Last week, John Calipari and the Kentucky staffed reached out to Isaiah Briscoe, a five-star →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
Hello, friends. How are you? What have you been up to? Hey, why aren’t you talking? Hello? Friend? Wait a minute this IS A MANNEQUIN DRESSED AS YOU. Oh, there you are! Ha! You got me. I totally fell for it. Good one. Where did you get a mannequin?
Friends, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the line for Big Blue Madness tickets is in up and running and Tent City is in full force. If you’ve never been to Tent City, it’s kind of like Bonnaroo for the types of people you might see at your local barber shop. You have to get there early to get in line or you’re sunk — and getting a good place in line isn’t easy. That’s why it’s fortunate, then, that the hip new app Airbnb has begun to list open tent spaces in Tent City for those seeking accommodations. If you’re not familiar with Airbnb, it essentially allows you rent a room, a house, a space or just a bed for the night from someone who has an extra one open, and for a predetermined fee. But what spaces are available on Airbnb for Tent City 2014? And how are the reviews? Let’s look at some potential candidates in a piece we’ll call Airbnb Reviews from Tent City, shall we, and see if there are any deals out there? Enjoy, friends, and I’ll see you here next week.
Orange Tent, Northwest Corner
About this listing:
Spacious mylar tent sleeps three, offers moon flap and vented windows. Easy access in and out, light and airy.
Nearest Restroom: 45 feet
“Not bad, close to Qdoba”
by Marion P.
Linda and Tad were great hosts; they had Nutri-Grain bars and Capri-Suns for when we needed a snack and they really made us feel at home. Comfortable, warm. Will be back. Four stars.
Peaceful Oasis in Tent City, Close to Memorial
About this listing: Large, comfortable four-person dome tent, 63 square feet, with fiberglass poles and WeatherTec moisture repellent system.
Check-in time: 2:00 pm
“Great tent except for Gary”
by Jennifer H.
Was recommended to this tent by friends. Very nice tent but host Gary kept trying to hold my hand. Woke in the middle of the night to him watching me sleep; insisted on calling the tent “Smoochville” and trying to kiss me as he claimed to be the “Mayor of Smoochville.” Good tickets not worth this. Some underwear may still be missing. Avoid at all costs.
Great Spot for Superfans, Center of Tent City
About this listing: True Blue fans host other Wildcat supporters in six-person tent with zippered doors and cushioned tarp floor. Wind-resistent walls/roof.
Accepts Credit Cards?: Yes
Cancellation policy: 24 hour notice
“Perfect for Willie Cauley-Stein fans”
by Charles O.
Debra and Steve seemed really cool at first, big fans of Willie Cauley-Stein; later in the evening they started showing me pictures they drew of Willie as a half-man, half-dragon and reading fan fiction about him as a space wizard in love with a human woman named “Moonwolf” (clearly supposed to be Debra). When they told me they’d pay me $5,000 if I kidnapped him I called a friend to come pick me up. They are keeping my deposit and I’m okay with that.
Luxury Camping Above-Ground
About this listing: Heavy-duty polymer material, rainfly, metal pole support, sky-vue window
Minimum Stay: 1 night
“Wayne Just Tried to Kill Me”
by Brad M.
Can somebody please tell the police I’m in the back of a truck tent and my host wayne just told me tried to give me a WILDCATS 2014 tattoo with a paperclip and when I refused he said he was going to murder me i convinced him to let me have time to write this review and im using it as my message for help im behind the papa johns please somebody help me two stars will not use this location again
Compact and Cozy
About this listing: Petite turnkey tent with great Memorial Coliseum view; friendly host.
“This Tent is for a Dog”
by Lawrence P.
Do not be fooled by the photo; this is a tent made for a dog. The picture is of a small dog, not a regular size tent with just a very large dog, like I thought. It is a very misleading picture and if you are a normal-sized human this is not the tent for you. The dog is very cute, however. And the view of Memorial is nice.That part is accurate.
De-stress and relax in peace!
About this listing: Woven polymer material, rain/wind resistant
“What is this thing?”
(no stars) by Shane T.
Too small. I want my money back. Body got cold during night. I better get great tickets for this. Next year will be getting in line early, with my own tent.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©11:41 am
With the smash Guardians of the Galaxy essentially walking off the summer blockbuster crown for 2014, ticket sales are starting to wind down a bit as the film runs its course. Still making the rounds is the Guardians soundtrack, which has topped Billboard charts at number one and still sits high at number three after six weeks. Surely the soundtrack — which boasts classic rock and soul from the likes of The Runaways, Marvin Gaye and Redbone — is the most successful single soundtrack in recent months, perhaps even years. But the smash soundtrack — or even the very well-cobbled soundtrack — certainly is nothing new in 2014. Let’s take a look at a gaggle of must-have movie soundtracks, soundtracks that you should own and some which might surprise you.
SOUNDTRACKS YOU MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW
Forrest Gump (1994)
Few film soundtracks have made their way into as many collections over the past thirty years as the eras-spanning collection found on the two-disc Forrest Gump soundtrack. Winding its way, like its titular hero, from Elvis Presley’s 50′s to Bob Seger’s early 80′s, it’s as much a history lesson as a damn good compendium of American music.
Come for: “Volunteers,” Jefferson Airplane
Stay for: “Sloop John B,” The Beach Boys
Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Whether you like disco or not, it’s impossible to argue that the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack isn’t a master class on the short-lived genre. A host of Bee Gees songs dominate the track list, as it probably should, but sprinkled in are great gems from Kool and the Gang and K.C. & the Sunshine band as well. It’s a fine set o’ tunes. Even if disco’s dead.
Come for: “Night Fever,” The Bee Gees
Stay for: “Night on Disco Mountain,” David Shire
George Lucas’ valentine to 1950′s America has a soundtrack that’s possibly even more encompassing than the massively famous cast itself. If you want the definitive, A-to-Z lesson on all rock and blues in the 50′s, this is absolutely it. Buy it for yourself, your children, your grandchildren. It’s simply music everyone should have in the arsenal.
Come for: “Chantilly Lace,” The Big Bopper
Stay for: “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes,” The Platters
What, you thought the Pulp Fiction soundtrack wouldn’t make the must-have list? Shame on you. While Tarantino practically invented the organic “soundtrack event” with the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack, he blew out the entire concept while (admittedly) writing specific tracks into various specific scenes of the film. Put it on and let it play.
Come for: “If Love is a Red Dress,” Maria McKee
Stay for: “Flowers on the Wall,” The Statler Brothers
Martin Scorsese is an absolute expert at two things: making movies and picking soundtracks for those movies. His selections for the mob autobiography Goodfellas captures both the romance of Henry Hill’s early forays into the 50′s mafia and continue to the frenetic 1970′s end of his run. All is accounted for here, combining for a musical experience as strong as the movie itself.
Come for: “Rags to Riches,” Tony Bennett
Stay for: “Mannish Boy,” Muddy Waters
The Blues Brothers was an SNL character film that somehow broke free and ended up as one of the great action-comedies of all time. It’s also, as the Belushi and Aykroyd were themselves, a sound delivery system of blues, gospel and soul music. Upbeat and solid, the soundtrack is all high points from old-school masters.
Come for: “The Old Landmark,” James Brown
Stay for: “Minnie the Moocher,” Cab Calloway
Under the guidance of Grammy-winner T-Bone Burnett, the soundtrack to the Coen Brothers’ Odysseus-esque, Depression-era comedy became the go-to collection for the hippest folks in the room. A great combo of folk music, bluegrass, blues and country, the soundtrack is alternately peaceful, deep and funny.
Come for: “Down to the River to Pray,” Allison Krauss
Stay for: “Big Rock Candy Mountain,” Harry McClintock
SOUNDTRACKS YOU SHOULD OWN RIGHT NOW
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Feeling twee? Here ya go. Whether you thought the Deschanel/Gordon-Levitt indie darling was deserving of its praise or not, it’s got a strong soundtrack. From Temper Trap to Hall & Oates, it’s a good mix of alternately moody and sunny sounds to wear your porkpie hat or Che Guevara Urban Outfitters t-shirt to.
Come for: “Here Comes Your Man,” The Pixies
Stay for: “Us,” Regina Spektor
Whether you love Wes Anderson or not — and he can be divisive — the man knows how to put a soundtrack together. Rushmore’s is heavy on the British Invasion, sprinkling Mark Mothersbaugh’s distinctive score among tracks by The Who, The Kinks, Cat Stevens and The Faces. Eclectic, rousing and positive, like all Anderson soundtracks.
Come for: “A Quick One While He’s Away,” The Who
Stay for: “Making Time,” The Creation
In collating the Mallrats soundtrack, director Kevin Smith put together a strong sampling of dissenting, almost tongue-in-cheek mall-rock to match up with the comedy. It’s not a lot of “big hits,” but each sounds like it could have been. Bonus: for a long time it was the only place to get Weezer’s “Suzanne,” which in my opinion is absolutely one of the band’s greatest songs.
Come for: “Line Up,” Elastica
Stay for: “Build Me Up Buttercup,” The Goops
A gritty soundtrack to pair with Hype Williams’ gritty urban drama about crime and drugs, Belly is a great cross-section of turn-of-the-millenium hip-hop with a who’s who kind of lineup. A lot of credit here goes to Sean “Puffy” Combs, or whatever he called himself back then, for bringing some big hitters in for a strong soundtrack.
Come for: “Grand Finale,” DMX, Method Man, Nas and Ja-Rule
Stay for: “Windpipe,” Wu-Tang Clan
I can hear you laughing, and you’re wrong. Whatever you think this soundtrack might be like, I guarantee it’s better than you think. 90′s pop-hipsters like Supergrass, Cracker, Counting Crows, Jill Sobule and Luscious Jackson combine for a high-energy collection that deserves a place in any music collection.
Come for: “Fake Plastic Trees,” Radiohead
Stay for: “All the Young Dudes,” World Party
The Breakfast Club (1985)
While the premier teen 1980′s movie may not have the greatest 80′s soundtrack, bear in mind that there really weren’t a lot of 80′s movies that did boast a great hits-filled 80′s soundtrack. You’ll be very pleased with what’s here, though, and you’ll recognize it when you hear it. Plus — c’mon — “(Don’t You) Forget About Me?” If you hate that, you’re simply a monster. A monster!
Come for: “We Are Not Alone,” Karla DeVito
Stay for: “Fire in the Twilight,” Wang Chung
SOUNDTRACKS YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR
If you’ve seen this movie, I don’t have to tell you how special and great and underseen by the rest of your friends it is. The same can be said about the soundtrack. Warm, stacked and (I daresay) even romantic, the wealth of really solid tracks and artists on the Beautiful Girls soundtracks is stellar, from The Spinners to the Afghan Wigs. Really, check it out.
Come for: “Me and Mrs. Jones,” Billy Paul
Stay for: “Beth,” Kiss
Two versions of alt-classic “There She Goes” bookend this soundtrack — one by the Boo Radleys and the original by the La’s — but its filled out by a Toad the Wet Sprocket, Chris Whitley and the Darling Buds. Plus it features Big Audio Dynamite II’s “Rush,” which is simply one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s really all you need to know.
Come for: “Two Princes,” The Spin Doctors
Stay for: “Saturday Night,” Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
The ska/swing movement left us almost as soon as it began, but if you’re having trouble locating all your Less Than Jake or Skank’n Pickle albums these days, just pick up the soundtrack to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s BASEketball for all your ska and big band needs. And Reel Big Fish covers A-Ha’s “Take On Me,” which is worth the price of admission.
Come for: “Jump In Line,” Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
Stay for: “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful,” Nerf Herder
Go ahead and laugh, but this is could easily fit into the “must-haves” list based on its late 70′s/early 80′s country pedigree alone. Get this lineup: Bob Seger. Boz Scaggs. Jimmy Buffett. The Charlie Daniels Band. The Eagles. It might as well be called “Now That’s What I Call Easy Listening Country Music 1979!” Why are you still sitting here? Go. GO!
Come for: “Lookin’ for Love,” Johnny Lee
Stay for: “Here Comes the Hurt Again,” Mickey Gilley
“I’m familiar with a lot of guys, hang out with those guys. A couple of my teammates actually went to Florida, so I’m familiar with a lot of those guys. It’s going to be fun walking out with a victory and rubbing it in their faces.”
-JoJo Kemp on Saturday’s Florida game
“…Like I told him yesterday, ‘You think they’re gonna hear all that? They’re gonna hear the last five seconds of what you said’….I don’t think that was very smart.”
-UK Football Coach Stoops on JoJo Kemp’s comments about his friends who play for Florida
Hello, friends. You look well. That’s a very fashionable scarf. No, really. It’s very nice. Why is it…oh, you’re presenting on the new Apple iPhone 6 telecast? Well, good for you. No, I think people are really going to like it. It looks cool.’
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend is going to be a reality check for the Wildcats as they face the almost-always-fairly-intimidating Florida Gators. UT-Martin and Ohio may have gone down [relatively] easy, but rest assured the boys in blue and orange most certainly will not. Unfortunately, a kerfluffle has erupted in the past few days concerning a quote taken out of context by Kentucky running back JoJo Kemp, who — while joking about his high school friends from Florida — made a comment seen by the Florida football community as a shot across the bow. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not the first time the well-meaning JoJo has been misquoted to controversial extent in the media. You will probably remember these other regrettable quotes from last season in a piece we’ll call The (Mis)Quotable JoJo Kemp. Enjoy, I’ll see you next week, and Go Cats.
On Vanderbilt — November 13, 2013
Kemp: I feel really good about Saturday’s Vandy game, and I feel like everyone’s firing on all cylinders right now and that we’re really clicking. I truly believe that, just as I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. (laughs) I don’t really, that’s a joke. It’s not like I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. It would be crazy to say that, wouldn’t it? Crazy to say “Nickelback is the greatest band in history.”
On Missouri — November 4
Reporter: How do you feel about Missouri’s one-loss season so far? Does it make you nervous?
Kemp: No, no. You know, it doesn’t make me nervous. But they are good. Are they the best in the SEC? I don’t know. That’s a tough thing to definitively say, you know? You can’t just go making definitive statements until everything is said and done, right? I mean, that’s why I’m certainly not going around saying, quote, “I, JoJo Kemp, am 100% certain that America faked the moon landing,” unquote.
On Alabama State — November 1, 2013
Kemp: Do we need this win? Absolutely. Any win right now is invaluable to us. Why wouldn’t we need this win? It’s absolutely something we need at this point in time, unlike the United States Postal Service.
On South Carolina — October 2, 2013
Kemp: South Carolina’s a very strong team, but I really think we’re strong enough right now to take them down.
Reporter: It’s supposed to be hot on Saturday, how will you cope with the heat?
Kemp: (laughs) I am going to keep my water bottle full of pure spring water because I do not believe that the government should dictate whether the controlled addition of fluoride should be introduced to our potable water supply.
On Georgia — November 19, 2013
Kemp: Sure, Georgia’s good. Not as good as they usually are, but they’re good. It’ll be a fair fight but I think we’re going to come out on top. All we have to do is play the best game we can play and put some points on the board. Also, The Wire isn’t that great of a TV show.
On Alabama — October 10, 2013
Kemp: When we go out there, we’re just gonna make our routine plays and they’re gonna get scored on this week. (laughs)
Reporter: “You’re guaranteeing it?
Kemp: Oh yeah, I’m guaranteeing it.
Reporter: How many times?
Kemp: Kentucky will score 487 touchdowns.
Last Year: 2013 was a rough year for Graham, as he had that one night where he got really drunk at the Alabama State game and his foot went through that sewer grate, requiring some minor medical attention. He also was really into the Black Keys then, and talked about them all the time; it was really annoying. You remember.
This Year’s Outlook: If Graham’s going to be valuable at a tailgate, he’s going to have to stop telling everyone about his gallbladder surgery over the summer — we’ve all heard the story and it’s gross and we don’t care. Graham is on the bubble for the 2014 season; he could turn out a great tailgating season or he could blow it all by mid-September.
What the Media is Saying: “Graham is one to watch on Saturday, because it’s really a make-or-break day for him. If he brings his A-game and can just be cool about things, that’s good. If he has more than four bourbons, all bets are off — we wouldn’t want to be cleaning up that mess. And who’s he into these days? Ed Sheeran? Yeah, he best just leave all that at home.”
Last Year: Rick had a great thing going in 2013; despite a long trip in from western KY on Game Day he was pretty good about rallying. We won’t soon forget his scathing “Taylor Hudson Sucks” chant about the Vanderbilt punter or the colorful and creative impromptu songs he made up about Alabama’s Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix. He only urinated in his pants twice that we know of, a strong uptick since 2012 when that was a frequent occurrence.
This Year’s Outlook: Rick has a new truck, a crew cab F450 adorned with UK magnets, and has been boasting an optimistic outlook on Stoops & company for the new season. “Rick said he’s going to get tore up this year,” said his longtime friend Charles Ray, “but not so tore up that he doesn’t make it to the game. That’s big for him. He means it.”
What the Media is Saying: “Tailgating with Rick is like drinking Chardonnay at a wedding. It’s fine because it’s there, but cross the line and it’s just too much. Sure, he’s really fun when he’s leading everyone in a chorus of ‘Country Girl (Shake it for Me)’, but the next thing you know he’s shoving you by the shoulder and telling you nobody wants you there. You can have too much of a good thing. Let’s hope he keeps things in the green zone for 2014 and we don’t have a repeat of the messy ‘Big & Rich has still got it’ fiasco of 2013.”
Last Year: Shawn P. struggled during halftime rushes at the north concourse concession stand, a problem which led to write-ups from Brad twice during the season; he regularly suffered from customer complaints of not enough ice and the occasional “being creepy.” Also, he had the unappetizing habit of regularly putting his thumb into a customer’s ice cream cone, something he claims was an accident because “the cones are too small for his hands.”
This Year’s Outlook: This year has seen some changes which should help Shawn P. — not the least of which is a relocation to the lower south concourse, requested because his staring was making Brittany uncomfortable. This stand boasts a new cheese dispenser, which should be easier to maneuver, and fill line marked inside the cups this year will serve as a benchmark for the amount of soda to provide.
What the Media is Saying: “Shawn has the rare opportunity to really turn things around for himself this year. For starters, no one else at his location is into anime, which should cut down on the distracting small talk. He’ll also be second in command by seniority, which should help put him into a leadership role. All of this can change for Shawn P., but only if he can keep that weird white dried up spittle from collecting in the corners of his mouth. He has to keep an eye on that if he wants to succeed, because no one wants to see that; it’s nasty.”
Last Year: Tracy’s 2013 started strong but really took a downturn in late October; she was really fun to be around for the first few games, and her friends were okay too, but then she broke up with Cameron and things really took a dark turn for her. She was constantly asking people what Cameron was doing, and whether he was hooking up with anyone else, and then she brought that guy everyone hated to the Tennessee tailgate and told us all she loved him and that he was so much better than Cameron. Whatever. We all knew she was just looking for attention from Cameron.
This Year’s Outlook: Tracy had a fling with one of the guys at her apartment complex over the summer so she seems pretty happy at the moment; his name’s Tad and I guess he’s okay even if he seems like kind of a chode. Anyway, we better get used to him because he’s going to be around every tailgate. Cameron’s with Serena now, and I don’t know if Tracy knows that yet — when she finds out she might go crazy. So, you know, 2014 is going to be interesting.
What the Media is Saying: “If Tracy’s really over Cameron, like she says, she might have a shot at being a solid tailgater in 2014. If not, look for more of her crying and being weird, like that really sad moment last season she was hitting herself in the head with the barbecue tongs and telling herself she didn’t deserve to be loved. Could go either way for Tracy this season.”
Last Year: Keith brought Duke to every tailgate.
This Year’s Outlook: Keith will bring Duke to every tailgate again, and Duke will just stand there and occasionally eat a hot dog or some chips that fell on the ground. So look for more of the same from Duke in 2014.
What the Media is Saying: “Look, everyone knows Duke’s only here because Keith has to be the cool guy who brings his dog everywhere. And that’s fine, I guess. We all get it, just like we get that Keith goes hiking and eats quinoa and bikes around. Yeah, fine, okay, you’re outdoorsy. Leave the dog at home, Keith.”
Where am I? pic.twitter.com/FMXCxMflwr
— John Calipari (@UKCoachCalipari) August 19, 2014
Hello, Friends. Sup brah? Are you living large? How is it twerking? Ham? How’s my bae? I’m sorry, I can’t talk like this anymore.
Friends, this week marks likely the last week of light coverage before Kentucky sports EXPLODES, beginning with a titanic showdown against UT-Martin to open the UK Football season and slowly, we can assume, segueing into October when — if what we saw over the last week and a half is to be believed — we will all be the happiest people in the college basketball world. It’s going to be wonderful, to be sure. Until then, this week is this week; and luckily for us Cal has put together some fun games to play while we wait for the sports seasons to begin. They’re all very mysterious, but he clearly seems to enjoy them. He’s like the Riddler. If you’re not a follower of Coach’s Twitter feed, we’ve been subjected to several photos with enigmatic questions posed beneath. Today, I’ve collected those photos for you in one place so you and your friends can play the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz. Get the family together and have a great time! And as always, we’ll see you next week for a little UT-Martin fun.
Q: Where am I?
Q: Who is this?
Q: Where is this?
Q: What is this?
Q: Why are we here?
Q: What is that smell?
Q: How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?
Q: What’s eating Gilbert Grape?
Q: Are you going to finish that?
Q: Have you driven a Ford lately?
Q: What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
Q: Who up orlando?
Hello, friends. Look, I got your nose! Ha, ha! No, I didn’t really. No, you still have a nose. Look, this is my thumb. Sorry, it was just a joke. No, I didn’t realize that was a sensitive subject with you. I’ll certainly not do that again, and I apologize.
Friends, if you’re no stranger to this blog then you already realize that the world domination of the 2014-2015 Kentucky Wildcats has found its origin point at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas, where these young ‘Cats are putting on quite the show for audiences across the nation. It’s all very, very exciting — but I don’t need to tell you that. Friends, the next on our list of targets is none other than the Dominican Republic, which led me to doing some research. Today, then, let’s pull some tourism shots for the country and learn about the Dominican Republic, shall we? We shall. See you next week, and go Cats.
Welcome to the Dominican Republic! Our sun-kissed beaches and hot romantic nights will no doubt ensure a lovely visit for you and yours during your stay in our fair country. We are also not Puerto Rico, so if you have arrived here on accident please alert your travel advisor immediately so you can get where you need to go. Buses and boats run hourly.
Go ahead, snap a selfie! After all, you’re in one of the most beautiful island nations in the world! Our official photographers will also be on hand to snap a commemorative photo of your selfie, which will be available in the gift shop for purchase. You don’t want to miss these beautiful memories!
Rent a car and just cruise around! There’s nothing like exploring Dominica for yourself with your best friends. Take pictures of the beach, smile, laugh and enjoy life on “island time!”*
*Please watch the road at all times.
Enjoy one of our leisurely cruises while staying in the Dominican Republic, where you may encounter sea turtles, dolphins or breathtaking coral reefs! All of these people have taken a break from sightseeing and are peeing in the water. Go ahead, it’s okay! No one will get upset with you!
Please stay abreast of all rules and regulations set forth by the government while staying within the borders of the Dominican Republic. Notable offenses include “having worries!” and “not jammin’”! Just kidding. Murder, extortion and assault are actual offenses and punishable by extradition and will be treated with to the utmost extent of the law.
Should you find yourself under arrest in the Dominican Republic (and we hope you won’t!), you will be enslaved in one of Dominica’s floating water prisons, of which there is no escape. Your home country will be notified and they will need to send a rescue team before you drown.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to romance — Dominican style! Many on-location pieces and travel segments for ABC’s The Bachelorette have been filmed over the years, so fancy yourself a “bachelorette” of your own by taking a vacation from your job at accounts receivable, ditch those sweat pants and tell your family you’re going to “get your groove back” in the Dominican Republic! Don’t worry, we will not judge the sadness of your situation! We see it all the time! In fact, it accounts for nearly 1/3 of our economy!
Or perhaps you want to treat your spouse to a week away in paradise…we’ve got you covered! Hang out at the pool bar and have a great time. Arturo, your bartender, will keep you refreshed with delicious rum-based beach drinks. Don’t worry that he hates you and wishes you’d stop talking about Restoration Hardware and Orange is the New Black. He just wants you to have a great time!
Oh my! Looks like this lucky tourist made a new friend in one of the many seals who call Dominica home! You never know what you’ll find here in your exotic island travels!
This is taking things too far. Please, during your time here, know the limits between human and wildlife. Sometimes a seal kiss is just a kiss and should not be interpreted as any kind of invitation for more.
Ocean excursions are some of the most fun you’ll ever have in the water! Explore the Atlantic on one of our many recreational “banana boats” with your family and friends and see the ocean like you’ve never seen it before!
*The likelihood of this occurring is very slim, we assure you.
Head down to the Dominican Republic today for a vacation like you’ve never experienced! We can’t wait to meet, greet and entertain you and know a Dominican getaway will be just what you need. See you soon!
(Official photographs of selfies are available in gift shop.)
Hello, Friends. You’re looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. Proctologist appointment? I thought so. I can always tell with you.
Friends, last week we looked at the first part of our abridged North American Field Guide to SEC Football Fans and had a lot of fun. This week let’s dip back in to mostly finish things off in its companion sequel, shall we? We certainly shall. If you’re traveling to the Bahamas, be careful, have fun, and send me a postcard. Or any souvenir that says “WE BE JAMMIN’” on it. If such a souvenir exists in Jamaica. I don’t know if it does.
Distinguishing Marks: Sunglasses tan-line (male), breast augmentation (female only)
What To Know: While the college-aged Crimson Tide fan has plenty of reason to celebrate each new football season, the elder Alabama fan lives in a constant state of arrested development — desperately trying to recapture his glory years at each tailgate, sportsbar or family cookout. Let them have this. They live in Alabama; they need this.
Tips: Cross them at your own peril, because there’s no way you’ll have the last word. Best just to flip them off as you drive past in your car, then you won’t have to hear them.
Distinguishing Marks: Hooping, hollering, ripping, roaring.
What To Know: Did you know Texas A&M fans are from Texas, and love Texas? You will soon enough, because they won’t stop talking about it for one second. Aggie fans listen to the same country music as everyone else but claim all good country music for themselves as “Texas Country” and it is strictly forbidden for females of the species to wear anything but cowboy boots and short shorts. Many did not know how to dance until a hip high school transfer student took on the stodgy adults of their hometowns.
Tips: It is a waste of time to ask a Texas A&M fan where he or she is from, because it is undoubtedly a town with a population of 7,000 people in Texas and you’ve never heard of it.
Distinguishing Marks: Mini-van, Crocs
What To Know: Auburn is essentially University of Alabama football for nice families. This is because a degree from Auburn means just enough to get a good job, build a decent-sized home in an emerging Birmingham neighborhood and have two to three children: son dressed in a non-player-specific jersey, toddler daughter dressed as a cheerleader. Not harmful.
Tips: To get an Auburn fan to stop talking about the Food Network, simply toss some iTunes gift cards on the ground.
Distinguishing Marks: Blazers, baseball caps, sense of entitlement
What To Know: It is a statistical fact that 75-80% of male Ole Miss students resemble the rich kids from Scent of a Woman. Two out of three Ole Miss fans are on the J. Crew mailing list. Also, a brunette female at Ole Miss is considered to be a hideous mutant.
Tips: The only Ole Miss fans who can talk with you about the strength of Ole Miss’ football program are over seventy years old.
Distinguishing Marks: Blue jeans, work boots, wallet chain
What To Know: The embarrassing cousin to Ole Miss, Bulldogs fans are well meaning and jovial but don’t know when to quit. Tailgates end when someone falls through the table. Everyone’s having fun until Melissa falls down the stairs and cries. They party hard and crash harder.
Tips: A recent study revealed that the average Mississippi State fan actually thinks the word “dog” is spelled “dawg.”
Distinguishing Marks: Getting ‘er done, sleeveless shirts, eyes > teeth
What To Know: The Razorback fan secretly hates football season because it cuts into his noodling time. If you want to listen to music in his truck he has both Creed AND Puddle of Mudd; he has given more shirtless fistbumps than hugs to family and loved ones. Loves being a “crazy man,” and expects you to “know it.”
Tips: Do not put your fingers near an Arkansas fan’s mouth EVER.
Distinguishing Marks: age 26 and under: cargo shorts; 27-40: poorly executed UK ankle tattoo; 50+: decorative sweater/oversized button
What To Know: Don’t be put off by all the basketball gear these fans are wearing, you are actually at a football game. Tailgates, however, provide a great opportunity to talk about basketball. Traditionally, many fans don’t make it inside Commonwealth Stadium in time for kick-off or at all. Currently optimistic, but this has been known to change in the past.
Tips: Beware the Kentucky fan on the rare Keeneland-Football-Big-Blue-Madness-Weekend Trifecta, for he may literally try to drink you.
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I think you have some strawberry jelly around your mouth. No, not there. Not there. There. Yes. Oh, my. That’s a rash. You should have that looked at. Where would you even get a rash like that?
Friends, football season is swiftly approaching — but I don’t need to tell you that. Stoops Fever has captured the Big Blue Nation and this fall sees another opportunity for Kentucky Football to begin rebuilding itself to the perennially successful program it has the potential to be. It’s not going to be easy; I’m not going to lie to you. You know, as well as I do, that SEC football is a gauntlet of impressive assassins, and over the next few years we’re going to have to face them all head-on if we want to claim a spot at the top of the pile. For us, the fans, this also means dealing with the fan bases of these teams. So since it’s late July, nothing much is going on, and I know you guys love off-topic posts, I thought today we’d start off a two-part series updating a piece we began a few years back: our Field Guide to identifying the SEC fans we’ve come to know over the years. Have a great weekend, everyone, and I’ll see you here again next week.
Distinguishing Marks: Visor, Parrothead vanity plate, Croakies tan line, flip-flops
What to know: The Florida fan is mostly bluster on dry land; his true territory is on his boat. That said, the Florida fan — as most Florida natives — can be prone to momentary insanity. Best not to provoke the Florida fan lest he bite your earlobe off or try to run you over with a skid steer. It won’t make sense, of course, don’t question it. That is the nature of the Floridian. Their leathery, damaged skin is thick and coarse. Do not pet them.
Tips: If you are being pursued by a Florida fan, tossing a few can coozies in the opposite direction will almost certainly throw them off your trail.
Distinguishing Marks: Ironic Sperrys, “athletic fit” button-downs, glasses
What to know: Vanderbilt fans are among the “hippest” in the SEC due to their Nashville insulation. They are Tennesseeans but not rural, they are Nashvillians who prefer St. Vincent to Luke Bryan. They are generally fairly quiet, but will attack if they feel their favorite neighborhood organic nacho restaurant is being threatened. They don’t expect much from their football team so they rarely have darker moments following losses. A victory may lead to alcohol poison for the Vanderbilt fan, however, as a few more celebratory Magic Hats to kick things up a notch may ensue.
Tips: You may think a Vanderbilt fan is listening to the words you are speaking but all he hears is acid trance music.
Distinguishing Marks: Tribal tattoo, unwashed cargo shorts, open mouth
What to know: The South Carolina fan goes nowhere without a 20 oz. Diet Coke bottle full of dip spit in one hand and a 32 oz. McDonald’s cup full of vodka and Sprite in the other. Caps tend to be worn backward, shirts tend to be removed at some point, a pervasive sense of partying follows the Gamecock fan wherever he goes. Look for this fan to be shouting from the tailgate of a pickup truck pre-game and lying unconscious in the mud beneath its tire at kickoff.
Tips: The average South Carolina fan knows a guy who drank a fifth of SoCo and partied with Kenny Chesney. DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT THIS.
Distinguishing Marks: Older age, high income bracket, expensive winnebago
What to know: The average traveling LSU fan, as noted above, is 60 years old, a successful doctor close to retiring who has the expendable income to purchase a high-level RV to take him, his doctor friends and his 45 year-old “trophy wife” in a big hat to away games on weekends. They are relatively harmless and keep to themselves for the most part.
Tips: Befriend the traveling LSU tailgating fan, as they spend a lot of money on higher-quality food than what you and your friends are eating.
Distinguishing Marks: Male – Red pants, navy blazer, bow tie, no socks, loafers, father’s credit card; Female – blonde, sundress, bulldog paw cutely painted on cheek.
What to know: The Georgia football fan generally fancies himself a higher breed and caliber than his peers, has a father in real estate development and likes to think of himself as an “southern gentleman.” Pays little attention to the game but has good seats. Once drunk, he gets depressed and cries as his girlfriend makes out with a girl.
Tips: The average Georgia fan loves the book and movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and believes that’s how people from Georgia are supposed to be. It’s not, and it’s ridiculous.
Distinguishing Marks: Camouflage, neon “hunter orange” instead of “Volunteer Orange,” Oakley wraparound sunglasses
What to know: Tennessee fans cannot be reasoned with and hate you, whoever you are, if you are not a Tennessee fan. Still talks about Peyton. Travels to your home field but acts as if he can’t stand to be there. Owns three or more Duck Dynasty-branded items which are not hunting implements or clothing. Tells you to “come on over here then and say it to his face” when you haven’t said anything. Has more than five punch-holes in the drywall of his garage.
Tips: Never touch the Tennessee fan’s truck balls. You could be murdered for that.
From: Ray “Rock” Oliver, Strength Coach
To: Kentucky Men’s Basketball Coaching Staff, Men’s Basketball Team
Re: Changes to Strength Training Schedule (Effective Immediately)
July 24, 2013
Coaching Staff and Players,
As you’re by now probably aware, hot yoga has recently been added to the pre-season regimen. This suggestion recently came to us from former player Randall Cobb, who recommended it as a worthwhile way to strengthen muscle control and elasticity. We’ve done the research and run the numbers and the statistical results seem to be there, so we feel like it is a good addition to the training schedule. This “alternative approach” to strengthening and agility has spurred our staff to look into some other possibilities which we will be adding to the schedule in the near future. These will include:
-Below-Zero Zumba: Combining the muy caliente moves of hip-hop and samba dance with the muscle-tightening physiology of movement in sub-freezing temperatures, this technique will help to replicate the feeling of tensed muscle which continually need loosening. Once the body is trained with a sense memory to continually be in the process of loosening these muscles at all times the body can begin to perform at its most peak level. Parkas will be provided.
-Underwater Jazzercise: A proven fusion of jazz dance and resistance training, each sixty-minute underwater jazzercise session will include intermitten air breaks and waterproof earphones as you both melt away the pounds and create your body into a stronger, leaner machine to the tunes of acclaimed jazzercise musicians The Hugh Price Experience and Quiet Fire.
-Crab soccer: Supporting limber joints and muscles is key to preparing your body for the season ahead, so a round-robin crab soccer tournament will begin on August 7 and continue in a double-elimination fashion in heats until August 29. This is not a place for laughing and horsing around. Horsing around will begin on September 4.
-Horsing around: Tapping into the feral nature of athleticism, we will engage in exercises designed to connect to your spirit horse, a free creature pushing its endurance to the limit as it tames the open fields of your mind. These exercises will both include emulation of and connection to the unbridled horse which lives inside your soul.
-Spinning: Stationary bicycle riding with a weighted flywheel at increasing intervals.
-Spinning: Spinning around in the dark with glowsticks to ambient chill music as you raise your consciousness to the universe and its many unparalleled wonders.
-Respect to Gaia: No strength and agility would be possible at all without blessings from Earth Mother Goddess Gaia, birth giver to the gods of the sea and sky. Awaken your soul with her abundant gifts and drink from the cup of blessings bestowed upon you while you bask in the loving gratitude of the togetherness of earth and her eternal sustainability. Also three sets of squats.
See you in the weight room!
Barnhart: Is everyone here? Let’s get this conference call started.
Johnson (by phone): I’m here.
Perkins (by phone): Here.
Goldman (by phone): I’m here also.
Barnhart: Great. I spoke with you each earlier in the week prior to this meeting about generating some ideas which would help create an improved game day experience for Commonwealth Stadium in 2014, since we’re all very excited about what Coach Stoops is doing and what we can accomplish this year. I hope everyone had some time to think on this and come up with some ideas to discuss. Anyone?
Johnson: Generally, people tune out during the quarter breaks when our student programs and majors are brought onto the field. Perhaps if they performed some sort of bit of entertainment it might help liven the atmosphere.
Perkins: Maybe having the vocal department majors sing a little song.
Johnson: Right. Or the physics department blow something up with their new laser.
Perkins: Like a watermelon.
Goldman: Or like an piñata of a bulldog or a gator or something. It could be filled with confetti.
Johnson: Maybe the international studies kids could talk in a foreign language.
Perkins: French is hilarious.
Johnson: Exactly. Yeah, make things fun. Everyone would be like “what the heck is that guy saying? Those noises are so funny!”
Perkins: I’ve been thinking about music and sound during the game.
Barnhart: Great. Any thoughts?
Perkins: I was thinking that whenever there’s a first down, we could play that clip from Wayne’s World – you know, the one where he goes “schwing!”
Goldman: Oh, I like that. (laughs) Schwing.
Perkins: I know, right? It could become a thing. Or whenever the opponents botch a big play, a really funny clip of a robot going “does not compute, does not compute.”
Johnson: (laughing) Oh yeah. “Does not compute”. It totally fits, like they screwed up or something.
Goldman: Whenever they move the chains we could play that song Crazy B*tch, by Buckcherry. That’s a great song.
Goldman: I’m just saying it’s an awesome song. I love that song. It would be like “they’re moving the chains again.” People would be up and dancing. Taking off their shirts and stuff.
Barnhart: I’m not sure that’s the direction we want to go in.
Goldman: I’m just saying. That song hypes people way up.
Perkins: That’s true. It does.
Johnson: You know how t-shirt cannons are really popular? What if we used that technology for other things?
Perkins: Like other things than t-shirts?
Johnson: Right. Like rally towels. Game programs.
Goldman: Buckcherry CDs.
Johnson: People love free stuff. Really love it.
Barnhart: Couldn’t we just give them those things on their way in?
Johnson: I just read a study that people enjoy receiving things 40% more when they’re shot out of a cannon. Something to consider.
Perkins: I was also looking at potential halftime entertainment acts.
Johnson: Well, there’s always the marching band.
Perkins: Oh, of course…but we could squeeze something else in, you know? Like a monkey riding a dog around. There are people who can do that sort of thing for us for halftime.
Goldman: And maybe the monkey could wave a little “K” flag.
Perkins: Yeah, it would be adorable. And a little UK shirt.
Goldman: The dog couldn’t run too fast or people wouldn’t be able to see the shirt.
Perkins: True, it would have to be a slower dog. Or a bigger monkey.
Goldman: The heavier the monkey, the slower the dog is going to be, so that works itself out.
Johnson: If the monkey’s too big it’s not as cute, though.
Goldman: Right. I’d be happy to google some monkey sizes.
Perkins: The bigger ones are the ones that go crazy, so we have to be careful.
Goldman: We don’t need a monkey accident. That’s the last thing we need.
Barnhart: Should we move the placement of “My Old Kentucky Home?”
Johnson: I don’t know. It’s kind of a shame to make people wait, especially if they’ve come to the game to hear that song. That’s what my neighbor does. Seriously. He loves that song. How about after the third quarter?
Goldman: That’s still a while to wait. What about after the first quarter?
Perkins: That’s student accomplishment time. Unless we play it while the lasers are blowing things up. How about at the very beginning?
Goldman: Then people getting there late couldn’t hear it. Traffic, you know? What about during the first TV time out?
Johnson: Or just maybe we could play it on a loop under gameplay the whole time. Then people could just sing along whenever they wanted.
Perkins: That’s a great idea. Everyone’s happy.
Goldman: But then “Crazy B*tch” for first downs though, right?
Johnson: Oh, right. We can drop down “My Old Kentucky Home” then, for a few seconds.
Perkins: I think this is going to be a great season.
Goldman: It’s going to be a blast; really fun.
Hello, friends. You look well. Did you win the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship earlier today? Oh, I’m sorry. I understand. I didn’t mean to make fun of your weight problem. It was a legitimate question, you know, because of all the hot dogs you are eating.
Friends, Wednesday saw the finalization of the certain-to-be-formidable University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball non-conference schedule for the 2014-15 season. I don’t know about you, but I took a very short glance at it and I have the feeling we are in for a very strange non-conference season. Just based on what I’ve seen so far, I’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of ranking what I feel may be our toughest matchups come November in a piece I’ll call Ranking the Difficulty of UK’s Non-Conference Schedule. Because, really, that’s as good of a title as anything, right? So here we go, friends. And have a great holiday weekend.
Let’s face it: Louisville is going to be solid again in the 2014-15 season. Sure, they lost Russ Smith but they retained Montrezl Harrell and when you team him back alongside Chris Jones, Terry Rozier and Wayne Blackshear all signs point to Louisville looking tough again. But this is Kentucky, and that’s Louisville, and though we know it’s going to be a battle again in late December if the Cats are starting to click by then we should be fine.
Prediction: UK, 90-78 in a late second-half pull-away shooting extravaganza
Facing the Jayhawks in November’s Champions Classic should be the first true test for the 2014-15 Wildcat squad and it should be no cakewalk, given that though Kansas is losing Wiggins and Embiid to the NBA, they are bringing in solid freshmen in Kelly Oubre and Cliff Alexander, as well as returning Perry Ellis. Look for this to be major proving game for both teams and a hard-fought battle in Indianapolis for early-season media props.
Prediction: UK, 83-79 in a last-two-minutes streetfight
On paper, the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball squad versus a buffalo doesn’t look that difficult, but don’t forget that an adult male American buffalo can weigh up to 2,000 pounds and UK is slated to play it in mid-November — worrisome because buffalo can be aggressive with horning during the late fall and early winter seasons. While five-on-one should yield a win, the buffalo is no stranger to charging, sometimes up to 40 miles per hour, if provoked by humans. What good is a victory if Tyler Ulis has a ruptured spleen from a particularly vicious goring? Speed and agility will be key.
Prediction: UK; after a frightening first half and some worrisome abrasions on the Harrison Twins, the team figures out how to tire the buffalo and eventually wear him down for capture.
I hope our cardio is up to snuff for a match-up against the entire city of Columbia, South Carolina — it has a population of over 131,000 people and covers 134.9 square miles of land. That’s going to make it hard to guard and we’re going to really need to rely on the height of Karl Towns as some of these people may be in multi-story buildings. To be fair, some of Columbia’s population will be children, even babies, which should make them easy to dominate. But Aaron Harrison centuple-teamed is going to force him to really fight, and if he gets into foul trouble things could get tense. Weather could play a key factor. Also motor vehicles.
Prediction: UK, 82-81 — though we’re going to need those two days to rest before facing North Carolina.
2. Grand Canyon
November 14 will see the meeting of two programs with a great and storied history: 111 years of Kentucky Basketball up against forty million years of systematic erosion in the Colorado River Basin. The challenges loom large here — how do you defend against a world-renowned marvel of natural geology which once turned Spanish conquistadors back with its blistering heat, insurmountable formations and lack of sustenance? The Wildcats are going to need to be prepared both mentally and physically because the psychological toll being lost in the rocky hellscape will only be matched by the essential strength to push forward against elements both meteorological and topographical. A rolled ankle could put Trey Lyles out or a skinned knee could bring Willie down. We are going to need to be at the top of our game, no doubt about it.
Prediction: UK, with fortitude and water, after a hard-fought week.
What folly is it for mankind to tempt providence? After all, God’s continuous upholding of the existence and natural order of the universe is a feat which dwarfs even the most impressive of alley-oops. It would surely be ill-advised to antagonize the very thing which provides a divine, loving and unconditional love for man, even if it would mean sacrificing a perfect season up to that point. Is a career high for Dakari Johnson worth upsetting the balance of good and evil in the world? A game like this, if handled improperly, could change the meaning of one-and-done from “one season and on to the NBA” to “one season and an endless dark void of despair for the rest of eternity.” Still, Bleacher Report says if anyone can pull it off it’s this recruiting class. Which is a big pro.
Prediction: UK; The outcome of this game has been predetermined and has never been in question.
Wilkommen to Deutschland! We are very pleasing to be host you for your vacationing. Here you will find many exciting items for to do and enjoying. Please being our guest during your time here and see all of our beautiful country. We will be friendly and happy to you during your visit and hope you to have fun!
This is Friedhelm. He would like inviting you to see his sheep. Friedhelm has many sheep and is a shepherd in Deutschland. Deutschland has many sheep, as many as people or more Here, sheep are part of Deutsch family, and sometimes live in human being houses. Friedhelm is married to sheep and they are very happy with one another. No babies to have. YET! They are trying very hard and often.
When visiting be ensured to visit Deutschland’s many exquisite castles from many years of past. Many beautiful queens and bravery kings lived once in these castles. Some are very tall and old. Imagine when you visit for yourself what it would be like to be a king or queen! Please no murdering.
Please be sure to obey the signs and ruling laws while you visit Deutschland. Any violation of Deutsch laws will cause a visit to governing bodies who will horrify you. We wish not to jail you while your visit but we will follow all rules to full extent. Many American tourists are die in our jails each year. Follow the rules!
Romance is important in Deutschland and many loving men and woman come here to make romantic memories. This man and woman eat a fine meal of Schweinskopfsülze. The man is sexy talking to the woman, saying in whispers “my bowel and intestinal system is very regular.” The woman finds this very sexy in a man! It is going to be a good night for these loving birds!
Many American youths enjoy taking advantage of Deutsch hostels, where traveling youths may rest and enjoy fun times with one another. Here are some happy American students from Deutsch hostels! Making fun times to remember always! (“Jugendherberge” means “unclean harlot.”)
Again we remember you to follow the rules when visiting. Failure to following the rules may result in a force touching of the electric sphere.
Germany’s army of dancing is the best in the world! Enjoy their wonderful dance moves and sit quietly. If you do not sit quietly the army of dancing is entitled to make you force touch the electric sphere.
Here is a fun night out with friends! These happy people are enjoying delicious beer and are telling funny stories and jokes to each other for laughing. One man says “you have feathers on your head!” and other man says “you have feathers on your head too!” Their wives are lucky to have funny spouse.
American women, if you are no wife yet you may have much luck when in Deutschland with many handsome men to dating. Deutsch males are very kind and efficient to women. You will be very happy forever.
German citizens are always happy to tell directions or giving tourist tips to you. Do not be afraid to ask them questions about shopping or dining and they will being happy to offer you nice suggestions of shopping malls and dining centers. They will not murder you because the threat of electric sphere is very strong.
Child care is available in some locations.
Genießen! You are sure to have great times when visit Deutschland. If you need assistance during any time please call National Tourist Board and ask for Jürgen. He is internet cannibal and vice president of public relations. He will help you with questions. Enjoy your visit and sich amüsieren!
I'm jus bored sorry
— Doron Lamb (@DLamb20) June 17, 2014
Hello, friends. I hope you are enjoying/not enjoying the World Cup. Soccer is certainly great/dumb, isn’t it? It’s a shame/great that Americans can’t understand/are really starting to like soccer, huh? Hooray/Boo for soccer!
Friends, if you’re on the social media experiment known as Twitter, you’re no doubt already aware that the greatest person to follow on Twitter is ex-UK Wildcat and current Orlando Magic player Doron Lamb. The wealth of content Lamb puts out is truly inspiring, and it demands to be consumed. But how well do you really know Doron’s Twitter feed? Let’s test your knowledge today in an off-season exercise we’ll call “The Doron Lamb Twitter Feed Quiz.” It should take about four and a half minutes to read and you’re sure to hate it, don’t worry.
1. What item of clothing does Doron Lamb collect and post pictures of on Twitter?
2. According to Doron Lamb, if you fly out to see 2 dudes in a month you:
a. have a lot of friends
b. like to travel
3. How cold is it in Doron Lamb’s room?
a. Very cold
b. Not cold
c. Dumb cold
4. According to Doron Lamb, What is the best apple juice?
b. Old Orchard
c. Minute Maid
d. Martinelli’s Gold Medal
5. Why are girls getting fake bodies?
a. to get a man
b. to feel better about how they look
6. Five of the following tweets were sent by Doron Lamb. One is from current U.S. Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz. Which is not a tweet by Doron Lamb?
a. y u mad lol
b. I know girls feet hurt lmfao
c. if you don’t got no money don’t chill with me then
d. villanova is wack
e. Congratulations to Sylvia Burwell on her Senate confirmation today. I look forward to working with her.
f. Groupies in the lobby they jus trying to get established
7. What is Doron Lamb watching?
a. The Sixth Man
b. Hey Arnold
d. Tom & Jerry
e. All of the above
8. What is crazy?
a. The season finale of Game of Thrones
b. The argument over net neutrality
c. A bedroom with glass aquarium walls
10. Who in NYC?
a. I am in NYC.
b. I am not in NYC.
12. Doron Lamb doesn’t understand:
a. String theory
b. How bad things can happen to good people
c. How you come outside with no money
13. Which of the following is a Doron Lamb tweet?
a. Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.
b. Natural abilities are like natural plants that need pruning by study.
c. All that glitters is not gold.
d. I hate quotations.
e. All of the above
ANSWER KEY: 1.(b), 2.(c), 3.(c), 4.(d), 5.(a), 6.(e), 7.(e), 8.(c), 9.(c), 10.(b), 11.(a), 12.(c), 13.(e)
How’d you score?
13: orlando wake up
9-12: Good workout
4-8: Keep Ya Head Up
(Ed. Note: with an increasing number of NCAA college athletes leaving their universities and colleges early to enter their prospective fields of play on a professional level, the NCAA would like to make every effort to afford these athletes a true “student experience” to reward them for initially choosing the educational path. According to our sources, the following document was emailed to universities across the nation in late April, instructing administrators to relay the following inspirational words to their athletes leaving early. We present it, below, in full.)
Well, it’s finally here. That day you’ve been waiting so long for, working so hard toward. It probably seemed like it would never come. But now, here we are, eight long months later, and ready to enter the real world. I know it seems so crazy, but here it is.
The valuable life lessons you’ll take with you from these hallowed halls will follow you the rest of your lives. Like that one time you were probably on a bus or an airplane on your way to play another college or university, and someone probably said something hilarious, and everyone laughed. Or maybe that one Christmas when everyone went to see that movie together one time, and everyone came out and agreed that it was a really good movie. Or those probably two or three late-nights goofing around the dorm and, maybe one of those times, ordering pizza. Treasure these moments and hold onto them forever, for they are precious. You’ll never get that night you ordered pizza at the dorms back again.
Remember that one Christmas break? I mean, you know, just the one Christmas break. When you went home for a few days and someone you knew from high school, just six months ago, asked you how college was, and you told him? Just think — that’s never going to happen again. Those days are gone. Or having to slosh through the snow to class those two times in February? You’ll never have to do that again! Can you believe it? I mean, it’s been 175 days — probably sometimes it must have felt like at least 210 — and now it’s time to leave the nest. No more moving all your stuff into the dorm after a hot summer, like you did that one time, or dressing up like a vampire like you did for that one Halloween party you attended.
Not for you, students. For you, the road begins here. And sometimes it won’t be easy. Some of you may only end up making the league minimum in your first year. That’s only $470,000. That’s only two Bentley Continental GTCs, or only a 3,500 square foot apartment — if you’re in a mid-range sports town – without 24-hour concierge service. There may not always be the opportunity to make it rain. You’ll get through this.
You’ll get through this because you’ll have the valuable connections you’ve made over the last eight months. Like that one guy, the guy you always saw at the cafeteria. The one who wore the red hat a lot. And that other guy, the funny one with kind of a beard. Or that girl with the brown hair in your calculus class, maybe her name was Alisha. Or Jenny. These will be the faces you’ll never forget. The times you spent with these people will always be a part of you, like that time beard guy said “OMG” to be funny…I mean, who says that? That’s a text message thing, you don’t say the letters like that! It was hilarious. Priceless moments.
For others of you, the sun will shine brightly and the road will glow ahead of you. For some of you, who are drafted by a possible playoff contender, or who get to see some great playing time because the team you’re drafted to is hurting at your particular position. Take these opportunities and make them your own, because eventually you’ll see some residuals from the Players Association on your jersey sales. And that will be nice.
Then, students, you’ll have made it. You’ll have fulfilled your destiny! So go forth, young men and women, and grab that brass ring for yourselves. We’ve enjoyed spending these last days and months with you, and want you to know we’re behind you all the way. We’ll be keeping our eyes on you. Supporting you. Cheering you on. And when you get really big, we hope you’ll remember that our science building hasn’t been renovated since 1978.
Godspeed, students, and good luck!
Dear Mayor Gray,
I am disappointed that your city continues to facilitate the building of trendy off-campus loft apartments, essentially rendering the fine housing and residence halls available at the University of Kentucky – an institution of which I am proud to be President and treasure its ongoing commitment to its students and their knowledge – unattractive to incoming students. I also do not understand the city’s enthusiasm for flashing yellow left-turn lights when the old green left turn lights once worked perfectly well. Further, I believe our city to have reached its quota of brick oven pizza and cupcake stores.
Dear Champs Entertainment Complex,
During a recent visit to your establishment I purchased your promotion “Funtastic Four” package, which features laser tag, roller skating and miniature golf – as well as pizza and Pepsi-Cola products – for twenty dollars. My wife and I generally enjoy this as a night out but last Thursday evening during our visit to your facility we were targeted by a group of youths in your laser tag “arena” who proceeded to follow us to the skating rink and jeer at us as we skated. Too, your staff repeatedly ignored several requests to change the carbonation in your Sierra Mist dispenser and I was struck repeatedly in the head with candy while playing miniature golf. I have genuine concerns as to the cost-value of the Funtastic Four package and will reconsider purchasing it in the future unless a clearer vision for the financing promotion is established which will be agreeable for all parties involved.
Dear Olive Garden,
Thank you for the recent coupons you sent to my home and the invitation to dine with you during your recent “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” promotion. It was a very kind gesture and, initially, I felt that it was would be the ideal situation for both me and my family. At $9.95 per person, this financial arrangement seemed to best serve all parties but, as time progressed, it became very clear that the amorphous nature of this financing plan would provide uncertainties. Unlimited salad and breadsticks, for instance, helped to satisfy my party’s appetite before the agreed-upon pasta would arrive, creating a noticeably dimished hunger and serving to affect the amount of “Never Ending Pasta” we would eat during our visit. I feel that unless this plan is addressed and adjusted to consider all possible variables, the “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” is not the preferred meal for my family at this time.
Thank you for your ongoing dedication to quality television programming but I am disheartened by your decision over the past few months to cancel the hilarious family sitcom Suburgatory and feel that there are three instances of fundamental misguidance in this decision. First, Suburgatory was once called by TV Guide critic Matt Roush “a garish, broadly-amusing satire.” Secondly, in successive years it was nominated for both a People’s Choice Award for Favorite New Comedy and a Teen Choice Award for Best TV Show. Thirdly, it is broadcast, and assumedly enjoyed by viewers, internationally in countries like Serbia, Sweden and Greece. Because of this lack of enthusiasm toward Suburgatory, I will continue to explore all other potential options offered by rival networks.
Dear Chairman Rice,