The second edition of Coach Stoops’ women’s clinic was moved indoors to Nutter Field House as Commonwealth Stadium →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
From: Ray “Rock” Oliver, Strength Coach
To: Kentucky Men’s Basketball Coaching Staff, Men’s Basketball Team
Re: Changes to Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)
July 24, 2013
Coaching Staff and Players,
As you’re by now probably aware, hot yoga has recently been added to the pre-season regimen. This suggestion recently came to us from former player Randall Cobb, who recommended it as a worthwhile way to strengthen muscle control and elasticity. We’ve done the research and run the numbers and the statistical results seem to be there, so we feel like it is a good addition to the training schedule. This “alternative approach” to strengthening and agility has spurred our staff to look into some other possibilities which we will be adding to the schedule in the near future. These will include:
-Below-Zero Zumba: Combining the muy caliente moves of hip-hop and samba dance with the muscle-tightening physiology of movement in sub-freezing temperatures, this technique will help to replicate the feeling of tensed muscle which continually need loosening. Once the body is trained with a sense memory to continually be in the process of loosening these muscles at all times the body can begin to perform at its most peak level. Parkas will be provided.
-Underwater Jazzercise: A proven fusion of jazz dance and resistance training, each sixty-minute underwater jazzercise session will include intermitten air breaks and waterproof earphones as you both melt away the pounds and create your body into a stronger, leaner machine to the tunes of acclaimed jazzercise musicians The Hugh Price Experience and Quiet Fire.
-Crab soccer: Supporting limber joints and muscles is key to preparing your body for the season ahead, so a round-robin crab soccer tournament will begin on August 7 and continue in a double-elimination fashion in heats until August 29. This is not a place for laughing and horsing around. Horsing around will begin on September 4.
-Horsing around: Tapping into the feral nature of athleticism, we will engage in exercises designed to connect to your spirit horse, a free creature pushing its endurance to the limit as it tames the open fields of your mind. These exercises will both include emulation of and connection to the unbridled horse which lives inside your soul.
-Spinning: Stationary bicycle riding with a weighted flywheel at increasing intervals.
-Spinning: Spinning around in the dark with glowsticks to ambient chill music as you raise your consciousness to the universe and its many unparalleled wonders.
-Respect to Gaia: No strength and agility would be possible at all without blessings from Earth Mother Goddess Gaia, birth giver to the gods of the sea and sky. Awaken your soul with her abundant gifts and drink from the cup of blessings bestowed upon you while you bask in the loving gratitude of the togetherness of earth and her eternal sustainability. Also three sets of squats.
See you in the weight room!
Barnhart: Is everyone here? Let’s get this conference call started.
Johnson (by phone): I’m here.
Perkins (by phone): Here.
Goldman (by phone): I’m here also.
Barnhart: Great. I spoke with you each earlier in the week prior to this meeting about generating some ideas which would help create an improved game day experience for Commonwealth Stadium in 2014, since we’re all very excited about what Coach Stoops is doing and what we can accomplish this year. I hope everyone had some time to think on this and come up with some ideas to discuss. Anyone?
Johnson: Generally, people tune out during the quarter breaks when our student programs and majors are brought onto the field. Perhaps if they performed some sort of bit of entertainment it might help liven the atmosphere.
Perkins: Maybe having the vocal department majors sing a little song.
Johnson: Right. Or the physics department blow something up with their new laser.
Perkins: Like a watermelon.
Goldman: Or like an piñata of a bulldog or a gator or something. It could be filled with confetti.
Johnson: Maybe the international studies kids could talk in a foreign language.
Perkins: French is hilarious.
Johnson: Exactly. Yeah, make things fun. Everyone would be like “what the heck is that guy saying? Those noises are so funny!”
Perkins: I’ve been thinking about music and sound during the game.
Barnhart: Great. Any thoughts?
Perkins: I was thinking that whenever there’s a first down, we could play that clip from Wayne’s World – you know, the one where he goes “schwing!”
Goldman: Oh, I like that. (laughs) Schwing.
Perkins: I know, right? It could become a thing. Or whenever the opponents botch a big play, a really funny clip of a robot going “does not compute, does not compute.”
Johnson: (laughing) Oh yeah. “Does not compute”. It totally fits, like they screwed up or something.
Goldman: Whenever they move the chains we could play that song Crazy B*tch, by Buckcherry. That’s a great song.
Goldman: I’m just saying it’s an awesome song. I love that song. It would be like “they’re moving the chains again.” People would be up and dancing. Taking off their shirts and stuff.
Barnhart: I’m not sure that’s the direction we want to go in.
Goldman: I’m just saying. That song hypes people way up.
Perkins: That’s true. It does.
Johnson: You know how t-shirt cannons are really popular? What if we used that technology for other things?
Perkins: Like other things than t-shirts?
Johnson: Right. Like rally towels. Game programs.
Goldman: Buckcherry CDs.
Johnson: People love free stuff. Really love it.
Barnhart: Couldn’t we just give them those things on their way in?
Johnson: I just read a study that people enjoy receiving things 40% more when they’re shot out of a cannon. Something to consider.
Perkins: I was also looking at potential halftime entertainment acts.
Johnson: Well, there’s always the marching band.
Perkins: Oh, of course…but we could squeeze something else in, you know? Like a monkey riding a dog around. There are people who can do that sort of thing for us for halftime.
Goldman: And maybe the monkey could wave a little “K” flag.
Perkins: Yeah, it would be adorable. And a little UK shirt.
Goldman: The dog couldn’t run too fast or people wouldn’t be able to see the shirt.
Perkins: True, it would have to be a slower dog. Or a bigger monkey.
Goldman: The heavier the monkey, the slower the dog is going to be, so that works itself out.
Johnson: If the monkey’s too big it’s not as cute, though.
Goldman: Right. I’d be happy to google some monkey sizes.
Perkins: The bigger ones are the ones that go crazy, so we have to be careful.
Goldman: We don’t need a monkey accident. That’s the last thing we need.
Barnhart: Should we move the placement of “My Old Kentucky Home?”
Johnson: I don’t know. It’s kind of a shame to make people wait, especially if they’ve come to the game to hear that song. That’s what my neighbor does. Seriously. He loves that song. How about after the third quarter?
Goldman: That’s still a while to wait. What about after the first quarter?
Perkins: That’s student accomplishment time. Unless we play it while the lasers are blowing things up. How about at the very beginning?
Goldman: Then people getting there late couldn’t hear it. Traffic, you know? What about during the first TV time out?
Johnson: Or just maybe we could play it on a loop under gameplay the whole time. Then people could just sing along whenever they wanted.
Perkins: That’s a great idea. Everyone’s happy.
Goldman: But then “Crazy B*tch” for first downs though, right?
Johnson: Oh, right. We can drop down “My Old Kentucky Home” then, for a few seconds.
Perkins: I think this is going to be a great season.
Goldman: It’s going to be a blast; really fun.
Hello, friends. You look well. Did you win the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship earlier today? Oh, I’m sorry. I understand. I didn’t mean to make fun of your weight problem. It was a legitimate question, you know, because of all the hot dogs you are eating.
Friends, Wednesday saw the finalization of the certain-to-be-formidable University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball non-conference schedule for the 2014-15 season. I don’t know about you, but I took a very short glance at it and I have the feeling we are in for a very strange non-conference season. Just based on what I’ve seen so far, I’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of ranking what I feel may be our toughest matchups come November in a piece I’ll call Ranking the Difficulty of UK’s Non-Conference Schedule. Because, really, that’s as good of a title as anything, right? So here we go, friends. And have a great holiday weekend.
Let’s face it: Louisville is going to be solid again in the 2014-15 season. Sure, they lost Russ Smith but they retained Montrezl Harrell and when you team him back alongside Chris Jones, Terry Rozier and Wayne Blackshear all signs point to Louisville looking tough again. But this is Kentucky, and that’s Louisville, and though we know it’s going to be a battle again in late December if the Cats are starting to click by then we should be fine.
Prediction: UK, 90-78 in a late second-half pull-away shooting extravaganza
Facing the Jayhawks in November’s Champions Classic should be the first true test for the 2014-15 Wildcat squad and it should be no cakewalk, given that though Kansas is losing Wiggins and Embiid to the NBA, they are bringing in solid freshmen in Kelly Oubre and Cliff Alexander, as well as returning Perry Ellis. Look for this to be major proving game for both teams and a hard-fought battle in Indianapolis for early-season media props.
Prediction: UK, 83-79 in a last-two-minutes streetfight
On paper, the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball squad versus a buffalo doesn’t look that difficult, but don’t forget that an adult male American buffalo can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and UK is slated to play it in mid-November — worrisome because buffalo can be aggressive with horning during the late fall and early winter seasons. While five-on-one should yield a win, the buffalo is no stranger to charging, sometimes up to 40 miles per hour, if provoked by humans. What good is a victory if Tyler Ulis has a ruptured spleen from a particularly vicious goring? Speed and agility will be key.
Prediction: UK; after a frightening first half and some worrisome abrasions on the Harrison Twins, the team figures out how to tire the buffalo and eventually wear him down for capture.
I hope our cardio is up to snuff for a match-up against the entire city of Columbia, South Carolina — it has a population of over 131,000 people and covers 134.9 square miles of land. That’s going to make it hard to guard and we’re going to really need to rely on the height of Karl Towns as some of these people may be in multi-story buildings. To be fair, some of Columbia’s population will be children, even babies, which should make them easy to dominate. But Aaron Harrison centuple-teamed is going to force him to really fight, and if he gets into foul trouble things could get tense. Weather could play a key factor. Also motor vehicles.
Prediction: UK, 82-81 — though we’re going to need those two days to rest before facing North Carolina.
2. Grand Canyon
November 14 will see the meeting of two programs with a great and storied history: 111 years of Kentucky Basketball up against forty million years of systematic erosion in the Colorado River Basin. The challenges loom large here — how do you defend against a world-renowned marvel of natural geology which once turned Spanish conquistadors back with its blistering heat, insurmountable formations and lack of sustenance? The Wildcats are going to need to be prepared both mentally and physically because the psychological toll being lost in the rocky hellscape will only be matched by the essential strength to push forward against elements both meteorological and topographical. A rolled ankle could put Trey Lyles out or a skinned knee could bring Willie down. We are going to need to be at the top of our game, no doubt about it.
Prediction: UK, with fortitude and water, after a hard-fought week.
What folly is it for mankind to tempt providence? After all, God’s continuous upholding of the existence and natural order of the universe is a feat which dwarfs even the most impressive of alley-oops. It would surely be ill-advised to antagonize the very thing which provides a divine, loving and unconditional love for man, even if it would mean sacrificing a perfect season up to that point. Is a career high for Dakari Johnson worth upsetting the balance of good and evil in the world? A game like this, if handled improperly, could change the meaning of one-and-done from “one season and on to the NBA” to “one season and an endless dark void of despair for the rest of eternity.” Still, Bleacher Report says if anyone can pull it off it’s this recruiting class. Which is a big pro.
Prediction: UK; The outcome of this game has been predetermined and has never been in question.
Wilkommen to Deutschland! We are very pleasing to be host you for your vacationing. Here you will find many exciting items for to do and enjoying. Please being our guest during your time here and see all of our beautiful country. We will be friendly and happy to you during your visit and hope you to have fun!
This is Friedhelm. He would like inviting you to see his sheep. Friedhelm has many sheep and is a shepherd in Deutschland. Deutschland has many sheep, as many as people or more Here, sheep are part of Deutsch family, and sometimes live in human being houses. Friedhelm is married to sheep and they are very happy with one another. No babies to have. YET! They are trying very hard and often.
When visiting be ensured to visit Deutschland’s many exquisite castles from many years of past. Many beautiful queens and bravery kings lived once in these castles. Some are very tall and old. Imagine when you visit for yourself what it would be like to be a king or queen! Please no murdering.
Please be sure to obey the signs and ruling laws while you visit Deutschland. Any violation of Deutsch laws will cause a visit to governing bodies who will horrify you. We wish not to jail you while your visit but we will follow all rules to full extent. Many American tourists are die in our jails each year. Follow the rules!
Romance is important in Deutschland and many loving men and woman come here to make romantic memories. This man and woman eat a fine meal of Schweinskopfsülze. The man is sexy talking to the woman, saying in whispers “my bowel and intestinal system is very regular.” The woman finds this very sexy in a man! It is going to be a good night for these loving birds!
Many American youths enjoy taking advantage of Deutsch hostels, where traveling youths may rest and enjoy fun times with one another. Here are some happy American students from Deutsch hostels! Making fun times to remember always! (“Jugendherberge” means “unclean harlot.”)
Again we remember you to follow the rules when visiting. Failure to following the rules may result in a force touching of the electric sphere.
Germany’s army of dancing is the best in the world! Enjoy their wonderful dance moves and sit quietly. If you do not sit quietly the army of dancing is entitled to make you force touch the electric sphere.
Here is a fun night out with friends! These happy people are enjoying delicious beer and are telling funny stories and jokes to each other for laughing. One man says “you have feathers on your head!” and other man says “you have feathers on your head too!” Their wives are lucky to have funny spouse.
American women, if you are no wife yet you may have much luck when in Deutschland with many handsome men to dating. Deutsch males are very kind and efficient to women. You will be very happy forever.
German citizens are always happy to tell directions or giving tourist tips to you. Do not be afraid to ask them questions about shopping or dining and they will being happy to offer you nice suggestions of shopping malls and dining centers. They will not murder you because the threat of electric sphere is very strong.
Child care is available in some locations.
Genießen! You are sure to have great times when visit Deutschland. If you need assistance during any time please call National Tourist Board and ask for Jürgen. He is internet cannibal and vice president of public relations. He will help you with questions. Enjoy your visit and sich amüsieren!
I'm jus bored sorry
— Doron Lamb (@DLamb20) June 17, 2014
Hello, friends. I hope you are enjoying/not enjoying the World Cup. Soccer is certainly great/dumb, isn’t it? It’s a shame/great that Americans can’t understand/are really starting to like soccer, huh? Hooray/Boo for soccer!
Friends, if you’re on the social media experiment known as Twitter, you’re no doubt already aware that the greatest person to follow on Twitter is ex-UK Wildcat and current Orlando Magic player Doron Lamb. The wealth of content Lamb puts out is truly inspiring, and it demands to be consumed. But how well do you really know Doron’s Twitter feed? Let’s test your knowledge today in an off-season exercise we’ll call “The Doron Lamb Twitter Feed Quiz.” It should take about four and a half minutes to read and you’re sure to hate it, don’t worry.
1. What item of clothing does Doron Lamb collect and post pictures of on Twitter?
2. According to Doron Lamb, if you fly out to see 2 dudes in a month you:
a. have a lot of friends
b. like to travel
3. How cold is it in Doron Lamb’s room?
a. Very cold
b. Not cold
c. Dumb cold
4. According to Doron Lamb, What is the best apple juice?
b. Old Orchard
c. Minute Maid
d. Martinelli’s Gold Medal
5. Why are girls getting fake bodies?
a. to get a man
b. to feel better about how they look
6. Five of the following tweets were sent by Doron Lamb. One is from current U.S. Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz. Which is not a tweet by Doron Lamb?
a. y u mad lol
b. I know girls feet hurt lmfao
c. if you don’t got no money don’t chill with me then
d. villanova is wack
e. Congratulations to Sylvia Burwell on her Senate confirmation today. I look forward to working with her.
f. Groupies in the lobby they jus trying to get established
7. What is Doron Lamb watching?
a. The Sixth Man
b. Hey Arnold
d. Tom & Jerry
e. All of the above
8. What is crazy?
a. The season finale of Game of Thrones
b. The argument over net neutrality
c. A bedroom with glass aquarium walls
10. Who in NYC?
a. I am in NYC.
b. I am not in NYC.
12. Doron Lamb doesn’t understand:
a. String theory
b. How bad things can happen to good people
c. How you come outside with no money
13. Which of the following is a Doron Lamb tweet?
a. Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.
b. Natural abilities are like natural plants that need pruning by study.
c. All that glitters is not gold.
d. I hate quotations.
e. All of the above
ANSWER KEY: 1.(b), 2.(c), 3.(c), 4.(d), 5.(a), 6.(e), 7.(e), 8.(c), 9.(c), 10.(b), 11.(a), 12.(c), 13.(e)
How’d you score?
13: orlando wake up
9-12: Good workout
4-8: Keep Ya Head Up
(Ed. Note: with an increasing number of NCAA college athletes leaving their universities and colleges early to enter their prospective fields of play on a professional level, the NCAA would like to make every effort to afford these athletes a true “student experience” to reward them for initially choosing the educational path. According to our sources, the following document was emailed to universities across the nation in late April, instructing administrators to relay the following inspirational words to their athletes leaving early. We present it, below, in full.)
Well, it’s finally here. That day you’ve been waiting so long for, working so hard toward. It probably seemed like it would never come. But now, here we are, eight long months later, and ready to enter the real world. I know it seems so crazy, but here it is.
The valuable life lessons you’ll take with you from these hallowed halls will follow you the rest of your lives. Like that one time you were probably on a bus or an airplane on your way to play another college or university, and someone probably said something hilarious, and everyone laughed. Or maybe that one Christmas when everyone went to see that movie together one time, and everyone came out and agreed that it was a really good movie. Or those probably two or three late-nights goofing around the dorm and, maybe one of those times, ordering pizza. Treasure these moments and hold onto them forever, for they are precious. You’ll never get that night you ordered pizza at the dorms back again.
Remember that one Christmas break? I mean, you know, just the one Christmas break. When you went home for a few days and someone you knew from high school, just six months ago, asked you how college was, and you told him? Just think — that’s never going to happen again. Those days are gone. Or having to slosh through the snow to class those two times in February? You’ll never have to do that again! Can you believe it? I mean, it’s been 175 days — probably sometimes it must have felt like at least 210 — and now it’s time to leave the nest. No more moving all your stuff into the dorm after a hot summer, like you did that one time, or dressing up like a vampire like you did for that one Halloween party you attended.
Not for you, students. For you, the road begins here. And sometimes it won’t be easy. Some of you may only end up making the league minimum in your first year. That’s only $470,000. That’s only two Bentley Continental GTCs, or only a 3,500 square foot apartment — if you’re in a mid-range sports town – without 24-hour concierge service. There may not always be the opportunity to make it rain. You’ll get through this.
You’ll get through this because you’ll have the valuable connections you’ve made over the last eight months. Like that one guy, the guy you always saw at the cafeteria. The one who wore the red hat a lot. And that other guy, the funny one with kind of a beard. Or that girl with the brown hair in your calculus class, maybe her name was Alisha. Or Jenny. These will be the faces you’ll never forget. The times you spent with these people will always be a part of you, like that time beard guy said “OMG” to be funny…I mean, who says that? That’s a text message thing, you don’t say the letters like that! It was hilarious. Priceless moments.
For others of you, the sun will shine brightly and the road will glow ahead of you. For some of you, who are drafted by a possible playoff contender, or who get to see some great playing time because the team you’re drafted to is hurting at your particular position. Take these opportunities and make them your own, because eventually you’ll see some residuals from the Players Association on your jersey sales. And that will be nice.
Then, students, you’ll have made it. You’ll have fulfilled your destiny! So go forth, young men and women, and grab that brass ring for yourselves. We’ve enjoyed spending these last days and months with you, and want you to know we’re behind you all the way. We’ll be keeping our eyes on you. Supporting you. Cheering you on. And when you get really big, we hope you’ll remember that our science building hasn’t been renovated since 1978.
Godspeed, students, and good luck!
Dear Mayor Gray,
I am disappointed that your city continues to facilitate the building of trendy off-campus loft apartments, essentially rendering the fine housing and residence halls available at the University of Kentucky – an institution of which I am proud to be President and treasure its ongoing commitment to its students and their knowledge – unattractive to incoming students. I also do not understand the city’s enthusiasm for flashing yellow left-turn lights when the old green left turn lights once worked perfectly well. Further, I believe our city to have reached its quota of brick oven pizza and cupcake stores.
Dear Champs Entertainment Complex,
During a recent visit to your establishment I purchased your promotion “Funtastic Four” package, which features laser tag, roller skating and miniature golf – as well as pizza and Pepsi-Cola products – for twenty dollars. My wife and I generally enjoy this as a night out but last Thursday evening during our visit to your facility we were targeted by a group of youths in your laser tag “arena” who proceeded to follow us to the skating rink and jeer at us as we skated. Too, your staff repeatedly ignored several requests to change the carbonation in your Sierra Mist dispenser and I was struck repeatedly in the head with candy while playing miniature golf. I have genuine concerns as to the cost-value of the Funtastic Four package and will reconsider purchasing it in the future unless a clearer vision for the financing promotion is established which will be agreeable for all parties involved.
Dear Olive Garden,
Thank you for the recent coupons you sent to my home and the invitation to dine with you during your recent “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” promotion. It was a very kind gesture and, initially, I felt that it was would be the ideal situation for both me and my family. At $9.95 per person, this financial arrangement seemed to best serve all parties but, as time progressed, it became very clear that the amorphous nature of this financing plan would provide uncertainties. Unlimited salad and breadsticks, for instance, helped to satisfy my party’s appetite before the agreed-upon pasta would arrive, creating a noticeably dimished hunger and serving to affect the amount of “Never Ending Pasta” we would eat during our visit. I feel that unless this plan is addressed and adjusted to consider all possible variables, the “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” is not the preferred meal for my family at this time.
Thank you for your ongoing dedication to quality television programming but I am disheartened by your decision over the past few months to cancel the hilarious family sitcom Suburgatory and feel that there are three instances of fundamental misguidance in this decision. First, Suburgatory was once called by TV Guide critic Matt Roush “a garish, broadly-amusing satire.” Secondly, in successive years it was nominated for both a People’s Choice Award for Favorite New Comedy and a Teen Choice Award for Best TV Show. Thirdly, it is broadcast, and assumedly enjoyed by viewers, internationally in countries like Serbia, Sweden and Greece. Because of this lack of enthusiasm toward Suburgatory, I will continue to explore all other potential options offered by rival networks.
Dear Chairman Rice,
Hello, friends. You look great. Will you go to the prom with me? Check Yes or No.
__ Yes __ No
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that we are now, in the middle of May, officially well into the no man’s land of meaningful sports information which will curse us for the next month and a half or so. If you think this isn’t true, you are a crazy person. Yesterday the two most interesting stories that came out of the Big Blue Nation were that Calipari said it would be fun to coach Lebron James and someone made a super-weird Cal’s-face-cake. You just lost your argument, sucka. As we are in the doldrums we, as many other websites do, must find new and creative ways to get you, the reader, to return for more until things pick back up again. I recently attended a very high-caliber internet conference in Switzerland to learn how to do exactly this, and I am pleased to tell you I learned a lot about what’s known in the internet industry as “clickbait.” This clickbait is designed specifically to intrigue you into reading the story to which it links. By telling you all of this, I realize I’m only hurting my own case — but we have become great friends over the years, and I can’t lead you along. That said, today I’d like to present to you a series of teaser headlines I’ll be working on over the next three months with which to trick you. I hope that when you see these headlines, you’ll forget everything I just said and click on them, so I will know the $17,000 I spent of KSR’s money to fly first class to a Swiss Internet conference wasn’t in vain. I’m sure you’ll let me know what you think in the comment section. Oh, I’m sure. Have a great weekend, friends, and I’ll see you next week.
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What You Don’t Know About the Rupp Arena Renovations Could Kill You
Which Personal Foul from the 1997 UK-Canisius Game Are You?
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Which Episode of NCIS Does Sandy Bell Have On Her DVR Which She Hasn’t Had Time to Watch Yet?
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Find Out What Brian Long Thinks of Emmy-Award-Nominated Actress Swoosie Kurtz!
Is Adam Chiles Secretly Living in Your Basement?
Watch This Supercut of Your Grandmother Trying to Say “Poythress”
You Won’t Believe What Happens When John Robic Tries to Operate a Redbox
Cal Just Spoke a Sentence Out Loud About the NBA and a Reporter Heard Him. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.
What Happens When You Cut Up an Onion Will Make You Cry
Seven Things Bruce Pearl Could Stop Doing That Would Save the Polar Bears
Pete Thamel Just Stared Out the Window of His Office for 45 Minutes and What He’s Going to Write About Now Won’t Surprise You
Ten Things People Say When James Young Happens to Sit Next to Rihanna
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Hello, friends. How are you? Ready for spring? To the left! I am. I’ve about had it with winter, haven’t you? A little bit right! It’s nice to finally see the sun again. Okay, bring it on back! Do you have big plans for the next couple of months? That’s it! There you go! Sorry, it’s really nice to see you and all but can we finish this conversation after I’m finished with my job on the tarmac at the airport? I want to be able to give you my full attention.
This week Cal took to the road to promote his new book Players First: Coaching from the Inside Out, and he left no stone unturned in getting the word out. As he continues to promote his book and talk about his signature coaching style, we’ve collated some of his sound bites from those interviews below.
Morning Joe (MSNBC):
“It starts with recruiting. I tell [players] You’re not taking thirty shots if you come here, because you’re going to have other players who are just as good as you. The most anyone takes historically for my teams is thirteen, fourteen shots….I can’t promise you’re gonna start, how many minutes you’re going to get, all those things. But I’ve started something like thirty freshman in my time, or more now, and it all starts with recruiting.”
Welcome to the University of Wisconsin-Madison! Here you’ll find all the comforts of home wrapped up in an academic enrivonment ready to prepare you for a successful life and career. In these hallowed halls you’ll meet skilled instructors and trusted friends — as well as experiences you’ll never forget!
Who wants a free hug? This student’s belt clearly wants to give you one. Her colleague’s shirt reads “smile,” perhaps ironically. It’s this kind of friendliness, both anthropomorphic and ironic, which will greet you as you begin your life as a first-year University of Wisconsin student. Get ready for the best times of your life!
Welcome to the best times of your life! These students are listening intently as their friend and classmate reads aloud to them from his textbook. Slow down, guys! You have four years of valuable memories to make; try not to squeeze them all into the first month. The residence halls of UW are large enough for everyone to sit, and varying sizes of beanbag chairs are available from your residence hall advisors. There’s plenty of room, so there’s no reason to move your fashionable end-table!
The student body of the University of Wisconsin is a diverse group, representing all types of people from Janesville to Eagle River. Learn from others who are different from you in a positive environment free from criticism. Notice the exquisite differences in one another and learn to come together as a cohesive community of individuals. Maybe you’ll find we’re not so different after all. You may even meet someone who wears a toboggan.
Enjoy great meals any day of the week at one of the University of Wisconsin’s top-notch dining halls. Whether your preference is cheese curds, bread, crackers, cheese-filled bread or cheese curds, you’ll plenty of choices just around the corner from your dorm. Don’t worry about the Wisconsin “Freshman Eighty-Five,” it’s simply a rite of passage here at UW!
Say hello to Bucky Badger, UW’s beloved mascot! Bucky can eat several hundred earthworms and other insects in one night and often digs a shallow pit within his burrow for defecation, keeping his fecal matter away from his food storage. He most often mates in early spring and late summer and his mates can experience a “delayed implantation” of the embryo until food is more readily available. He also possesses stink glands in his anus which can squirt a pungent liquid up to several feet to deter enemies. If you see him, give him a hug!
If you need help getting your bearings on campus in your initial months or just need to know where to find the best pizza, stop by and chat with your residence hall advisor Alex Trebek. He will have all the “questions” to your “answers,” if you catch our drift! (Alex Trebek’s game show Jeopardy reverses questions and answers is our drift.)
Head men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan is currently leading the Badgers into the Final Four in North Texas this weekend. Be sure to cheer him on! Coach Ryan possesses stink glands in his anus which can squirt a pungent liquid up to several feet to deter enemies. Go Badgers! Bring home a national championship!
You’re going to love your time here at the University of Wisconsin! #diversity
Looking to make new friends? Stop by one of the University of Wisconsin’s “First-Year Social Hours” to get to know your classmates, colleagues and dorm-mates. Please bring your own protective eye-wear, though the student union will provide the plastic sleeves.
We can’t wait for you to join us at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and look forward to spending the next four years facilitating the experiences and friendships which will follow you the rest of your days. You’ll never forget your time at UW! Also, for the love of God put some shoes on and get off the Lincoln statue. What’s wrong with you? See you soon at the University of Wisconsin!
Hi Facebook friends! I don’t write a lot but I had to share this today. As you can all imagine, things are crazy around our house these days since UK and UL are going to be playing in the NCAA Tournament this weekend. I’m sure you all remember that Steven almost graduated from Louisville and I am a Kentucky graduate, so whenever the two teams play we always enjoy a friendly rivalry. It’s such a hoot! I wear my Wildcat gear and he wears his Cards gear and we get the CRAZIEST looks from people when we go out together dressed that way. But that’s part of the fun!
You should see the decorations at our house! You’ve probably all seen the half-Louisville-half-Kentucky license plate on the front of our Dodge Caravan, but we also have a sign in our yard that says “A House Divided.” It’s funny because that’s exactly what we are! On game day I’m going to make a cake with half red icing and half blue icing. You are all welcome to come watch the game with us. Louisville fans will have to sit on one side of the room and Kentucky fans will have to sit on the other side of the room. Trash talking is encouraged (except for Louisville fans…LOL JUST KIDDING)!
Our kids even get in on the act, which makes it even more of a blast! The other day Denny wore his Cardinal red to school while Heshimu wore his Kentucky blue, and everyone thought it was hilarious! We really have a LOT of fun with it. On Tuesday Denny cut Heshimu with a knife he made out of a broken UK coffee mug (nothing a little Bactine couldn’t fix!) and we all had a good laugh. It’s great to see that, even at this young age, the friendly rivalry will be something that bonds them together forever. I’m sure they’ll enjoy this for years to come. Denny turns up his Pit Bull music on FULL BLAST as Heshimu sits in his room peacefully embroidering his UK sweaters. He’s so much like me and Denny is so much like Steven – I’ll try to get a You Tubes video of it because you will all love it.
Steven says that this year is going to be an even bigger game because UK has so much to prove and Louisville has so much to defend. He goes on and on and on about it and I just roll my eyes! The other night he was rolling a pot blunt and he told me that UK women will never have the sweet fat booty that Louisville women have. Them’s fighting words, I told him, because I’m still carrying the baby weight from little Gorgui (yes I went there)!!! Steven cracks me up sometimes!
Steven says he’s going to get another tattoo this time, if Louisville wins, and this one’s going to be a fancy medieval-times “L” with fire-flames coming off it. I told him he better wait because Julius Randle is my man and he’s going to light up the Cardinals! Steven threw an empty bottle of Crown Royale against the wall and then fell into the refrigerator and knocked all the shelves down. The next morning I told him that’s what he gets for being “cocky!”
All the other lawyers at my work think it’s cute that we bicker back and forth about the Wildcats and the Cardinals, but Steven’s friends at the car wash take it super-seriously (I think one of them keyed UK BLOSE into the side of my van LOL)! This year we even have a friendly wager on the game: if UK wins I told Steven that he has to do the dishes for a year. If Louisville wins, Steven says I have to do a sexy dance and “mean it.” He’s so silly. All I know is that it’s going to be a great time Friday night and I hope our CATS bring home a victory!!!! Like if you agree!!!
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. Say, I was wondering if you had any drugs on you. You do? Really? What kinds of drugs are you carrying right this very second? Here, say it into this flower on my lapel. I see…uh huh…go on…okay, GET HIM NOW BOYS. ROLL IN. You’re under arrest for admitting that you have drugs. It’s all right here on my flower-tape-recorder. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. Have fun in jail, punk.
Friends, it’s NCAA Tournament time! That glorious time where all one needs is a couch, a remote control and a healthy appetite for mid-major basketball to enjoy the greatest weekend of the year. Of course, with the official selections released on Sunday, it’s only given the mainstream media three days in which to scramble for the storylines in the first round. I mean, how else are you going to know that Connecticut and St. Joseph’s have extensive rivalry history, or do not have extensive rivalry history at all? Today, then, I’ve delved into some of the early matchups to give you the skinny on First Round Storylines in this year’s tournament, so you’ll know exactly everything you need to know. You’re welcome. And as always, I’ll see you next week.
Iowa State (3) Vs. NC Central (14):
Although fronted by senior forward Melvin Ejim, who netted the Big 12 Player of the Year Award, Iowa State also has Deandre Kane, one of the upper-tier point guards in the country right now. They’re strong. NC Central dominated the MEAC from beginning to end this season, but it may not be enough to take out the ‘Clones. Or is it?
Duke (3) Vs. Mercer (11):
With freshman Jabari Parker as advertised, Duke’s 26-8 on the end of the year. But here’s the thing: Mercer’s also 26-8. And here’s another thing: Duke’s schedule included Syracuse and Virginia, and Mercer’s included St. Andrews and Stetson. But here’s the real thing: Mercer better make sure they’re beating Duke by more than 3 in the last three seconds of the game because, if they’re not, Duke magically wins. That’s the rule.
Baylor (6) Vs. Nebraska (11):
The Bears have won ten of their last twelve games, which signifies that they’ve hit their groove late in the season, but this is Nebraska’s first NCAA Tournament since 1998, and a lot has changed. For one, the Huskers have never seen an iPhone, or a flat screen television, and they think ER is still on the air. They will be surprised and confused by terrifying “Fat Heads” and a visibly older Jim Spanarkle. Can they hold it together to pull out a win?
Memphis (8) Vs. George Washington (9)
Every member of every Memphis player’s family died tragically while every member of every George Washington player’s family died of an illness. Also, every George Washington player was at one point told he had an injury so bad he’d never play basketball again and every Memphis player has a kind, elderly man in the crowd to watch him play who believed in him since he was a child. And one of the referees has debilitating irritable bowel syndrome and there are two cheerleaders who fell in love. And if George Washington doesn’t win the city forecloses on their mortgage.
New Mexico (7) Vs. Stanford (10)
They don’t have anything in common, but when a paperwork mixup pairs Stanford and New Mexico together as unlikely roommates in a swanky New York City high-rise apartment building, things are about to get interesting! Stanford likes Arcade Fire. New Mexico prefers a campfire! When the uppity co-op board threatens to kick them both out, they’re going to have to learn to either team up or get turned out on the street. Can they put aside their differences and work things out? Find out this fall on ABC Family.
Oregon (7) Vs. BYU (10):
You ain’t gonna believe this but Oregon was up in the club gettin’ it with Crystal’s man and BYU was all You a dog and Oregon was like You shut up so BYU texted NayNay and NayNay came down there like Where Oregon at and Oregon was all I ain’t done nothing wrong and BYU was like Uh uh I took a picture of it on my phone you can see it right here that s*** was CRAY.
Hello, friends. You look great. But somewhat different. No, I can’t put my finger on it…wait, wait. I got it. You’re wearing a suit made out of human skin, aren’t you? Looks good on you. Not everyone could pull that off.
Friends, I don’t need to remind you that tonight our beloved Cayts take on the Razorbacks of Arkansas in a rematch after the Hogs defeated us in overtime on their home court in January. Now they’re stepping onto our turf, and we’re prepared. Since we have a bone to pick, I thought this might be a good opportunity for an Instant Hate Day post of Arkansas using material from their very own website. Don’t worry, you’ll hate it. Without further ado, let’s get started, I’ll see you here next week and have a fantastic weekend, everyone. Go Cats.
Welcome to the beautiful University of Arkansas, located in picturesque Fayetteville, Arkansas — home of two Olive Gardens, a reliable city bus transit system and a newly-renovated Hampton Inn with an indoor pool open until eleven o’clock on weekends. Your adventure as a Razorback will begin here on the University of Arkansas’ lovely, vibrant campus and remain within a solid tenth of a mile radius of the campus. Feel free to roam and make yourself at home!
Pants a little tighter? Don’t worry! As a first-year student, it’s fairly natural to put on some weight during your inaugural semesters at college. This is often called “the freshman fifteen,” and it’s very common. Should you begin to gain noticeable weight, your appointed U of A first-year body image coach will educate you on the changes to your physique and offer tips on managing yourself so you don’t look like a gross, nasty beast.
Did someone say “safety?” It’s always the word of the day for the University of Arkansas Police Department. Should you need them, there are specialized call boxes located throughout campus in case someone steals your cowboy hat or rifle or you simply can’t find your Jason Aldean CD. They’re there to help! No need to thank them; just give them a chaw and they’ll be on their way. Stay safe, Razorbacks!
How does your facial hair look? Your facial hair advisor is available during weekly office hours to help coach you through the growth and maintenance of your new look. Beards, goatees, sideburns — their expertise can help with any variation. Look at this young man; he’s a regular Ronnie Dunn! Lookin’ good, buddy!
Forward-thinking ingenuity is always in order in the classrooms of the University of Arkansas — and great ideas can come to life. Here we see an industrious team and its innovative technology after receiving a $75,000 Arthur Vining Davis Grant, $67,000 of which was spent on handlebars.
Please, no hotplates in the dorms.
Scientific pursuits are constantly furthered at the University of Arkansas, with state-of-the-art laboratories and equipment, accomplished staff and university support at every turn. Whatever your dream, you can follow it in the University of Arkansas Science Departments and perhaps one day make a terrifying disease a thing of the past. Unfortunately, the student above realizes there is no known cure for T.H.O. yet — but keep working on it!
Ever pretended that you were flying on a broom in a fictional castle full of wizards? You’re not alone. The Arkansas Quidditch Team has competed against others around the country. It doesn’t matter that you’re twenty years old; your only limits are your imagination and your inability to talk to women — and your imagination will never end, Hocksney Boomblepratt (that’s your new Quidditch name!).
Visceral demonstrations make the texts of classic literature come alive! Here, it’s like this class is actually living a scene from Moby Dick!
I know what you’re thinking: You mean I can join the Collegiate Meats Quiz Team and score a free trip to see the famous Fargo, North Dakota hobo statue at the reciprocal meats conference? YES! YOU CAN!
Enjoy every day at the University of Arkansas, new Razorbacks! Cherish each morning and each new opportunity. And remember, if your grades slip we may transfer you to the University of Arkansas-Little Rock campus, where you may be killed by a terrifying demon. Go Arkansas! Woo Pig Soo-ey!
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. Have you been enjoying the Olympics? What’s that, a homemade luge? That’s really cool, I like hey wait I don’t think you should use it on this icy street it’s not – ah, well, you are probably going to die now.
Friends, if you’ve been reading the news reports on your computer or computer-phone you no doubt realize that the single biggest news story in the NCAA this week is that Oklahoma University purged itself of its sins by self-reporting secondary NCAA violations dating back to 2012 which reportedly (according to OU itself) included an assistant football coach accidentally “pocket-dialing” a recruit, a hand-drawn picture scrawled onto an envelope to a football verbal commit and three student athletes receiving exactly $3.83 worth of excess pasta at a graduation banquet. But it didn’t stop there. The list of violations on which OU tattled on itself (described by The Oklahoman newspaper here and some below) included a great many other infractions OU needed to get off its chest, and the perpetually finger-tenting NCAA was more than happy to hear it.
May 10, 2013: Three student-athletes attending a graduation banquet received pasta in excess of the permissible amount permitted by NCAA regulation.
September 12, 2012: Assistant coach Bruce Kittle pocket-dialed a recruit a day after receiving a permissible text message from the recruit.
October 3, 2013: The football staff mailed an envelope to a recruit, who was already verbally committed, that included a hand-drawn picture with the handwritten addressee information.
January 2, 2013: During a recruiting visit, a basketball recruit consumed a french fry dropped onto the desk of assistant coach Steve Henson while Henson was out of the room. Carefully recounting of the remaining french fries upon his return, Henson requested that the recruit donate the estimated $0.03 for the consumed french fry to the charity of his choice (American Donkey Shelters).
August 3, 2012: Football assistant coach Tim Kish was attempting to solve a complex and challenging “brain teaser” posed to him by Special Teams Coach Jay Boulware which involved randomized a sequence of numbers, which Kish typed into his phone to remember. These resulting numbers happened to be the phone number of recruit Jonathan Alvarez, who over heard a conversation about how “awesome” he was and how Kish and Boulware thought he would be “the coolest guy on the team.”
October 12, 2012: While visiting relatives in Arcadia, Oklahoma assistant basketball coach Chris Crutchfield was talking aloud to himself at a Cold Stone Creamery that “OU would really love to land point guard Jordan Woodard,” unaware that Woodard was at that moment behind the counter creating Crutchfield’s Personalized Ice Cream Experience™.
July 9, 2012: During a family vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Basketball assistant coach Lew Hill consigned an air-brushed T-shirt bearing the imagined likeness of high school basketball recruit Darrell Paulson dunking a basketball in a University of Oklahoma uniform. The owner of the T-shirt shop, impressed with the realism of the artist’s rendition, asked Hill if he could take a photo of it an display it on the wall. Two months later Paulson, on vacation with friends to Myrtle Beach, saw the photo on the wall while visiting the same T-shirt shop.
March 30, 2013: While taking a private plane lesson to log flying hours at a training facility in Bakersfield, California, a series of potentially dangerous emergencies in the air inadvertently led to Men’s Soccer assistant coach Graeme Abel spelling out the words “PLEASE COME TO OU JOSH GALLOWAY” in the sky over the home of Bakersfield High School soccer recruit Josh Galloway.
September 25, 2013: During a recruiting visit, Women’s Soccer recruit Allison Toller ate at the Norman, Oklahoma restaurant Asian Wok Buffet at a price within the permissible amount of money spent on a recruiting visit. Her fortune cookie’s fortune read “You will attend OU on a partial scholarship.” Our compliance office is still looking into it.