I mean, what can you say? For the sixth game in a row, Kentucky steamrolled →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
By C.M. Tomlin on ©November 06th, 2014 @ 1:00pm
Hello, friends. You look well today — but I’m sorry, I’m out of candy. Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you were still trick or treating. I first thought you were wearing a rubber Jimmy Carter mask that sat next to a candle for too long; I did not realize that was actually your face. How unfortunate for you, except on Halloween. Still, bet it was a good Halloween, eh? Lots of candy!
Friends, there has been a lot of talk these days about Calipari, the Cats, and “platooning.” The term, which of course has roots in military maneuvering, denotes a tactic wherein Cal has two distinct “waves” of teams which can come on and leave the court en masse, thus resting five players at once (with extra players available to sub in and out if need be). While UK has, many times in the past, had a rough platooning schematic due to a depth of solid players at multiple positions, this would seem to be the strongest true instance we’ve seen of it in recent years.
With platooning poised to work mightily for the Wildcats during the 2014-15 season, rumor around those who’ve witnessed practices is that platooning isn’t the only miltary-themed tactic we might see this season. While talking with an unnamed source this past week I garnered some insight into other secret plays coming to Rupp in the near future, and at the risk of angering my source I feel it’s my duty to share those with you today in a piece we’ll call Military Terms Adapted to University of Kentucky Wildcat Basketball. As always, you’re welcome. And I’ll see you next week.
Originally seen as a strategic move for baseball teams of the early-to-mid 1900’s, the approach is becoming increasingly popular for current-day basketball coaches with — aside from Cal — head coaches Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski experimenting with the platoon system.
Weak Side Attacking
Identifying the weaker links in a team’s defense and continuously exploiting those weaknesses by pushing to the goal in the most vulnerable spots. Example: Alex Poythress driving against an uneven defensive matchup in order to score more easily.
By surrounding and containing an opposing team’s defense in the paint and surrounding them in three to four points on the perimeter increases UK’s options on finding a hole and shooting. Example: Aaron and Andrew Harrison exchanging quick passes back and forth, perhaps even with another forward, until a weak spot for one to shoot opens up.
Lulling the opposing team into a false sense of confidence and then surprising them at the opportune moment. Example: Dakari Johnson hides behind the goal, leading the opposition to believe the Wildcats are currently playing only four players without a center, until suddenly Johnson leaps from behind it screaming and startles everyone as Trey Lyles simultaneously alley-oops the ball for his dunk.
Intentionally false or inaccurate information that is spread intentionally, manipulating the opposition at a rational level by supporting false conclusions. Example: Marcus Lee, during game play, turns to Dominique Hawkins and loudly asks him “Is the game over now?” to which Hawkins replies “Yes, it’s time to go to the locker room.” The opposition, overhearing this misleading information, walks off the court and allows the offense to continue to score unimpeded.
Reducing visibility of a defense in order to capitalize on attacking in familiar territory under the cover of darkness. Example: During the second half of the North Carolina game, the power in Rupp goes out as Willie Cauley-Stein and Derek Willis — using ancient meditation and sense-memory techniques to visualize the court and its dimensions — maneuver quietly through the blackout and secretly score during the confusion on-court before the lights return.
Using water-based maneuvers to attack opponents onto hostile territory. Example: During a time out, Rob Bromley stealthily and “accidentally” spills several water bottles onto the court, creating a hazardous surface by which to lure the opposing offense, stealing the ball as they slide comically around or an offensive player hilariously looks like he is running but is going no where because he’s running on water and everyone is laughing at him, embarrassing him.
Attacking strategic targets by air. Example: As precious final seconds tick off the clock during a tied game, Karl Towns appears with arms spread and flies over the court, dropping Tyler Ulis through the basket with the ball. Crowd goes wild. Game over.
Excuse me, young man. I’m a hobo clown and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the locomotive station. As you can see, I have all my belongings wrapped in a handkerchief on this stick, and I have tattered gloves, and I just want to hit the open road to HAHAHAHA GOT YOU! It’s just me, your old pal Tomlin! Not a hobo clown. I love Halloween.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the season of the witch is upon us, Halloween, with its creepy ghosts and goblins and terror lurking around every corner. As I know you love Halloween as much as I do, I thought I might drop in today with my annual collection of frightening Halloween stories for you to share at your own get-togethers this weekend. Try not to get too scared by them; they are fairly horrifying. Buckle in and prepare to be scared. And have a happy Halloween, everyone.
The Scary Houseguest
A young couple returned home from a Halloween party one night and retired to the bedroom to go to sleep. An hour later, a knock came at the door. “Humvahamamuh!” a voice mumbled through the door, “huvnanamaaahhh!” The husband bravely opened the door to see a horrifying spectre from his past. “Hammvanamavahamma!” the spectre moaned.
“Who is it?” asked his wife, frightened.
“It’s just Billy Gillispie,” said the husband. “He probably wants a ride home or something.”
“Weird,” said the wife. “I thought he went back to Texas.”
“I did too, to be honest,” replied the husband. “But he’s out here on the porch.”
“That’s crazy,” said the wife.
“Yeah, I know,” answered the husband.
The Phantom Reporter
Vanderbilt Football Head Coach Derek Mason sat in his office one afternoon, going through scouting reports, when a reporter knocked at his door and walked into his office. The reporter looked very pale; he had deep-set, dark eyes, and he pierced Derek Mason with an intense gaze. “Coach Mason,” he said very hauntingly, “are you pleased with how the team has been playing?”
“I think we’re playing very good football but getting some tough breaks,” said Mason.
“Well,” said the creepy reporter. “I think the team looks very good.”
Later, when Mason was meeting with his staff, he asked “Hey, do any of you guys know of a creepy reporter who looks really pale and has a really spooky stare? He came by my office and told me the team looked very good.”
The room became very quiet as the staff looked around at each other in shock.
“Coach, that wasn’t just any reporter,” said assistant coach Charles Bankins. “That was Keith Handley, the reporter who dresses up to make himself look like a ghost reporter.”
“Oh, okay,” said Mason. “That makes sense now. But why do you all look so scared?”
“Because,” replied Bankins. “Vanderbilt football hasn’t been very good since at least 1982!”
A Vision from the Past
Mississippi State Basketball Head Coach Rick Ray came out of the locker room to practice and blew his whistle. “Okay, let’s get started!” he shouted.
The team looked at him in disbelief. “C-Coach, your head!” said Tevin Moore, handing him a mirror.
As he peered into the mirror, he shrieked at the horrific visage in the reflection. “Oh, dear God no,” he cried.
“What is it?” asked Moore.
Ray clutched his head, breaking the mirror dropping to his knees, his wails filling Humphrey Coliseum. “It’s the ghost of Rick Stansbury’s hair!”
The Ghost Coaches
Bruce Pearl walked through Auburn Arena with the University President, discussing his role as Auburn’s new head coach.
“We think you’ll do great here,” said the President, ” and we’re happy to have you. But I have to warn you, sometimes people say Auburn Arena is haunted by the ghosts of old coaches.”
“Really?” Asked Pearl.
“Yes,” said the President. “A janitor once said he saw old Sonny Smith, pacing the sidelines as if he was still coaching a phantom team.”
Wow,” said Pearl.
“And once,” continued the President, “an administrative assistant said she swears Shug Jordan was standing at the end of one of the halls, looking at old trophies in the case.”
“Amazing,” said Pearl.
“One time,” said the President, “a player said he saw Bill Lynn standing in that doorway over there, watching him play.”
“That’s unbelievable,” said Pearl. “Hey, isn’t that Tony Barbee sitting over there in the rafters right now?”
“Yes,” said the President, “but that’s not a ghost. That’s really Tony Barbee, he still lives here in the basement and sleeps on a cot.”
A Mystery on the Farm
One autumn, a month before Halloween, a farmer began noticing over the course of several weeks that his chickens and pigs were disappearing from their pens. At first he suspected foxes or coyotes were the culprit, but traps wouldn’t stop the disappearances. In the fresh mud near the chicken and pigpens, each morning, he noticed giant footsteps in the ground.
Each night the same thing happened; chickens would disappear, giant footsteps would appear in the mud.
“Maybe it’s Bigfoot,” the farmer’s wife said.
“There’s no such thing as Bigfoot,” scoffed the farmer.
As Halloween approached the disappearances continued, along with the footprints, so the farmer decided one evening to sit up in a chair and find out what was happening. The night grew late, and the farmer fell asleep in his chair only to wake to a noise in the grass.
“Who is it? Who’s out there?” shouted the farmer into the darkness. His pulse pounded and he was paralyzed with fear to come face to face with whatever waited in the shadows.
“Oh, hey, it’s just me,” said freshman Kentucky center Karl Towns, stepping into the light. “Sometimes I like to take night walks. I hope that’s okay that I cut through your farm. Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you that there’s a hole in your fence and I think your chickens and pigs are escaping.”
Welcome to Mississippi State University! We are happier than pigs in slop that you have chosen to continue your edgy-cation with us at MSU and can’t wait for you to learn all the great things about the University. You will have already received your mandatory cowbell and Duck Dynasty™ Season 6 DVD and you’re ready to embark on a mission of learning!
With a beautiful, picturesque Southern campus and down-home hospitality, the friends you make at MSU will be among the best you’ll ever meet, whether gathering together to study, chat or just relax and enjoy each other’s company. If you need to use the bathroom at any time, Keith, just use a bottle. It’s okay.
Whether you’re commuting or living on campus, Mississippi State will inevitably become “home” in no time, which means that — just like the home you grew up in — you can murder any trespasser who steps foot on your land. They will be buried in an unmarked graveyard back behind the Poultry Science Building. Sssshhh! Remember: you are within your rights!
Lunch is available from 10:30 am to 1:45 pm weekdays, 11:00 am to 1:00 pm on Saturday and Sunday. Meal choices in Mississippi State’s dining halls include barbecue, lemonade tea and barbecue. And lemonade tea.
Here we see the MSU Budgetary Committee putting the finishing touches on the 2015 residence halls budget in one of MSU’s state-of-the-art meeting boardrooms. You won’t find any “bull” in MSU’s hardworking administration (though you may find an actual bull, which you should be sensitive not to provoke).
Mississippi State Student Government loves to work hard…and play hard! Everyone mugs for the camera except the blonde in the top right, who was under the impression that joining Student Government would be a great way to impact the campus and not just watch a bunch of hilarious cut-ups quote lines from Glee. Sorry, Katie!
The Department of Public Safety at Mississippi State is always on alert and protecting you and the campus from harm. Except during break time, which is time for the officers to — Hey, we told you not to come in here! It’s not what it looks like, okay? It’s…it’s…listen you better not say anything about this you hear me? This is what makes us feel alive and no one understands.
At Mississippi State we love Bully, our bulldog mascot. Here we see Bully alongside his costumed counterpart and — uh oh! Hands where we can see them, you two!
Students from Mississippi State’s Fashion Design & Merchandising Department gather together to celebrate another year of great collaboration. As you can see, there are varying degrees of skill level at work in the Mississippi State Fashion Design & Merchandising Deparment. But we’re a family, and that’s what counts. Seriously, many of us are literally family, which makes the Fashion Design & Merchandising Department Christmas Dance a target for the media each year.
Get in on the “act” when you study musical theater at Mississippi State University in our illustrious Drama Department! Deliver your lines and “steal the show” when you take the stage among your peers. Please be on the lookout for Phillip, though; he is not affiliated with Mississippi State University or its Drama Department — he simply loves musical theater. If you see him please alert your professors as Phillip is currently under a legal restraining order.
College is a great time for “partying,” but please be responsible. That rabbit is not real, Clem, and perhaps you shouldn’t be driving. No one else can see it but you. You probably need to lie down.
Whatever interests you pursue at Mississippi State, you can do it while ridiculously ringing a cowbell at all times. Trust us, everybody really loves it a lot, so by all means please keep doing it all the time.
I SAID HANDS WHERE WE COULD SEE THEM, YOU TWO. Somebody get me a hose.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©October 16th, 2014 @ 2:30pm
How well do you know our opponent this weekend? The following TRUE facts might surprise you!
1. The fans once caused an earthquake.
The crowd reaction to a play at a 1988 home game was strong and loud enough to register as an earthquake by a seismograph in an LSU classroom building.
2. Mike the Tiger can forecast the future.
Rumor has it that LSU mascot Mike the Tiger can predict the number of touchdowns his team will score by the number of times he roars just before game time.
3. Head Coach Les Miles tastes the grass at each stadium he visits.
The quirk originates from reporters spying Miles eating grass from Tiger Stadium after a win against Alabama. Additionally, on Friday mornings before home games Miles arrives at the stadium to chew the entire field down to a very tidy 1.2 inches.
4. Eating the food at an LSU tailgate will kill you.
The average life expectancy of a Louisianan in 2014 is 34 years old, owing largely to high triglycerides, moonshine still explosions, airboat accidents and inadvertent bear trap activation.
5. Mike the Tiger dutifully receives two digital rectal exams per year.
6. LSU loses an average of 23 fans to water moccasin bites each year.
Campus officials have tried to curb the snake population inside the stadium but, although numbers appear to be on the decline, have yet to eradicate the snakes within the upper sections.
7. This is a photograph of the current President of Louisiana State University.
His name is René Moses Babineaux, he loves a good crawfish boil and most decidedly voted AGAINST Newton Crain Blanchard in the last election.
8. Tailgating outside of Tiger Stadium on game day is a family event.
LSU fans indoctrinate young football-lovers into the fold early, involving them in many of the traditional activities of LSU tailgating at a young age.
9. While visiting Baton Rouge, you run a roughly 67% chance of a Voodoo Man putting a horrific spell on you.
Upon your safe arrival home it is advised that you check your body for tails, extra eyeballs or the very popular “fire-brain.”
10. By vote in 2011, the Constitution of the State of Louisiana was officially replaced by a widescreen DVD copy of Smokey and the Bandit II.
It is already more successful than its historic predecessor, which only featured Dom DeLuise a little bit.
I don’t like it because I think it’s stupid but I guess Dr. Shapiro thinks it will help me sort some things out. I don’t think I need this but if that nerd will get off my back whatever. It’s better than talking to him. Here’s my feeling – this is dumb. I know you’re reading this Dr. Shapiro and I hate you.
September 14, 2014
Write about a day which was enjoyable to you.
Last Wednesday I spent the day riding an ATV around campus and throwing pennies at the English faculty staff picnic it was hilarious those dorks kept telling us to stop but we had so many pennies because we went to the bank and got them. Then Frank and I peed in a jar together and that means we’re pee brothers forever. Then we went to Hooters and I ate like fifty superhot wings and the girls there were total eights. Then I saw a raccoon eating out of some garbage in my neighborhood it was hilarious. Then I went to bed.
September 19, 2014
Write a list of things that make you happy. Then write a list of things that make you sad.
Things that make me happy
my HD sunglasses
steve austin’s broken skull challenge
Things that make me sad
losing at football
the end of boondocks saints
when Outback is closed
being alone in the dark
September 23, 2014
Write about a time you felt afraid.
One time I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of how small we are in the universe. Also one time when I was at Señor Frogs in myrtle beach and there was a shots contest and I took seven shots in a minute I was afraid I wouldn’t win the contest so I hit the other guy in the nuts and won.
September 27, 2013
What makes you feel worried?
sometimes i get worried that the bass pro shop will run out of deer scram. Also sometimes i worry about human freedom and the consequences which can come, good or bad, based on the rejection or acceptance of that freedom, and I wonder if I will always be able to treasure and not abuse that given freedom.
September 29, 2014
Complete this sentence. “Almost every day, I feel like…”
Almost every day I feel like even though our world is full of harsh realities and helpless moments that people are inherently good, and this struggle can be mollified by letting go and realizing that while the uncontrollable is a constant in our world, we each possess the power to create our own positive realities within our own individual lives. How do you like that does it make you happy Dr Shapiro you stupid nerd.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©September 26th, 2014 @ 8:00pm
Hello, friends. Good to see you! I have great news! No, you first. No, you. No…seriously. Go ahead. Okay, we’ll both go at the same time. One, two, three I GOT YOU TICKETS TO THE MAROON 5 CONCERT! I know how much you love them, and so I thought I’d surprise you with…wait, did you just say Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine murdered your loved one? Wow, this surprise took a weird and gruesome twist.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that tomorrow is our face-off against the mighty Vanderbilt Commodores. It should be fun. Those Nashville smarties are always a good time. But it’s interesting to note that the eggheads from Music City, most of them, aren’t born football fans. Oh no. In fact, in the last couple of years the school has had such little luck recruiting new fans that they’ve resorted to sending out an email document to the intellectual new students explaining just what it is they’re supposed to go out and cheer for on fall Saturdays. And, lucky for you, we just happen to have gained a copy of said email document for our own perusal here today. You wonder how Commodore fans are born? I give you the Vanderbilt University Guide to Football for the Uninitiated Student. As always, you’re welcome.
To: The Vanderbilt Freshman Class
From: David Williams, Vanderbilt Athletic Director
Dear New Students,
We are pleased to welcome you to Vanderbilt University and your new fandom of the Vanderbilt Commodores Sporting Teams! This fall marks another banner year for the ‘Dores and we can’t wait to see you rooting on the team in all its glory each Saturday!
Focus groups have recently alerted us to the fact that many of you, while excelling in academic areas during your high school years, may not be particularly familiar with the nuances of the sport of football. That’s why today we’d like to offer up a few tips for getting through the season that we hope will help you understand the game better so you may garner maximum enjoyment of your new school’s team and its “tradition.”
Ah, the age-old tradition of tailgating at a University sports game! Tailgating is the act of congregating before a game, often in an area just outside or near the venue where the game will be played. Here you can enjoy the camaraderie of your friends and fellow students. Suggested items of conversation at a “tailgate party” may include (but are not limited to):
-How your sport team is faring statistically in its recent events
-Which player on the team is your favorite player
-The degree of agreeability of the supplied food (if applicable)
-Your opinion on the eventual outcome of the sporting match
Generally, alcoholic beverages are served at a football tailgate party, but you are by no means expected to partake in these beverages. Should you choose to do so, please know your limits. Also, please leave your paper mache swords and magic wands at home — this is not the place for them. There will be plenty of time to be a class-5 sorcerer at your local guild gathering on Tuesday nights; Saturdays are for football!
What’s the proper attire for attending a college football game? We have good news and bad news. The good news is that you will not be close enough (probably) to the field for a player to throw a football at your face and break your glasses — but the bad news is that there should at least an effort to wear clothing that supports your team (The Commodores!) and shows a commitment to their victory. Don’t hide that Vandy sweatshirt beneath a bulky trenchcoat; swap your Spiderman face paint for a sharp Vanderbilt logo or some eye black. A jersey is always a great idea too! If you’re worried that you may be mistaken for a player, don’t worry. Also, a “jersey” is the name of the shirt the football players wear. If you must wear a button-down shirt, be sure to make it the colors of the team — black and gold — or wear a university t-shirt over it. Not wearing school colors will certainly make you stand out like Doctor Octopus in an issue of Iron Man: Secret Invasion!
Understanding the game of football can be a daunting task at first, but you’ll pick it up in no time! One team is the “offense,” which completes a series of pre-planned plays in an effort to get the ball downfield to score a “touchdown” for 6 points. The “defensive” team tries to stop the offense. If a touchdown is scored, the scoring team will get to attempt a kick the football for an extra point. Also, a “safety” is when…actually, you know what? Just cheer when everyone else cheers.
IV. Length of Game
The game consists of four fifteen-minute quarters. If you sit through two of these quarters you will be rewarded with a marching band performance! Then only two more until you get to go back to World of Warcraft!!
Cheering is an important part of being a football fan.
Wrong: Win the contest, team!
Right: Win the [game], [Vandy]!
Wrong: Make the ball go into the score quadrant!
Right: [Put] the ball into the [endzone]!
Wrong: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug!
Right: [Go Commodores]!
With the right attitude and commitment to our football team, you can help cheer Vanderbilt to victory this season! We can’t wait to spot you out at the stadium on Saturdays, after your Civil War re-enactment but before your midnight RISK marathon. See you there!
Athletic Director, Vanderbilt University
Hello, friends. How are you? What have you been up to? Hey, why aren’t you talking? Hello? Friend? Wait a minute this IS A MANNEQUIN DRESSED AS YOU. Oh, there you are! Ha! You got me. I totally fell for it. Good one. Where did you get a mannequin?
Friends, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the line for Big Blue Madness tickets is in up and running and Tent City is in full force. If you’ve never been to Tent City, it’s kind of like Bonnaroo for the types of people you might see at your local barber shop. You have to get there early to get in line or you’re sunk — and getting a good place in line isn’t easy. That’s why it’s fortunate, then, that the hip new app Airbnb has begun to list open tent spaces in Tent City for those seeking accommodations. If you’re not familiar with Airbnb, it essentially allows you rent a room, a house, a space or just a bed for the night from someone who has an extra one open, and for a predetermined fee. But what spaces are available on Airbnb for Tent City 2014? And how are the reviews? Let’s look at some potential candidates in a piece we’ll call Airbnb Reviews from Tent City, shall we, and see if there are any deals out there? Enjoy, friends, and I’ll see you here next week.
Orange Tent, Northwest Corner
About this listing:
Spacious mylar tent sleeps three, offers moon flap and vented windows. Easy access in and out, light and airy.
Nearest Restroom: 45 feet
“Not bad, close to Qdoba”
by Marion P.
Linda and Tad were great hosts; they had Nutri-Grain bars and Capri-Suns for when we needed a snack and they really made us feel at home. Comfortable, warm. Will be back. Four stars.
Peaceful Oasis in Tent City, Close to Memorial
About this listing: Large, comfortable four-person dome tent, 63 square feet, with fiberglass poles and WeatherTec moisture repellent system.
Check-in time: 2:00 pm
“Great tent except for Gary”
by Jennifer H.
Was recommended to this tent by friends. Very nice tent but host Gary kept trying to hold my hand. Woke in the middle of the night to him watching me sleep; insisted on calling the tent “Smoochville” and trying to kiss me as he claimed to be the “Mayor of Smoochville.” Good tickets not worth this. Some underwear may still be missing. Avoid at all costs.
Great Spot for Superfans, Center of Tent City
About this listing: True Blue fans host other Wildcat supporters in six-person tent with zippered doors and cushioned tarp floor. Wind-resistent walls/roof.
Accepts Credit Cards?: Yes
Cancellation policy: 24 hour notice
“Perfect for Willie Cauley-Stein fans”
by Charles O.
Debra and Steve seemed really cool at first, big fans of Willie Cauley-Stein; later in the evening they started showing me pictures they drew of Willie as a half-man, half-dragon and reading fan fiction about him as a space wizard in love with a human woman named “Moonwolf” (clearly supposed to be Debra). When they told me they’d pay me $5,000 if I kidnapped him I called a friend to come pick me up. They are keeping my deposit and I’m okay with that.
Luxury Camping Above-Ground
About this listing: Heavy-duty polymer material, rainfly, metal pole support, sky-vue window
Minimum Stay: 1 night
“Wayne Just Tried to Kill Me”
by Brad M.
Can somebody please tell the police I’m in the back of a truck tent and my host wayne just told me tried to give me a WILDCATS 2014 tattoo with a paperclip and when I refused he said he was going to murder me i convinced him to let me have time to write this review and im using it as my message for help im behind the papa johns please somebody help me two stars will not use this location again
Compact and Cozy
About this listing: Petite turnkey tent with great Memorial Coliseum view; friendly host.
“This Tent is for a Dog”
by Lawrence P.
Do not be fooled by the photo; this is a tent made for a dog. The picture is of a small dog, not a regular size tent with just a very large dog, like I thought. It is a very misleading picture and if you are a normal-sized human this is not the tent for you. The dog is very cute, however. And the view of Memorial is nice.That part is accurate.
De-stress and relax in peace!
About this listing: Woven polymer material, rain/wind resistant
“What is this thing?”
(no stars) by Shane T.
Too small. I want my money back. Body got cold during night. I better get great tickets for this. Next year will be getting in line early, with my own tent.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©September 17th, 2014 @ 11:41am
With the smash Guardians of the Galaxy essentially walking off the summer blockbuster crown for 2014, ticket sales are starting to wind down a bit as the film runs its course. Still making the rounds is the Guardians soundtrack, which has topped Billboard charts at number one and still sits high at number three after six weeks. Surely the soundtrack — which boasts classic rock and soul from the likes of The Runaways, Marvin Gaye and Redbone — is the most successful single soundtrack in recent months, perhaps even years. But the smash soundtrack — or even the very well-cobbled soundtrack — certainly is nothing new in 2014. Let’s take a look at a gaggle of must-have movie soundtracks, soundtracks that you should own and some which might surprise you.
SOUNDTRACKS YOU MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW
Forrest Gump (1994)
Few film soundtracks have made their way into as many collections over the past thirty years as the eras-spanning collection found on the two-disc Forrest Gump soundtrack. Winding its way, like its titular hero, from Elvis Presley’s 50’s to Bob Seger’s early 80’s, it’s as much a history lesson as a damn good compendium of American music.
Come for: “Volunteers,” Jefferson Airplane
Stay for: “Sloop John B,” The Beach Boys
Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Whether you like disco or not, it’s impossible to argue that the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack isn’t a master class on the short-lived genre. A host of Bee Gees songs dominate the track list, as it probably should, but sprinkled in are great gems from Kool and the Gang and K.C. & the Sunshine band as well. It’s a fine set o’ tunes. Even if disco’s dead.
Come for: “Night Fever,” The Bee Gees
Stay for: “Night on Disco Mountain,” David Shire
George Lucas’ valentine to 1950’s America has a soundtrack that’s possibly even more encompassing than the massively famous cast itself. If you want the definitive, A-to-Z lesson on all rock and blues in the 50’s, this is absolutely it. Buy it for yourself, your children, your grandchildren. It’s simply music everyone should have in the arsenal.
Come for: “Chantilly Lace,” The Big Bopper
Stay for: “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes,” The Platters
What, you thought the Pulp Fiction soundtrack wouldn’t make the must-have list? Shame on you. While Tarantino practically invented the organic “soundtrack event” with the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack, he blew out the entire concept while (admittedly) writing specific tracks into various specific scenes of the film. Put it on and let it play.
Come for: “If Love is a Red Dress,” Maria McKee
Stay for: “Flowers on the Wall,” The Statler Brothers
Martin Scorsese is an absolute expert at two things: making movies and picking soundtracks for those movies. His selections for the mob autobiography Goodfellas captures both the romance of Henry Hill’s early forays into the 50’s mafia and continue to the frenetic 1970’s end of his run. All is accounted for here, combining for a musical experience as strong as the movie itself.
Come for: “Rags to Riches,” Tony Bennett
Stay for: “Mannish Boy,” Muddy Waters
The Blues Brothers was an SNL character film that somehow broke free and ended up as one of the great action-comedies of all time. It’s also, as the Belushi and Aykroyd were themselves, a sound delivery system of blues, gospel and soul music. Upbeat and solid, the soundtrack is all high points from old-school masters.
Come for: “The Old Landmark,” James Brown
Stay for: “Minnie the Moocher,” Cab Calloway
Under the guidance of Grammy-winner T-Bone Burnett, the soundtrack to the Coen Brothers’ Odysseus-esque, Depression-era comedy became the go-to collection for the hippest folks in the room. A great combo of folk music, bluegrass, blues and country, the soundtrack is alternately peaceful, deep and funny.
Come for: “Down to the River to Pray,” Allison Krauss
Stay for: “Big Rock Candy Mountain,” Harry McClintock
SOUNDTRACKS YOU SHOULD OWN RIGHT NOW
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Feeling twee? Here ya go. Whether you thought the Deschanel/Gordon-Levitt indie darling was deserving of its praise or not, it’s got a strong soundtrack. From Temper Trap to Hall & Oates, it’s a good mix of alternately moody and sunny sounds to wear your porkpie hat or Che Guevara Urban Outfitters t-shirt to.
Come for: “Here Comes Your Man,” The Pixies
Stay for: “Us,” Regina Spektor
Whether you love Wes Anderson or not — and he can be divisive — the man knows how to put a soundtrack together. Rushmore’s is heavy on the British Invasion, sprinkling Mark Mothersbaugh’s distinctive score among tracks by The Who, The Kinks, Cat Stevens and The Faces. Eclectic, rousing and positive, like all Anderson soundtracks.
Come for: “A Quick One While He’s Away,” The Who
Stay for: “Making Time,” The Creation
In collating the Mallrats soundtrack, director Kevin Smith put together a strong sampling of dissenting, almost tongue-in-cheek mall-rock to match up with the comedy. It’s not a lot of “big hits,” but each sounds like it could have been. Bonus: for a long time it was the only place to get Weezer’s “Suzanne,” which in my opinion is absolutely one of the band’s greatest songs.
Come for: “Line Up,” Elastica
Stay for: “Build Me Up Buttercup,” The Goops
A gritty soundtrack to pair with Hype Williams’ gritty urban drama about crime and drugs, Belly is a great cross-section of turn-of-the-millenium hip-hop with a who’s who kind of lineup. A lot of credit here goes to Sean “Puffy” Combs, or whatever he called himself back then, for bringing some big hitters in for a strong soundtrack.
Come for: “Grand Finale,” DMX, Method Man, Nas and Ja-Rule
Stay for: “Windpipe,” Wu-Tang Clan
I can hear you laughing, and you’re wrong. Whatever you think this soundtrack might be like, I guarantee it’s better than you think. 90’s pop-hipsters like Supergrass, Cracker, Counting Crows, Jill Sobule and Luscious Jackson combine for a high-energy collection that deserves a place in any music collection.
Come for: “Fake Plastic Trees,” Radiohead
Stay for: “All the Young Dudes,” World Party
The Breakfast Club (1985)
While the premier teen 1980’s movie may not have the greatest 80’s soundtrack, bear in mind that there really weren’t a lot of 80’s movies that did boast a great hits-filled 80’s soundtrack. You’ll be very pleased with what’s here, though, and you’ll recognize it when you hear it. Plus — c’mon — “(Don’t You) Forget About Me?” If you hate that, you’re simply a monster. A monster!
Come for: “We Are Not Alone,” Karla DeVito
Stay for: “Fire in the Twilight,” Wang Chung
SOUNDTRACKS YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR
If you’ve seen this movie, I don’t have to tell you how special and great and underseen by the rest of your friends it is. The same can be said about the soundtrack. Warm, stacked and (I daresay) even romantic, the wealth of really solid tracks and artists on the Beautiful Girls soundtracks is stellar, from The Spinners to the Afghan Wigs. Really, check it out.
Come for: “Me and Mrs. Jones,” Billy Paul
Stay for: “Beth,” Kiss
Two versions of alt-classic “There She Goes” bookend this soundtrack — one by the Boo Radleys and the original by the La’s — but its filled out by a Toad the Wet Sprocket, Chris Whitley and the Darling Buds. Plus it features Big Audio Dynamite II’s “Rush,” which is simply one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s really all you need to know.
Come for: “Two Princes,” The Spin Doctors
Stay for: “Saturday Night,” Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
The ska/swing movement left us almost as soon as it began, but if you’re having trouble locating all your Less Than Jake or Skank’n Pickle albums these days, just pick up the soundtrack to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s BASEketball for all your ska and big band needs. And Reel Big Fish covers A-Ha’s “Take On Me,” which is worth the price of admission.
Come for: “Jump In Line,” Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
Stay for: “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful,” Nerf Herder
Go ahead and laugh, but this is could easily fit into the “must-haves” list based on its late 70’s/early 80’s country pedigree alone. Get this lineup: Bob Seger. Boz Scaggs. Jimmy Buffett. The Charlie Daniels Band. The Eagles. It might as well be called “Now That’s What I Call Easy Listening Country Music 1979!” Why are you still sitting here? Go. GO!
Come for: “Lookin’ for Love,” Johnny Lee
Stay for: “Here Comes the Hurt Again,” Mickey Gilley
“I’m familiar with a lot of guys, hang out with those guys. A couple of my teammates actually went to Florida, so I’m familiar with a lot of those guys. It’s going to be fun walking out with a victory and rubbing it in their faces.”
-JoJo Kemp on Saturday’s Florida game
“…Like I told him yesterday, ‘You think they’re gonna hear all that? They’re gonna hear the last five seconds of what you said’….I don’t think that was very smart.”
-UK Football Coach Stoops on JoJo Kemp’s comments about his friends who play for Florida
Hello, friends. You look well. That’s a very fashionable scarf. No, really. It’s very nice. Why is it…oh, you’re presenting on the new Apple iPhone 6 telecast? Well, good for you. No, I think people are really going to like it. It looks cool.’
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend is going to be a reality check for the Wildcats as they face the almost-always-fairly-intimidating Florida Gators. UT-Martin and Ohio may have gone down [relatively] easy, but rest assured the boys in blue and orange most certainly will not. Unfortunately, a kerfluffle has erupted in the past few days concerning a quote taken out of context by Kentucky running back JoJo Kemp, who — while joking about his high school friends from Florida — made a comment seen by the Florida football community as a shot across the bow. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not the first time the well-meaning JoJo has been misquoted to controversial extent in the media. You will probably remember these other regrettable quotes from last season in a piece we’ll call The (Mis)Quotable JoJo Kemp. Enjoy, I’ll see you next week, and Go Cats.
On Vanderbilt — November 13, 2013
Kemp: I feel really good about Saturday’s Vandy game, and I feel like everyone’s firing on all cylinders right now and that we’re really clicking. I truly believe that, just as I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. (laughs) I don’t really, that’s a joke. It’s not like I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. It would be crazy to say that, wouldn’t it? Crazy to say “Nickelback is the greatest band in history.”
On Missouri — November 4
Reporter: How do you feel about Missouri’s one-loss season so far? Does it make you nervous?
Kemp: No, no. You know, it doesn’t make me nervous. But they are good. Are they the best in the SEC? I don’t know. That’s a tough thing to definitively say, you know? You can’t just go making definitive statements until everything is said and done, right? I mean, that’s why I’m certainly not going around saying, quote, “I, JoJo Kemp, am 100% certain that America faked the moon landing,” unquote.
On Alabama State — November 1, 2013
Kemp: Do we need this win? Absolutely. Any win right now is invaluable to us. Why wouldn’t we need this win? It’s absolutely something we need at this point in time, unlike the United States Postal Service.
On South Carolina — October 2, 2013
Kemp: South Carolina’s a very strong team, but I really think we’re strong enough right now to take them down.
Reporter: It’s supposed to be hot on Saturday, how will you cope with the heat?
Kemp: (laughs) I am going to keep my water bottle full of pure spring water because I do not believe that the government should dictate whether the controlled addition of fluoride should be introduced to our potable water supply.
On Georgia — November 19, 2013
Kemp: Sure, Georgia’s good. Not as good as they usually are, but they’re good. It’ll be a fair fight but I think we’re going to come out on top. All we have to do is play the best game we can play and put some points on the board. Also, The Wire isn’t that great of a TV show.
On Alabama — October 10, 2013
Kemp: When we go out there, we’re just gonna make our routine plays and they’re gonna get scored on this week. (laughs)
Reporter: “You’re guaranteeing it?
Kemp: Oh yeah, I’m guaranteeing it.
Reporter: How many times?
Kemp: Kentucky will score 487 touchdowns.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©August 28th, 2014 @ 9:30pm
Last Year: 2013 was a rough year for Graham, as he had that one night where he got really drunk at the Alabama State game and his foot went through that sewer grate, requiring some minor medical attention. He also was really into the Black Keys then, and talked about them all the time; it was really annoying. You remember.
This Year’s Outlook: If Graham’s going to be valuable at a tailgate, he’s going to have to stop telling everyone about his gallbladder surgery over the summer — we’ve all heard the story and it’s gross and we don’t care. Graham is on the bubble for the 2014 season; he could turn out a great tailgating season or he could blow it all by mid-September.
What the Media is Saying: “Graham is one to watch on Saturday, because it’s really a make-or-break day for him. If he brings his A-game and can just be cool about things, that’s good. If he has more than four bourbons, all bets are off — we wouldn’t want to be cleaning up that mess. And who’s he into these days? Ed Sheeran? Yeah, he best just leave all that at home.”
Last Year: Rick had a great thing going in 2013; despite a long trip in from western KY on Game Day he was pretty good about rallying. We won’t soon forget his scathing “Taylor Hudson Sucks” chant about the Vanderbilt punter or the colorful and creative impromptu songs he made up about Alabama’s Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix. He only urinated in his pants twice that we know of, a strong uptick since 2012 when that was a frequent occurrence.
This Year’s Outlook: Rick has a new truck, a crew cab F450 adorned with UK magnets, and has been boasting an optimistic outlook on Stoops & company for the new season. “Rick said he’s going to get tore up this year,” said his longtime friend Charles Ray, “but not so tore up that he doesn’t make it to the game. That’s big for him. He means it.”
What the Media is Saying: “Tailgating with Rick is like drinking Chardonnay at a wedding. It’s fine because it’s there, but cross the line and it’s just too much. Sure, he’s really fun when he’s leading everyone in a chorus of ‘Country Girl (Shake it for Me)’, but the next thing you know he’s shoving you by the shoulder and telling you nobody wants you there. You can have too much of a good thing. Let’s hope he keeps things in the green zone for 2014 and we don’t have a repeat of the messy ‘Big & Rich has still got it’ fiasco of 2013.”
Last Year: Shawn P. struggled during halftime rushes at the north concourse concession stand, a problem which led to write-ups from Brad twice during the season; he regularly suffered from customer complaints of not enough ice and the occasional “being creepy.” Also, he had the unappetizing habit of regularly putting his thumb into a customer’s ice cream cone, something he claims was an accident because “the cones are too small for his hands.”
This Year’s Outlook: This year has seen some changes which should help Shawn P. — not the least of which is a relocation to the lower south concourse, requested because his staring was making Brittany uncomfortable. This stand boasts a new cheese dispenser, which should be easier to maneuver, and fill line marked inside the cups this year will serve as a benchmark for the amount of soda to provide.
What the Media is Saying: “Shawn has the rare opportunity to really turn things around for himself this year. For starters, no one else at his location is into anime, which should cut down on the distracting small talk. He’ll also be second in command by seniority, which should help put him into a leadership role. All of this can change for Shawn P., but only if he can keep that weird white dried up spittle from collecting in the corners of his mouth. He has to keep an eye on that if he wants to succeed, because no one wants to see that; it’s nasty.”
Last Year: Tracy’s 2013 started strong but really took a downturn in late October; she was really fun to be around for the first few games, and her friends were okay too, but then she broke up with Cameron and things really took a dark turn for her. She was constantly asking people what Cameron was doing, and whether he was hooking up with anyone else, and then she brought that guy everyone hated to the Tennessee tailgate and told us all she loved him and that he was so much better than Cameron. Whatever. We all knew she was just looking for attention from Cameron.
This Year’s Outlook: Tracy had a fling with one of the guys at her apartment complex over the summer so she seems pretty happy at the moment; his name’s Tad and I guess he’s okay even if he seems like kind of a chode. Anyway, we better get used to him because he’s going to be around every tailgate. Cameron’s with Serena now, and I don’t know if Tracy knows that yet — when she finds out she might go crazy. So, you know, 2014 is going to be interesting.
What the Media is Saying: “If Tracy’s really over Cameron, like she says, she might have a shot at being a solid tailgater in 2014. If not, look for more of her crying and being weird, like that really sad moment last season she was hitting herself in the head with the barbecue tongs and telling herself she didn’t deserve to be loved. Could go either way for Tracy this season.”
Last Year: Keith brought Duke to every tailgate.
This Year’s Outlook: Keith will bring Duke to every tailgate again, and Duke will just stand there and occasionally eat a hot dog or some chips that fell on the ground. So look for more of the same from Duke in 2014.
What the Media is Saying: “Look, everyone knows Duke’s only here because Keith has to be the cool guy who brings his dog everywhere. And that’s fine, I guess. We all get it, just like we get that Keith goes hiking and eats quinoa and bikes around. Yeah, fine, okay, you’re outdoorsy. Leave the dog at home, Keith.”
Where am I? pic.twitter.com/FMXCxMflwr
— John Calipari (@UKCoachCalipari) August 19, 2014
Hello, Friends. Sup brah? Are you living large? How is it twerking? Ham? How’s my bae? I’m sorry, I can’t talk like this anymore.
Friends, this week marks likely the last week of light coverage before Kentucky sports EXPLODES, beginning with a titanic showdown against UT-Martin to open the UK Football season and slowly, we can assume, segueing into October when — if what we saw over the last week and a half is to be believed — we will all be the happiest people in the college basketball world. It’s going to be wonderful, to be sure. Until then, this week is this week; and luckily for us Cal has put together some fun games to play while we wait for the sports seasons to begin. They’re all very mysterious, but he clearly seems to enjoy them. He’s like the Riddler. If you’re not a follower of Coach’s Twitter feed, we’ve been subjected to several photos with enigmatic questions posed beneath. Today, I’ve collected those photos for you in one place so you and your friends can play the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz. Get the family together and have a great time! And as always, we’ll see you next week for a little UT-Martin fun.
Q: Where am I?
Q: Who is this?
Q: Where is this?
Q: What is this?
Q: Why are we here?
Q: What is that smell?
Q: How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?
Q: What’s eating Gilbert Grape?
Q: Are you going to finish that?
Q: Have you driven a Ford lately?
Q: What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
Q: Who up orlando?
Hello, friends. Look, I got your nose! Ha, ha! No, I didn’t really. No, you still have a nose. Look, this is my thumb. Sorry, it was just a joke. No, I didn’t realize that was a sensitive subject with you. I’ll certainly not do that again, and I apologize.
Friends, if you’re no stranger to this blog then you already realize that the world domination of the 2014-2015 Kentucky Wildcats has found its origin point at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas, where these young ‘Cats are putting on quite the show for audiences across the nation. It’s all very, very exciting — but I don’t need to tell you that. Friends, the next on our list of targets is none other than the Dominican Republic, which led me to doing some research. Today, then, let’s pull some tourism shots for the country and learn about the Dominican Republic, shall we? We shall. See you next week, and go Cats.
Welcome to the Dominican Republic! Our sun-kissed beaches and hot romantic nights will no doubt ensure a lovely visit for you and yours during your stay in our fair country. We are also not Puerto Rico, so if you have arrived here on accident please alert your travel advisor immediately so you can get where you need to go. Buses and boats run hourly.
Go ahead, snap a selfie! After all, you’re in one of the most beautiful island nations in the world! Our official photographers will also be on hand to snap a commemorative photo of your selfie, which will be available in the gift shop for purchase. You don’t want to miss these beautiful memories!
Rent a car and just cruise around! There’s nothing like exploring Dominica for yourself with your best friends. Take pictures of the beach, smile, laugh and enjoy life on “island time!”*
*Please watch the road at all times.
Enjoy one of our leisurely cruises while staying in the Dominican Republic, where you may encounter sea turtles, dolphins or breathtaking coral reefs! All of these people have taken a break from sightseeing and are peeing in the water. Go ahead, it’s okay! No one will get upset with you!
Please stay abreast of all rules and regulations set forth by the government while staying within the borders of the Dominican Republic. Notable offenses include “having worries!” and “not jammin'”! Just kidding. Murder, extortion and assault are actual offenses and punishable by extradition and will be treated with to the utmost extent of the law.
Should you find yourself under arrest in the Dominican Republic (and we hope you won’t!), you will be enslaved in one of Dominica’s floating water prisons, of which there is no escape. Your home country will be notified and they will need to send a rescue team before you drown.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to romance — Dominican style! Many on-location pieces and travel segments for ABC’s The Bachelorette have been filmed over the years, so fancy yourself a “bachelorette” of your own by taking a vacation from your job at accounts receivable, ditch those sweat pants and tell your family you’re going to “get your groove back” in the Dominican Republic! Don’t worry, we will not judge the sadness of your situation! We see it all the time! In fact, it accounts for nearly 1/3 of our economy!
Or perhaps you want to treat your spouse to a week away in paradise…we’ve got you covered! Hang out at the pool bar and have a great time. Arturo, your bartender, will keep you refreshed with delicious rum-based beach drinks. Don’t worry that he hates you and wishes you’d stop talking about Restoration Hardware and Orange is the New Black. He just wants you to have a great time!
Oh my! Looks like this lucky tourist made a new friend in one of the many seals who call Dominica home! You never know what you’ll find here in your exotic island travels!
This is taking things too far. Please, during your time here, know the limits between human and wildlife. Sometimes a seal kiss is just a kiss and should not be interpreted as any kind of invitation for more.
Ocean excursions are some of the most fun you’ll ever have in the water! Explore the Atlantic on one of our many recreational “banana boats” with your family and friends and see the ocean like you’ve never seen it before!
*The likelihood of this occurring is very slim, we assure you.
Head down to the Dominican Republic today for a vacation like you’ve never experienced! We can’t wait to meet, greet and entertain you and know a Dominican getaway will be just what you need. See you soon!
(Official photographs of selfies are available in gift shop.)
By C.M. Tomlin on ©August 07th, 2014 @ 2:00pm
Hello, Friends. You’re looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. Proctologist appointment? I thought so. I can always tell with you.
Friends, last week we looked at the first part of our abridged North American Field Guide to SEC Football Fans and had a lot of fun. This week let’s dip back in to mostly finish things off in its companion sequel, shall we? We certainly shall. If you’re traveling to the Bahamas, be careful, have fun, and send me a postcard. Or any souvenir that says “WE BE JAMMIN'” on it. If such a souvenir exists in Jamaica. I don’t know if it does.
Distinguishing Marks: Sunglasses tan-line (male), breast augmentation (female only)
What To Know: While the college-aged Crimson Tide fan has plenty of reason to celebrate each new football season, the elder Alabama fan lives in a constant state of arrested development — desperately trying to recapture his glory years at each tailgate, sportsbar or family cookout. Let them have this. They live in Alabama; they need this.
Tips: Cross them at your own peril, because there’s no way you’ll have the last word. Best just to flip them off as you drive past in your car, then you won’t have to hear them.
Distinguishing Marks: Hooping, hollering, ripping, roaring.
What To Know: Did you know Texas A&M fans are from Texas, and love Texas? You will soon enough, because they won’t stop talking about it for one second. Aggie fans listen to the same country music as everyone else but claim all good country music for themselves as “Texas Country” and it is strictly forbidden for females of the species to wear anything but cowboy boots and short shorts. Many did not know how to dance until a hip high school transfer student took on the stodgy adults of their hometowns.
Tips: It is a waste of time to ask a Texas A&M fan where he or she is from, because it is undoubtedly a town with a population of 7,000 people in Texas and you’ve never heard of it.
Distinguishing Marks: Mini-van, Crocs
What To Know: Auburn is essentially University of Alabama football for nice families. This is because a degree from Auburn means just enough to get a good job, build a decent-sized home in an emerging Birmingham neighborhood and have two to three children: son dressed in a non-player-specific jersey, toddler daughter dressed as a cheerleader. Not harmful.
Tips: To get an Auburn fan to stop talking about the Food Network, simply toss some iTunes gift cards on the ground.
Distinguishing Marks: Blazers, baseball caps, sense of entitlement
What To Know: It is a statistical fact that 75-80% of male Ole Miss students resemble the rich kids from Scent of a Woman. Two out of three Ole Miss fans are on the J. Crew mailing list. Also, a brunette female at Ole Miss is considered to be a hideous mutant.
Tips: The only Ole Miss fans who can talk with you about the strength of Ole Miss’ football program are over seventy years old.
Distinguishing Marks: Blue jeans, work boots, wallet chain
What To Know: The embarrassing cousin to Ole Miss, Bulldogs fans are well meaning and jovial but don’t know when to quit. Tailgates end when someone falls through the table. Everyone’s having fun until Melissa falls down the stairs and cries. They party hard and crash harder.
Tips: A recent study revealed that the average Mississippi State fan actually thinks the word “dog” is spelled “dawg.”
Distinguishing Marks: Getting ‘er done, sleeveless shirts, eyes > teeth
What To Know: The Razorback fan secretly hates football season because it cuts into his noodling time. If you want to listen to music in his truck he has both Creed AND Puddle of Mudd; he has given more shirtless fistbumps than hugs to family and loved ones. Loves being a “crazy man,” and expects you to “know it.”
Tips: Do not put your fingers near an Arkansas fan’s mouth EVER.
Distinguishing Marks: age 26 and under: cargo shorts; 27-40: poorly executed UK ankle tattoo; 50+: decorative sweater/oversized button
What To Know: Don’t be put off by all the basketball gear these fans are wearing, you are actually at a football game. Tailgates, however, provide a great opportunity to talk about basketball. Traditionally, many fans don’t make it inside Commonwealth Stadium in time for kick-off or at all. Currently optimistic, but this has been known to change in the past.
Tips: Beware the Kentucky fan on the rare Keeneland-Football-Big-Blue-Madness-Weekend Trifecta, for he may literally try to drink you.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©July 31st, 2014 @ 2:15pm
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I think you have some strawberry jelly around your mouth. No, not there. Not there. There. Yes. Oh, my. That’s a rash. You should have that looked at. Where would you even get a rash like that?
Friends, football season is swiftly approaching — but I don’t need to tell you that. Stoops Fever has captured the Big Blue Nation and this fall sees another opportunity for Kentucky Football to begin rebuilding itself to the perennially successful program it has the potential to be. It’s not going to be easy; I’m not going to lie to you. You know, as well as I do, that SEC football is a gauntlet of impressive assassins, and over the next few years we’re going to have to face them all head-on if we want to claim a spot at the top of the pile. For us, the fans, this also means dealing with the fan bases of these teams. So since it’s late July, nothing much is going on, and I know you guys love off-topic posts, I thought today we’d start off a two-part series updating a piece we began a few years back: our Field Guide to identifying the SEC fans we’ve come to know over the years. Have a great weekend, everyone, and I’ll see you here again next week.
Distinguishing Marks: Visor, Parrothead vanity plate, Croakies tan line, flip-flops
What to know: The Florida fan is mostly bluster on dry land; his true territory is on his boat. That said, the Florida fan — as most Florida natives — can be prone to momentary insanity. Best not to provoke the Florida fan lest he bite your earlobe off or try to run you over with a skid steer. It won’t make sense, of course, don’t question it. That is the nature of the Floridian. Their leathery, damaged skin is thick and coarse. Do not pet them.
Tips: If you are being pursued by a Florida fan, tossing a few can coozies in the opposite direction will almost certainly throw them off your trail.
Distinguishing Marks: Ironic Sperrys, “athletic fit” button-downs, glasses
What to know: Vanderbilt fans are among the “hippest” in the SEC due to their Nashville insulation. They are Tennesseeans but not rural, they are Nashvillians who prefer St. Vincent to Luke Bryan. They are generally fairly quiet, but will attack if they feel their favorite neighborhood organic nacho restaurant is being threatened. They don’t expect much from their football team so they rarely have darker moments following losses. A victory may lead to alcohol poison for the Vanderbilt fan, however, as a few more celebratory Magic Hats to kick things up a notch may ensue.
Tips: You may think a Vanderbilt fan is listening to the words you are speaking but all he hears is acid trance music.
Distinguishing Marks: Tribal tattoo, unwashed cargo shorts, open mouth
What to know: The South Carolina fan goes nowhere without a 20 oz. Diet Coke bottle full of dip spit in one hand and a 32 oz. McDonald’s cup full of vodka and Sprite in the other. Caps tend to be worn backward, shirts tend to be removed at some point, a pervasive sense of partying follows the Gamecock fan wherever he goes. Look for this fan to be shouting from the tailgate of a pickup truck pre-game and lying unconscious in the mud beneath its tire at kickoff.
Tips: The average South Carolina fan knows a guy who drank a fifth of SoCo and partied with Kenny Chesney. DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT THIS.
Distinguishing Marks: Older age, high income bracket, expensive winnebago
What to know: The average traveling LSU fan, as noted above, is 60 years old, a successful doctor close to retiring who has the expendable income to purchase a high-level RV to take him, his doctor friends and his 45 year-old “trophy wife” in a big hat to away games on weekends. They are relatively harmless and keep to themselves for the most part.
Tips: Befriend the traveling LSU tailgating fan, as they spend a lot of money on higher-quality food than what you and your friends are eating.
Distinguishing Marks: Male – Red pants, navy blazer, bow tie, no socks, loafers, father’s credit card; Female – blonde, sundress, bulldog paw cutely painted on cheek.
What to know: The Georgia football fan generally fancies himself a higher breed and caliber than his peers, has a father in real estate development and likes to think of himself as an “southern gentleman.” Pays little attention to the game but has good seats. Once drunk, he gets depressed and cries as his girlfriend makes out with a girl.
Tips: The average Georgia fan loves the book and movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and believes that’s how people from Georgia are supposed to be. It’s not, and it’s ridiculous.
Distinguishing Marks: Camouflage, neon “hunter orange” instead of “Volunteer Orange,” Oakley wraparound sunglasses
What to know: Tennessee fans cannot be reasoned with and hate you, whoever you are, if you are not a Tennessee fan. Still talks about Peyton. Travels to your home field but acts as if he can’t stand to be there. Owns three or more Duck Dynasty-branded items which are not hunting implements or clothing. Tells you to “come on over here then and say it to his face” when you haven’t said anything. Has more than five punch-holes in the drywall of his garage.
Tips: Never touch the Tennessee fan’s truck balls. You could be murdered for that.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©July 24th, 2014 @ 2:30pm
From: Ray “Rock” Oliver, Strength Coach
To: Kentucky Men’s Basketball Coaching Staff, Men’s Basketball Team
Re: Changes to Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)
July 24, 2013
Coaching Staff and Players,
As you’re by now probably aware, hot yoga has recently been added to the pre-season regimen. This suggestion recently came to us from former player Randall Cobb, who recommended it as a worthwhile way to strengthen muscle control and elasticity. We’ve done the research and run the numbers and the statistical results seem to be there, so we feel like it is a good addition to the training schedule. This “alternative approach” to strengthening and agility has spurred our staff to look into some other possibilities which we will be adding to the schedule in the near future. These will include:
-Below-Zero Zumba: Combining the muy caliente moves of hip-hop and samba dance with the muscle-tightening physiology of movement in sub-freezing temperatures, this technique will help to replicate the feeling of tensed muscle which continually need loosening. Once the body is trained with a sense memory to continually be in the process of loosening these muscles at all times the body can begin to perform at its most peak level. Parkas will be provided.
-Underwater Jazzercise: A proven fusion of jazz dance and resistance training, each sixty-minute underwater jazzercise session will include intermitten air breaks and waterproof earphones as you both melt away the pounds and create your body into a stronger, leaner machine to the tunes of acclaimed jazzercise musicians The Hugh Price Experience and Quiet Fire.
-Crab soccer: Supporting limber joints and muscles is key to preparing your body for the season ahead, so a round-robin crab soccer tournament will begin on August 7 and continue in a double-elimination fashion in heats until August 29. This is not a place for laughing and horsing around. Horsing around will begin on September 4.
-Horsing around: Tapping into the feral nature of athleticism, we will engage in exercises designed to connect to your spirit horse, a free creature pushing its endurance to the limit as it tames the open fields of your mind. These exercises will both include emulation of and connection to the unbridled horse which lives inside your soul.
-Spinning: Stationary bicycle riding with a weighted flywheel at increasing intervals.
-Spinning: Spinning around in the dark with glowsticks to ambient chill music as you raise your consciousness to the universe and its many unparalleled wonders.
-Respect to Gaia: No strength and agility would be possible at all without blessings from Earth Mother Goddess Gaia, birth giver to the gods of the sea and sky. Awaken your soul with her abundant gifts and drink from the cup of blessings bestowed upon you while you bask in the loving gratitude of the togetherness of earth and her eternal sustainability. Also three sets of squats.
See you in the weight room!