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Need-to-Know Wednesday

Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations

Forty Minutes of Hell

Forty Minutes of Hell

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Hello, friends. You’re looking well today. Oh hey, look at this..let’s see, it’s right over…HERE – You looked, now I get to hit you twice on the arm for looking. Ready? Hold Still. ONE…TWO. There…no, you can’t do it to me, the game’s over. We’re not playing that anymore.

Friends, I don’t have to tell you that this weekend Arkansas head coach Mike Anderson will bring his Hogs (players, not actual hogs) into Rupp for a shot at the king. The Razorbacks are currently second in the SEC and Anderson will no doubt be bringing his favorite strategy “Forty Minutes of Hell” to the proceedings, which of course is his version of the basketball strategy the great Nolan Richardson made famous many years ago. But what exactly is Anderson’s version of “Forty Minutes of Hell” and why should we fear it? I’m pleased today to print, in advance of the game, Anderson’s exact plans for us on Saturday, minute by hellish minute. Shall we? We shall.

——-
First Half

20:00 – Full-court press.
19:00 – Full-court press.
18:00 – Jabril Durham calls Devin Booker and hangs up, repeatedly.
17:00 – Nick Babb stands behind Sam Malone and keeps flicking him in the ear.
16:00Scary Movie 5 DVD director’s commentary
15:00 – BlueCross BlueShield customer claim hotline.
14:00 – Bobby Portis performs nasal irrigation for sixty seconds.
13:00 – Wildcats attend a one year-old’s birthday party.
12:00 – One corner of Dakari Johnson’s bedsheet keeps coming off the mattress.
11:00 – Kale chips for everyone.
10:00 – Willie Cauley-Stein helps Anton Beard move.
9:00 – Karaoke with ONLY Elton John songs.
8:00 – Karl Towns attends a timeshare presentation.
7:00 – Anthlon Bell stares uncomfortably at Tyler Ulis.
6:00 – Razorbacks flip through radio stations without stopping on one.
5:00 – John Robic accidentally clips a fingernail down too far.
4:00 – Dominique Hawkins goes to Fayette Mall on December 23.
3:00 – A Time-Warner representative goes over their new promotions.
2:00 – The Wildcats remove a tree stump in the heat.
1:00 – Couples’ baby shower.

Second Half

20:00 – Aggressive press.
19:00 – Internet is down.
18:00 – Michael Qualls leaves his wet towel on the guest room carpet.
17:00 – Cal loses Ellen’s Gladware™
16:00 – Alandise Harris sends Andrew Harrison an email with the caps lock on.
15:00Mysteries of Laura marathon.
14:00 – Slice Rohrssen waits for an oven to preheat.
13:00 – Maroon 5 plays three encores.
12:00 – Ky Madden eats an orange with no plate on Aaron Harrison’s couch.
11:00 – Moses Kingsley shows Kenny Payne photos from his trip to Washington D.C.
10:00 – Brian Long loses a contact lens on a busy carpet.
9:00 – Bill Meck breaks in with weather news.
8:00 – Mike Anderson “sexy-dancing.”
7:00 – The Wildcats try to figure out which smoke alarm is beeping.
6:00 – EJ Floreal zips himself up in his fly.
5:00 – Tod Lanter can’t merge.
4:00 – Trey Lyles has to babysit while his friends go to the biggest party of the year.
3:00 – Total breakdown of society.
2:00 – The dark lord Satan turns the arena into a pit of fiery torment.
1:00 – Fouling.


Excerpts from John Calipari’s Book Club

Excerpts from John Calipari’s Book Club

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Hello, friends. You’re looking well. You have a little ketchup on the edge of your mouth. There. No, there. No, my right. Look. I’m a mirror. Right here. There, you got it. Oh, yikes. No, you’re bleeding profusely from the mouth. You should probably go to a hospital.

Friends, if you were on board for last weekend’s ESPN College Gameday you, like me, learned that Cal and Willie Cauley-Stein have a “book club” together where they read books and talk about them. In fact, Willie credits Jon Gordon’s book The Energy Bus for helping to reawaken his potential and fire of late. Sharing books to keep players hyped and interested is, I think we can all agree, a positive and constructive thing for Calipari’s coaching style, but I was looking through some of the books he’s been handing out lately and I’m detecting a little more at work. Some of these books seem to be slightly altered; I’m calling shenanigans. After all, it IS a great way for Cal to get his message across. See for yourself.

——–

Unknown-2Herman Melville, Moby Dick

“…That night, in the mid-watch, when the old man—as his wont at intervals—stepped forth from the scuttle in which he leaned, and went to his pivot-hole, he suddenly thrust out his face fiercely, snuffing up the sea air as a sagacious ship’s dog will, in drawing nigh to some barbarous isle. He declared that a whale must be near. Ahab rapidly ordered the ship’s course to be slightly altered, and the sail to be shortened. This was the first tweak. The second tweak would come a few months later, when Ahab would lower the boat himself with his harpooneer, leaving Starbuck to the Pequod, to address the white whale; there would be talk in the newspapers of a third tweak but the second tweak so far seemed to work pretty well so a third tweak, many would agree, was probably not necessary…”

———

Unknown-3Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

“’Have some wine,’ the March Hare said in an encouraging tone.
Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. `I don’t see any wine,’ she remarked.
`There isn’t any,’ said the March Hare.
`Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it,’ said Alice angrily.
`It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited,’ said the March Hare.
`I didn’t know it was your table,’ said Alice; `it’s laid for a great many more than three. And why aren’t you going after that 50/50 ball? Why, that seems positively mad!’
‘As mad as going for a ball-fake, when it’s been clearly telegraphed?’ said the Hatter.
‘That’s preposterous as well! Someone’s going to sneak in there and you’re going to drop a game in the SEC with ludicrous decisions like those!’ said Alice. ‘You have to keep your head in it, like your coach repeatedly tells you!’”

———

Unknown-5Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Atticus said to Jem one day, “Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” That was the only time I ever heard Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. “Your father’s right,” she said. “Mockingbirds don’t do one thing except make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corn cribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird. He’s also right about staying in front of your man on drives; you’re going to lose every time if you don’t stay in front of your man. That’s a sin, too. And be nice to Boo Radley, he’s right about that, too. Also, brothers’ keeper. And gold standard. Remember all that stuff.”

———

Unknown-1William Shakespeare, Henry V

“Now all the youth of England are on fire,
And silken dalliance in the wardrobe lies:
Now thrive the armourers, and honour’s thought
Reigns solely in the breast of every man;
Whence the gamecock approaches be wary
Its crowing and fast break without fault
Take their hearts and minds not for granted
As thou might have Vanderbilt
For T’would be grievous folly to overlook
And therefore fall in turn, falling, falling
To those would mock and cry
‘South Carolina!’ How foolish! What error!’
For soon may come the age of Zags, who play no one.”

——–

Unknown-4Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the time of staying in the stance, it was the time of ballwatching, it was the season of being the needle, it was the season of taking smart shots. France was ready to fight. And you gotta. You gotta fight hard under there because that’s the only way it’s gonna happen, Dakari. I mean France. ”


University of Florida Student FAQs

University of Florida Student FAQs

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As a student at the University of Florida you’re certain to grow accustomed to your surroundings on your own; however, you may still have questions. Here are some of the most common questions asked by on-campus residential UF students.

Where can I eat on campus?
The University of Florida offers a number of great dining options, from the food court at Reitz Union to the Gator Corner Dining Center and the convenient stores and fast food of Little Hall. A map is available at student services for you to discover the locations nearest you.

What can I do if I lose the key to my dorm room?
It has happened to all of us at one point; you misplace your key and can’t find it anywhere. In the event of a lockout please call the residence advisor on duty in your building and he or she will grant you access until a replacement key can be requested.

My roommate has a lot of pet birds. So many that it’s hard to sleep, and our room is beginning to smell a little bit. What can I do about this, and why does he have them?
Many times the “learning curve” of a new roommate can be difficult, and you’re not the first to report this difficulty. It’s not uncommon for some UF students to make some “extra money” importing and selling rare or endangered birds to collectors around the country. The good news is that the peak buying season for illegal birds is from November-March, so your room should grow increasingly emptier as your school semester progresses. Hang in there!

Why is there a baby alligator in my toilet?
Great question! Actually, that’s likely not a baby alligator as much as it is a full-sized caimen, which is in the alligator family. These reptiles can swim up through water pipes and on occasion may pop up where they’re unwelcome! Don’t worry, it’s not as dangerous as an alligator; however, its tiny teeth are very sharp and can rip flesh and muscle from bone at a rapid speed, so don’t anger it. Instead, please call the headcampus janitor at extension x8889 or email him at matt.walsh@ufla.edu and he can take care of it for you.

Last night as I was sleeping, a meth-crazy stripper cut off my genitals. What now?
Welcome to Florida! You may have noticed that the very image of a meth-crazy stripper cutting off a sleeping man’s genitals is on our license plate. Around here we have a old saying before before bed: Good night/sleep tight/don’t forget to wrap an elaborate system of string and bells around your room and wear your steel genital casing.” The student health care center should be able to help in such situations, give them a ring at x9833.

An escaped convict from a nearby prison broke into our dorm yesterday and when we came home he had created a Satan-ritual altar to gain the powers of the devil. We fought him off before he could complete it but we’re afraid he might return.
Oh, that old story! He probably is more afraid of you than you are of him. Alert the authorities if you know of the direction he is currently headed in and they will handle the rest. Be sure to clean up; remember that lighted candles are not permitted in residence halls.

I was studying in Broward Hall when a reticulated python began to strike at me around the face and, once I was on the ground, wrapped itself around me and began to crush my body. My friend had to hack it to death with a fire axe and there’s blood everywhere, both mine and the snake’s. What should I do?
This happens all the time. Give Janitor Walsh a call and he can take care of everything.

My Bigfoot museum got swallowed by a sinkhole. Do I have to start over?
Yes.


An Oral History of Mike Krzyzewski’s 1,000 Wins

An Oral History of Mike Krzyzewski’s 1,000 Wins

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Gil Corrano, Sports Reporter, The West Point Gazette
“I covered his first game as a head coach — Army versus Lehigh — in 1975. Army had been 3-22 the season before and no one was expecting much out of this new first-timer. But they beat Lehigh by 27 points in the season opener. Afterward, I caught up with him and asked him how it felt, you know, to be turning things around. I’ll never forget it; he looked me the eye and said ‘Now I have to win 999 more.’ I remember that I laughed, because I thought it was a joke, but then he held up a walnut and crushed it in his fist and let the shattered shell fall to the floor. I could see even then that he was motivated.”

Jim DeSalle, Duke Athletics Staff, 1980
“The weekend after we made Mike’s hiring official, I took him out for a drink to talk to him about his future at the university. I kidded him that his name was hard to pronounce, that it looked like some sort of crazy vanity license plate meant to convey a phrase with all the vowels taken out. He didn’t like that; he smashed a Michelob bottle on the bar and held the jagged glass to my neck. He was wild-eyed and screaming ‘Everyone will learn to say my name! Everyone!‘ The whole bar got quiet. It was weird, but I could tell he meant business.”

Linda Preston, Owner and Operator of Linda’s Playplace, Durham, NC
“In 1982 we filmed a PSA at our facility about kids and exercise, and Coach Krzyzewski came to film a piece on being a good sport. Everything went well on-camera, but off-camera one of the kids told Coach that he liked basketball even when he didn’t win. Coach Krzyzewski got really mad; he started smashing lego structures with his hands and kicked a ball through a plate glass window — and he told the kid that winning was the only thing. He ran outside shrieking and ripped some monkey bars out of the ground and did like $2,000 worth of damage. The kids were all crying and scared. One of those kids was Clay Aiken.”

Karl Malone, Member of the “Dream Team,” 1992 Olympics
We had just won our game against Panama and I hadn’t played as well as I could have; I was walking out of the arena and a taxi cab ran over me from behind, then stopped, backed up and ran over me again. Coach K was hanging out of the window of the taxi yelling ‘You will not take this win from me! You will not take my wins away from me!‘ I was really injured badly and was like ‘You’re not even the head coach! This doesn’t even count on your record!’ People were running around like ‘No mas! No mas! Detener the automóvil!‘ But we went back out there and brought home the gold.”

J.J. Redick, Duke University Basketball Player, 2002-2006
“We lost a game at Maryland in 2003 and after the game, I told Chris Duhon that we’d get them next time. Coach overheard it and picked up a brick — I don’t even know where he got it — and threw it at me, screaming that it would have been his 650th win and we screwed it all up for him. Then he stopped the bus on a bridge and made me get into a burlap sack, tied it with rope and pushed it into the Patuxent River. I almost died but I barely escaped from the sack before I froze to death. I guess I just didn’t have the drive, back then, that I needed. Coach gave me that drive.”

Bobby Knight, former Indiana Head Coach
“I remember after that 903rd win, where he broke my record. He visited my home and rang the doorbell. I came to the door to ask who it was and he said ‘Coach, it’s me, Mike. I wanted to talk to you about how much you’ve meant to me and what an inspiration you’ve been.’ I think he thought I’d be happy to see him, but instead I asked him to take one step back and then I pulled the lever that activates a trap door on my porch and he fell into the hole I had built to capture trespassers. People aren’t supposed to even get that close to the house to begin with.”

Mike Krzyzewski, Duke Head Coach
“There will be others who win more, but it’s kind of neat to be the first person to 1,000.”

Jim Boeheim, Syracuse Head Coach
“I don’t know who did this, but someone threw a rock through the front window of my home last night with a note that read STOP WINNING GAMES OR ELSE. I’ve turned it over to the authorities for a proper investigation, but I have my suspicions.”

 


Attn: Coach Martin

Attn: Coach Martin

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Hello, friends. You’re looking well. Why, there’s positively a spring in your step today! Oh, I’m sorry. Yes, that IS quite a pronounced limp. I didn’t mean to call attention to it in front of your lovely young lady friend.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the SEC, surprisingly, has become quite the League of Would-Be Assassins this season, taking us to repeatedly nailbiting finales since conference play began. Texas A&M, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt (Vanderbilt!) — they’ve all come to get us. This weekend, presumably, will be no exception when our Cats roll down into Colonial Life (Colonial Life!) Arena this weekend. Head Coach Frank Martin will certainly be gunning for us as his comments concerning his team after Tuesday’s loss to Tennessee were anything but flattering, a sentiment which may have gotten him into dutch with the administration. We explore that particular email, and Martin’s history of upsetting management, in a piece today which we’ll call Attn: Coach Martin. Shall we? We shall.

———-

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Dear Coach Martin,
While your frustration with the team following Tuesday night’s loss to Tennessee was certainly understandable under the circumstances, your negativity toward the team — i.e., referring to the team as “no good,” and repeatedly emphasizing “selfishness” and “shame” — might not be the best course of action when instilling a positivity in your team and serving as a representative of the University of South Carolina. Please monitor your words and language more closely in the future to ensure stronger press and reception.

Thanks,
Harris.

———-

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Coach Martin,
It has recently come to our attention that the Basketball Operations office has been neglecting to separate its plastic recyclables from its glass recyclables, which I have learned is becoming a problem for our physical plant to resolve when preparing deliveries to the Columbia recycling plant. Please see that this distinction is made in the future.
Thanks, Harris.

——–

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Coach Martin,
We have rarely discouraged extracurricular “night jobs” for University of South Carolina personnel, but your current activities have been brought to our attention as we have been approached by several people in the community who claim you have threatened to cause them bodily harm should they not pay your employer. We feel this reflects poorly on the basketball program and would suggest you terminate said extracurricular employment immediately.
Yours, Harris

——

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Coach,
While we regret the accident which recently doused you with dangerous gamma rays (we are still investigating the incident at the Physics Building), we encourage you to please attempt to keep your temper under control as we figure out our next steps. The several automobiles you threw through the bay windows of the Thomson Student Health Center last night are not inexpensive to fix and the hole you punched in the ground in front of the bookstore has caused several problems this morning. Please see that this does not occur again in the future.
Best, Harris

——–

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Frank,
Although your feelings toward the town eccentric Maurice’s lovely daughter are well founded, as she is an exceptional girl, I have been disheartened to hear that of late you have been bragging at the tavern that you will “make” her fall in love with you, as this is likely in violation of our campus’ sexual harassment laws. Furthermore, your claims that you are going to kill her monstrous housemate are uncalled for, especially since the fact that he was once a person still makes the act one of human murder and punishable as such. Please desist.
Sincerely, Harris

———

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

Frank,
I’m not sure what you were doing in the construction area of East Campus late last night but one of our industrial plumbers visited my office this morning to inform me that not only had you kidnapped a female student but that you were foiling attempts to rescue her by hurling oil drums at oncomers. You should consider yourself very lucky that no one was hurt during this incident and I can assure you that this behavior will not stand at the University of South Carolina. I hope not to hear of this type of event again going forward.
Sincerely, Harris

———-

From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin

It has been three weeks now and your deliberate ignoring of my multiple requests to separate glass and plastic recyclables is unacceptable.

Consider this strike two.

-Harris.


Take the Alabama Fan Questionnaire!

Take the Alabama Fan Questionnaire!

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You call yourself an Alabama fan? It’s time to put your loyalty to the test, Tide Nation! Take the following questionnaire to see where you rank among the crimson faithful. Good luck!

———

1. I always prefer to watch Alabama basketball with:

a. The other wealthy doctors who live in my neighborhood
b. My girlfriend, my kids, her kids, my sister, my sister’s kids and her boyfriend Ray
c. Pooter, Jimbo and them

———

2. My biggest superstition with Alabama sports is:

a. I have to be wearing my lucky red sweater-vest
b. I get my good luck hickey from Brandine
c. I shoot three bullets into my “Shoot Tree.”

———

Al+SEC+Basketball+Tournament+Quarterfinals+oZLJeaDaMESl

3. What is this?

a. “Big Al,” the Crimson Tide Mascot
b. A messed-up dog I seen over by Duane’s house one time
c. I don’t know but if it comes near me I will kill it and it and they can’t do anything to me because it came at me and I am protecting my space

——–

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4. Who is Lane Kiffin?

a. The current offensive coordinator for Alabama football
b. A fancy man from Hollywood who runs our score plays
c. That pretty lady in the visor

——–

5. When Creighton beat us in the first round of the NCAA Tournament in 2012, I:

a. Accepted it and went to check on how the new addition to my house is coming along
b. Got into a fight with my ex-wife and we both got thrown out of Sport Clips
c. Wrote CRATIN on a board and threw my throwing stars at it

——-

6. My most disappointing moment as an Alabama fan was:

a. The ending of the 2013 Iron Bowl vs. Auburn
b. Losing to UCONN in the NCAA Tourney Elite Eight in 2004
c. The time I caught Ray and my girlfriend doing it in the back of my truck last week during the Tennessee game

——–

7. As a fan, you could best classify me as:

a.  A current booster for the University of Alabama
b.  A fan who never misses a game
c. The man who is going to karate chop Ray until his neck breaks

——–

8. My favorite snack on game day is:

a. Fried green tomatoes at a well-appointed tailgate party
b. Pizza and popcorn, with soda
c. Eleven Busch Lights and a jar of pickles

——–

9. “Crimson Tide” is:

a. A term popularized in the 1900’s referring to the Crimson color of a dominant Alabama’s team uniforms
b. A submarine movie starring Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman
c. What Ray is going to see coming out of his nose when I punch his nose bones up into his brain

——–

Ray is:

a. I don’t know who Ray is
b. Going to meet his demise when I see him at the next militia meeting so you tell him I am coming for him and it is time for him to die


Congratulations from Texas A&M University

Congratulations from Texas A&M University

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Dear Colt,

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Texas A&M University for enrollment as a first-year student in the fall of 2015. My name is Polly Starr-Dalton and I’ll be your student services contact when you arrive on campus. I’m writing today to introduce myself and let you know some important information as you prepare for your education at Texas A&M.

Whatever your major, great classes await you here at Texas A&M University. While you are not asked to officially declare your major until your sophomore year, it may be worth your time to think about your future now. Some of the many options available to you at Texas A&M include the fields of:
-Agriculture
-Mechanics
…among many others! You can even soon blend the two in our exciting new major program Agricultural Mechanics, beginning in 2016. This program is expected to fill up quickly!

If you will be living on campus, entering your request early will help you to get the residence hall of your preference. You can contact Brandy-Brooke Creager at our Student Housing office, who you probably remember because she was a cheerleader at Chilton the year Chilton’s football team beat Hubbard in overtime and everyone went to Austin’s parents’ boat on Temples Lake and Chris Doolin had to go to the hospital. She can help you with your preferences.

Should you request to be placed with a university-chosen roommate, please fill out the questionnaire (attached) and return it with your enrollment forms. These questions will help us to pair you with a roommate who shares your interests, including:
-Type of gun you like to shoot
-Where you went to 4-H camp
-How much land your dad owns
-Your regional Dairee-Whip location
-longest ATV jumps
-Your favorite Wade Bowen songs
-Preferred chaw
-Bears you’ve saw
Brandy will do her best to pair you with a roommate right for you in the residence hall of your request, but please be aware that not everyone can live in Carhartt Hall, and it often fills before first-year student requests are processed. Please consider Bass Pro Shops Towers I and II, as they are similarly centrally located.

Please note that while many of our students prefer to live on campus, we also have students who commute. Cody Grimes comes in from Navasota every morning; you could ride with him. His truck has an extended cab and sometimes Zane and JB ride with him too. Zane’s in the national guard, you might have met him before. He can be kind of a dick but if you get to know him he’s okay. He used to hang out with Jeremy Matson before the combine accident.

There are so many activities for first-year students to get involved that you will be very busy as an incoming freshman! Ever since that boy from Chicago moved here in the 1980s and taught everyone to dance the campus has been very lively. Noodling and gigging excursions leave nightly from the Richardson Petroleum Engineering parking lot and you can’t forget the Pure Country Sing-a-Long every Friday at midnight. Please, no [hard] alcohol admitted and dip cups MUST be thrown away afterward, remember that this auditorium is used by the boot-sequining club on Saturday mornings.

We look forward to having you this coming fall as an incoming first-year student at Texas A&M University and encourage you to get involved in any and every way you wish. Some popular campus clubs and organizations include:
-Gelding
-Fences
-Electric Slide
-Getting Buck Wild
-Loving America
-Watching Tombstone
-Hats
-Truck loading
-Truck unloading
Whatever your interest, it’s here at Texas A&M!

Again, we’re pleased that you will be joining us in 2015. Go Aggies! And don’t forget to swing by my office when you’re on campus so I can give you your complimentary new-student orientation pack, which includes a new highlighting pen, a Zac Brown Band CD and a Fox Racing decal. See you soon!

Sincerely,
Polly Starr-Dalton
Office of Student Affairs
Texas A&M University


New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions

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Hello, friends. And happy new year! I trust you all had a wonderful Christmas, a blessed Hanukkah, stunning Kwanzaa or splendid Feast of Zoroaster. Things were great here, thanks for asking, and I got the only thing I asked for this Christmas: a twelve-laserdisc copy of every 1988 episode of PBS’ McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour. Man, that was a great season. Do you guys remember that Lloyd Bentsen interview? Simply classic television.

Friends, as it’s New Year’s Day, it’s time to reflect upon the past year, put it behind us, and start gazing ahead to a bright and wonderful 2015. I know I sure am, and I’m certain that each of you are doing the same. It’s also a time to make New Year’s Resolutions to stick to going forward and make the coming year the best ever. I’ve been sending out some emails this past week to some of my closest friends and I’m pleased to share with you today some resolutions which some of my more famous comrades are making for 2015. I’d like to share them with you today. What else are you going to do, read the mail? Ha, ha! Mail doesn’t come today, dummy. Happy new year, everyone.

———-

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John Calipari
“I’d like to bring home a ninth National Championship for the University of Kentucky in 2015.”

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Willie Cauley-Stein
“To play my best and not only get a championship ring, but score a high spot in the NBA draft.”

Unknown-1

 Kobe Bryant
“To work on my confidence and take more shots.”

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Jim Harbaugh
“I’m going to keep asking for whatever I want for however long I can get away with this. Yesterday I asked someone to peel forty strawberries for me and HE DID IT. I didn’t even eat them. How long can this last? I mean, seriously, what do you think? Maybe until September? I better get all I can out of it. Dude, this is awesome.”

Unknown-2

Kennedy Meeks
To get an A’s in all my favorite classes this semester: British Baseball History, Mexican Symphonies, Furniture Recognition and Farmville.”

Unknown-3

Steve Spurrier
“I’m pushing myself to the limit in 2015. This year I’m going to punch TWO wolves.”

Unknown-4

Adam Silver
“To restore a functional order and respect to the National Basketball Association. Also, to protect my precious from the fires of Mordor at all costs.”

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Eddie Lacey
“I hope to continue in 2014 what I began in 2015: making fantasy football owners regret me.”

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Jameis Winston
“I didn’t want to forget my resolution so I wrote it on my hand. See? It says ‘CHECK POCKETS FOR CRAB LEGS.’”

Unknown-5

The College Football Selection Committee
“To continue to make everyone think that it took a group of hand-picked, sequestered, hyper-intelligent human beings to pick the four teams eligible for the championship playoff.”

Unknown-6

Donald Sterling
“Get new phones.”

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Rafael Nadal
“I’d like to win another French tennis thing, if I did that this past year.”

Unknown-7

Tom Brady
“I’d like the year 2015 to be pretty much exactly like the years 2001 through 2014.”


Yes, Virginia, There Is a Louisville

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Louisville

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Dear Readers,
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Kentucky Sports Radio:

Dear Editor-

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that Louisville doesn’t exist. Papa says “If you see it on KSR, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Louisville?

Virginia O’Connell, Paducah

—–

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the trying times of a competitive age. They refuse to believe what they cannot acknowledge. They do not believe what they see outside of the Yum! Center and Papa John’s Stadium. Their little minds traverse in the abstract, believing that the simple refusal to believe something exists ceases it to exist. This great universe of ours swirls about upon a simple faith in the delicate balance between the human imagination and absolute truth – and it’s important to grasp that one cannot not exist without the other.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Louisville. It exists as certainly as twerking and tweaking and manscaping and Hennesy exist, and you know that these things collaborate to create an indomitable force of reality. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Louisville! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no Two-for-One Limp Bizkit Throwback Rock Block Couch Dances, with no free t-shirts or soft-sided coolers available if you get such a spirited dance in the next five minutes. There should be no one to buy Horny Goat Weed in a capsulized form at a Marathon station from a disaffected man behind a plexiglass window, nor a measured exchange of currency for the detailing of one’s own motorcoach with a committed “$$ CARDNAL FAN 4 LIFE $$” in the exquisite Olde English font of eras long gone. Indeed, the very basis of the tribal tattoo industry would be rocked to its very core.

Not believe in Louisville! Why, you might as well believe that The Boondock Saints is not the most boss movie ever made. You may as well begin to liberally apply sunscreen to your forehead upon the exiting of your very own home each morning as if wide brim hats had never been conceived or invented! What a world that would be! I’m quite certain none of us would want to live in a world where our weed were not concealed within the soft purple velour of a Crown Royal pouch hanging from the rear view window, nor would we ever wish to exist in a universe with cumbersome sleeves or pants not designed of a flowing, luxurious mesh. After all, have you ever seen Big Sean showing out, or Juicy J hitting it from da back? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not showing out nor hitting it from da back. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseeable in the world.

Indeed, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing more real than Louisville! After all, isn’t Louisville present when a tricked-out Honda Civic runs over a parking meter? Isn’t Louisville there when a man tells a woman who is not his bae that her booty fine? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a man pulls his shirt off at a fireworks display? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a platter of Jaegerbombs arrives at the table? Or an an offbrand MMA event sells out? Or a fedora is worn? You would not want to live in a world without Louisville!

No Louisville! Thank God it lives and lives forever! A thousand years from now, Virginia — nay, ten times ten thousand years from now — it will continue to bring us joy, for we cannot live without it, and it will forever continue to grunt loudly at our gyms, smoke in the public restrooms of our sporting venues and take the mufflers off its cars.

Yes, yes, Virginia. There is a Louisville.


Photobombing: UCLA

Photobombing: UCLA

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Welcome to UCLA! Get ready to experience your education at a top-rated school The Hollywood Reporter recently referred to as “boffo” and Variety once named “the perfect educational vehicle for Emmy Award-winner Tom Skerritt!” It’s time for you to take learning to the next level at the very institution noted film critic Leonard Maltin once called “not laid out great” while teaching an adjunct class!

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Hey, guys! Get off the grass! Just kidding. The grass is created by computer generated imagery, or “CGI.” In fact, UCLA is the only university in the nation to be projected entirely onto a green screen, so enjoy the fabulous sites and sounds all around you but don’t wear green or people will be able to see through you.

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UCLA is all about the “LA Lifestyle,” which means when you’re not studying hard for a final at Williams Andrew Clark Memorial Library you’re free to explore underneath the many piers of Los Angeles’ beautiful beaches with your post-Britpop space-rock/slowcore fusion band as you shoot possible album liner photos with your Instagram “Lo-Fi” filter!

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Just another day on campus? Wrong! In just a few seconds a director will call action and Will Smith’s Galborian Intergalactic Escape Pod will come screaming and crashing down onto the sidewalk as a take in Renny Harlin’s latest sci-fi actioner Solar Justice comes to life before the running cameras. Look for it in July 2016!

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Call us! We’ll do lunch! Learn how to network throughout the industry when you enroll in UCLA’s award-winning Entertainment Connections Program and you’ll soon be discussing the latest numbers on that student film while you do cocaine off a samurai sword and text your mistress in Toluca Lake. As Cannonball Run II star Telly Savalas would say, “Who loves ya, baby?” We do! UCLA does!

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Get valuable work experience in the television industry with one of UCLA’s prime internships, available by applying at the UCLA Office of Work studies. Here we see a young intern already tasked with the important job of conducting a poll for Entertainment Tonight! And — spoiler alert — only 55% of you love Reese Witherspoon’s new haircut!

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Surprise! Dr. Judy Wong of UCLA’s Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital is hiding all over campus, waiting to jump out and scare you! But between you and us, we think she’s doing a lot more “delighting” than “frightening” people these days!

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Don’t worry! We don’t know what it is either! And we won’t tell anyone you don’t! Trust us, there’s stuff like this all over campus! That’s what makes UCLA so eclectic — just nod and pretend and your next girlfriend could be a yoga teacher who pretends to enjoy the films of Gael Garcia Bernal!

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The dining halls at UCLA are second to none. At any given hour you can meet up with your “amigos” and “fuel up” with some “‘za” as you make plans to head out to studio city and attend a taping of the hit CBS show Mom, starring Allison Janney and Anna Faris. While you’re in the dining hall, keep an eye open and maybe you’ll see Fast Steven. If you do, tell him hello — if you can catch him!

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No Katie, the second-to-third act shift has to come when Paul Blart realizes that his overzealousness just cost him his job! Only then can he come to terms with the fact that by foiling the big bank robbery can he gain everyone’s trust back! Workshopping your spec scripts are even easier (and more fun) when you’re doing it with fellow Bruins!

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Community garden, right?…don’t worry, we won’t tell! We’re cool!

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Many of UCLA’s award-winning professors are ex-industry professionals themselves. For instance, you’re sure to learn a lot from Nine to Five and Slap Maxwell star Dabney Coleman, who runs UCLA’s molecular biology department.

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From the day you step foot on UCLA’s campus you’ll be primed and prepared for a valuable career beyond our prestigious classrooms. Enjoy it, have fun, study hard and we can’t wait to see you as “Latino Gangbanger #4″ on an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles someday. At UCLA, you’re on your way!


Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

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“…He was Roy Williams. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him. No wind blew that was bitterer than he. No one stopped him in the street with gladsome looks to say “Ho, there, Coach Williams! Are you full of vigor for William & Mary? No administrators asked him of his student’s classloads. No professors, nor their lofty and scholarly courses, dared to exist around him.”

“…As Roy lay there, his covers pulled to his chin, the din of clanging chains grew nearer and nearer until he saw his guest’s visage. ‘That powder-blue sportcoat! That gigantic nose! Those patented four-corners stalling maneuvers! I know you!’ He cowered in fear. ‘Why, pickle my eggs! Dean Smith!’”

“’Before the night is through,” Dean Smith said, his finger pointing at the clock, ‘ you will be visited by three spectres; these visitors will teach you to shun the path of academic scandal you tread. Remember what has passed between us, Roy! And change your ways before it is too late!’ With that Smith was gone, like a fart in a cyclone.
‘I’ll be ding-danged!’ trembled Roy Williams. ‘Three ghosts!’”

“At the stroke of one, just as Dean Smith had predicted, a spirit drew back Roy Williams’ bed-curtains. ‘I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, the wispy and pale figure spoke. ‘Your past, Roy Williams.’
‘Great! I haven’t seen Greg Ostertag in a few years,’ said Roy. ‘It will be great to see that guy.’
‘Your moral past,’ interrupted the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah, okay,’ responded Roy. ‘Maybe we could go to that Rodney Crowell concert I seen in 1989. That was a good one. Shew!’
‘No…it’s..never mind,’ said the ghost.’”

“…The Ghost of Christmas Present’s eyes were crisp and clear and kind.
‘Take hold of my robe!’ he commanded. Roy Williams did as he was told.
Soon the two were soaring over the snow-covered, silent city, clad in mistletoe and holly, children snuggled safely asleep and families awakening the coming Christmas morn. Soon the town would awaken to the revelry of the holiday’s dawning.
‘Are you eating beef jerky?’ asked the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah,’ said Roy Williams, licking a finger.
‘Give me that. Where did you even get beef jerky? Are you even paying attention to any of this? What is wrong with you?’”

“The Ghost of Christmas Past transported Roy Williams into a modest but by no means extravagant four bedroom home in a newer subdivision outside Chapel Hill.
‘Do you know this house?’ asked the Ghost. ‘It’s the house of one of your assistants. An underpaid, put-upon employee whose fingers you work to the bone. You treat him poorly, yet he protects damning evidence of corruption in the program for you at all costs! What will you do when you…hey, what are you doing? Get out of there, that’s not yours.’
‘Dang this guy gets a lot of magazines,’ said Roy, going through a stack of mail on the kitchen counter. ‘I’m gonna take this Sport Fishing. I ain’t read it yet.’”

“As the Spirit of Things to Come stood towering over Roy Williams, the ghost neither spoke nor moved, save an outstretched hand and spindly finger pointing at the Wikipedia entry on the laptop sitting on the table before him. The entry on the screen bore the following damning words:

 …in 2019 one of the greatest academic scandal of basketball history would be Williams’
ultimate downfall, leading him to an NCAA-wide coaching ban for the remainder of his years.

Roy Williams looked back at the terrifying, shrouded spirit.
“This thing got YouTube?’ asked Roy. ‘Lemme show you this thing where a monkey pees in his own mouth. It’s hi-larious. You gotta see it. You like YouTube? Hold on lemme get back to my email, there’s a link there.’”

“…The sun rose the next morning, Roy Williams sat up in his bed and saw the rays of sunshine peeking through his blinds. The spirits had come, and gone, each, and now it was a new day. As Roy Williams climbed out of bed and got ready to go into work, he smiled to himself in the mirror. He couldn’t remember much of what the ghosts said and he didn’t care. After all, if he’d learned anything from the past seven years at UNC it was that simply not knowing anything was the key to never having to worry about it. ‘God bless us,’ he said to the winner in the mirror. “Everyone.’”


The First Thanksgiving

The First Thanksgiving

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(Ed. Note: It’s very easy, at this hectic time of year, to get caught up in our own lives and forget the things which really matter. So if I may share a family tradition of my own today, I’d like to suggest you take the time at your family’s table this holiday, share the following story of The First Thanksgiving and make it a family tradition in your own home. -Cheers, CMT)

In the year 1621, a group of 101 passengers fleeing the religious persecution of the Church England boarded a ship called the Mayflower and set sail to find their own new land in which to settle and reside. The wooden ship sailed, scholars believe, for sixty-six days before landing on the coast of a new and “undiscovered” country, which the Englishmen and women — who called themselves “pilgrims” — would decide to call home.

As the seasons passed and the air grew colder and brisker signaling autumn was on the way, these pilgrims began to secure the supplies they would need to survive to harsh winter to come. They worked hard to grow corn on the vast land and pull fish from the ocean; they chopped wood they would need for fires and cured meat to be used when food sources would soon become scarce.

One crisp autumn day the pilgrims were delighting themselves in their chores when a group of visitors arrived at their settlement. These visitors were the Kentucky Wildcats, led by head coach John Calipari and his coaching staff, and they could see the pilgrims were unprepared for what was to come. “Let us help you,” said John Calipari, and the pilgrims were grateful for the assistance.

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The Kentucky Wildcats then took the pilgrims to an open field near the settlement and began to throw a rounded gourd back and forth to one another. “Come, try to take this from us,” Alex Poythress said, and a pilgrim man ran to him and tried to take his gourd from him. But Alex Poythress was too fast, and quickly threw the gourd to Aaron Harrison, who tossed the gourd into a hole in a tree, even though there was a very tall pilgrim right in front of him.

The settlers did their best to contain the Kentucky Wildcats but a dual-platoon system with extra substitutes proved too much for them to handle. The pilgrims tried hard but, being new to this country, had no recourse for a solid NBA-style pick-and-roll and strong shooting from the perimeter. Height was also a major problem, as evidenced by the following journal entry by a settler named Edward Fuller:
     These giants both surprised us and frightened us with their swift movements. 
     My beloved wife Mary was thrilled although fearful when Karl-Anthony Towns swatted a

     butternut squash directly into my face, causing me and
     my family sadness and great humility.
The pilgrims would lose The First Thanksgiving 87-19, held to only 7 points in the second half, and ultimately feel grateful that the competition would strengthen them in the days to come. The initial shock on the faces of the children would turn to delight as everyone watching in attendance scored a free taco and the dance team displayed exquisite movements to the day’s hottest rap hits.

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“We must repay you for what you have shown and taught us here today,” the pilgrims told John Calipari. “Someday we will initiate a three-tiered system of competition with scholarships, though not too many scholarships, which will culminate in a tournament rewarding the strongest with an opportunity to be the greatest in all the land.” And John Calipari thought that sounded like a great idea, and then the Kentucky Wildcats were like “Also, here’s some food for you guys” and gave them some corn and roasted meat and sweet fruits for the children. Then a group of energetic young people with jump ropes arrived to put on a show of entertainment as everyone ate their food and Dorothy Bradford, wife of William Bradford of Cambridgeshire, got to be the “Y.” A good time was had by all and Seth Davis said he didn’t know if any Thanksgiving would be better than the First Thanksgiving that year, to which Clark Kellogg was all “you’re right about that” and he doesn’t even like the Kentucky Wildcats.

Afterward, John Calipari would tell everyone that the pilgrims deserved credit for getting out there and playing hard and that he was really impressed with their level of play, even though he probably was just saying it to be nice. The post-First-Thanksgiving epistle-writing show had very high ratings and the pilgrims would go to sleep that night with their hats unbuckled and their bellies full of kindness and food. As the abbreviated, choked howls of the Kentucky Wildcats dunking on wolves peppered the crisp night wind outside, the safe pilgrims vowed to recall this day every autumn and appreciate the blessings bestowed upon them. And that’s what we, today, call Thanksgiving.

 


What is Platooning? And Other Military-Themed Approaches We Should Prepare for This Season

What is Platooning? And Other Military-Themed Approaches We Should Prepare for This Season

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Hello, friends. You look well today — but I’m sorry, I’m out of candy. Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you were still trick or treating. I first thought you were wearing a rubber Jimmy Carter mask that sat next to a candle for too long; I did not realize that was actually your face. How unfortunate for you, except on Halloween. Still, bet it was a good Halloween, eh? Lots of candy!

Friends, there has been a lot of talk these days about Calipari, the Cats, and “platooning.” The term, which of course has roots in military maneuvering, denotes a tactic wherein Cal has two distinct “waves” of teams which can come on and leave the court en masse, thus resting five players at once (with extra players available to sub in and out if need be). While UK has, many times in the past, had a rough platooning schematic due to a depth of solid players at multiple positions, this would seem to be the strongest true instance we’ve seen of it in recent years.

With platooning poised to work mightily for the Wildcats during the 2014-15 season, rumor around those who’ve witnessed practices is that platooning isn’t the only miltary-themed tactic we might see this season. While talking with an unnamed source this past week I garnered some insight into other secret plays coming to Rupp in the near future, and at the risk of angering my source I feel it’s my duty to share those with you today in a piece we’ll call Military Terms Adapted to University of Kentucky Wildcat Basketball. As always, you’re welcome. And I’ll see you next week.

—–

Platooning
Originally seen as a strategic move for baseball teams of the early-to-mid 1900’s, the approach is becoming increasingly popular for current-day basketball coaches with — aside from Cal — head coaches Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski experimenting with the platoon system.

Weak Side Attacking
Identifying the weaker links in a team’s defense and continuously exploiting those weaknesses by pushing to the goal in the most vulnerable spots. Example: Alex Poythress driving against an uneven defensive matchup in order to score more easily.

Flanking
By surrounding and containing an opposing team’s defense in the paint and surrounding them in three to four points on the perimeter increases UK’s options on finding a hole and shooting. Example: Aaron and Andrew Harrison exchanging quick passes back and forth, perhaps even with another forward, until a weak spot for one to shoot opens up.

Ambush
Lulling the opposing team into a false sense of confidence and then surprising them at the opportune moment. Example: Dakari Johnson hides behind the goal, leading the opposition to believe the Wildcats are currently playing only four players without a center, until suddenly Johnson leaps from behind it screaming and startles everyone as Trey Lyles simultaneously alley-oops the ball for his dunk.

Disinformation Propaganda
Intentionally false or inaccurate information that is spread intentionally, manipulating the opposition at a rational level by supporting false conclusions. Example: Marcus Lee, during game play, turns to Dominique Hawkins and loudly asks him “Is the game over now?” to which Hawkins replies “Yes, it’s time to go to the locker room.” The opposition, overhearing this misleading information, walks off the court and allows the offense to continue to score unimpeded.

Night Combat
Reducing visibility of a defense in order to capitalize on attacking in familiar territory under the cover of darkness. Example: During the second half of the North Carolina game, the power in Rupp goes out as Willie Cauley-Stein and Derek Willis — using ancient meditation and sense-memory techniques to visualize the court and its dimensions — maneuver quietly through the blackout and secretly score during the confusion on-court before the lights return.

Amphibious Warfare
Using water-based maneuvers to attack opponents onto hostile territory. Example: During a time out, Rob Bromley stealthily and “accidentally” spills several water bottles onto the court, creating a hazardous surface by which to lure the opposing offense, stealing the ball as they slide comically around or an offensive player hilariously looks like he is running but is going no where because he’s running on water and everyone is laughing at him, embarrassing him.

Airborne Operations
Attacking strategic targets by air. Example: As precious final seconds tick off the clock during a tied game, Karl Towns appears with arms spread and flies over the court, dropping Tyler Ulis through the basket with the ball. Crowd goes wild. Game over.


Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

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Excuse me, young man. I’m a hobo clown and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the locomotive station. As you can see, I have all my belongings wrapped in a handkerchief on this stick, and I have tattered gloves, and I just want to hit the open road to HAHAHAHA GOT YOU! It’s just me, your old pal Tomlin! Not a hobo clown. I love Halloween.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the season of the witch is upon us, Halloween, with its creepy ghosts and goblins and terror lurking around every corner. As I know you love Halloween as much as I do, I thought I might drop in today with my annual collection of frightening Halloween stories for you to share at your own get-togethers this weekend. Try not to get too scared by them; they are fairly horrifying. Buckle in and prepare to be scared. And have a happy Halloween, everyone.

——-

The Scary Houseguest

A young couple returned home from a Halloween party one night and retired to the bedroom to go to sleep. An hour later, a knock came at the door. “Humvahamamuh!” a voice mumbled through the door, “huvnanamaaahhh!” The husband bravely opened the door to see a horrifying spectre from his past. “Hammvanamavahamma!” the spectre moaned.
“Who is it?” asked his wife, frightened.
“It’s just Billy Gillispie,” said the husband. “He probably wants a ride home or something.”
“Weird,” said the wife. “I thought he went back to Texas.”
“I did too, to be honest,” replied the husband. “But he’s out here on the porch.”
“That’s crazy,” said the wife.
“Yeah, I know,” answered the husband.

———

The Phantom Reporter

Vanderbilt Football Head Coach Derek Mason sat in his office one afternoon, going through scouting reports, when a reporter knocked at his door and walked into his office. The reporter looked very pale; he had deep-set, dark eyes, and he pierced Derek Mason with an intense gaze. “Coach Mason,” he said very hauntingly, “are you pleased with how the team has been playing?”
“I think we’re playing very good football but getting some tough breaks,” said Mason.
“Well,” said the creepy reporter. “I think the team looks very good.”
Later, when Mason was meeting with his staff, he asked “Hey, do any of you guys know of a creepy reporter who looks really pale and has a really spooky stare? He came by my office and told me the team looked very good.”
The room became very quiet as the staff looked around at each other in shock.
“Coach, that wasn’t just any reporter,” said assistant coach Charles Bankins. “That was Keith Handley, the reporter who dresses up to make himself look like a ghost reporter.”
“Oh, okay,” said Mason. “That makes sense now. But why do you all look so scared?”
“Because,” replied Bankins. “Vanderbilt football hasn’t been very good since at least 1982!

———

A Vision from the Past

Mississippi State Basketball Head Coach Rick Ray came out of the locker room to practice and blew his whistle. “Okay, let’s get started!” he shouted.
The team looked at him in disbelief. “C-Coach, your head!” said Tevin Moore, handing him a mirror.
As he peered into the mirror, he shrieked at the horrific visage in the reflection. “Oh, dear God no,” he cried.
“What is it?” asked Moore.
Ray clutched his head, breaking the mirror dropping to his knees, his wails filling Humphrey Coliseum. “It’s the ghost of Rick Stansbury’s hair!”

———

The Ghost Coaches

Bruce Pearl walked through Auburn Arena with the University President, discussing his role as Auburn’s new head coach.
“We think you’ll do great here,” said the President, ” and we’re happy to have you. But I have to warn you, sometimes people say Auburn Arena is haunted by the ghosts of old coaches.”
“Really?” Asked Pearl.
“Yes,” said the President. “A janitor once said he saw old Sonny Smith, pacing the sidelines as if he was still coaching a phantom team.”
Wow,” said Pearl.
“And once,” continued the President, “an administrative assistant said she swears Shug Jordan was standing at the end of one of the halls, looking at old trophies in the case.”
“Amazing,” said Pearl.
“One time,” said the President, “a player said he saw Bill Lynn standing in that doorway over there, watching him play.”
“That’s unbelievable,” said Pearl. “Hey, isn’t that Tony Barbee sitting over there in the rafters right now?”
“Yes,” said the President, “but that’s not a ghost. That’s really Tony Barbee, he still lives here in the basement and sleeps on a cot.”

———
A Mystery on the Farm

One autumn, a month before Halloween, a farmer began noticing over the course of several weeks that his chickens and pigs were disappearing from their pens. At first he suspected foxes or coyotes were the culprit, but traps wouldn’t stop the disappearances. In the fresh mud near the chicken and pigpens, each morning, he noticed giant footsteps in the ground.
Each night the same thing happened; chickens would disappear, giant footsteps would appear in the mud.
“Maybe it’s Bigfoot,” the farmer’s wife said.
“There’s no such thing as Bigfoot,” scoffed the farmer.
As Halloween approached the disappearances continued, along with the footprints, so the farmer decided one evening to sit up in a chair and find out what was happening. The night grew late, and the farmer fell asleep in his chair only to wake to a noise in the grass.
“Who is it? Who’s out there?” shouted the farmer into the darkness. His pulse pounded and he was paralyzed with fear to come face to face with whatever waited in the shadows.
“Oh, hey, it’s just me,” said freshman Kentucky center Karl Towns, stepping into the light. “Sometimes I like to take night walks. I hope that’s okay that I cut through your farm. Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you that there’s a hole in your fence and I think your chickens and pigs are escaping.”


Photobombing: Mississippi State University

Photobombing: Mississippi State University

 

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Welcome to Mississippi State University! We are happier than pigs in slop that you have chosen to continue your edgy-cation with us at MSU and can’t wait for you to learn all the great things about the University. You will have already received your mandatory cowbell and Duck Dynasty™ Season 6 DVD and you’re ready to embark on a mission of learning!

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With a beautiful, picturesque Southern campus and down-home hospitality, the friends you make at MSU will be among the best you’ll ever meet, whether gathering together to study, chat or just relax and enjoy each other’s company. If you need to use the bathroom at any time, Keith, just use a bottle. It’s okay.

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Whether you’re commuting or living on campus, Mississippi State will inevitably become “home” in no time, which means that — just like the home you grew up in — you can murder any trespasser who steps foot on your land. They will be buried in an unmarked graveyard back behind the Poultry Science Building. Sssshhh! Remember: you are within your rights!

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Lunch is available from 10:30 am to 1:45 pm weekdays, 11:00 am to 1:00 pm on Saturday and Sunday. Meal choices in Mississippi State’s dining halls include barbecue, lemonade tea and barbecue. And lemonade tea.

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Here we see the MSU Budgetary Committee putting the finishing touches on the 2015 residence halls budget in one of  MSU’s state-of-the-art meeting boardrooms. You won’t find any “bull” in MSU’s hardworking administration (though you may find an actual bull, which you should be sensitive not to provoke).

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Mississippi State Student Government loves to work hard…and play hard! Everyone mugs for the camera except the blonde in the top right, who was under the impression that joining Student Government would be a great way to impact the campus and not just watch a bunch of hilarious cut-ups quote lines from Glee. Sorry, Katie!

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The Department of Public Safety at Mississippi State is always on alert and protecting you and the campus from harm. Except during break time, which is time for the officers to — Hey, we told you not to come in here! It’s not what it looks like, okay? It’s…it’s…listen you better not say anything about this you hear me? This is what makes us feel alive and no one understands.

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At Mississippi State we love Bully, our bulldog mascot. Here we see Bully alongside his costumed counterpart and — uh oh! Hands where we can see them, you two!

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Students from Mississippi State’s Fashion Design & Merchandising Department gather together to celebrate another year of great collaboration. As you can see, there are varying degrees of skill level at work in the Mississippi State Fashion Design & Merchandising Deparment. But we’re a family, and that’s what counts. Seriously, many of us are literally family, which makes the Fashion Design & Merchandising Department Christmas Dance a target for the media each year.

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Get in on the “act” when you study musical theater at Mississippi State University in our illustrious Drama Department! Deliver your lines and “steal the show” when you take the stage among your peers. Please be on the lookout for Phillip, though; he is not affiliated with Mississippi State University or its Drama Department — he simply loves musical theater. If you see him please alert your professors as Phillip is currently under a legal restraining order.

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College is a great time for “partying,” but please be responsible. That rabbit is not real, Clem, and perhaps you shouldn’t be driving. No one else can see it but you. You probably need to lie down.

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Whatever interests you pursue at Mississippi State, you can do it while ridiculously ringing a cowbell at all times. Trust us, everybody really loves it a lot, so by all means please keep doing it all the time.

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I SAID HANDS WHERE WE COULD SEE THEM, YOU TWO. Somebody get me a hose.