should be easier now that construction has been completed on the new practice facility in the Mine Craft Center. While not the spectacle of basketball or football recruiting, eSports recruiting presents it’s own unique challenges. The NCAA is keeping a closer eye on eSports recruiting recently after news that a University of Louisville eSports recruit shook up and opened a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red which caused the bottle to squirt to the ceiling.

Now that the players have declared they are leaving, fans will be able to meet their heros during their summer basement storming tour.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Lexington Tattoo Artists Sad To See Derek Willis Go

Lexington Tattoo Artists Sad To See Derek Willis Go

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lexington Tattoo artists are finally being forced to dread a day they’ve known was coming for four years now. Derek Willis is graduating and with him goes one of the largest body art canvases the city has seen in years.

“Look I’m not too worried about the money, we survived when Willie Cauley Stein left, there will always be enough drunk college freshman to keep us in business,” Bleed Blue Tattoo artist Karl Anthony Towns Vaughn Dee said. “What I’m worried about is, there’s not too many people out there that can pull off a huge Native American skull on their arm. I can’t put a crying skull on most people, they just can’t pull it off like Derek could man.”

While the tattoo artists will miss Derek, there is still hope for them. “Look, I love Derek and no one can replace him. I loved seeing him walk in because I knew I was going to get a break from all of these butterflies and barbed wire tattoos but I feel good about the future. No one can fill Derek’s shoes, but there is a replacement out there. I don’t want to say his name because he’s a college kid you know, but his place as Derek’s replacement will be earned not given.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Food Network To Broadcast March Madness Games Using New Microwave Camera

Food Network To Broadcast March Madness Games Using New Microwave Camera

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Television coverage of March Madness is always expanding, and this year is no different. We’ve learned that fans who don’t want to tune into traditional broadcasts can now watch  games from the inside of a microwave, as Food Network has joined the list of channels broadcasting the annual tournament.

Viewers will be able to choose between a 700 or 1100 watt broadcast, and they’ll also get to choose which sad frozen meal gets to cook during the game.

The broadcasts will feature two announcing teams. The first crew will feature Alton Brown on play by play with Bill Raftery joining him as the color commentator, where Raftery is expected to make several references about actual onions. Joining Brown and Raftery as the sideline reporter will be The Pioneer Woman. The second broadcast team will consist of Guy Fieri, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, and Barefoot Contessa, who will have to work from outside the arena unless she puts shoes on.

Food Network’s coverage will begin with tonight’s First Four, where fans will be able to choose from four different appetizers to watch cook on top of a paper towel while the games are on. The unique coverage won’t be broadcast any faster than what is brought into homes using traditional cameras, but the food network is happy to be at the forefront of using technology no one was aware existed until recently.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


The New Podcast “Missing Caller Sarah” Hot Dogs Its Way To The Top Of iTunes

The New Podcast “Missing Caller Sarah” Hot Dogs Its Way To The Top Of iTunes

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The first episode of “Missing Caller Sarah” a new podcast from the KSR production team, premiered today at the top of the iTunes charts to rave and confused reviews.

The podcast has been teased over the last couple of weeks with audio clips promising future listeners that the production team is determined to find out whatever happened to the polarizing KSR caller “Sarah”. She has been missing from the airwaves for 25 days, and at this point it seems there’s no return in site. Once Derek Willis began playing better on both sides of the court, it seems Caller Sarah has disappeared from public life, cutting off her closest friends like Ryan Lemond, and other supporters we’ve yet to hear from.

KSR decided to get started on the podcast after other popular callers potential podcasts have struggled to get off the ground, like “This Great American Life” with John Short, “Excuse The Very Long Interruption” with Billy, and “Cereal” with Harold.

The first episode of the podcast “Missing Caller Sarah” focuses on what many have speculated are the three most likely theories behind her supposed disappearance. First being the obvious, Derek Willis simply played better, so her point was proven. Second, she googled ‘Hot Dogging’ and it has rendered her speechless, or finally she’s gone quiet to re-establish the “balance of power.”

So far the podcast (produced by wrestling legend Shannon The Dude) promises, if nothing else, to be a beautiful piece of storytelling. As the premier features intertwining interviews with a lush background of sound featuring musical vignettes of at least 9 popular Guns and Roses songs coupled with weird laughs from Ryan Lemond.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


The New Circle Circular Heads to DanceBlue for Hey Kentucky!

The New Circle Circular Heads to DanceBlue for Hey Kentucky!

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Before the UK students raised over $1.7 million for the kids, a few brave DanceBlue participants tried to teach the guys at The New Circle Circular how to dance.  Spoiler: it did not go well.

Watch Wednesday’s episode with Perrin Johnson after the jump.

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Hawkins, Willis And Mulder All Questionable With Senioritis

Hawkins, Willis And Mulder All Questionable With Senioritis

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

It was announced this afternoon that Derek Willis, Dominique Hawkins and Mychal Mulder are all listed as questionable for tonight’s game as they continue to deal with cases of senioritis. Team doctors made available to the media said only that they are hopeful the trio will be available for tonight’s game. “We saw a couple of set backs today when Derek kept telling us about the summer mix CD he’d made to listen to in his Trans Am as he heads to Panama City after graduation,” one of the trainers told us.

“Dominique played really well this weekend, but during practice we’ve noticed shift in focus from how to improve the teams perimeter defense to, ‘Who all’s goin’ to prom?'” But maybe the most telling sign for trainers was when Derek Willis started signing autographs “have a great summer, L.Y.L.A.S.”

Calipari knows that coaching seniors that are preparing to go off and backpack through Europe or get a job can be challenging but he said he likes the experience. “The thing I like about my teams is I keep getting older, and they stay the same age.” Calipari followed up by saying if the cats hoped to win tonight they needed a “freshman 15 and 10 from Bam Adebayo.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Missouri Fans Looking Forward To The First Five Minutes Of Basketball They’ve Watched All Year

Missouri Fans Looking Forward To The First Five Minutes Of Basketball They’ve Watched All Year

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Deep in the heart of the south east, Columbia, Missouri is known for two things and neither of them are basketball fandom. Missouri fans, still coming down from the euphoria of a 4-8 football season, have emerged from their three month sports hibernation to watch tonight’s game vs Kentucky, in what many assume is the home opener for the basketball team.

Attending a “Mizzou” basketball game is like Mardi Gras for basketball, if Mardi Gras was set inside an old church’s auxiliary gym, and only your uncle and youth minister were there. We caught up with Chad, one of Missouri’s biggest (read: only) basketball fans. “Look, we’re the show me state, if you want me to believe we’re playing basketball, you’ve gotta show me. I haven’t seen our games on TV or anything.”

“I’m excited to see the first game of the season here. We’ve all heard of March Madness but it’s cool to see the team early on like this.” Chad continued, “If the game is close I’ll probably stick around to halftime, otherwise I’ll just head out at the under 16 media timeout and go back to the library since it’s only pre-season.”

The fanbase’s only game of the year is a late one, as tipoff is scheduled for 9pm tonight. The late start, and not the terrible play by the tigers, may explain why the University’s marketing for the game encourages students to “Catch some Z’s with MiZZou Basketball.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UK Basketball Valentines In Time For Your Big Date Tonight

UK Basketball Valentines In Time For Your Big Date Tonight

 

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

We all love our cats, so here are some UK basketball valentines you can print out and give to your loved ones.

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If starting players aren’t your thing, we’ve got a collection for you as well.

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For some Lexington-centric valentines check out Our Twitter Account.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Calipari On Hold With Tech Support Again This Morning After Reboot Didn’t Work

Calipari On Hold With Tech Support Again This Morning After Reboot Didn’t Work

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Coach John Calipari spent most of the morning on the phone with tech support after the recommended reboot failed to fix the errors his basketball team had been seeing. The 25 point favorites only ended up beating lowly LSU by seven points which prompted the immediate phone call in the morning.

Assistant Coach Tony Barbee said “He’s been up there all morning, and it’s not pretty. He spent almost an hour shouting ‘Can I speak to an operator’ after the touchtone stuff kept asking him for a serial number. Finally, he got an operator and they said ‘I can certainly understand how blowing a 25 point lead against LSU can be frustrating sir, have you tried rebooting?’ Man, I thought he was going to lose it.”

Barbee said he recommended perhaps simply playing more zone but Calipari was unconvinced. “He said, no we need a tech expert in here, so he called I.T. to help uninstall and reinstall defensive sets.” Barbee continued, “Cal shouted, ‘how do I stop hard drives to the basket?’ and the geek squad guy said ‘sir, to stop a hard drive click on the eject icon and make sure to wait until it is safe to remove the device then simply unplug it.’ I thought it seemed like we were wasting our time but I think Cal was kind of buying into it by the end.”

Reports from today’s practice indicated the team was working on setting up a firewall and using Derek Willis as a proxy server to try and improve team defense.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Musburger Running Late To Final Game Because He’s “On A Heater” At Red Mile

Musburger Running Late To Final Game Because He’s “On A Heater” At Red Mile

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Legendary announcer Brent Musburger will be calling play-by-play for one last time tonight at Rupp Arena, or at least he will be “whenever this hot hand goes cold” he said as he pulled the lever on an instant racing machine.
Musburger’s broadcasting career has spanned nearly 50 years and those eyes have witnessed some of the most dramatic moments in sports, “but one thing I’ve never seen, is someone taking this machine for all she’s got.”
The move to retirement comes at an odd time for Musburger who has been tasked by ESPN with calling SEC basketball games this year, as the announcement came with over a month left in the SEC basketball schedule. “People that think it’s weird that I’m suddenly stepping away midseason obviously didn’t check the over/under on the number of games I’d call this year. Let’s just say me calling this game tonight means more to some than others,” he said before audibly adding, “wink.”

Musburger himself first reported to ESPN that he was running a little behind due to car trouble.  However it appears that he forgot to hang up the phone, as one producer Greg Wayne overheard the broadcaster asking people in the background, “what kinda action ya’ll got here besides those Ben Hur chariot races,” and “what do you wanna bet that track out there ain’t even a mile?” and he was able to put two and two together.

“Look you can’t rush these things, I’ll get there when I get there. After all it’s my night, no one’s gonna leave without giving me a good ‘atta boy’, OH, I just won again.” Sources close to the sportscaster say tonight means a lot to Musburger but it doesn’t mean as much as the high of the win, and the smell of that sweet, sweet cash.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Ryan Lemond Keeps Tagging the U.S. Securities And Exchange Commission When Sharing Highlight Videos

Ryan Lemond Keeps Tagging the U.S. Securities And Exchange Commission When Sharing Highlight Videos

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In showcase of solidarity the BBN has been posting as many highlight videos to twitter as they can this evening, all to teach the Southeastern Conference a very important lesson, that we can not be stopped from letting the world know how much we love our wildcats.

Meanwhile, due to what we can only assume was a very long dinner, Ryan Lemond has been teaching the Securities and Exchange Commission the exact same lesson.

Lemond has spent the last few hours leading up to the game posting several videos on twitter.  Some of the videos are highlights from games, or Brad Calipari grabbing handfuls of armpit hair, but most of them are homemade videos of people stacking coats.  However, regardless of the video’s content Lemond has been tagging @SEC_NEWS on each post, which much to Lemond’s dismay, has nothing to do with the Southeastern Conference.

Lemond’s confusion must have continued when he clicked on the website associated with the twitter account and found the section dedicated to “The Office of The Whistleblower” as he started tweeting links to it with comments like“If I’m you guys I’m not giving any awards to them this year, they’ve been waaaaay too involved in games, I mean 54 fouls in a game is unacceptable.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Country Boy Partners With Alan Cutler To Announce New “Jaguar Bait” Craft Beer

Country Boy Partners With Alan Cutler To Announce New “Jaguar Bait” Craft Beer

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Have you ever wanted a craft beer that gave you an instant mustache and the courage to chase down recently fired basketball coaches while also making you seem goofy and totally non-threatening? Well thanks to Country Boy Brewing’s new partnership with Alan Cutler, that beer has finally arrived.

Jaguar Bait should be on tap soon at a bar near you. The beer is a Belgian-style flanders, just like Cutler himself.

Cutler felt it was the right time to seek a partnership with an adult beverage company after his WKYT counterpart Rob Bromley announced a sponsorship deal with Old Grand Dad bourbon.

“I’ve been home brewing my own vinegar for years, but I figured it was finally time to take my talents to the world of craft beer,” Cutler told us. “My background is mostly in rice wine, but my basement is full of ferments.”

According to a press release that was just a sentence Cutler scribbled on a napkin and handed us, the beer itself has good amount of habanero peppers up front yet hits the nose with a hint of vanilla and a truckload of lavender.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.