(click to enlarge) It’s been a rough few weeks in the Big Blue Nation, so →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
Hello, friends. You look great. But somewhat different. No, I can’t put my finger on it…wait, wait. I got it. You’re wearing a suit made out of human skin, aren’t you? Looks good on you. Not everyone could pull that off.
Friends, I don’t need to remind you that tonight our beloved Cayts take on the Razorbacks of Arkansas in a rematch after the Hogs defeated us in overtime on their home court in January. Now they’re stepping onto our turf, and we’re prepared. Since we have a bone to pick, I thought this might be a good opportunity for an Instant Hate Day post of Arkansas using material from their very own website. Don’t worry, you’ll hate it. Without further ado, let’s get started, I’ll see you here next week and have a fantastic weekend, everyone. Go Cats.
Welcome to the beautiful University of Arkansas, located in picturesque Fayetteville, Arkansas — home of two Olive Gardens, a reliable city bus transit system and a newly-renovated Hampton Inn with an indoor pool open until eleven o’clock on weekends. Your adventure as a Razorback will begin here on the University of Arkansas’ lovely, vibrant campus and remain within a solid tenth of a mile radius of the campus. Feel free to roam and make yourself at home!
Pants a little tighter? Don’t worry! As a first-year student, it’s fairly natural to put on some weight during your inaugural semesters at college. This is often called “the freshman fifteen,” and it’s very common. Should you begin to gain noticeable weight, your appointed U of A first-year body image coach will educate you on the changes to your physique and offer tips on managing yourself so you don’t look like a gross, nasty beast.
Did someone say “safety?” It’s always the word of the day for the University of Arkansas Police Department. Should you need them, there are specialized call boxes located throughout campus in case someone steals your cowboy hat or rifle or you simply can’t find your Jason Aldean CD. They’re there to help! No need to thank them; just give them a chaw and they’ll be on their way. Stay safe, Razorbacks!
How does your facial hair look? Your facial hair advisor is available during weekly office hours to help coach you through the growth and maintenance of your new look. Beards, goatees, sideburns — their expertise can help with any variation. Look at this young man; he’s a regular Ronnie Dunn! Lookin’ good, buddy!
Forward-thinking ingenuity is always in order in the classrooms of the University of Arkansas — and great ideas can come to life. Here we see an industrious team and its innovative technology after receiving a $75,000 Arthur Vining Davis Grant, $67,000 of which was spent on handlebars.
Please, no hotplates in the dorms.
Scientific pursuits are constantly furthered at the University of Arkansas, with state-of-the-art laboratories and equipment, accomplished staff and university support at every turn. Whatever your dream, you can follow it in the University of Arkansas Science Departments and perhaps one day make a terrifying disease a thing of the past. Unfortunately, the student above realizes there is no known cure for T.H.O. yet — but keep working on it!
Ever pretended that you were flying on a broom in a fictional castle full of wizards? You’re not alone. The Arkansas Quidditch Team has competed against others around the country. It doesn’t matter that you’re twenty years old; your only limits are your imagination and your inability to talk to women — and your imagination will never end, Hocksney Boomblepratt (that’s your new Quidditch name!).
Visceral demonstrations make the texts of classic literature come alive! Here, it’s like this class is actually living a scene from Moby Dick!
I know what you’re thinking: You mean I can join the Collegiate Meats Quiz Team and score a free trip to see the famous Fargo, North Dakota hobo statue at the reciprocal meats conference? YES! YOU CAN!
Enjoy every day at the University of Arkansas, new Razorbacks! Cherish each morning and each new opportunity. And remember, if your grades slip we may transfer you to the University of Arkansas-Little Rock campus, where you may be killed by a terrifying demon. Go Arkansas! Woo Pig Soo-ey!
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. Have you been enjoying the Olympics? What’s that, a homemade luge? That’s really cool, I like hey wait I don’t think you should use it on this icy street it’s not – ah, well, you are probably going to die now.
Friends, if you’ve been reading the news reports on your computer or computer-phone you no doubt realize that the single biggest news story in the NCAA this week is that Oklahoma University purged itself of its sins by self-reporting secondary NCAA violations dating back to 2012 which reportedly (according to OU itself) included an assistant football coach accidentally “pocket-dialing” a recruit, a hand-drawn picture scrawled onto an envelope to a football verbal commit and three student athletes receiving exactly $3.83 worth of excess pasta at a graduation banquet. But it didn’t stop there. The list of violations on which OU tattled on itself (described by The Oklahoman newspaper here and some below) included a great many other infractions OU needed to get off its chest, and the perpetually finger-tenting NCAA was more than happy to hear it.
May 10, 2013: Three student-athletes attending a graduation banquet received pasta in excess of the permissible amount permitted by NCAA regulation.
September 12, 2012: Assistant coach Bruce Kittle pocket-dialed a recruit a day after receiving a permissible text message from the recruit.
October 3, 2013: The football staff mailed an envelope to a recruit, who was already verbally committed, that included a hand-drawn picture with the handwritten addressee information.
January 2, 2013: During a recruiting visit, a basketball recruit consumed a french fry dropped onto the desk of assistant coach Steve Henson while Henson was out of the room. Carefully recounting of the remaining french fries upon his return, Henson requested that the recruit donate the estimated $0.03 for the consumed french fry to the charity of his choice (American Donkey Shelters).
August 3, 2012: Football assistant coach Tim Kish was attempting to solve a complex and challenging “brain teaser” posed to him by Special Teams Coach Jay Boulware which involved randomized a sequence of numbers, which Kish typed into his phone to remember. These resulting numbers happened to be the phone number of recruit Jonathan Alvarez, who over heard a conversation about how “awesome” he was and how Kish and Boulware thought he would be “the coolest guy on the team.”
October 12, 2012: While visiting relatives in Arcadia, Oklahoma assistant basketball coach Chris Crutchfield was talking aloud to himself at a Cold Stone Creamery that “OU would really love to land point guard Jordan Woodard,” unaware that Woodard was at that moment behind the counter creating Crutchfield’s Personalized Ice Cream Experience™.
July 9, 2012: During a family vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Basketball assistant coach Lew Hill consigned an air-brushed T-shirt bearing the imagined likeness of high school basketball recruit Darrell Paulson dunking a basketball in a University of Oklahoma uniform. The owner of the T-shirt shop, impressed with the realism of the artist’s rendition, asked Hill if he could take a photo of it an display it on the wall. Two months later Paulson, on vacation with friends to Myrtle Beach, saw the photo on the wall while visiting the same T-shirt shop.
March 30, 2013: While taking a private plane lesson to log flying hours at a training facility in Bakersfield, California, a series of potentially dangerous emergencies in the air inadvertently led to Men’s Soccer assistant coach Graeme Abel spelling out the words “PLEASE COME TO OU JOSH GALLOWAY” in the sky over the home of Bakersfield High School soccer recruit Josh Galloway.
September 25, 2013: During a recruiting visit, Women’s Soccer recruit Allison Toller ate at the Norman, Oklahoma restaurant Asian Wok Buffet at a price within the permissible amount of money spent on a recruiting visit. Her fortune cookie’s fortune read “You will attend OU on a partial scholarship.” Our compliance office is still looking into it.
Hello, friends. Happy early Valentine’s Day. Here, I made you this valentine. It took me a really long time, but I wanted it to be perfect. It’s a portrait made out of pasta of you, inside a heart, with Rod Strickland. I knew you’d love it.
Friends, if you’re like me you’ve no doubt been enjoying these 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. There’s nothing like the human interest angle on a bunch of faceless people clad head-to-toe in suits wearing helmets and gigantic goggles to really get people connected, am I right? Last week, we previewed Part I of the Winter Olympics, and so it’s only right that this week we finish up the pool with Part II of KSR’s Official Guide to the Winter Olympics. Shall we? We shall. Have a great weekend.
What it is: Bobsledding is like riding a really great roller coaster, only if you accidentally don’t lean slightly enough to one side at the exact second you’re supposed to everyone falls out and has to go to the hospital. Other than that, super-fun!
What you need to know about it: Whenever Bobsledding is mentioned it sets off a chain reaction of Cool Runnings jokes and references. This is because Cool Runnings is the entire world’s only cultural touchpoint about Olympic Bobsleigh. Literally no human being knows anything else about it at all.
What it is: Biathlon is a winter sport which combines cross-country skiing and rifle-shooting. Over the years it has been pared down from the less-popular Triathlon, which combined cross-country skiing, rifle-shooting and a real estate agent licensing exam.
What you need to know about it: The training regimen for biathlon is almost exactly the same as the training regimen for chasing a skier out into the country and then murdering him.
What it is: Ice hockey is soccer for cold people.
What you need to know about it: If you don’t think that Canada or Russia is going to win the gold in Olympic Ice Hockey, you clearly haven’t looked at an NHL roster, ever. There are more z’s, c’s, out-of-place y’s and accent marks and dashes than a copy of Anna Karenina in a Montreal library.
What it is: Skeleton is like Luge, only instead of riding a small sled feet-first, the competitor rides a small sled face-first down a very fast, steep track.
What you need to know about it: Skeleton is, essentially, luge for those with fewer people who care about them.
What it is: Figure skating consists of pair skating, men’s and women’s singles skating and ice dance. It is the only sport your mother cares about, and at one time everyone in the country knew the name of every famous figure skater. This was before there were more television channels or the internet or anything else in the world to look at or care about.
What you need to know about it: Figure skating has come under fire in the last several years due to the inhumane conditions of sequin mining in South America. Vancouver bronze medalists Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin of Germany were stripped of their medals after “blood sequins” were found to be used in their costumes.
What it is: Ski jumping is an Olympic sport in which competitors ski down a steep take-off ramp and jump into the air. Points are awarded by judges for length of jump, height, and not-dying.
What you need to know about it: Among skilled ski jumpers, popular techniques include Sweden’s V-Technique, Norway’s Kongsberger Technique and Germany’s Daescher and Windisch Techniques. The most common technique among unskilled ski jumpers includes “screaming.”
What it is: Cross-Country skiing is an event for both men and women which involves propelling one’s self across terrain using only skis and poles. Longer competitions can stretch up to 50km (31 miles).
What you need to know about it: There’s a reason it’s not on television, and that reason is that no one wants to watch someone ski for two hours. Trust me, you’re not missing anything.
Hello, friends. How are you? You look well. Look out there, don’t slip. Oh! Are you okay? Here, let me help you. Oh, that looks bad. We need to get you to an emergency room. Hold on. Stay with me. Stay with me. What’s your name? What day is it? Stay with me.
Friends, if you know me you know that once every two years I get really, really excited about the opening of a new Winter or Summer Olympic season. To me, there’s nothing about learning new events, rooting for new athletes and the thrill of becoming a spectator for an entirely different set of sports than we here in Kentucky are used to. It is fun, no? With the next two weeks in full swing for the 2014 Winter Olympics in beautiful serviceable Sochi, Russia, there’s no time like the present to get started with part one of our traditional two-week series KSR’s Official Guide to the Winter Olympics. What do you think? Let’s go, then.
What it is: Alpine skiing is the traditional, back and forth downhill skiing style through slaloms and fixed poles, called “gates,” in a timed trial down a mountain to the bottom finish line.
What you need to know about it: We almost didn’t have this event. Before the invention of ski lifts in 1937, it’s widely believed that the sport of alpine skiing came dangerously close to extinction; namely, whenever anyone reached the bottom of a mountain and had to climb all the way back up to the top in snow skis, because that was a huge pain in the butt.
What it is: A luge, which is actually the name of the sled in the Olympic Luge event, derives its name from the French word for “sled.” Alternately, the phrase “two-man luge” originally derives its name from the French phrase for “best friends forever.”
What you need to know about it: At speeds reaching up to 87 miles per hour, luge is the fastest and considered most dangerous of all the Olympic sliding sports. When done correctly, an experienced luger can win the Olympic gold. When done incorrectly, an inexperienced luger can end up a Jackson Pollack painting.
What it is: You wouldn’t understand, okay? It’s my thing, Dad. My thing. And I’m good at it. Everyone says so. And I don’t care if you don’t believe me. I’m not going to stop just because you think I’m wasting my life. Maybe I don’t want to be a quality control manager at the factory like you. I’m not you, okay? I didn’t ask to be born.
What you need to know about it: In case you’re wondering what it’s like to be a professional snowboarder, it should be noted that according to television commercials, drinking Mountain Dew’s Kickstart Energy drink will make you feel exactly like a professional snowboarder.
What it is: Curling is a sport in which teams of four take turns hurtling a weighty granite stone toward a target. The “curler”slides the stone expertly toward the opposite end of the ice as two “sweepers” brush away the ice in front of the stone and redirect it toward its target. The fourth person on each team sits in a folding chair drinking Labatt Blue and spilling poutine gravy all over his denim button-down shirt.
What you need to know about it: It takes a long time to get really good at curling. A lot of time away from your house, and your family and your home responsibilities — but someday maybe you’ll get to go to the Olympics, so there has to be constant dedication. And that’s what you can tell your wife when she wonders why you drove over the fire hydrant in front of the house drunk at 4 in the morning again.
Short Track Speed Skating
What it is: Short track speed skating is like a track and field event, only the competitors are hurtling at furious speeds around a short hockey-rink-sized track, knocking each other into walls, spinning out and sporting deadly blades strapped to their shoes.
What you need to know about it: Short Track Speed Skating is the roller derby of Olympic Events; the only difference is that as a speed skater you have to train every day with a strict regimen of weights and nutrition while in roller derby you only need to be a 350-pound woman who owns a pink wig and knows how to roller skate.
What it is: Freestyle skiing consists of aerials and moguls, both events which reward the skier for acrobatics or “style points” during competition. Freestyle skiing also once included “ski ballet,” but does so no longer in Olympic competition.
What you need to know about it: Telling people you perform ski ballet is a great way to have no one ever ask you to pick them up from the airport, co-sign an apartment for them or ask you to watch their pets while they’re on vacation.
What it is: The Nordic Combined consists of a 10-km cross-country race and a ski jump. There’s a large hill and a normal hill and two large hill jumps for each member and a relay and both individual and team events and…you know what? Just don’t worry about Nordic Combined.
What you need to know about it: If you understand Nordic Combined, congratulations on this year’s Olympics, I hope you win the gold because you are a competitor in this event.
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. Here, I brought you some rock salt. For your margaritas. Or your driveway. It’s your gift, use it however you want; I don’t care.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that Tuesday night was a rough one for the Big Blue Nation. Not only is LSU a team we shouldn’t lose to, we lost in a pretty ugly fashion. As frustrated as we all were, however, it would seem that Cal was even more frustrated. Though his post-game press comments were of the standard “we just didn’t hustle enough” variety, as Tyler pointed out last night his coaches’ show was a lot harsher on the boys, calling it “the worst game we played all year” and calling out the players for not working or listening hard enough. Don’t believe me? Check out some of the actual comments he made on Wednesday night about the game and see for yourself:
On overall performance:
“…we got punched in the head and didn’t fight back, we didn’t pass the ball…we probably had three guys play their worst games of the y ear.”
On guard play:
“Our guard play was horrendous. Horrendous. We’re not creating shots for anyone on the team.”
On the fouling situation in the last seconds:
“When it got down to twelve seconds I was like ‘foul, grab him!’ and they just didn’t…we were just playing, and they were trying to win a world championship.”
On no one helping Dakari Johnson up after his tumble out-of-bounds:
“They’re not worried about Dakari on the floor. They’re worried about their own performance. That’s what nineteen year-old kids do.”
On Alex Poythress:
“I told him to stop that if he keeps Snap-Chatting on the court during regulation play I will take him out of the game. But that’s what nineteen year-old kids do. They Snap-Chat.”
On Julius Randle:
“Julius told me before the game that he was only going to do one thing and that was a dunk, but it was going to be a good one. To be fair, it was impressive. But you gotta do more than one thing out there. And also, why would you say that to a coach? That seems like a weird thing to say to your coach, doesn’t it? It’s weird.”
On Willie Cauley-Stein’s blindfold:
“I know he’s all about changing up his style lately, you know, with the hair and the bowties and everything, but I told him before the Arkansas game that I thought the blindfold was a terrible idea and he just won’t listen. He can’t see anything out there, he can’t shoot, he can’t play defense. It just doesn’t make sense.”
On Andrew Harrison leaving to go to Wendy’s during the game:
“It was like ‘where are you going?’ and he was like ‘We’re going to that Wendy’s we saw next door’ and I was like ‘There’s a game going on.’ But that’s what nineteen year-old kids do when they’re hungry.”
On not helping James Young:
“Look, this needs to be a team-first approach. When [James] was holding on to that bunch of balloons and started floating up into the air, these guys needed to help him out. I mean, he could float away, and then where would we be? Instead, they didn’t pay attention and James got dangerously close to the lights. We are all extremely lucky that we got him back down to the court without serious injury. I don’t know why those balloons were out there on the court anyway.”
On Dominique Hawkins:
“I know he only played four minutes but I thought that was a pretty bad time to decide to get a new driver’s license. But I guess that’s what nineteen year-old kids do, because their license is almost up and it’s time to get it renewed. Look, I don’t make the rules but I think he could have waited a little while.”
On winning a World Championship:
“At least we’re playing like we’re going to win that, whatever it is. I probably need to fill out some paperwork if we’re going to enter it. I don’t even know where that’s held. I guess I’ll look into it.”
Hello, friends. You look well today. I like your hat. That’s a nice scarf, too. Your nose looks different, is that..wait, is that a carrot? Oh you tricked me! That’s a SNOWMAN. Good one.
Friends, will these Cats pull it together in time to win a championship? Enough of this lackluster-first-half-tomfoolery, am I right? The Wildcats, as you well know, will host the Georgia Bulldogs on Saturday in Rupp — but what might surprise you is that the Bulldogs are actually playing much better basketball right now than the normally non-contender Georgia Bulldogs basketball teams of the past. They even beat Arkansas at Fayetteville, something our own boys couldn’t do. So that’s something. What else do we know about Georgia? Let’s find out today in a KSR Quiz we’ll call How Much Do You Know About Georgia where we’ll look at the state, the campus and the basketball program. Get your pencils out, remember to fill in the bubble completely, and when you’re finished just put your head down on your desk. Sound good? Let’s go.
1. Check all that apply:
a.) I live in Georgia.
b.) I do not live in Georgia.
c.) I have driven through Georgia.
d.) I have an aunt named Georgia.
e.) I am a sassy male hairdresser with a recurring role on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
f.) I am currently protecting fellow Georgians from zombies inside an abandoned prison.
g.) I had a particularly unsettling time while whitewater rafting in Georgia in 1972 with my friend Burt Reynolds.
2. Georgia’s chief exports include:
a.) Transportation equipment.
b.) Computer and electronic parts.
d.) “Truck Balls.”
e.) Exaggerated Confidence.
f.) All of the above.
4. The mascot of the University of Georgia is:
a.) A bulldog.
b.) A bloody deer head.
c.) The cartoon character Calvin urinating onto the logo of another university.
d.) A warm, half-consumed can of Keystone Light.
3.) The Fightin’ Rebecca Latimer Feltons.
5. The head coach of Georgia’s men’s basketball team is:
a.) Mark Fox.
b.) Michael J. Fox.
c.) Erwin Rommel, the “Desert Fox.”
6. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope is:
a.) A current player for the Georgia Bulldogs.
b.) An NBA basketball player who played for the Georgia Bulldogs last year.
c.) A character in Dr. Seuss’ 1964 book Too Many Hats!
d.) Rick Pitino’s safe word.
7. The Georgia Bulldogs play basketball in:
a.) Stegeman Coliseum.
b.) Weinstein Arena.
c.) The Chang Center.
d.) Jerry Reed Memorial Gymnasium.
8. Which is of the following is the actual and most accurate name of a current Georgia basketball player?
d.) Kenny Paul Geno.
UGA’s mascot “Hairy Dawg,” is:
a.) One of Forbes Magazine’s “Top Ten Sports Mascots.”
b.) A self-appointed “Stadium Defender” during football games.
c.) An auxiliary mascot to “Uga,” a live bulldog.
d.) Peeking through your windows when your girlfriend gets undressed.
e.) All of the above.
10. Whenever Georgia wins a big game:
a.) Their fans rush the court.
b.) Athens’ Walgreens mysteriously run out of Robitussin DM.
c.) Ray Stevens plays a free concert at the UGA student center.
d.) It’s Truck Balls time.
11. The biggest threat to worry about with Georgia is:
a.) The recent emergence of forward Marcus Thornton as a leader.
b.) Mark Fox’s comfort with a previously-unstable starting lineup.
c.) An increased sense of morale and camaraderie within the Bulldog team.
d.) Hairy Dawg peeking at your naked, unwitting girlfriend.
Go Cats. See you next week, gang.
Hello, Friends. You look well. You really should put a shirt on, you’re going to get really cold in this weather. Yes, we all love your tattoo. I’m not sure it’s spelled “Too-pock,” though. You might want to look into that. Yeah, I don’t think there’s a dash in that.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that Tuesday night wasn’t fun. It was an exciting game, sure, but whenever an “L” is handed over to our Cats it isn’t much of a good time. The one thing most forefront in Tuesday night’s game, however, had to be the fouling situation. Sixty fouls in one game prompt even the casual viewer to wonder what’s going on with the NCAA and their new fouling rules for 2013-14. Don’t pretend like you understand them all, because no one does, and that one person you know who claims to is lying. Lucky for you, then, that you have your old friend Tomlin here to look up the new rules concerning NCAA fouls – and we’ll do it today in a little game we call Foul or No Foul. It’s easy. I’ll present a situation, you tell me if it’s an NCAA-sanctioned foul or not. Shall we? Oh indeed we shall.
Q. While defending, a player sticking close to his man places his arm out to keep contact with his opponent’s forearm and upper arm, non-aggressively, to keep his opponent in check and at bay.
A. Foul. According to the NCAA rules, a personal foul should be called whenever “a player keeps a hand or forearm on an opponent” during play.
Q. A defender quickly jumps into the path of an offensive player as the offensive player starts his movement with the ball to either jump or pass the ball to a nearby teammate.
A. Foul. According to the NCAA’s newly revised block/charge call ruling, the defensive player “is not permitted to move into the path of an offensive player once he has started his upward motion with the ball to attempt a field goal or pass.”
Q. A player swinging his elbows above his shoulders makes contact with his opponent.
A. Possible Foul, But Not Always. The newly-amended NCAA rules concerning elbows allows court officials to use the monitor to review elbow fouls to determine if the offending elbow contact was unintentional, garnering no foul, or a variation of flagrant foul on the offensive player.
Q. An offensive player, after being taken to an extravagant restaurant by the defending player with the defending player paying the entirety of the restaurant bill, makes a gesture of thanks by patting him on the back.
A. Foul. According to NCAA rules, “the use of an arm bar to impede the progress of an opponent” is prohibited and a personal foul should be consistently called.
Q. A defending player during game play approaches an offensive player and mimics placing his hand behind the offensive player’s ear, using sleight of hand to give the impression that the defender has just removed a quarter from behind the offensive player’s ear, both surprising and delighting the offensive player.
A. Foul. The receiving or accepting of moneys or gifts garnered in correlation to NCAA athletic play is strictly prohibited by the NCAA and should consistently be called a foul with possible committee investigation.
Q. A defending player is found to have a stray eyelash resting upon his cheek, whereupon the offensive player tells him to hold still and “make a wish” as the offensive player delicately blows the eyelash away from his cheek.
A. Foul. According to NCAA rules the encouragement of dreams and ambitions is prohibited by the NCAA in all ways, including wishing upon stars, blowing out birthday candles and depositing coins into fountains or wells (said coins are as well may be suspect to committee investigation and review concerning athletes and monetary gain).
Q. A defending player shoves an offensive player out of bounds during game play.
A. No Foul. Acceptable pending the opinion of the officials.
Q. An offensive player is dying. A defensive player who has special otherworldly powers unknown to him until only the past few months, and who has struggled to control these powers and come to terms with them, touches the offensive player with his hand and heals his body, making him well again to the crowd’s amazement.
A. Foul. No hands or forearms on the opponent.
From: Sloane, Tracy
Subject: Effective Immediately
Date: January 9, 2014
To: PR Team
As you are aware by now, former Louisville Football coach Bobby Petrino will be returning to the University of Louisville as head coach. I don’t need to tell those of you who’ve worked under Petrino’s last stint that he can be a bit of a “handful” from a public relations standpoint. With a checkered career past, both rumored and confirmed, it’s always best to be proactive from our posts. As our colleagues at Arkansas can tell you, it’s very difficult to predict the types of “unique” situations a coach like Coach Petrino will bring to the table, and we are going to need to be prepared for anything that may come down the pike. Better safe than sorry, and we don’t want to get caught unprepared by anything which may happen. Therefore, Gary, Susan and I spent a lot of time last night brainstorming – for our own safekeeping, should we require it – a set of guidelines to deal with these press rumors and possible situations. Please always consult this set of guidelines FIRST when dealing with an anticipated situation or rumor, and if it’s not covered here we can decide then how to proceed. Thanks.
Situation: Press is Negative about Coach Petrino’s New Hiring
Appropriate PR Response: “Regardless of what you may have perceived in the past, the University of Louisville is very excited for the return of Coach Petrino and we are thrilled to meet Louisville Football’s next chapter of tradition and success with him at the helm.”
Situation: Coach Petrino Rumored to be Considering Leaving the Program Again
Appropriate PR Response: “Be assured that Coach Petrino is very happy with the state of Louisville Football and his role as head coach and he has expressed to us that he intends to remain here for a very long time.”
Situation: Coach May be Secretly Interviewing with Other Football Programs
Appropriate PR Response: “Coach Petrino is very happy with the state of Louisville Football and there is no confirmed truth to any rumor that he is interviewing elsewhere at this juncture. He is excited about moving forward with his program.”
Situation: Coach is Rumored to have Been Unfaithful to His Spouse
Appropriate PR Response: “Coach Petrino and his wife have a wonderful relationship, despite past ups and downs, and their marriage is stronger than ever.”
Situation: Several Suspect Text Messages to an Alleged Mistress are Published in Media
Appropriate PR Response: “The texts attributed to Coach Petrino are not his, as Coach Petrino’s cell phone was stolen on the weekend of [DATE].”
Situation: Coach Petrino Hires Two Hooters Waitresses to Staff
Appropriate PR Response: “Marissa and Crystal are both diligent, hard-working and qualified candidates to head up the University of Louisville’s Running Backs coaching staff, and we wish former Assistant Coach Kenny Carter the best in his future endeavors.”
Situation: Several Racy Emails Directed to Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor are Published in Media
Appropriate PR Response: “While Coach Petrino has nothing but the utmost respect for Justice Sotomayor and her notable rulings in the fields of civil and property rights, the two are simply longtime friends. That’s all.”
Situation: Coach Petrino and Coach Pitino are Discovered to have been Contestants on the 2001 Reality Program Love Cruise
Appropriate PR Response: “Coaches Pitino and Petrino regret their decisions to have appeared on the program, as both were going through rocky times in their lives and marriages. It should also be noted that Coach Pitino donated his winning prize money to charity and never said he ‘loved’ Dakota; the latter was manufactured in editing.”
Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Motorcycle
Appropriate PR Response: “We will keep you updated on Coach’s health and this situation as events develop.”
Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Hot Air Balloon
Appropriate PR Response: “While it is true that Coach Petrino had not completed all of the ballooning hours required to pilot a hot air balloon solo, the situation is being ruled a manufacturer’s error and not the fault of the operator.”
Situation: Coach Petrino Crashes a Garbage Truck
Appropriate PR Response: “We are looking into how Coach Petrino may have acquired a garbage truck and will keep you updated on the conditions of Coach Petrino and Justice Sotomayor.”
Situation: Louisville Wins a BCS Championship
Appropriate PR Response: “We are all very proud of Coach Petrino and especially the hard work of Crystal and Marissa, without whom this championship wouldn’t be possible. ”
Editor’s note: The number of pictures in this post is causing the site to slow down, so we are moving it off the main page. Apologies!
Hello, friends. Hey, look! Mistletoe. Get over here, you.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I’m also quite sure I don’t need to tell you that this weekend is a big, big weekend for the Bluegrass in the almighty matchup between the Wildcats and Cardinals. Bragging rights depend on it. I wanted to learn more about this villain who lives among us, so I spent all of my Christmas Day ignoring my family and looking at the Louisville web site. I think I’ve come to a greater understanding of our foes, and I wanted to share this new knowledge — via Louisville University’s Official Photos – with you today. maybe we can all learn to live together. Enjoy, and I’ll see you next week.
Welcome to the University of Louisville! I hope you brought your oar, because it’s going to be a great four years. Get to know this famous gesture, new Cardinals — it’s the classic “Louisville L,” and it’s a campus tradition not only because you can hold it up to signify your fandom, but you can also stick it in your pocket if you need to pretend to have a gun while holding up a gas station or liquor store. “L” yeah!
Just look at this camaraderie. These students are taking a break from their studies to nestle themselves into a hole in a rock fence with Louisville native and My Morning Jacket lead singer Jim James. Maybe he’ll sing “I’m Amazed” for them! You never know what the day will bring at U of L!
Who likes popcorn? There’s plenty of it at this year’s New Students Orientation get-together. Then afterward you can grab a cup of ice cold ginger-ale punch, if you can get Tracy to move her damn dirty feet off the table. Good times are had by all!
No one knows what young people love like the Louisville Student Activities Department. Rap dancing, text-mailing, the Nintendos — there’s always something fun being planned by these resident experts. If you need them, you can find them huddled together in the stairwell of the Student Activities Center.
These students are fitfully trying to make sense of this not-Hollister catalogue. Teamwork, guys! Good luck!
I know what you’re thinking! How nice of these fine students to help one another move into the dorms on Orientation Weekend! Unfortunately, this is a photo of two students stealing a refrigerator from the commons-area kitchen of Miller Hall. Crime can be prevented if we all just keep our eyes open and report anything suspicious, okay?
Hooray! Pool party, everybody! The spacious, glistening pool at this off-campus, Louisville-affiliated student housing is great for celebrations, vomiting, late night trysts or contracting meningitis. (The chances of your contracting meningitis are statistically very slim.)
Move-in day! I don’t know if you’ve seen this year’s sophomore class yet, Freshmen, but you’re probably going to need to clean a little before you move in. There are a lot of Olde English 800 stains and weed burns in those rooms. Also, we only recommend installing a blacklight in your new dorm room at your own risk. Seriously.
It’s a soap-suds party! We told you the Student Activities Department knows what they’re doing! Dance into the wee hours to Molly Cyrus, Two Chain or The Pit Bulls — and you’ll probably never even know these suds are being generated from a highly concentrated amount of lice shampoo. Killing two birds with one stone is what Louisville ingenuity’s all about!
The holidays on campus are always a blast! From Valentine’s Day dances to St. Patrick’s Day parties, the students of Louisville always know how to make any holiday one to remember. And memories abound, indeed — here we see the late, beloved Professor Gant at this year’s Halloween party just before the unfortunate miscommunication which took his life. We’ll never forget you, Professor Gant!
Should you, in fact, contract meningitis, no worries — U of L has you covered with a variety of treatments and health services at your disposal. Feel free to contact health services for the appropriate antibiotics you’ll need to squelch the disease. Go Cards! And L Yeah!
Hello, friends. I didn’t see you come in. As you can see, I’m wrapping some presents. This year, as usual, it’s handcut porkchops from Boone’s Butcher Shop for everyone. The key is to deliver the gifts before their natural juices soak through the wrapping paper. It’s tricky, but you go that extra mile for those you love at the holidays.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that next week is Christmas. You’re probably well aware by now, considering everything’s decked out for the festive holiday. It’s also, as I’m sure you’re also well aware, a time to send Christmas cards – and these Christmas cards are often a good chance to update your friends and extended family about how your year has gone thus far. I myself have receive stacks on stacks on stacks of cards this holiday season, from some very well-known people, and thought you might find it interesting to see what others’ Christmas letters impart this season. I’ve included some excerpts below and hope you’ll enjoy. I also hope you’ll all have the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of holidays, and I’ll see you back here just before the new year.
Hello there, friends. I hope you’re all well. Look, I can tell it’s the holiday season because you have all that snow in your hair! Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you hadn’t been outside. I’ll sit over here, okay?
Friends, I know I don’t have to tell you that this weekend our Cats take on the villainous North Carolina Tarheels in Chapel Hill. It’s a rivalry as old as the hills around here: two storied college basketball programs and two revered modern basketball coaches. Of course I’m talking about Cal and Roy Williams, the latter a thorn in our side once at Kansas and for the last ten years in North Carolina. Oddly enough, I’ve recently been reading Roy’s 2009 book Hard Work: A Life On and Off the Court and I’ve learned that Roy’s aw-shucks, rural-gentleman demeanor – one reason no doubt the fine folks of North Carolina and, previously, Kansas, love him so much – lends itself to a great many words of wisdom. So today I thought I’d share some of the actual quotes from Williams’ book and we could all get to know him a little better. Sound fun? Let’s do it then, shall we? And have a great weekend, gang.
“At the end of each season, I hear some of my critics in the media say ‘Oh Boy, Roy’s going to cry again’…I’m probably too emotional. I went through a stretch at Kansas where I actually tried to talk myself into not crying, but it just wasn’t me. I just can’t help it.”
“I try to pick my battles about when to argue with an official. After all of my years as a referee in intramurals, I know how hard the job is, so I’ll only protest when I’m sure I’m right.”
“When it comes to mentoring my players, I look at myself like a teammate. I am playing as hard as I can every day to get them to believe in what I believe in: that there’s a right way to conduct yourself, there’s a right way to answer people, there’s a right way to dress when you go to a restaurant or get on a plane, and there’s a right way to play basketball.”
“We like to describe ourselves as a ‘family,’ and Wanda and I like to treat it that way. When recruits come on their visits, Wanda will fix breakfast at our house…if we’re not playing in the final of our conference tournament, Wanda makes brownies and banana pudding and the players come over to watch the NCAA selection show.”
“One time Ed Hightower called me after a game in my hotel room. ‘Hey Roy,’ he said to me on the phone, ‘you know, I think you were right about all those calls you were arguing about. I’m real sorry about that. I should have listened to you more out there.’ Sometimes it takes a while but if you have faith in people, they usually come around.”
“I remember one Christmas morning when Harrison, McAdoo and PJ woke Wanda and I up at the crack of dawn. They just couldn’t wait to see what Santa had brought them. Dexter, Reggie and John had a snowball fight and then we all made cookies and sang carols by the fire. It’s times like that with your family you never forget.”
“One day after a really tough practice, I called Drew [Gooden] over to talk to me. ‘Listen Drew,’ I told him, looking him right in the eyes, ‘if there’s ever a tornado you make sure you get under one of those metal washtubs and wait for it to pass, alright? I’m serious. Okay?’ He nodded; I knew that he understood what I was saying. There’s a right way to survive a tornado.”
“Sometimes to relax before a big stretch of tough games, I like to take the team to see Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede show over at the Pigeon Forge. It’s a real good show, I get a group discount, and everyone gets one of those souvenir boot cups. They’ve got folks jumping through fire, real-life buffalo and the prettiest ladies you’ve ever seen riding on horses. Every time I try to talk myself out of crying, but I can’t. It’s just not me.”
“One time Tyler Hansbrough sassed me and I told him not to do it again. He did, so I made him go out and pick out a switch, then I put him over my knee and gave him a whoopin’ with that switch. He never sassed me again. That’s just how it is with families sometimes. Sometimes you gotta do that.”
“I believe in a loyalty to the people who believe in you. True friends, people who really love you, are few and far between, and those relationships need to be protected and nurtured at all costs because they’re the ones that really matter. That’s why I go with Nike.”
“Once I was mashing some onions with a hammer – the onions were making my eyes tear up – while I watched this movie, and in the movie the Home Alone kid got stung by a bunch of bees and died and I was crying so hard that I couldn’t see and I hit my thumb with the hammer and cried even harder. I know people were probably like ‘Oh no, Roy’s crying again,’ but that’s just me. Like I said, I can’t help it.”
Alright, everyone. Gather in. Take a seat. We need to talk about Monday night.
Now, as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, Kentucky is really, really good. It’s actually a good thing that we’re playing them, because it will bring in some money for the school and the program. And I’m not going to lie to you – we’re going to get completely demolished out there by them. That’s what we’re there for. But that’s okay. Because our trip to Kentucky has a silver lining.
We are not coming back to Cleveland.
What, you thought I’d just agree to send us off to Rupp Arena, the loudest place in the world, to a bunch of fans who are completely insane about a National Championship-contending team and who want nothing more than to see them make everyone in their path look like chumps? Look, I know we all work hard here, but that would just be silly. There’s been a bigger plan in place this entire time.
Don’t look surprised. You know you guys hate it here too. It’s so cold. It’s awful. It’s only November 21st, and two days ago one of our student managers froze to death in the wind. I was looking at my six year-old’s illustrated map of the United States this morning and the icon next to Cleveland was just a sad face. My wife and I had to celebrate our anniversary last week at a Joe’s Crab Shack. So we’re all going to Kentucky on Monday and we’re staying there.
Administration doesn’t have a clue but I have everything planned out. It’s all going to be perfect. I have a guy working on new drivers’ licenses and birth certificates for all of you, along with cover stories for your new lives in Kentucky. Trey, your new name is Richard Turlington. You’re twenty-seven years old with two kids and a managerial job at Garden Ridge. Marlin, you’re a floral assistant in Corbin. I myself will become Toyoku Utada, the assistant director of Tourism for the city of Carrollton. It’s not going to be easy for any of us – in my case, I don’t even know anything about what Carrollton has to offer – but I’ve arranged for each of you to get a small sum of money to get started along with a short dossier about your new identity. It’s not much, but maybe it’ll help.
Since we scheduled this game this past summer, I’ve spent every single night in my basement stuffing very tall burlap dummies full of straw and dried beans so the bus driver will think we’re all onboard and headed back to campus after the game. There’s a back exit near our locker room at Rupp Arena and afterward we’re each going to put on our new clothes and quietly slip out the door, one at a time, and into the night. Do not act like anything’s up. If any media asks you any questions you just tell them you tried your hardest but Kentucky’s really good and you’re looking forward to the rest of your season. Then meet me in the locker room where I’ll hand you your wig and glasses, shake your hand, and send you on your way to a new life.
This is a secret which will bond us together for the rest of our days. No one can ever know who we are. If anyone ever asks you about Cleveland, even if you know the answer, you’ll have to pretend that you don’t. And that’s not going to be easy, because there will be many occasions where you will be the only person in the room who knows anything about the Cleveland Cavaliers. But you have to stay quiet. Remember, no one knows anything about the Cleveland Cavaliers. Not “regular people” like you, anyway.
I want to take this time to say it’s been an honor being your coach, but we can never see each other again. The same goes for your families; so make sure you enjoy this last weekend with them. But you’re going to love Kentucky. They only get snow there about nine or ten days in an entire winter. They have trucks which come around – sometimes once a week – to pick up garbage off the street. You can drink water straight out of the faucet. Someday you’ll realize this was all for you. All for you. There’s no way of knowing it now, but it will all be for the best.
Vaya con dios, my friends. We will greet each other with our true names next when we meet in heaven. Until then, here’s a copy of The Bluegrass Conspiracy and a True Blue Fan button for each of you. You’re going to fit in just fine. And someday, I know you’ll thank me for this.
Tuesday night was a disheartening loss for the Kentucky Wildcats and their fans. I don’t think any of us can deny that. Though this team has tremendous talent and potential, the reality of their first major league opponent was simply too tough to overcome. Was it unfair to expect too much of a group of young players? Perhaps. Will they learn from these mistakes? Almost certainly.
The good news – and there is good news – is that my own bracketology predictions still show a lot of promise.
Should Kentucky drop to number four on Monday, which some experts are predicting, they’ll still be in theory a number one seed for the NCAA Tournment in 2014 – quite possibly in the South Region, playing in Raleigh, North Carolina. They would likely play sixteen-seeded Belmont University, which the Wildcats would win at an estimated score of 89-68. The next round would see the Wildcats facing a Weber State squad which has defeated bubble team La Salle and has by March exceeded many expectations as a Cinderella fan favorite.
Elsewhere, number three seed Louisville – having suffered losses at the hands of UConn and Central Florida – will face a hobbled North Carolina in Buffalo. The Tarheels will be sputtering after P.J. Hairston suffers two broken legs as the result of a late January snowboarding accident and the Cards will take them down early, but an Elite Eight surprise loss to Oregon will remove Louisville from the picture. With the Wildcats’ freshman clicked into place and firing on all cylinders, Kentucky meets a number two seed Arizona in the finals and takes home its ninth National Championship. A humbled Louisville’s embarrassing Oregon loss, however, changes the mind of sought-after recruit Parnell Gold, who opts instead to take his talents to Texas Southern University.
The ensuing victory will bring another stellar fleet of recruits into the Kentucky pipeline but the new crew won’t get its footing quite so easily. In 2017 Kentucky will make a strong run at another banner but will ultimately lose to eleven-seed Texas Southern — led by junior forward Parnell Gold — to give the Tigers their first ever National Championship. Bill Self will be fired after an embarrassing second round Kansas exit; he’ll quickly be snatched up by Wisconsin after Bo Ryan retires and Wisconsin within four years will be a consistent top-ten team.
A rivalry between UK and Wisconsin by aging coaches John Calipari and Bill Self will brew for several years, and by the time UK defeats Wisconsin in the Netherlands Classic of 2023 the feud will be among basketball’s greatest. The Netherlands Classic win will put UK in prime position to play as a number one seed in the Midwest Region, probably in New Milwaukee. A record fifth straight banner for Texas Southern will cement the Tigers as royalty and their dynasty will continue, garnering three more banners in the next five years.
In 2029, when national folk hero Parnell Gold leads the state of Texas to its independence through a long and bloody battle at the border of Oklahoma, Texas Southern is required by the NCAA — as it is no longer a recognized state of the Union — to vacate its nine National Championships. These vacated championships are then retroactively awarded to the runners-up of the respective NCAA Tournaments, which instantly adds two more championships to Kentucky’s legacy. It also garners the University of Florida two more banners, which boosts the school’s recruiting over the next two years and leads to a stronger team than Florida has seen in some time.
The 2032 National Championship game, almost canceled by a several-feet deep snowstorm at UNLV’s Thomas Mack Center on the eve of the game, is won by Billy Donovan Jr.’s newly-bolstered Florida Gators. As a result of the NCAA’s controversial new-technology “Time-Bye” provision, which allows a national champion the opportunity to travel back in time to replay one game in its history as long as the players of that team agree not to do anything which may affect any the outcome of anything else, the Gators choose their 2000 National Championship loss to Tom Izzo’s Michigan State team and this time defeat the Spartans, undermining what would become Tom Izzo’s legacy and costing Michigan State the recruits it would have otherwise employed to propel them to the NCAA Tournament for the next thirteen years. With UK’s space-time chronology still intact, Tuesday night’s game then becomes a lesser matchup of talent for Kentucky and the Wildcats win 97-78, adding back the game they need to have a perfect record on the season and making the foresightful merchants who copyrighted “40-0” into millionaires who donate a large percentage of the promotional money needed to turn UK’s new home base, “40-0 T-Shirt Arena,” into a glistening reality. Also, dogs are now extinct because a Florida player accidentally stepped on a rare flower while back in the year 2000.
See? It’s not that bad. Keep your chins up. Everything’s going to be just fine.
Sorry about dogs.
Hello, friends. Friends? Hello? Where did you go? Oh well, then, I – Wait! Oh, you! I didn’t see you hiding in that pile of leaves! You scoundrels. Yes, you got me. Good job. I was surprised.
Friends, as the Big Blue Basketball Machine of 2013 gets rolling and gains momentum, all eyes are on our Cats as they begin to take down some of their pre-SEC opponents en route to what we hope will be another championship season. This time in every schedule is fun, as well, because we get to play against some foes we’re not as comfortable with or knowledgeable about — like the UNC-Asheville Bulldogs. Of course we all know Asheville, NC as not only the world’s mountain hippie capital (you may recall Drew’s write-up of the town from our Peach Jam trip earlier this year), but it’s also a lovely Smoky Mountain which houses our next opponents. But how much do we really know about the school and its student base? Today, let’s look through UNC-Asheville’s website to see what we can glean about the mighty Bulldogs in a piece we’ll call DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville. Maybe we’ll all learn something. Enjoy, folks, and I’ll see you all again here next week. Have a great weekend.
Welcome to UNC-Asheville! We hope you brought your hiking boots as you’re about to climb two mighty mountains: one formed by North America’s natural topography and one of knowledge. There’s so much to see and do beyond these hallowed halls, and you’ll find yourself enjoying the beauty of both nature and education as you embark on your journey as a student.
Get to know these faces, young students! These are the friendly faces of your UNC-Asheville Student Government Association. They’re a happy, helpful bunch and ready to help you assimilate to your UNC-Asheville experience seamlessly. They also govern wisely and mostly fairly; please note that Chet, in the front row, always has a vote “for sale” if the price is right.
These students are members of UNC-Asheville’s “Virtual Lincoln Project,” which combines Lincoln’s personal history, national significance and recognized wisdom to create a terrifying, all-seeing CGI Lincoln face to voice his disapproval or approval of your individual life choices. Do not anger the Virtual Lincoln or the electric shocks you may cause physical harm and may result in expulsion from the university.
Dorm life at UNC-Asheville! Residence life at UNC-Asheville provides all the amenities of home. Here we see a happy Mills Hall student not only enjoying his state-of-the-art dormitory life but also conducting a valuable lesson in how not to effectively woo members of the opposite sex. Get with the program, Brad!
I said “Get with the program, Brad!” Seriously, dude. C’mon.
Learning is cool at UNC-Asheville! Your kind-of-pretty but smart girlfriend can help you with your studies until she meets a nerdy but nice guy with a bunch of misfit friends, and then you can challenge her new nerdy suitor to a ski race down Widow’s Mountain where you’re certain to win until his ragtag buddies can find smart and inventive ways to help him beat you and humilate you in front of all your other cool, rich friends. But look on the bright side: you’ll definitely pass History class!
Meet new colleagues, make new connections and lay the groundwork for wonderful friendships for years to come at UNC-Asheville! The relationships you build at UNC-Asheville will be among the most rewarding of your life. Also, these two young women have not been seen since October 14, 2012. If you have any information about them please contact the public safety department of UNC-Asheville or the Asheville Police Department directly.
The UNC-Asheville Department of Music is on the forefront of new genres of music, as indicated by the faces studying at UNCA’s innovative Bob Moog Electronic Music Studio. Can’t grow a beard? That’s okay, a toboggan will suffice. No worries at UNC-Asheville! As these students might say, “It’s all good!” Or, alternately, “Arcade Fire rules.”
The UNC-Asheville Homecoming parade is always a great time full of exciting entertainment! Grab a hot dog, secure a place along the parade route and be on the front row as a weirdo in a leotard urinates all over the hood of an automobile. GO BULLDOGS!
Speaking of bulldogs, don’t forget to stop by the Alumni Booth before every game to french kiss UNCA mascot Rocky the Bulldog for luck. Rocky is no longer being treated for histoplasmosis, and we do regret any medical inconveniences suffered by students during the 2012-13 basketball season. If you or one of your friends suffered symptoms, please be aware that a class action lawsuit may yield monetary reimbursements for medical attention required.
When in the mountains, go mountain biking! The members of the UNC-Asheville Mountain Biking Club are always seeking new members, although please be aware that the members of UNCAMBC are currently under investigation following a string of severe beatings in the rural mountains surrounding Asheville. But hey: if you’re not with the UNCAMBC, you’re against them, right?
Whether you majored in hair color design, condescending looks or holding cameras the correct way, graduation day will be a day you’ll long remember as you leave UNC-Asheville and head out into the world. So get those beards, hula hoops and Teva sandals ready for a lifetime of success to come when you receive a valuable UNCA education. We can’t wait to meet you!
Boo! Did I scare you, friends? It’s okay, I know I did. You don’t have to pretend to be brave. It’s Halloween, after all. It’s alright to be scared.
Friends, It’s the spookiest day of the year. A day of ghosts, goblins and various, horrifying beasties of all sorts. It’s also a great day to share all our favorite scary stories. So let’s have a little creepy fun today with some Super-Scary Halloween Stories, shall we? Be sure to read them with the lights on, friends, have a happy Halloween, be careful out there trick or treating and I’ll see you back here again next week.
The Scary Werewolf
It was a normal day at the UK Men’s Basketball offices when suddenly horrible snarling is heard growing closer outside. Everyone grows more nervous as the horrible sounds approach — nearer and nearer. The door bursts open and a beastly werewolf covered in blood bounds through the threshold. Everyone flees in terror as the werewolf stops and looked around. “Hey everybody, it’s just me, John Robic. Sorry, I didn’t get that haircut yet because I’m having some sinus issues. Also, I spilled some french fries at lunch. No need for alarm.”
The Terrifying Future
A young man, curious as to what team the University of Kentucky football team will play one weekend, walks to his refrigerator to look at the schedule. He is terrified to learn that Alabama is that weekend’s game. But as he looks closer, he sees that the following weekend is a game against Alabama also. And the weekend after that. And the weekend after that. In fact, Alabama is the only team on the schedule for the entire season!!!
The Halloween Party
John Calipari hosts a Halloween party at his house and all of his friends come for a fun evening of bobbing for Orange Leaf and s’mores around the fire. But the innocent partygoers soon realize something has gone horribly, gruesomely wrong: Eli Capilouto, Rob Bromley and Frank Martin have all come dressed in the same costume…that costume is Miley Cyrus from the VMA Awards!!!
A Horrific Evening of Absolute Terror
A family of four is settling in on Halloween night when suddenly a thump comes at their front door. Nervously, the father looks out the window. He sees nothing. Thump, thump, thump – again, the mysterious thumping comes at the door. The father gets a flashlight and heads outside. The family cries out in horror as the father runs back into the house, blood gushing from his nose. “Everybody stay inside!” he shouts. “Marcus Lee is DUNKING ON THE HOUSE!”
The Mysterious Figure
A young couple is making out on a park bench when, in the distance, bushes begin to rustle. As the couple looks on, trembling, a shadowed figure comes out of the darkness, shaking and gyrating as if something is terribly wrong. The couple shakes as they try to flee from the impending figure when it emerges in to the light. “It’s so horrible!” the girl says as she sees the figure revealed. “Oh my God!” says the boy. “It’s Sam Malone! And he’s still dancing!!”
The Haunted Championship
One dark spring night a Louisville fan watches as a decrepit, sullen ghoul leads his team to a National Championship. The next day he is talking to his friend, a Kentucky fan, about the finals, remarking that “what Rick Pitino did for the team this year was amazing.” His friend’s eyes widen in horror. “Rick Pitino? Why, Rick Pitino’s been dead since 1998!!”
Hello, friends. You look great. Isn’t a little cold for a tank top? YOLO, I guess. You’re rocking it. What is that, the Ghostbusters logo? Awesome.
Boy, we sure had a fun time on Friday night, didn’t we? Exciting stuff. We are certainly in for a giant year of basketball and, it would appear, fashionable dancing. Gonna be fun! In this first week of NCAA basketball practices, we’re beginning to get our first glimpses into not only our own 2013-14, but those of some of our competitors. In today’s Notes from Practice, let’s take a look at what the pundits are saying about first official week of practice from around the NCAA and region, shall we? We shall. Happy Thursday, everyone.
“…For the first time since his initial preseason at UK in 2009, John Calipari has a lot of bodies. More than that, he has a lot of players…[Julius] Randle flashes a full package of basketball skills in a powerful, 250-pound frame.”
-Mike DeCourcy, The Sporting News
“[Derek] Willis forced Calipari to stop a recent practice session after he wowed the Kentucky Coach and the rest of his teammates when he threw down a dunk on Julius Randle and Dakari Johnson.”
-Keith Taylor, centralkentuckynews.com
“Practice was cut short on Tuesday to allow players to purchase the new DJ Khaled album, though not before Pitino praised the team for keeping focus on their roles and reminding them sternly that PT’s Showclub is off-limits during the season except during special reserved nights for the team and staff. If Pitino can keep twerking at a minimum, the Cardinals could be looking at another strong year.”
-Greg Farmer, Louisville Sport News
UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI
“…Mick Cronin’s intervention during the severe beating of a bystander who “popped off” helped to curb the volatility of Monday afternoon’s Bearcats practice, and Cronin was able to corral his players back to the court for at least forty-five minutes of solid scrimmage time, after which several players were given back their guns.”
-Jeremy Franks, Cincinnati Bearcat Beat
“Head Coach Cuonzo Martin has a powerful weapon in a slimmed-down Jarnell Stokes…the team looked cohesive together. Only two pigs were killed during an end-of-practice scrimmage and the stray dogs wandering onto the floor at Chattern during Wednesday’s extended practice provided creative hurdles for the players to maneuver. Afterward, Martin told reporters that he’s optimistic for the upcoming season and publicly thanked Bill Grigsby for the sorghum.”
-Hal Tandard, Knoxville News Sentinel
“An intense practice was halted Monday evening when a photographer from Sports Fashion magazine stopped by to snap some pictures for an upcoming photo spread. Marshall Plumlee looked dapper in a reversible fur vest from Michael Kors while forward Amile Jefferson turned heads in a Boglioli herringbone sport jacket…the team smelled nicer than ever and head coach Mike Krzyzewski’s personal Nike stylist Brad Tapper agreed that everyone looked very handsome.”
-Peter Jolson, Blue Devil Daily
“A typical Auburn practice signified a return to form, with a loose, largely unsupervised shootaround followed by head coach Tony Barbee punching a concrete wall and asking what he’s “done to deserve this nightmare hell” before collapsing into a fetal position and having his wife come pick him up.”
-Shawn Raleigh, Tiger Notes
“…it would certainly appear to be business as usual for the Tarheels in Chapel Hill again, kicking off Friday night as it does every year – with Roy Williams’ rousing and extended rendition of ‘Hambone’ for a delighted team. Then, as always, practice.”
-Barry Todd, TarheelTalk
From: Gary Rankin, Office of the President
To: John Calipari, Men’s Basketball Coach
Subject: Considerations for BBM
We recently got around to looking at your itemized request for the 2013 “Big Blue Madness” event to be held on October 18 and we have some questions. These questions are not meant to in any way discourage the pageantry and excitement of each year’s event, but rather to understand the necessity for certain requests. We’re sure you understand. Please respond at your earliest convenience.
1. Please make sure your staff is on hand two hours prior to the event should we have any questions or should anything need to be adjusted. We wish to assist you in any way we can to make sure the event goes well for everyone involved.
2. Is the “All Me” song something you have your heart set on? We are not familiar with Drake or “2 Chainz” (sic), but it would seem that the royalties on this tune are very expensive. Is it a popular song right now? If not, perhaps we could use an older or more obscure song with less pricey musical rights. Carol in our office suggested “Do the Loco-Motion.” It’s a very fun song! Also, we could purchase it for one-time use at a very affordable price.
3. While we like the idea of interactivity at events like these, giving every single person in the building a chance to have Dakari Johnson violently stuff their jump shot would take up a tremendous amount of time and seems like it would really slow things down. There could be liability issues as well.
4. We’re very sorry, but a working volcano is just not in this year’s budget. We checked with the Theatre department but they will not have time to construct one.
5. Though we like the idea, we feel that the spotlight that the part of the event where a bright spotlight shines down from the ceiling and God declares the University of Kentucky his choice to win the National Championship may be alienating to some. Please revise.
6. We’re not entirely sure what your office administrators meant by “pumping the scent of victory through the air vents.” What does that mean? We googled it and could not figure this out. Please let us know. Also, how strong is that smell? We would need it unnoticeable by Sunday afternoon’s touring performance of “Elmo’s Imagination Junction.”
7. Julius Randle riding a Siberian white tiger seems a little excessive, and also possibly a little bit dangerous. Will the necessary precautions be taken?
8. We checked into Maya Angelou writing an original piece for this event and she regretfully declined. Perhaps one of our Introduction to Poetry students can pen something sufficient. We will contact the English department.
9. We’re not sure of the significance of a translucent tank full of manta rays. Please clarify.
10. At this point it is much too late to secure the technology to project a hologram of Adolph Rupp into the spare seat next to every audience member. Also, all seats have been filled so there are no spare seats between audience members for these hologram projections.
11. We checked with WLEX meteorologist Bill Meck and there’s no scientific way to ensure an actual lightning strike just as the PA announcer says “Your Kentucky Wildcats,” as this phenomenon is wildly unpredictable. Can we do this with a lighting and sound effect?
12. Is Andrew Harrison shooting a flaming basketball into a live tableau of the building of the Panama Canal something which is integral to this year’s theme? We would like to know more about this.
If any of these cuts or revisions make planning the event more difficult at this point, please let us know as soon as possible, as we still have the phone number of the cloggers and they said they could come if we give them at least three days notice.