This morning, the clip of John Calipari calling into Mike Francesa’s show as “John in →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
Where am I? pic.twitter.com/FMXCxMflwr
— John Calipari (@UKCoachCalipari) August 19, 2014
Hello, Friends. Sup brah? Are you living large? How is it twerking? Ham? How’s my bae? I’m sorry, I can’t talk like this anymore.
Friends, this week marks likely the last week of light coverage before Kentucky sports EXPLODES, beginning with a titanic showdown against UT-Martin to open the UK Football season and slowly, we can assume, segueing into October when — if what we saw over the last week and a half is to be believed — we will all be the happiest people in the college basketball world. It’s going to be wonderful, to be sure. Until then, this week is this week; and luckily for us Cal has put together some fun games to play while we wait for the sports seasons to begin. They’re all very mysterious, but he clearly seems to enjoy them. He’s like the Riddler. If you’re not a follower of Coach’s Twitter feed, we’ve been subjected to several photos with enigmatic questions posed beneath. Today, I’ve collected those photos for you in one place so you and your friends can play the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz. Get the family together and have a great time! And as always, we’ll see you next week for a little UT-Martin fun.
Q: Where am I?
Q: Who is this?
Q: Where is this?
Q: What is this?
Q: Why are we here?
Q: What is that smell?
Q: How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?
Q: What’s eating Gilbert Grape?
Q: Are you going to finish that?
Q: Have you driven a Ford lately?
Q: What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
Q: Who up orlando?
Hello, friends. Look, I got your nose! Ha, ha! No, I didn’t really. No, you still have a nose. Look, this is my thumb. Sorry, it was just a joke. No, I didn’t realize that was a sensitive subject with you. I’ll certainly not do that again, and I apologize.
Friends, if you’re no stranger to this blog then you already realize that the world domination of the 2014-2015 Kentucky Wildcats has found its origin point at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas, where these young ‘Cats are putting on quite the show for audiences across the nation. It’s all very, very exciting — but I don’t need to tell you that. Friends, the next on our list of targets is none other than the Dominican Republic, which led me to doing some research. Today, then, let’s pull some tourism shots for the country and learn about the Dominican Republic, shall we? We shall. See you next week, and go Cats.
Welcome to the Dominican Republic! Our sun-kissed beaches and hot romantic nights will no doubt ensure a lovely visit for you and yours during your stay in our fair country. We are also not Puerto Rico, so if you have arrived here on accident please alert your travel advisor immediately so you can get where you need to go. Buses and boats run hourly.
Go ahead, snap a selfie! After all, you’re in one of the most beautiful island nations in the world! Our official photographers will also be on hand to snap a commemorative photo of your selfie, which will be available in the gift shop for purchase. You don’t want to miss these beautiful memories!
Rent a car and just cruise around! There’s nothing like exploring Dominica for yourself with your best friends. Take pictures of the beach, smile, laugh and enjoy life on “island time!”*
*Please watch the road at all times.
Enjoy one of our leisurely cruises while staying in the Dominican Republic, where you may encounter sea turtles, dolphins or breathtaking coral reefs! All of these people have taken a break from sightseeing and are peeing in the water. Go ahead, it’s okay! No one will get upset with you!
Please stay abreast of all rules and regulations set forth by the government while staying within the borders of the Dominican Republic. Notable offenses include “having worries!” and “not jammin’”! Just kidding. Murder, extortion and assault are actual offenses and punishable by extradition and will be treated with to the utmost extent of the law.
Should you find yourself under arrest in the Dominican Republic (and we hope you won’t!), you will be enslaved in one of Dominica’s floating water prisons, of which there is no escape. Your home country will be notified and they will need to send a rescue team before you drown.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to romance — Dominican style! Many on-location pieces and travel segments for ABC’s The Bachelorette have been filmed over the years, so fancy yourself a “bachelorette” of your own by taking a vacation from your job at accounts receivable, ditch those sweat pants and tell your family you’re going to “get your groove back” in the Dominican Republic! Don’t worry, we will not judge the sadness of your situation! We see it all the time! In fact, it accounts for nearly 1/3 of our economy!
Or perhaps you want to treat your spouse to a week away in paradise…we’ve got you covered! Hang out at the pool bar and have a great time. Arturo, your bartender, will keep you refreshed with delicious rum-based beach drinks. Don’t worry that he hates you and wishes you’d stop talking about Restoration Hardware and Orange is the New Black. He just wants you to have a great time!
Oh my! Looks like this lucky tourist made a new friend in one of the many seals who call Dominica home! You never know what you’ll find here in your exotic island travels!
This is taking things too far. Please, during your time here, know the limits between human and wildlife. Sometimes a seal kiss is just a kiss and should not be interpreted as any kind of invitation for more.
Ocean excursions are some of the most fun you’ll ever have in the water! Explore the Atlantic on one of our many recreational “banana boats” with your family and friends and see the ocean like you’ve never seen it before!
*The likelihood of this occurring is very slim, we assure you.
Head down to the Dominican Republic today for a vacation like you’ve never experienced! We can’t wait to meet, greet and entertain you and know a Dominican getaway will be just what you need. See you soon!
(Official photographs of selfies are available in gift shop.)
Hello, Friends. You’re looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. Proctologist appointment? I thought so. I can always tell with you.
Friends, last week we looked at the first part of our abridged North American Field Guide to SEC Football Fans and had a lot of fun. This week let’s dip back in to mostly finish things off in its companion sequel, shall we? We certainly shall. If you’re traveling to the Bahamas, be careful, have fun, and send me a postcard. Or any souvenir that says “WE BE JAMMIN’” on it. If such a souvenir exists in Jamaica. I don’t know if it does.
Distinguishing Marks: Sunglasses tan-line (male), breast augmentation (female only)
What To Know: While the college-aged Crimson Tide fan has plenty of reason to celebrate each new football season, the elder Alabama fan lives in a constant state of arrested development — desperately trying to recapture his glory years at each tailgate, sportsbar or family cookout. Let them have this. They live in Alabama; they need this.
Tips: Cross them at your own peril, because there’s no way you’ll have the last word. Best just to flip them off as you drive past in your car, then you won’t have to hear them.
Distinguishing Marks: Hooping, hollering, ripping, roaring.
What To Know: Did you know Texas A&M fans are from Texas, and love Texas? You will soon enough, because they won’t stop talking about it for one second. Aggie fans listen to the same country music as everyone else but claim all good country music for themselves as “Texas Country” and it is strictly forbidden for females of the species to wear anything but cowboy boots and short shorts. Many did not know how to dance until a hip high school transfer student took on the stodgy adults of their hometowns.
Tips: It is a waste of time to ask a Texas A&M fan where he or she is from, because it is undoubtedly a town with a population of 7,000 people in Texas and you’ve never heard of it.
Distinguishing Marks: Mini-van, Crocs
What To Know: Auburn is essentially University of Alabama football for nice families. This is because a degree from Auburn means just enough to get a good job, build a decent-sized home in an emerging Birmingham neighborhood and have two to three children: son dressed in a non-player-specific jersey, toddler daughter dressed as a cheerleader. Not harmful.
Tips: To get an Auburn fan to stop talking about the Food Network, simply toss some iTunes gift cards on the ground.
Distinguishing Marks: Blazers, baseball caps, sense of entitlement
What To Know: It is a statistical fact that 75-80% of male Ole Miss students resemble the rich kids from Scent of a Woman. Two out of three Ole Miss fans are on the J. Crew mailing list. Also, a brunette female at Ole Miss is considered to be a hideous mutant.
Tips: The only Ole Miss fans who can talk with you about the strength of Ole Miss’ football program are over seventy years old.
Distinguishing Marks: Blue jeans, work boots, wallet chain
What To Know: The embarrassing cousin to Ole Miss, Bulldogs fans are well meaning and jovial but don’t know when to quit. Tailgates end when someone falls through the table. Everyone’s having fun until Melissa falls down the stairs and cries. They party hard and crash harder.
Tips: A recent study revealed that the average Mississippi State fan actually thinks the word “dog” is spelled “dawg.”
Distinguishing Marks: Getting ‘er done, sleeveless shirts, eyes > teeth
What To Know: The Razorback fan secretly hates football season because it cuts into his noodling time. If you want to listen to music in his truck he has both Creed AND Puddle of Mudd; he has given more shirtless fistbumps than hugs to family and loved ones. Loves being a “crazy man,” and expects you to “know it.”
Tips: Do not put your fingers near an Arkansas fan’s mouth EVER.
Distinguishing Marks: age 26 and under: cargo shorts; 27-40: poorly executed UK ankle tattoo; 50+: decorative sweater/oversized button
What To Know: Don’t be put off by all the basketball gear these fans are wearing, you are actually at a football game. Tailgates, however, provide a great opportunity to talk about basketball. Traditionally, many fans don’t make it inside Commonwealth Stadium in time for kick-off or at all. Currently optimistic, but this has been known to change in the past.
Tips: Beware the Kentucky fan on the rare Keeneland-Football-Big-Blue-Madness-Weekend Trifecta, for he may literally try to drink you.
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I think you have some strawberry jelly around your mouth. No, not there. Not there. There. Yes. Oh, my. That’s a rash. You should have that looked at. Where would you even get a rash like that?
Friends, football season is swiftly approaching — but I don’t need to tell you that. Stoops Fever has captured the Big Blue Nation and this fall sees another opportunity for Kentucky Football to begin rebuilding itself to the perennially successful program it has the potential to be. It’s not going to be easy; I’m not going to lie to you. You know, as well as I do, that SEC football is a gauntlet of impressive assassins, and over the next few years we’re going to have to face them all head-on if we want to claim a spot at the top of the pile. For us, the fans, this also means dealing with the fan bases of these teams. So since it’s late July, nothing much is going on, and I know you guys love off-topic posts, I thought today we’d start off a two-part series updating a piece we began a few years back: our Field Guide to identifying the SEC fans we’ve come to know over the years. Have a great weekend, everyone, and I’ll see you here again next week.
Distinguishing Marks: Visor, Parrothead vanity plate, Croakies tan line, flip-flops
What to know: The Florida fan is mostly bluster on dry land; his true territory is on his boat. That said, the Florida fan — as most Florida natives — can be prone to momentary insanity. Best not to provoke the Florida fan lest he bite your earlobe off or try to run you over with a skid steer. It won’t make sense, of course, don’t question it. That is the nature of the Floridian. Their leathery, damaged skin is thick and coarse. Do not pet them.
Tips: If you are being pursued by a Florida fan, tossing a few can coozies in the opposite direction will almost certainly throw them off your trail.
Distinguishing Marks: Ironic Sperrys, “athletic fit” button-downs, glasses
What to know: Vanderbilt fans are among the “hippest” in the SEC due to their Nashville insulation. They are Tennesseeans but not rural, they are Nashvillians who prefer St. Vincent to Luke Bryan. They are generally fairly quiet, but will attack if they feel their favorite neighborhood organic nacho restaurant is being threatened. They don’t expect much from their football team so they rarely have darker moments following losses. A victory may lead to alcohol poison for the Vanderbilt fan, however, as a few more celebratory Magic Hats to kick things up a notch may ensue.
Tips: You may think a Vanderbilt fan is listening to the words you are speaking but all he hears is acid trance music.
Distinguishing Marks: Tribal tattoo, unwashed cargo shorts, open mouth
What to know: The South Carolina fan goes nowhere without a 20 oz. Diet Coke bottle full of dip spit in one hand and a 32 oz. McDonald’s cup full of vodka and Sprite in the other. Caps tend to be worn backward, shirts tend to be removed at some point, a pervasive sense of partying follows the Gamecock fan wherever he goes. Look for this fan to be shouting from the tailgate of a pickup truck pre-game and lying unconscious in the mud beneath its tire at kickoff.
Tips: The average South Carolina fan knows a guy who drank a fifth of SoCo and partied with Kenny Chesney. DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT THIS.
Distinguishing Marks: Older age, high income bracket, expensive winnebago
What to know: The average traveling LSU fan, as noted above, is 60 years old, a successful doctor close to retiring who has the expendable income to purchase a high-level RV to take him, his doctor friends and his 45 year-old “trophy wife” in a big hat to away games on weekends. They are relatively harmless and keep to themselves for the most part.
Tips: Befriend the traveling LSU tailgating fan, as they spend a lot of money on higher-quality food than what you and your friends are eating.
Distinguishing Marks: Male – Red pants, navy blazer, bow tie, no socks, loafers, father’s credit card; Female – blonde, sundress, bulldog paw cutely painted on cheek.
What to know: The Georgia football fan generally fancies himself a higher breed and caliber than his peers, has a father in real estate development and likes to think of himself as an “southern gentleman.” Pays little attention to the game but has good seats. Once drunk, he gets depressed and cries as his girlfriend makes out with a girl.
Tips: The average Georgia fan loves the book and movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and believes that’s how people from Georgia are supposed to be. It’s not, and it’s ridiculous.
Distinguishing Marks: Camouflage, neon “hunter orange” instead of “Volunteer Orange,” Oakley wraparound sunglasses
What to know: Tennessee fans cannot be reasoned with and hate you, whoever you are, if you are not a Tennessee fan. Still talks about Peyton. Travels to your home field but acts as if he can’t stand to be there. Owns three or more Duck Dynasty-branded items which are not hunting implements or clothing. Tells you to “come on over here then and say it to his face” when you haven’t said anything. Has more than five punch-holes in the drywall of his garage.
Tips: Never touch the Tennessee fan’s truck balls. You could be murdered for that.
From: Ray “Rock” Oliver, Strength Coach
To: Kentucky Men’s Basketball Coaching Staff, Men’s Basketball Team
Re: Changes to Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)
July 24, 2013
Coaching Staff and Players,
As you’re by now probably aware, hot yoga has recently been added to the pre-season regimen. This suggestion recently came to us from former player Randall Cobb, who recommended it as a worthwhile way to strengthen muscle control and elasticity. We’ve done the research and run the numbers and the statistical results seem to be there, so we feel like it is a good addition to the training schedule. This “alternative approach” to strengthening and agility has spurred our staff to look into some other possibilities which we will be adding to the schedule in the near future. These will include:
-Below-Zero Zumba: Combining the muy caliente moves of hip-hop and samba dance with the muscle-tightening physiology of movement in sub-freezing temperatures, this technique will help to replicate the feeling of tensed muscle which continually need loosening. Once the body is trained with a sense memory to continually be in the process of loosening these muscles at all times the body can begin to perform at its most peak level. Parkas will be provided.
-Underwater Jazzercise: A proven fusion of jazz dance and resistance training, each sixty-minute underwater jazzercise session will include intermitten air breaks and waterproof earphones as you both melt away the pounds and create your body into a stronger, leaner machine to the tunes of acclaimed jazzercise musicians The Hugh Price Experience and Quiet Fire.
-Crab soccer: Supporting limber joints and muscles is key to preparing your body for the season ahead, so a round-robin crab soccer tournament will begin on August 7 and continue in a double-elimination fashion in heats until August 29. This is not a place for laughing and horsing around. Horsing around will begin on September 4.
-Horsing around: Tapping into the feral nature of athleticism, we will engage in exercises designed to connect to your spirit horse, a free creature pushing its endurance to the limit as it tames the open fields of your mind. These exercises will both include emulation of and connection to the unbridled horse which lives inside your soul.
-Spinning: Stationary bicycle riding with a weighted flywheel at increasing intervals.
-Spinning: Spinning around in the dark with glowsticks to ambient chill music as you raise your consciousness to the universe and its many unparalleled wonders.
-Respect to Gaia: No strength and agility would be possible at all without blessings from Earth Mother Goddess Gaia, birth giver to the gods of the sea and sky. Awaken your soul with her abundant gifts and drink from the cup of blessings bestowed upon you while you bask in the loving gratitude of the togetherness of earth and her eternal sustainability. Also three sets of squats.
See you in the weight room!
Barnhart: Is everyone here? Let’s get this conference call started.
Johnson (by phone): I’m here.
Perkins (by phone): Here.
Goldman (by phone): I’m here also.
Barnhart: Great. I spoke with you each earlier in the week prior to this meeting about generating some ideas which would help create an improved game day experience for Commonwealth Stadium in 2014, since we’re all very excited about what Coach Stoops is doing and what we can accomplish this year. I hope everyone had some time to think on this and come up with some ideas to discuss. Anyone?
Johnson: Generally, people tune out during the quarter breaks when our student programs and majors are brought onto the field. Perhaps if they performed some sort of bit of entertainment it might help liven the atmosphere.
Perkins: Maybe having the vocal department majors sing a little song.
Johnson: Right. Or the physics department blow something up with their new laser.
Perkins: Like a watermelon.
Goldman: Or like an piñata of a bulldog or a gator or something. It could be filled with confetti.
Johnson: Maybe the international studies kids could talk in a foreign language.
Perkins: French is hilarious.
Johnson: Exactly. Yeah, make things fun. Everyone would be like “what the heck is that guy saying? Those noises are so funny!”
Perkins: I’ve been thinking about music and sound during the game.
Barnhart: Great. Any thoughts?
Perkins: I was thinking that whenever there’s a first down, we could play that clip from Wayne’s World – you know, the one where he goes “schwing!”
Goldman: Oh, I like that. (laughs) Schwing.
Perkins: I know, right? It could become a thing. Or whenever the opponents botch a big play, a really funny clip of a robot going “does not compute, does not compute.”
Johnson: (laughing) Oh yeah. “Does not compute”. It totally fits, like they screwed up or something.
Goldman: Whenever they move the chains we could play that song Crazy B*tch, by Buckcherry. That’s a great song.
Goldman: I’m just saying it’s an awesome song. I love that song. It would be like “they’re moving the chains again.” People would be up and dancing. Taking off their shirts and stuff.
Barnhart: I’m not sure that’s the direction we want to go in.
Goldman: I’m just saying. That song hypes people way up.
Perkins: That’s true. It does.
Johnson: You know how t-shirt cannons are really popular? What if we used that technology for other things?
Perkins: Like other things than t-shirts?
Johnson: Right. Like rally towels. Game programs.
Goldman: Buckcherry CDs.
Johnson: People love free stuff. Really love it.
Barnhart: Couldn’t we just give them those things on their way in?
Johnson: I just read a study that people enjoy receiving things 40% more when they’re shot out of a cannon. Something to consider.
Perkins: I was also looking at potential halftime entertainment acts.
Johnson: Well, there’s always the marching band.
Perkins: Oh, of course…but we could squeeze something else in, you know? Like a monkey riding a dog around. There are people who can do that sort of thing for us for halftime.
Goldman: And maybe the monkey could wave a little “K” flag.
Perkins: Yeah, it would be adorable. And a little UK shirt.
Goldman: The dog couldn’t run too fast or people wouldn’t be able to see the shirt.
Perkins: True, it would have to be a slower dog. Or a bigger monkey.
Goldman: The heavier the monkey, the slower the dog is going to be, so that works itself out.
Johnson: If the monkey’s too big it’s not as cute, though.
Goldman: Right. I’d be happy to google some monkey sizes.
Perkins: The bigger ones are the ones that go crazy, so we have to be careful.
Goldman: We don’t need a monkey accident. That’s the last thing we need.
Barnhart: Should we move the placement of “My Old Kentucky Home?”
Johnson: I don’t know. It’s kind of a shame to make people wait, especially if they’ve come to the game to hear that song. That’s what my neighbor does. Seriously. He loves that song. How about after the third quarter?
Goldman: That’s still a while to wait. What about after the first quarter?
Perkins: That’s student accomplishment time. Unless we play it while the lasers are blowing things up. How about at the very beginning?
Goldman: Then people getting there late couldn’t hear it. Traffic, you know? What about during the first TV time out?
Johnson: Or just maybe we could play it on a loop under gameplay the whole time. Then people could just sing along whenever they wanted.
Perkins: That’s a great idea. Everyone’s happy.
Goldman: But then “Crazy B*tch” for first downs though, right?
Johnson: Oh, right. We can drop down “My Old Kentucky Home” then, for a few seconds.
Perkins: I think this is going to be a great season.
Goldman: It’s going to be a blast; really fun.
Hello, friends. You look well. Did you win the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship earlier today? Oh, I’m sorry. I understand. I didn’t mean to make fun of your weight problem. It was a legitimate question, you know, because of all the hot dogs you are eating.
Friends, Wednesday saw the finalization of the certain-to-be-formidable University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball non-conference schedule for the 2014-15 season. I don’t know about you, but I took a very short glance at it and I have the feeling we are in for a very strange non-conference season. Just based on what I’ve seen so far, I’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of ranking what I feel may be our toughest matchups come November in a piece I’ll call Ranking the Difficulty of UK’s Non-Conference Schedule. Because, really, that’s as good of a title as anything, right? So here we go, friends. And have a great holiday weekend.
Let’s face it: Louisville is going to be solid again in the 2014-15 season. Sure, they lost Russ Smith but they retained Montrezl Harrell and when you team him back alongside Chris Jones, Terry Rozier and Wayne Blackshear all signs point to Louisville looking tough again. But this is Kentucky, and that’s Louisville, and though we know it’s going to be a battle again in late December if the Cats are starting to click by then we should be fine.
Prediction: UK, 90-78 in a late second-half pull-away shooting extravaganza
Facing the Jayhawks in November’s Champions Classic should be the first true test for the 2014-15 Wildcat squad and it should be no cakewalk, given that though Kansas is losing Wiggins and Embiid to the NBA, they are bringing in solid freshmen in Kelly Oubre and Cliff Alexander, as well as returning Perry Ellis. Look for this to be major proving game for both teams and a hard-fought battle in Indianapolis for early-season media props.
Prediction: UK, 83-79 in a last-two-minutes streetfight
On paper, the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball squad versus a buffalo doesn’t look that difficult, but don’t forget that an adult male American buffalo can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and UK is slated to play it in mid-November — worrisome because buffalo can be aggressive with horning during the late fall and early winter seasons. While five-on-one should yield a win, the buffalo is no stranger to charging, sometimes up to 40 miles per hour, if provoked by humans. What good is a victory if Tyler Ulis has a ruptured spleen from a particularly vicious goring? Speed and agility will be key.
Prediction: UK; after a frightening first half and some worrisome abrasions on the Harrison Twins, the team figures out how to tire the buffalo and eventually wear him down for capture.
I hope our cardio is up to snuff for a match-up against the entire city of Columbia, South Carolina — it has a population of over 131,000 people and covers 134.9 square miles of land. That’s going to make it hard to guard and we’re going to really need to rely on the height of Karl Towns as some of these people may be in multi-story buildings. To be fair, some of Columbia’s population will be children, even babies, which should make them easy to dominate. But Aaron Harrison centuple-teamed is going to force him to really fight, and if he gets into foul trouble things could get tense. Weather could play a key factor. Also motor vehicles.
Prediction: UK, 82-81 — though we’re going to need those two days to rest before facing North Carolina.
2. Grand Canyon
November 14 will see the meeting of two programs with a great and storied history: 111 years of Kentucky Basketball up against forty million years of systematic erosion in the Colorado River Basin. The challenges loom large here — how do you defend against a world-renowned marvel of natural geology which once turned Spanish conquistadors back with its blistering heat, insurmountable formations and lack of sustenance? The Wildcats are going to need to be prepared both mentally and physically because the psychological toll being lost in the rocky hellscape will only be matched by the essential strength to push forward against elements both meteorological and topographical. A rolled ankle could put Trey Lyles out or a skinned knee could bring Willie down. We are going to need to be at the top of our game, no doubt about it.
Prediction: UK, with fortitude and water, after a hard-fought week.
What folly is it for mankind to tempt providence? After all, God’s continuous upholding of the existence and natural order of the universe is a feat which dwarfs even the most impressive of alley-oops. It would surely be ill-advised to antagonize the very thing which provides a divine, loving and unconditional love for man, even if it would mean sacrificing a perfect season up to that point. Is a career high for Dakari Johnson worth upsetting the balance of good and evil in the world? A game like this, if handled improperly, could change the meaning of one-and-done from “one season and on to the NBA” to “one season and an endless dark void of despair for the rest of eternity.” Still, Bleacher Report says if anyone can pull it off it’s this recruiting class. Which is a big pro.
Prediction: UK; The outcome of this game has been predetermined and has never been in question.
Wilkommen to Deutschland! We are very pleasing to be host you for your vacationing. Here you will find many exciting items for to do and enjoying. Please being our guest during your time here and see all of our beautiful country. We will be friendly and happy to you during your visit and hope you to have fun!
This is Friedhelm. He would like inviting you to see his sheep. Friedhelm has many sheep and is a shepherd in Deutschland. Deutschland has many sheep, as many as people or more Here, sheep are part of Deutsch family, and sometimes live in human being houses. Friedhelm is married to sheep and they are very happy with one another. No babies to have. YET! They are trying very hard and often.
When visiting be ensured to visit Deutschland’s many exquisite castles from many years of past. Many beautiful queens and bravery kings lived once in these castles. Some are very tall and old. Imagine when you visit for yourself what it would be like to be a king or queen! Please no murdering.
Please be sure to obey the signs and ruling laws while you visit Deutschland. Any violation of Deutsch laws will cause a visit to governing bodies who will horrify you. We wish not to jail you while your visit but we will follow all rules to full extent. Many American tourists are die in our jails each year. Follow the rules!
Romance is important in Deutschland and many loving men and woman come here to make romantic memories. This man and woman eat a fine meal of Schweinskopfsülze. The man is sexy talking to the woman, saying in whispers “my bowel and intestinal system is very regular.” The woman finds this very sexy in a man! It is going to be a good night for these loving birds!
Many American youths enjoy taking advantage of Deutsch hostels, where traveling youths may rest and enjoy fun times with one another. Here are some happy American students from Deutsch hostels! Making fun times to remember always! (“Jugendherberge” means “unclean harlot.”)
Again we remember you to follow the rules when visiting. Failure to following the rules may result in a force touching of the electric sphere.
Germany’s army of dancing is the best in the world! Enjoy their wonderful dance moves and sit quietly. If you do not sit quietly the army of dancing is entitled to make you force touch the electric sphere.
Here is a fun night out with friends! These happy people are enjoying delicious beer and are telling funny stories and jokes to each other for laughing. One man says “you have feathers on your head!” and other man says “you have feathers on your head too!” Their wives are lucky to have funny spouse.
American women, if you are no wife yet you may have much luck when in Deutschland with many handsome men to dating. Deutsch males are very kind and efficient to women. You will be very happy forever.
German citizens are always happy to tell directions or giving tourist tips to you. Do not be afraid to ask them questions about shopping or dining and they will being happy to offer you nice suggestions of shopping malls and dining centers. They will not murder you because the threat of electric sphere is very strong.
Child care is available in some locations.
Genießen! You are sure to have great times when visit Deutschland. If you need assistance during any time please call National Tourist Board and ask for Jürgen. He is internet cannibal and vice president of public relations. He will help you with questions. Enjoy your visit and sich amüsieren!
I'm jus bored sorry
— Doron Lamb (@DLamb20) June 17, 2014
Hello, friends. I hope you are enjoying/not enjoying the World Cup. Soccer is certainly great/dumb, isn’t it? It’s a shame/great that Americans can’t understand/are really starting to like soccer, huh? Hooray/Boo for soccer!
Friends, if you’re on the social media experiment known as Twitter, you’re no doubt already aware that the greatest person to follow on Twitter is ex-UK Wildcat and current Orlando Magic player Doron Lamb. The wealth of content Lamb puts out is truly inspiring, and it demands to be consumed. But how well do you really know Doron’s Twitter feed? Let’s test your knowledge today in an off-season exercise we’ll call “The Doron Lamb Twitter Feed Quiz.” It should take about four and a half minutes to read and you’re sure to hate it, don’t worry.
1. What item of clothing does Doron Lamb collect and post pictures of on Twitter?
2. According to Doron Lamb, if you fly out to see 2 dudes in a month you:
a. have a lot of friends
b. like to travel
3. How cold is it in Doron Lamb’s room?
a. Very cold
b. Not cold
c. Dumb cold
4. According to Doron Lamb, What is the best apple juice?
b. Old Orchard
c. Minute Maid
d. Martinelli’s Gold Medal
5. Why are girls getting fake bodies?
a. to get a man
b. to feel better about how they look
6. Five of the following tweets were sent by Doron Lamb. One is from current U.S. Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz. Which is not a tweet by Doron Lamb?
a. y u mad lol
b. I know girls feet hurt lmfao
c. if you don’t got no money don’t chill with me then
d. villanova is wack
e. Congratulations to Sylvia Burwell on her Senate confirmation today. I look forward to working with her.
f. Groupies in the lobby they jus trying to get established
7. What is Doron Lamb watching?
a. The Sixth Man
b. Hey Arnold
d. Tom & Jerry
e. All of the above
8. What is crazy?
a. The season finale of Game of Thrones
b. The argument over net neutrality
c. A bedroom with glass aquarium walls
10. Who in NYC?
a. I am in NYC.
b. I am not in NYC.
12. Doron Lamb doesn’t understand:
a. String theory
b. How bad things can happen to good people
c. How you come outside with no money
13. Which of the following is a Doron Lamb tweet?
a. Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.
b. Natural abilities are like natural plants that need pruning by study.
c. All that glitters is not gold.
d. I hate quotations.
e. All of the above
ANSWER KEY: 1.(b), 2.(c), 3.(c), 4.(d), 5.(a), 6.(e), 7.(e), 8.(c), 9.(c), 10.(b), 11.(a), 12.(c), 13.(e)
How’d you score?
13: orlando wake up
9-12: Good workout
4-8: Keep Ya Head Up
(Ed. Note: with an increasing number of NCAA college athletes leaving their universities and colleges early to enter their prospective fields of play on a professional level, the NCAA would like to make every effort to afford these athletes a true “student experience” to reward them for initially choosing the educational path. According to our sources, the following document was emailed to universities across the nation in late April, instructing administrators to relay the following inspirational words to their athletes leaving early. We present it, below, in full.)
Well, it’s finally here. That day you’ve been waiting so long for, working so hard toward. It probably seemed like it would never come. But now, here we are, eight long months later, and ready to enter the real world. I know it seems so crazy, but here it is.
The valuable life lessons you’ll take with you from these hallowed halls will follow you the rest of your lives. Like that one time you were probably on a bus or an airplane on your way to play another college or university, and someone probably said something hilarious, and everyone laughed. Or maybe that one Christmas when everyone went to see that movie together one time, and everyone came out and agreed that it was a really good movie. Or those probably two or three late-nights goofing around the dorm and, maybe one of those times, ordering pizza. Treasure these moments and hold onto them forever, for they are precious. You’ll never get that night you ordered pizza at the dorms back again.
Remember that one Christmas break? I mean, you know, just the one Christmas break. When you went home for a few days and someone you knew from high school, just six months ago, asked you how college was, and you told him? Just think — that’s never going to happen again. Those days are gone. Or having to slosh through the snow to class those two times in February? You’ll never have to do that again! Can you believe it? I mean, it’s been 175 days — probably sometimes it must have felt like at least 210 — and now it’s time to leave the nest. No more moving all your stuff into the dorm after a hot summer, like you did that one time, or dressing up like a vampire like you did for that one Halloween party you attended.
Not for you, students. For you, the road begins here. And sometimes it won’t be easy. Some of you may only end up making the league minimum in your first year. That’s only $470,000. That’s only two Bentley Continental GTCs, or only a 3,500 square foot apartment — if you’re in a mid-range sports town – without 24-hour concierge service. There may not always be the opportunity to make it rain. You’ll get through this.
You’ll get through this because you’ll have the valuable connections you’ve made over the last eight months. Like that one guy, the guy you always saw at the cafeteria. The one who wore the red hat a lot. And that other guy, the funny one with kind of a beard. Or that girl with the brown hair in your calculus class, maybe her name was Alisha. Or Jenny. These will be the faces you’ll never forget. The times you spent with these people will always be a part of you, like that time beard guy said “OMG” to be funny…I mean, who says that? That’s a text message thing, you don’t say the letters like that! It was hilarious. Priceless moments.
For others of you, the sun will shine brightly and the road will glow ahead of you. For some of you, who are drafted by a possible playoff contender, or who get to see some great playing time because the team you’re drafted to is hurting at your particular position. Take these opportunities and make them your own, because eventually you’ll see some residuals from the Players Association on your jersey sales. And that will be nice.
Then, students, you’ll have made it. You’ll have fulfilled your destiny! So go forth, young men and women, and grab that brass ring for yourselves. We’ve enjoyed spending these last days and months with you, and want you to know we’re behind you all the way. We’ll be keeping our eyes on you. Supporting you. Cheering you on. And when you get really big, we hope you’ll remember that our science building hasn’t been renovated since 1978.
Godspeed, students, and good luck!
Dear Mayor Gray,
I am disappointed that your city continues to facilitate the building of trendy off-campus loft apartments, essentially rendering the fine housing and residence halls available at the University of Kentucky – an institution of which I am proud to be President and treasure its ongoing commitment to its students and their knowledge – unattractive to incoming students. I also do not understand the city’s enthusiasm for flashing yellow left-turn lights when the old green left turn lights once worked perfectly well. Further, I believe our city to have reached its quota of brick oven pizza and cupcake stores.
Dear Champs Entertainment Complex,
During a recent visit to your establishment I purchased your promotion “Funtastic Four” package, which features laser tag, roller skating and miniature golf – as well as pizza and Pepsi-Cola products – for twenty dollars. My wife and I generally enjoy this as a night out but last Thursday evening during our visit to your facility we were targeted by a group of youths in your laser tag “arena” who proceeded to follow us to the skating rink and jeer at us as we skated. Too, your staff repeatedly ignored several requests to change the carbonation in your Sierra Mist dispenser and I was struck repeatedly in the head with candy while playing miniature golf. I have genuine concerns as to the cost-value of the Funtastic Four package and will reconsider purchasing it in the future unless a clearer vision for the financing promotion is established which will be agreeable for all parties involved.
Dear Olive Garden,
Thank you for the recent coupons you sent to my home and the invitation to dine with you during your recent “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” promotion. It was a very kind gesture and, initially, I felt that it was would be the ideal situation for both me and my family. At $9.95 per person, this financial arrangement seemed to best serve all parties but, as time progressed, it became very clear that the amorphous nature of this financing plan would provide uncertainties. Unlimited salad and breadsticks, for instance, helped to satisfy my party’s appetite before the agreed-upon pasta would arrive, creating a noticeably dimished hunger and serving to affect the amount of “Never Ending Pasta” we would eat during our visit. I feel that unless this plan is addressed and adjusted to consider all possible variables, the “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” is not the preferred meal for my family at this time.
Thank you for your ongoing dedication to quality television programming but I am disheartened by your decision over the past few months to cancel the hilarious family sitcom Suburgatory and feel that there are three instances of fundamental misguidance in this decision. First, Suburgatory was once called by TV Guide critic Matt Roush “a garish, broadly-amusing satire.” Secondly, in successive years it was nominated for both a People’s Choice Award for Favorite New Comedy and a Teen Choice Award for Best TV Show. Thirdly, it is broadcast, and assumedly enjoyed by viewers, internationally in countries like Serbia, Sweden and Greece. Because of this lack of enthusiasm toward Suburgatory, I will continue to explore all other potential options offered by rival networks.
Dear Chairman Rice,
Hello, friends. You look great. Will you go to the prom with me? Check Yes or No.
__ Yes __ No
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that we are now, in the middle of May, officially well into the no man’s land of meaningful sports information which will curse us for the next month and a half or so. If you think this isn’t true, you are a crazy person. Yesterday the two most interesting stories that came out of the Big Blue Nation were that Calipari said it would be fun to coach Lebron James and someone made a super-weird Cal’s-face-cake. You just lost your argument, sucka. As we are in the doldrums we, as many other websites do, must find new and creative ways to get you, the reader, to return for more until things pick back up again. I recently attended a very high-caliber internet conference in Switzerland to learn how to do exactly this, and I am pleased to tell you I learned a lot about what’s known in the internet industry as “clickbait.” This clickbait is designed specifically to intrigue you into reading the story to which it links. By telling you all of this, I realize I’m only hurting my own case — but we have become great friends over the years, and I can’t lead you along. That said, today I’d like to present to you a series of teaser headlines I’ll be working on over the next three months with which to trick you. I hope that when you see these headlines, you’ll forget everything I just said and click on them, so I will know the $17,000 I spent of KSR’s money to fly first class to a Swiss Internet conference wasn’t in vain. I’m sure you’ll let me know what you think in the comment section. Oh, I’m sure. Have a great weekend, friends, and I’ll see you next week.
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What Happens When You Cut Up an Onion Will Make You Cry
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Hello, friends. How are you? Ready for spring? To the left! I am. I’ve about had it with winter, haven’t you? A little bit right! It’s nice to finally see the sun again. Okay, bring it on back! Do you have big plans for the next couple of months? That’s it! There you go! Sorry, it’s really nice to see you and all but can we finish this conversation after I’m finished with my job on the tarmac at the airport? I want to be able to give you my full attention.
This week Cal took to the road to promote his new book Players First: Coaching from the Inside Out, and he left no stone unturned in getting the word out. As he continues to promote his book and talk about his signature coaching style, we’ve collated some of his sound bites from those interviews below.
Morning Joe (MSNBC):
“It starts with recruiting. I tell [players] You’re not taking thirty shots if you come here, because you’re going to have other players who are just as good as you. The most anyone takes historically for my teams is thirteen, fourteen shots….I can’t promise you’re gonna start, how many minutes you’re going to get, all those things. But I’ve started something like thirty freshman in my time, or more now, and it all starts with recruiting.”
Welcome to the University of Wisconsin-Madison! Here you’ll find all the comforts of home wrapped up in an academic enrivonment ready to prepare you for a successful life and career. In these hallowed halls you’ll meet skilled instructors and trusted friends — as well as experiences you’ll never forget!
Who wants a free hug? This student’s belt clearly wants to give you one. Her colleague’s shirt reads “smile,” perhaps ironically. It’s this kind of friendliness, both anthropomorphic and ironic, which will greet you as you begin your life as a first-year University of Wisconsin student. Get ready for the best times of your life!
Welcome to the best times of your life! These students are listening intently as their friend and classmate reads aloud to them from his textbook. Slow down, guys! You have four years of valuable memories to make; try not to squeeze them all into the first month. The residence halls of UW are large enough for everyone to sit, and varying sizes of beanbag chairs are available from your residence hall advisors. There’s plenty of room, so there’s no reason to move your fashionable end-table!
The student body of the University of Wisconsin is a diverse group, representing all types of people from Janesville to Eagle River. Learn from others who are different from you in a positive environment free from criticism. Notice the exquisite differences in one another and learn to come together as a cohesive community of individuals. Maybe you’ll find we’re not so different after all. You may even meet someone who wears a toboggan.
Enjoy great meals any day of the week at one of the University of Wisconsin’s top-notch dining halls. Whether your preference is cheese curds, bread, crackers, cheese-filled bread or cheese curds, you’ll plenty of choices just around the corner from your dorm. Don’t worry about the Wisconsin “Freshman Eighty-Five,” it’s simply a rite of passage here at UW!
Say hello to Bucky Badger, UW’s beloved mascot! Bucky can eat several hundred earthworms and other insects in one night and often digs a shallow pit within his burrow for defecation, keeping his fecal matter away from his food storage. He most often mates in early spring and late summer and his mates can experience a “delayed implantation” of the embryo until food is more readily available. He also possesses stink glands in his anus which can squirt a pungent liquid up to several feet to deter enemies. If you see him, give him a hug!
If you need help getting your bearings on campus in your initial months or just need to know where to find the best pizza, stop by and chat with your residence hall advisor Alex Trebek. He will have all the “questions” to your “answers,” if you catch our drift! (Alex Trebek’s game show Jeopardy reverses questions and answers is our drift.)
Head men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan is currently leading the Badgers into the Final Four in North Texas this weekend. Be sure to cheer him on! Coach Ryan possesses stink glands in his anus which can squirt a pungent liquid up to several feet to deter enemies. Go Badgers! Bring home a national championship!
You’re going to love your time here at the University of Wisconsin! #diversity
Looking to make new friends? Stop by one of the University of Wisconsin’s “First-Year Social Hours” to get to know your classmates, colleagues and dorm-mates. Please bring your own protective eye-wear, though the student union will provide the plastic sleeves.
We can’t wait for you to join us at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and look forward to spending the next four years facilitating the experiences and friendships which will follow you the rest of your days. You’ll never forget your time at UW! Also, for the love of God put some shoes on and get off the Lincoln statue. What’s wrong with you? See you soon at the University of Wisconsin!