As we dive into the summer recruiting season, it’s time to brush up on Kentucky’s →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
By C.M. Tomlin on ©April 02nd, 2015 @ 3:00pm
Good morning! I hope everyone is well and enjoying the lovely Wisconsin spring weather. Hopefully we will only get two inches of snow today, so I’m sure I will see many of you outside studying in the park!
A couple of notes as you start your blessed Thursday at the University of Wisconsin:
-The annual Sans-a-Belt Slacks job fair will be held in Grainger Hall from 2-4 pm today. It’s a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an industry we can all agree isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and I encourage you to stop by. The Hostrawser Food Wholesale Group job fair has been moved to April 16 and the Schlitz Brewing Company meet-n-greet will be on April 22.
-We heard your requests and saw your petitions – so get your dancing shoes on because Richard Marx and Peter Cetera are coming to Union Theater on April 12th! We hope you’ll be “Right Here Waiting” because “If You Leave Me Now” then I guess we “Should’ve Known Better!” Like Richard Marx, the UW Student Diversity and Cheese Temperature Regulation Union won’t stop until you’re “Satisfied,” so you can thank them when you see them on campus today.
-A pair of white men’s PONY sneakers were found in the lobby of Dejope Hall on Wednesday. Please visit the student union to retrieve them if these are yours:
-The Department of Public Safety has been alerted to the fact that rock and roll music has been playing in some of the residence halls. As science has proven, this leads to devil worship. Please refrain from such music.
As you undoubtedly know, this weekend marks another Final Four matchup between our own beloved Wisconsin Badgers and the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats. What a rivalry! Finally we have the opportunity to vindicate our loss to them last year. How exciting! I think we are all in agreement that this will be a real hoot!
This is also a great opportunity for UW students to show the nation how respectful they can be. As such, I’d like to point out some appropriate clothing and hairstyles for those of you traveling to the big city of Indianapolis on Saturday. If you will be headed to the Final Four, please stop by the Dean’s Office for a pamphlet on the subject.
To celebrate the Badgers, all day Saturday Van Allen’s Drug Store next to the Woolworth in Madison will be serving cherry malteds for a nickel apiece. Stop by and enjoy one! If you have more than one, as always, we encourage you not to drive. Buzzed driving is dangerous!
For those of you staying in Madison, the game will be broadcast on the Columbia Broadcasting System. For information on how to receive the Columbia Broadcasting System please ask your telephone operator to connect you to Comcast at phone number Greenfield-85998. If you are listening by transceiver the game will be available on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network.
Also, please remember that if you meet or are aware of a known communist or communist sympathizer it is important to report him or her immediately to the UW Department of Anti-American Affairs. The Red Menace is real.
Have a great day, Students! And Go Badgers!
Dean of Students, University of Wisconsin
Welcome, future Mountaineer, to West Virginia University! Here all your dreams of higher learning come true, you’ll experience top-rated professorial guidance and create long and lasting friendships with the very people you’ll inevitably rely upon to pry your foot out of a sprung bear trap later in life. We all need those people and you’ll find them — and a lasting education — at West Virginia University! Let’s see all the great things WVU has to offer!
Classroom time is important, and at WVU you’ll find open, accessible instructors in every class setting. Also, you’ll be pleased to know that the average wait time as your professors seek to figure out the overhead projector has been cut, after comprehensive training, from twenty minutes in 2013 to only fifteen minutes in 2014!
Visit our library to find literally tens of books and feel free to enjoy an apple, bagel or coffee as you study diligently for your next quiz. Whatever your major, we promise you will find a minimum of two books or three comprehensive brochures on the subject. Here we find Susan, who has been working to pass Pre-Calculus for the last eighteen years. You’ll get it this year, Susan!
“Siri, what is the weather today?” Ha, ha! Just kidding. No one knows what this machine does. But it just goes to show the inventiveness of a Mountaineer imagination knows no boundaries! Who knows what you’ll invent at WVU? The sky’s the limit! (Please note that mountains are closer to the sky than many other geographical areas, minimizing limits.)
Here are two friendly representatives from the WVU Creative Role-Players Club. Due to more restrictive regulations placed upon student activity groups in 2014-15, there is a significantly less chance of them murdering you and wearing a suit made of your skin as their next creative role-play. Sign up today!
The West Virginia University Beard Club boasts 700 members and has been nationally recognized by the…hey, wait a minute — Janice, when did you shave your beard? These students live in Beard Hall, where it’s always a party and no shower drains are operational at any time. To qualify for beard hall please include a picture of your beard with your student application.
West Virginia University is all about tradition — timeless, annual events like ‘Beat Martin Sheen at Cornhole.” Last year he defeated over six-hundred teams and he didn’t even have a partner. His elbow has been acting up so this might be the year you’ll take him down! Good luck!
There’s nothing like “dorm life!” Relax with friends and talk about your favorite Netflixes and emojos. Like Hunger Games? Hang up a poster! Please remember that if you are going to have three or more persons in a room at any time you’ll be required to have a dorm soldier present.
Your interests are always represented at West Virginia University! From archery to zoology, there’s a group for you to join and make new friends. Here’s the members of WVU’s Invisible Horseback Riding Team trotting around campus. Giddyup, ladies!
No matter how large your residence room is, you’ll want to all gather very closely together in one corner to enjoy popcorn and talk about your favorite bands and music albums. Here are four happy West Virginia Tech students laughing about that great viral internet memo today. Hey, you guys! Where’s your dorm soldier?
Weekends are for letting your hair down and relaxing. Hang out with friends, go to Mountaineers games and yell at foreigners. Go back to Maryland and eat your crab cakes, you ain’t welcome here! Just kidding. But seriously, get out of here crab face.
Attend formals, dances and other great get-togethers at West Virginia University! Maybe you’ll be crowned the next Mr. and Ms. Mountaineer! (pictured: Mr. and Ms. Mountaineer, 2014).
At West Virginia University you’ll be well on your way to a great new life in your chosen field and on graduation day nothing will feel as great as the sense of accomplishment on a great four years and a great degree. Please do not toss your caps into the air as you may kill any number of predatory hawks or falcons circling overhead as our university is located in a mountainous hell of no escape. See you soon at WVU!
Thursday begins pool play for the 2015 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, which means exposure to a host of new teams we don’t normally know much about. On paper, any one of these teams could rise to meet us on our path to the finals, so we’d probably better school ourselves on them, don’t you think? Here, then, is the Definitive KSR Guide to the Midwest Region for you to keep on hand over the next few days. You’re welcome, BBN.
What You Need to Know: Hampton University is located in Hampton, Virginia and its coach, Edward Joyner, claims to have Jesus on speed dial this basketball season. He also regularly faxes Moses for tax advice, is Facebook friends with Hindi deity Narasimha and regularly swings by fourth century B.C. religious leader Zoroaster’s house to “just dish.”
Fun Fact: The oak tree, a symbolic icon of Hampton University, is said to have inspired funk and dance-pop group Morris Day and the Time’s hit tune “The Oak Tree.” Many Hampton University references have similarly inspired Day’s other successful singles, including “Jerome H. Holland Love,” “Do the American Missionary Association” and “The Normal and Agricultural Institute of Funk.”
What You Need to Know: Purdue has won fourteen straight first-round NCAA Tournament games. Not to be outdone, their opponent Cincinnati’s bench has fourteen straight aggravated assault charge acquittals in the month of February.
Fun Fact: There’s no way head coach Matt Painter isn’t an illegitimate son of Bob Huggins. Look at him! Just look at him!
University of Cincinnati
What You Need to Know: Cincinnati is coming in strong after a regular season boasting major victories against Temple, San Diego State, Tulsa and…I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be laughing. It’s just cute, that’s all. I mean, good for them. Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude.
Fun Fact: If you root against Cincinnati at Fifth Third Arena an obnoxious 59 year-old Proctor and Gamble executive will scream at you and then strangle you to death with a necktie covered in little Tide™ logos.
University of Buffalo
What You Need to Know: Buffalo is coached by former Duke guard Bobby Hurley, who is slightly less hateable since we’ve learned that he also hated Christian Laettner. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, no?
Fun Fact: The mascot for the University of Buffalo is — as you probably have guessed already — the Bulls.
What You Need to Know: Star point guard Juwan Staten has missed West Virginia’s last four games but is expected to be back and moving “exceptionally well” for the tournament. Also, BOB HUGGINS WHY ARE YOU IGNORING YOUR SON MATT PAINTER? HE NEEDS A DAD.
Fun Fact: The Mountaineers’ home court is located in a dark cavern nearly a half a mile beneath the foot of a mountain in Nitro, West Virginia, and 75% of fans who visit their games contract black lung.
What You Need to Know: Valpo won both the regular season and conference tournament championships for the Horizon league this year, and for it they received a trophy with a piece of masking tape reading “Horizon League Champions” in sharpie placed strategically over the existing engraving “Sack Race Second Place.”
Fun Fact: Valparaiso University’s motto is “Vestibulum ut ante via portorium Chicago Optimus locus,” which roughly translates to “The last place to get gas before the toll road to Chicago.”
What You Need to Know: Maryland beat the formidable Wisconsin Badgers this year when the Badgers were at full strength. Which might mean something. Or not. I don’t know what you find interesting, okay? I can’t read your mind.
Fun Fact: Maryland was recently voted “Most Boring Major Program in NCAA Basketball” just now, by me.
What You Need to Know: During the Big East Tourney, Butler’s live mascot — a bulldog named “Blue III” — vomited on the middle of the court at Madison Square Garden. He was so hammered.
Fun Fact: Someone in your office will say “Oh, I like Butler, is that young coach with the glasses still there?” The correct answer in any situation to this question is “No, SUSAN, he’s at the Celtics. Why don’t you start paying attention to things? This is probably why we lost the big account, you dummy.”
What You Need to Know: Texas the team leads the nation in blocked shots. Texas the state leads the nation in blocked arteries.
Fun Fact: ESPN’s “Longhorn Network” actually only shows three hours of Texas athletics-based programming a day, the other twenty-one are just re-runs of the 1984 Sally Field/Danny Glover Texas-based drama Places in the Heart.
What You Need to Know: Fred Van Vleet, title character in the Dr. Seuss classic The Forty French Vests of Fred Van Vleet, has led the Shockers to another great year and many think they’ll off Kansas.
Fun Fact: Watch the stands for all the old people holding up their fingers in the classic “shocker” configuration, because that never, ever gets not-hilarious.
What You Need to Know: Suddenly getting admitted into the tournament at the 25th hour really screwed up Tom Crean’s plans to binge-watch Friends on Netflix all this weekend long. So he’s postponed it until next weekend.
Fun Fact: Indiana fans this year have the most unchecked aggression in the NCAA. But they’re not mad at you, they’re really just mad at themselves.
What You Need to Know: Notre Dame beat North Carolina three times this season, which means that we should be totally okay with them. Also, Mike Brey often dresses like a standup comedian from 1989’s Montreal “Just for Laughs” festival.
Fun Fact: With St. Patrick’s Day on Tuesday, look for a large contigency of big foam “leprechaun” hats and beads in the stands today as those items were all on clearance yesterday.
What You Need to Know: No, you don’t know anything about them. Everything you think you know about them is stuff you actually know about Northwestern. But go ahead and tell anyone you know anything you want about Northeastern, because nobody is going to call you on it.
Fun Fact: Northeastern gained access to the 2015 NCAA Tournament after defeating a table lamp in the Colonial Athletic Association tournament. In two overtimes.
What You Need to Know: The space on Kansas’ roster previously occupied by Cliff Alexander is these days filled by sophomore forward Landen Lucas, and the space on Bill Self’s head previously occupied by hair is these days filled by fake hair.
Fun Fact: Kansas’ lineup includes Kelly Oubre, Jr.; Wayne Selden, Jr.; Frank Mason III; Devonte Graham Sr.; Perry Ellis, Esq.; Jamari Traylor, D.M.D. and Brannen Greene, CPA.
New Mexico A&M
What You Need to Know: The Aggies recently won a Supreme Court decision upholding their players’ conceal-and-carry rights on the court, which makes their appearance in the tournament this year a lot more of a wild card.
Fun Fact: While the university suffix “A&M” usually means “Agriculture and Mechanics,” in New Mexico’s case it actually stands for “Animal-Husbandry and Medieval-Studies.”
What is the SEC Tournament?
The Southeastern Conference is a basketball conference consisting of several members of NCAA Division I basketball, primarily ones which exist in the southeastern parts of the United States, and this is its annual tournament. The winner of this tournament, which features seeded teams in a single elimination format, is guaranteed a bid to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.
All of this so far has nothing to do with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission.
Nope. Different SEC.
So can I get my money back for all the tickets I bought with a fervent enthusiasm for securities and exchanges and the regulations put in place to protect private investors?
You could scalp the tickets outside the arena for more than you paid for them, maybe, and take advantage of the demand for tickets. That’s kind of how things are done, secretly.
Oh, so this IS something the Securities and Exchange Commission might be interested in. Maybe I need to be placing a phone call to current Chairwoman Mary Jo White about this?
Whatever you want.
Where is this thing being held?
The 2015 SEC Tournament will be held in Nashville, Tennessee at Bridgestone Arena. Traditionally it is held at a fairly centralized location to accommodate fans and fan travel.
That’s still a long way from Texas A&M.
Yeah, most things in the SEC are a long way from Texas A&M.
I would like to know who is going to win this tournament, please.
Well, it hasn’t been played yet — so no one knows who is going to win. The smart money is on the University of Kentucky, which is currently an undefeated 31-0 since the season began. A second choice might be Arkansas, Georgia or LSU.
What about The University of Wyoming? What are their chances in this tournament?
Zero percent. They have a zero percent chance of winning.
Says you, maybe.
Says everyone, actually.
What is Nashville like? Is it like the rest of Tennessee? Because a lot of Tennessee is not where I would choose to spend any of my very valuable time.
Nashville’s one of the good places in Tennessee, along with sometimes-Memphis, Dollywood Splash Country™ family fun and water park and beautiful Rock City, which you must see.
What if I dislike Tennessee so much that I need to get out of it right away?
You will like Nashville. It’s great. And even if you were in Murfreesboro, which is the geographic center of Tennessee, you’re never more than three and a half hours away from Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia or North Carolina, among others.
Ew, none of those sound like an improvement on Tennessee.
At least some of them have beaches.
I’m going to tell all of my University of Missouri friends to come and let’s watch them play at the SEC tournament. That will be such fun!
No, that will probably not be fun for you or for those other people.
What if my team loses? Can I get a refund on the ticket I bought to that game?
Again, that’s not how it works. You are purchasing a ticket in the agreement that a basketball game is scheduled to play at a certain place at at a certain time and the outcome of that game could be the victory of one of either teams scheduled to play.
That sounds like a very convoluted agreement. I’d rather just buy a ticket to see a team who is going to win its game.
Then you should buy a ticket to one of Kentucky’s three likely games.
My cousin went to the 2012 National Championship game and, when the final buzzer sounded, he looked up at the ceiling and got a piece of confetti in his eye; he is still in litigation with the NCAA and the Superdome and it’s taking forever. What if this happens to me?
You should probably just stay home and watch things on television. Enjoy!
From: Steve Carlson, Production, CBS Sports
To: Sean McManus, President, CBS Sports
Date: March 4, 2015
Subject: Tournament production bumpers/teasers
You wanted me to report back to you on the progress for the bumpers and teaser promos for the upcoming NCAA Tourney coverage. I’ve checked in with all teams and have some updates. I think you’re going to be really pleased with the creativity and outside-the-box thinking our teams have done on this project.
1. Coach K’s people are being difficult about the shots we have of him. They don’t want him to come off as having a “mad face” or look “mean.” We are currently fixing his eyes in CGI to make sure he looks less threatening. You won’t be able to tell the difference.
2. From the regular season, we have a file folder of nearly 800 clips of Louisville’s Montrezl Harrell sinking a shot, turning around and getting low to the ground and screaming at the camera dramatically as he runs down the court. Of course we’ll run one of these going into every commercial break when Louisville plays, as usual, but we’re going to have to find other ways to burn off these clips otherwise. Perhaps we can superimpose a handful of TD Ameritrade brochures into his fists for one, if that would please the sponsors?
3. Some great marketing/coach tie-ins this season: Mark Few has agreed to liberally apply Nivea for Men face lotion during the games, Roy Williams will eat out of a mason jar of Red Mill™ Gluten-Free sorghum at time outs and Mike Bray has sold advertising space on the band collar of his shirt to a company that makes band-collar shirts.
4. Since the big story this season is Kentucky’s big dominance over the season and into the tournament, we’ve been working on some graphics for our analysis pieces and musical clip packages. Team has some good ideas:
-A stylish montage of each of the two Kentucky platoons shooting then cutting to a shot of a basketball goal comically overstuffed with basketballs because the team has shot so many, then the backboard and rim explodes into confetti spelling out “NCAA Tourney on CBS.”
-A clip of John Calipari devouring a large rotisserie chicken with his bare hands, stuffing it into his mouth to show his dominance as a coach. The rotisserie chicken is other teams.
-Superimpose crowns onto the heads of UK players. This signifies that they are the kings. Of basketball, or of a fictional land where basketball is a thing people can own and govern.
-We make all the basketballs Kentucky players dribble look like earths. We can do this with a Microsoft paint program. This means that they are really good and the world is their oyster, and the oyster is a basketball.
-A graphic where John Calipari loads his team into a bus and the bus starts down a highway toward the sun, and then the bus flies up into the sky and directly into the sun, and the sun explodes, and then night falls over the planet and most people die as the human race decreases its fossil fuels and resources, but those who live forge a new world underground in caves along streams and underground rivers until one day they walk out of their cave holes and look up into the sky, blinking and shielding their eyes because they’ve lived underground for so long, and then the dark clouds of ash which have covered the earth in darkness suddenly part and there’s big “NCAA on CBS” logo in the sky and animals come out of the woods and flowers begin to bloom again because life is new again and it’s time for basketball!
Let me know what you think.
Hello, friends. You’re looking well today. Oh hey, look at this..let’s see, it’s right over…HERE – You looked, now I get to hit you twice on the arm for looking. Ready? Hold Still. ONE…TWO. There…no, you can’t do it to me, the game’s over. We’re not playing that anymore.
Friends, I don’t have to tell you that this weekend Arkansas head coach Mike Anderson will bring his Hogs (players, not actual hogs) into Rupp for a shot at the king. The Razorbacks are currently second in the SEC and Anderson will no doubt be bringing his favorite strategy “Forty Minutes of Hell” to the proceedings, which of course is his version of the basketball strategy the great Nolan Richardson made famous many years ago. But what exactly is Anderson’s version of “Forty Minutes of Hell” and why should we fear it? I’m pleased today to print, in advance of the game, Anderson’s exact plans for us on Saturday, minute by hellish minute. Shall we? We shall.
20:00 – Full-court press.
19:00 – Full-court press.
18:00 – Jabril Durham calls Devin Booker and hangs up, repeatedly.
17:00 – Nick Babb stands behind Sam Malone and keeps flicking him in the ear.
16:00 – Scary Movie 5 DVD director’s commentary
15:00 – BlueCross BlueShield customer claim hotline.
14:00 – Bobby Portis performs nasal irrigation for sixty seconds.
13:00 – Wildcats attend a one year-old’s birthday party.
12:00 – One corner of Dakari Johnson’s bedsheet keeps coming off the mattress.
11:00 – Kale chips for everyone.
10:00 – Willie Cauley-Stein helps Anton Beard move.
9:00 – Karaoke with ONLY Elton John songs.
8:00 – Karl Towns attends a timeshare presentation.
7:00 – Anthlon Bell stares uncomfortably at Tyler Ulis.
6:00 – Razorbacks flip through radio stations without stopping on one.
5:00 – John Robic accidentally clips a fingernail down too far.
4:00 – Dominique Hawkins goes to Fayette Mall on December 23.
3:00 – A Time-Warner representative goes over their new promotions.
2:00 – The Wildcats remove a tree stump in the heat.
1:00 – Couples’ baby shower.
20:00 – Aggressive press.
19:00 – Internet is down.
18:00 – Michael Qualls leaves his wet towel on the guest room carpet.
17:00 – Cal loses Ellen’s Gladware™
16:00 – Alandise Harris sends Andrew Harrison an email with the caps lock on.
15:00 – Mysteries of Laura marathon.
14:00 – Slice Rohrssen waits for an oven to preheat.
13:00 – Maroon 5 plays three encores.
12:00 – Ky Madden eats an orange with no plate on Aaron Harrison’s couch.
11:00 – Moses Kingsley shows Kenny Payne photos from his trip to Washington D.C.
10:00 – Brian Long loses a contact lens on a busy carpet.
9:00 – Bill Meck breaks in with weather news.
8:00 – Mike Anderson “sexy-dancing.”
7:00 – The Wildcats try to figure out which smoke alarm is beeping.
6:00 – EJ Floreal zips himself up in his fly.
5:00 – Tod Lanter can’t merge.
4:00 – Trey Lyles has to babysit while his friends go to the biggest party of the year.
3:00 – Total breakdown of society.
2:00 – The dark lord Satan turns the arena into a pit of fiery torment.
1:00 – Fouling.
Hello, friends. You’re looking well. You have a little ketchup on the edge of your mouth. There. No, there. No, my right. Look. I’m a mirror. Right here. There, you got it. Oh, yikes. No, you’re bleeding profusely from the mouth. You should probably go to a hospital.
Friends, if you were on board for last weekend’s ESPN College Gameday you, like me, learned that Cal and Willie Cauley-Stein have a “book club” together where they read books and talk about them. In fact, Willie credits Jon Gordon’s book The Energy Bus for helping to reawaken his potential and fire of late. Sharing books to keep players hyped and interested is, I think we can all agree, a positive and constructive thing for Calipari’s coaching style, but I was looking through some of the books he’s been handing out lately and I’m detecting a little more at work. Some of these books seem to be slightly altered; I’m calling shenanigans. After all, it IS a great way for Cal to get his message across. See for yourself.
“…That night, in the mid-watch, when the old man—as his wont at intervals—stepped forth from the scuttle in which he leaned, and went to his pivot-hole, he suddenly thrust out his face fiercely, snuffing up the sea air as a sagacious ship’s dog will, in drawing nigh to some barbarous isle. He declared that a whale must be near. Ahab rapidly ordered the ship’s course to be slightly altered, and the sail to be shortened. This was the first tweak. The second tweak would come a few months later, when Ahab would lower the boat himself with his harpooneer, leaving Starbuck to the Pequod, to address the white whale; there would be talk in the newspapers of a third tweak but the second tweak so far seemed to work pretty well so a third tweak, many would agree, was probably not necessary…”
“’Have some wine,’ the March Hare said in an encouraging tone.
Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. `I don’t see any wine,’ she remarked.
`There isn’t any,’ said the March Hare.
`Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it,’ said Alice angrily.
`It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited,’ said the March Hare.
`I didn’t know it was your table,’ said Alice; `it’s laid for a great many more than three. And why aren’t you going after that 50/50 ball? Why, that seems positively mad!’
‘As mad as going for a ball-fake, when it’s been clearly telegraphed?’ said the Hatter.
‘That’s preposterous as well! Someone’s going to sneak in there and you’re going to drop a game in the SEC with ludicrous decisions like those!’ said Alice. ‘You have to keep your head in it, like your coach repeatedly tells you!’”
Atticus said to Jem one day, “Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” That was the only time I ever heard Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. “Your father’s right,” she said. “Mockingbirds don’t do one thing except make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corn cribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird. He’s also right about staying in front of your man on drives; you’re going to lose every time if you don’t stay in front of your man. That’s a sin, too. And be nice to Boo Radley, he’s right about that, too. Also, brothers’ keeper. And gold standard. Remember all that stuff.”
“Now all the youth of England are on fire,
And silken dalliance in the wardrobe lies:
Now thrive the armourers, and honour’s thought
Reigns solely in the breast of every man;
Whence the gamecock approaches be wary
Its crowing and fast break without fault
Take their hearts and minds not for granted
As thou might have Vanderbilt
For T’would be grievous folly to overlook
And therefore fall in turn, falling, falling
To those would mock and cry
‘South Carolina!’ How foolish! What error!’
For soon may come the age of Zags, who play no one.”
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the time of staying in the stance, it was the time of ballwatching, it was the season of being the needle, it was the season of taking smart shots. France was ready to fight. And you gotta. You gotta fight hard under there because that’s the only way it’s gonna happen, Dakari. I mean France. ”
As a student at the University of Florida you’re certain to grow accustomed to your surroundings on your own; however, you may still have questions. Here are some of the most common questions asked by on-campus residential UF students.
Where can I eat on campus?
The University of Florida offers a number of great dining options, from the food court at Reitz Union to the Gator Corner Dining Center and the convenient stores and fast food of Little Hall. A map is available at student services for you to discover the locations nearest you.
What can I do if I lose the key to my dorm room?
It has happened to all of us at one point; you misplace your key and can’t find it anywhere. In the event of a lockout please call the residence advisor on duty in your building and he or she will grant you access until a replacement key can be requested.
My roommate has a lot of pet birds. So many that it’s hard to sleep, and our room is beginning to smell a little bit. What can I do about this, and why does he have them?
Many times the “learning curve” of a new roommate can be difficult, and you’re not the first to report this difficulty. It’s not uncommon for some UF students to make some “extra money” importing and selling rare or endangered birds to collectors around the country. The good news is that the peak buying season for illegal birds is from November-March, so your room should grow increasingly emptier as your school semester progresses. Hang in there!
Why is there a baby alligator in my toilet?
Great question! Actually, that’s likely not a baby alligator as much as it is a full-sized caimen, which is in the alligator family. These reptiles can swim up through water pipes and on occasion may pop up where they’re unwelcome! Don’t worry, it’s not as dangerous as an alligator; however, its tiny teeth are very sharp and can rip flesh and muscle from bone at a rapid speed, so don’t anger it. Instead, please call the headcampus janitor at extension x8889 or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org and he can take care of it for you.
Last night as I was sleeping, a meth-crazy stripper cut off my genitals. What now?
Welcome to Florida! You may have noticed that the very image of a meth-crazy stripper cutting off a sleeping man’s genitals is on our license plate. Around here we have a old saying before before bed: Good night/sleep tight/don’t forget to wrap an elaborate system of string and bells around your room and wear your steel genital casing.” The student health care center should be able to help in such situations, give them a ring at x9833.
An escaped convict from a nearby prison broke into our dorm yesterday and when we came home he had created a Satan-ritual altar to gain the powers of the devil. We fought him off before he could complete it but we’re afraid he might return.
Oh, that old story! He probably is more afraid of you than you are of him. Alert the authorities if you know of the direction he is currently headed in and they will handle the rest. Be sure to clean up; remember that lighted candles are not permitted in residence halls.
I was studying in Broward Hall when a reticulated python began to strike at me around the face and, once I was on the ground, wrapped itself around me and began to crush my body. My friend had to hack it to death with a fire axe and there’s blood everywhere, both mine and the snake’s. What should I do?
This happens all the time. Give Janitor Walsh a call and he can take care of everything.
My Bigfoot museum got swallowed by a sinkhole. Do I have to start over?
Gil Corrano, Sports Reporter, The West Point Gazette
“I covered his first game as a head coach — Army versus Lehigh — in 1975. Army had been 3-22 the season before and no one was expecting much out of this new first-timer. But they beat Lehigh by 27 points in the season opener. Afterward, I caught up with him and asked him how it felt, you know, to be turning things around. I’ll never forget it; he looked me the eye and said ‘Now I have to win 999 more.’ I remember that I laughed, because I thought it was a joke, but then he held up a walnut and crushed it in his fist and let the shattered shell fall to the floor. I could see even then that he was motivated.”
Jim DeSalle, Duke Athletics Staff, 1980
“The weekend after we made Mike’s hiring official, I took him out for a drink to talk to him about his future at the university. I kidded him that his name was hard to pronounce, that it looked like some sort of crazy vanity license plate meant to convey a phrase with all the vowels taken out. He didn’t like that; he smashed a Michelob bottle on the bar and held the jagged glass to my neck. He was wild-eyed and screaming ‘Everyone will learn to say my name! Everyone!‘ The whole bar got quiet. It was weird, but I could tell he meant business.”
Linda Preston, Owner and Operator of Linda’s Playplace, Durham, NC
“In 1982 we filmed a PSA at our facility about kids and exercise, and Coach Krzyzewski came to film a piece on being a good sport. Everything went well on-camera, but off-camera one of the kids told Coach that he liked basketball even when he didn’t win. Coach Krzyzewski got really mad; he started smashing lego structures with his hands and kicked a ball through a plate glass window — and he told the kid that winning was the only thing. He ran outside shrieking and ripped some monkey bars out of the ground and did like $2,000 worth of damage. The kids were all crying and scared. One of those kids was Clay Aiken.”
Karl Malone, Member of the “Dream Team,” 1992 Olympics
We had just won our game against Panama and I hadn’t played as well as I could have; I was walking out of the arena and a taxi cab ran over me from behind, then stopped, backed up and ran over me again. Coach K was hanging out of the window of the taxi yelling ‘You will not take this win from me! You will not take my wins away from me!‘ I was really injured badly and was like ‘You’re not even the head coach! This doesn’t even count on your record!’ People were running around like ‘No mas! No mas! Detener the automóvil!‘ But we went back out there and brought home the gold.”
J.J. Redick, Duke University Basketball Player, 2002-2006
“We lost a game at Maryland in 2003 and after the game, I told Chris Duhon that we’d get them next time. Coach overheard it and picked up a brick — I don’t even know where he got it — and threw it at me, screaming that it would have been his 650th win and we screwed it all up for him. Then he stopped the bus on a bridge and made me get into a burlap sack, tied it with rope and pushed it into the Patuxent River. I almost died but I barely escaped from the sack before I froze to death. I guess I just didn’t have the drive, back then, that I needed. Coach gave me that drive.”
Bobby Knight, former Indiana Head Coach
“I remember after that 903rd win, where he broke my record. He visited my home and rang the doorbell. I came to the door to ask who it was and he said ‘Coach, it’s me, Mike. I wanted to talk to you about how much you’ve meant to me and what an inspiration you’ve been.’ I think he thought I’d be happy to see him, but instead I asked him to take one step back and then I pulled the lever that activates a trap door on my porch and he fell into the hole I had built to capture trespassers. People aren’t supposed to even get that close to the house to begin with.”
Mike Krzyzewski, Duke Head Coach
“There will be others who win more, but it’s kind of neat to be the first person to 1,000.”
Jim Boeheim, Syracuse Head Coach
“I don’t know who did this, but someone threw a rock through the front window of my home last night with a note that read STOP WINNING GAMES OR ELSE. I’ve turned it over to the authorities for a proper investigation, but I have my suspicions.”
Hello, friends. You’re looking well. Why, there’s positively a spring in your step today! Oh, I’m sorry. Yes, that IS quite a pronounced limp. I didn’t mean to call attention to it in front of your lovely young lady friend.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the SEC, surprisingly, has become quite the League of Would-Be Assassins this season, taking us to repeatedly nailbiting finales since conference play began. Texas A&M, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt (Vanderbilt!) — they’ve all come to get us. This weekend, presumably, will be no exception when our Cats roll down into Colonial Life (Colonial Life!) Arena this weekend. Head Coach Frank Martin will certainly be gunning for us as his comments concerning his team after Tuesday’s loss to Tennessee were anything but flattering, a sentiment which may have gotten him into dutch with the administration. We explore that particular email, and Martin’s history of upsetting management, in a piece today which we’ll call Attn: Coach Martin. Shall we? We shall.
From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
Dear Coach Martin,
While your frustration with the team following Tuesday night’s loss to Tennessee was certainly understandable under the circumstances, your negativity toward the team — i.e., referring to the team as “no good,” and repeatedly emphasizing “selfishness” and “shame” — might not be the best course of action when instilling a positivity in your team and serving as a representative of the University of South Carolina. Please monitor your words and language more closely in the future to ensure stronger press and reception.
From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
It has recently come to our attention that the Basketball Operations office has been neglecting to separate its plastic recyclables from its glass recyclables, which I have learned is becoming a problem for our physical plant to resolve when preparing deliveries to the Columbia recycling plant. Please see that this distinction is made in the future.
From: Pastides, Harris – Office of the President
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
We have rarely discouraged extracurricular “night jobs” for University of South Carolina personnel, but your current activities have been brought to our attention as we have been approached by several people in the community who claim you have threatened to cause them bodily harm should they not pay your employer. We feel this reflects poorly on the basketball program and would suggest you terminate said extracurricular employment immediately.
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
While we regret the accident which recently doused you with dangerous gamma rays (we are still investigating the incident at the Physics Building), we encourage you to please attempt to keep your temper under control as we figure out our next steps. The several automobiles you threw through the bay windows of the Thomson Student Health Center last night are not inexpensive to fix and the hole you punched in the ground in front of the bookstore has caused several problems this morning. Please see that this does not occur again in the future.
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
Although your feelings toward the town eccentric Maurice’s lovely daughter are well founded, as she is an exceptional girl, I have been disheartened to hear that of late you have been bragging at the tavern that you will “make” her fall in love with you, as this is likely in violation of our campus’ sexual harassment laws. Furthermore, your claims that you are going to kill her monstrous housemate are uncalled for, especially since the fact that he was once a person still makes the act one of human murder and punishable as such. Please desist.
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
I’m not sure what you were doing in the construction area of East Campus late last night but one of our industrial plumbers visited my office this morning to inform me that not only had you kidnapped a female student but that you were foiling attempts to rescue her by hurling oil drums at oncomers. You should consider yourself very lucky that no one was hurt during this incident and I can assure you that this behavior will not stand at the University of South Carolina. I hope not to hear of this type of event again going forward.
To: Martin, Frank – Basketball Operations
Attn: Coach Martin
It has been three weeks now and your deliberate ignoring of my multiple requests to separate glass and plastic recyclables is unacceptable.
Consider this strike two.
You call yourself an Alabama fan? It’s time to put your loyalty to the test, Tide Nation! Take the following questionnaire to see where you rank among the crimson faithful. Good luck!
1. I always prefer to watch Alabama basketball with:
a. The other wealthy doctors who live in my neighborhood
b. My girlfriend, my kids, her kids, my sister, my sister’s kids and her boyfriend Ray
c. Pooter, Jimbo and them
2. My biggest superstition with Alabama sports is:
a. I have to be wearing my lucky red sweater-vest
b. I get my good luck hickey from Brandine
c. I shoot three bullets into my “Shoot Tree.”
3. What is this?
a. “Big Al,” the Crimson Tide Mascot
b. A messed-up dog I seen over by Duane’s house one time
c. I don’t know but if it comes near me I will kill it and it and they can’t do anything to me because it came at me and I am protecting my space
4. Who is Lane Kiffin?
a. The current offensive coordinator for Alabama football
b. A fancy man from Hollywood who runs our score plays
c. That pretty lady in the visor
5. When Creighton beat us in the first round of the NCAA Tournament in 2012, I:
a. Accepted it and went to check on how the new addition to my house is coming along
b. Got into a fight with my ex-wife and we both got thrown out of Sport Clips
c. Wrote CRATIN on a board and threw my throwing stars at it
6. My most disappointing moment as an Alabama fan was:
a. The ending of the 2013 Iron Bowl vs. Auburn
b. Losing to UCONN in the NCAA Tourney Elite Eight in 2004
c. The time I caught Ray and my girlfriend doing it in the back of my truck last week during the Tennessee game
7. As a fan, you could best classify me as:
a. A current booster for the University of Alabama
b. A fan who never misses a game
c. The man who is going to karate chop Ray until his neck breaks
8. My favorite snack on game day is:
a. Fried green tomatoes at a well-appointed tailgate party
b. Pizza and popcorn, with soda
c. Eleven Busch Lights and a jar of pickles
9. “Crimson Tide” is:
a. A term popularized in the 1900’s referring to the Crimson color of a dominant Alabama’s team uniforms
b. A submarine movie starring Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman
c. What Ray is going to see coming out of his nose when I punch his nose bones up into his brain
a. I don’t know who Ray is
b. Going to meet his demise when I see him at the next militia meeting so you tell him I am coming for him and it is time for him to die
Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Texas A&M University for enrollment as a first-year student in the fall of 2015. My name is Polly Starr-Dalton and I’ll be your student services contact when you arrive on campus. I’m writing today to introduce myself and let you know some important information as you prepare for your education at Texas A&M.
Whatever your major, great classes await you here at Texas A&M University. While you are not asked to officially declare your major until your sophomore year, it may be worth your time to think about your future now. Some of the many options available to you at Texas A&M include the fields of:
…among many others! You can even soon blend the two in our exciting new major program Agricultural Mechanics, beginning in 2016. This program is expected to fill up quickly!
If you will be living on campus, entering your request early will help you to get the residence hall of your preference. You can contact Brandy-Brooke Creager at our Student Housing office, who you probably remember because she was a cheerleader at Chilton the year Chilton’s football team beat Hubbard in overtime and everyone went to Austin’s parents’ boat on Temples Lake and Chris Doolin had to go to the hospital. She can help you with your preferences.
Should you request to be placed with a university-chosen roommate, please fill out the questionnaire (attached) and return it with your enrollment forms. These questions will help us to pair you with a roommate who shares your interests, including:
-Type of gun you like to shoot
-Where you went to 4-H camp
-How much land your dad owns
-Your regional Dairee-Whip location
-longest ATV jumps
-Your favorite Wade Bowen songs
-Bears you’ve saw
Brandy will do her best to pair you with a roommate right for you in the residence hall of your request, but please be aware that not everyone can live in Carhartt Hall, and it often fills before first-year student requests are processed. Please consider Bass Pro Shops Towers I and II, as they are similarly centrally located.
Please note that while many of our students prefer to live on campus, we also have students who commute. Cody Grimes comes in from Navasota every morning; you could ride with him. His truck has an extended cab and sometimes Zane and JB ride with him too. Zane’s in the national guard, you might have met him before. He can be kind of a dick but if you get to know him he’s okay. He used to hang out with Jeremy Matson before the combine accident.
There are so many activities for first-year students to get involved that you will be very busy as an incoming freshman! Ever since that boy from Chicago moved here in the 1980s and taught everyone to dance the campus has been very lively. Noodling and gigging excursions leave nightly from the Richardson Petroleum Engineering parking lot and you can’t forget the Pure Country Sing-a-Long every Friday at midnight. Please, no [hard] alcohol admitted and dip cups MUST be thrown away afterward, remember that this auditorium is used by the boot-sequining club on Saturday mornings.
We look forward to having you this coming fall as an incoming first-year student at Texas A&M University and encourage you to get involved in any and every way you wish. Some popular campus clubs and organizations include:
-Getting Buck Wild
Whatever your interest, it’s here at Texas A&M!
Again, we’re pleased that you will be joining us in 2015. Go Aggies! And don’t forget to swing by my office when you’re on campus so I can give you your complimentary new-student orientation pack, which includes a new highlighting pen, a Zac Brown Band CD and a Fox Racing decal. See you soon!
Office of Student Affairs
Texas A&M University
Hello, friends. And happy new year! I trust you all had a wonderful Christmas, a blessed Hanukkah, stunning Kwanzaa or splendid Feast of Zoroaster. Things were great here, thanks for asking, and I got the only thing I asked for this Christmas: a twelve-laserdisc copy of every 1988 episode of PBS’ McNeil/Lehrer NewsHour. Man, that was a great season. Do you guys remember that Lloyd Bentsen interview? Simply classic television.
Friends, as it’s New Year’s Day, it’s time to reflect upon the past year, put it behind us, and start gazing ahead to a bright and wonderful 2015. I know I sure am, and I’m certain that each of you are doing the same. It’s also a time to make New Year’s Resolutions to stick to going forward and make the coming year the best ever. I’ve been sending out some emails this past week to some of my closest friends and I’m pleased to share with you today some resolutions which some of my more famous comrades are making for 2015. I’d like to share them with you today. What else are you going to do, read the mail? Ha, ha! Mail doesn’t come today, dummy. Happy new year, everyone.
“I’d like to bring home a ninth National Championship for the University of Kentucky in 2015.”
“To play my best and not only get a championship ring, but score a high spot in the NBA draft.”
“To work on my confidence and take more shots.”
“I’m going to keep asking for whatever I want for however long I can get away with this. Yesterday I asked someone to peel forty strawberries for me and HE DID IT. I didn’t even eat them. How long can this last? I mean, seriously, what do you think? Maybe until September? I better get all I can out of it. Dude, this is awesome.”
To get an A’s in all my favorite classes this semester: British Baseball History, Mexican Symphonies, Furniture Recognition and Farmville.”
“I’m pushing myself to the limit in 2015. This year I’m going to punch TWO wolves.”
“To restore a functional order and respect to the National Basketball Association. Also, to protect my precious from the fires of Mordor at all costs.”
“I hope to continue in 2014 what I began in 2015: making fantasy football owners regret me.”
“I didn’t want to forget my resolution so I wrote it on my hand. See? It says ‘CHECK POCKETS FOR CRAB LEGS.’”
The College Football Selection Committee
“To continue to make everyone think that it took a group of hand-picked, sequestered, hyper-intelligent human beings to pick the four teams eligible for the championship playoff.”
“Get new phones.”
“I’d like to win another French tennis thing, if I did that this past year.”
“I’d like the year 2015 to be pretty much exactly like the years 2001 through 2014.”
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Kentucky Sports Radio:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that Louisville doesn’t exist. Papa says “If you see it on KSR, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Louisville?
Virginia O’Connell, Paducah
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the trying times of a competitive age. They refuse to believe what they cannot acknowledge. They do not believe what they see outside of the Yum! Center and Papa John’s Stadium. Their little minds traverse in the abstract, believing that the simple refusal to believe something exists ceases it to exist. This great universe of ours swirls about upon a simple faith in the delicate balance between the human imagination and absolute truth – and it’s important to grasp that one cannot not exist without the other.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Louisville. It exists as certainly as twerking and tweaking and manscaping and Hennesy exist, and you know that these things collaborate to create an indomitable force of reality. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Louisville! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no Two-for-One Limp Bizkit Throwback Rock Block Couch Dances, with no free t-shirts or soft-sided coolers available if you get such a spirited dance in the next five minutes. There should be no one to buy Horny Goat Weed in a capsulized form at a Marathon station from a disaffected man behind a plexiglass window, nor a measured exchange of currency for the detailing of one’s own motorcoach with a committed “$$ CARDNAL FAN 4 LIFE $$” in the exquisite Olde English font of eras long gone. Indeed, the very basis of the tribal tattoo industry would be rocked to its very core.
Not believe in Louisville! Why, you might as well believe that The Boondock Saints is not the most boss movie ever made. You may as well begin to liberally apply sunscreen to your forehead upon the exiting of your very own home each morning as if wide brim hats had never been conceived or invented! What a world that would be! I’m quite certain none of us would want to live in a world where our weed were not concealed within the soft purple velour of a Crown Royal pouch hanging from the rear view window, nor would we ever wish to exist in a universe with cumbersome sleeves or pants not designed of a flowing, luxurious mesh. After all, have you ever seen Big Sean showing out, or Juicy J hitting it from da back? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not showing out nor hitting it from da back. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseeable in the world.
Indeed, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing more real than Louisville! After all, isn’t Louisville present when a tricked-out Honda Civic runs over a parking meter? Isn’t Louisville there when a man tells a woman who is not his bae that her booty fine? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a man pulls his shirt off at a fireworks display? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a platter of Jaegerbombs arrives at the table? Or an an offbrand MMA event sells out? Or a fedora is worn? You would not want to live in a world without Louisville!
No Louisville! Thank God it lives and lives forever! A thousand years from now, Virginia — nay, ten times ten thousand years from now — it will continue to bring us joy, for we cannot live without it, and it will forever continue to grunt loudly at our gyms, smoke in the public restrooms of our sporting venues and take the mufflers off its cars.
Yes, yes, Virginia. There is a Louisville.
Welcome to UCLA! Get ready to experience your education at a top-rated school The Hollywood Reporter recently referred to as “boffo” and Variety once named “the perfect educational vehicle for Emmy Award-winner Tom Skerritt!” It’s time for you to take learning to the next level at the very institution noted film critic Leonard Maltin once called “not laid out great” while teaching an adjunct class!
Hey, guys! Get off the grass! Just kidding. The grass is created by computer generated imagery, or “CGI.” In fact, UCLA is the only university in the nation to be projected entirely onto a green screen, so enjoy the fabulous sites and sounds all around you but don’t wear green or people will be able to see through you.
UCLA is all about the “LA Lifestyle,” which means when you’re not studying hard for a final at Williams Andrew Clark Memorial Library you’re free to explore underneath the many piers of Los Angeles’ beautiful beaches with your post-Britpop space-rock/slowcore fusion band as you shoot possible album liner photos with your Instagram “Lo-Fi” filter!
Just another day on campus? Wrong! In just a few seconds a director will call action and Will Smith’s Galborian Intergalactic Escape Pod will come screaming and crashing down onto the sidewalk as a take in Renny Harlin’s latest sci-fi actioner Solar Justice comes to life before the running cameras. Look for it in July 2016!
Call us! We’ll do lunch! Learn how to network throughout the industry when you enroll in UCLA’s award-winning Entertainment Connections Program and you’ll soon be discussing the latest numbers on that student film while you do cocaine off a samurai sword and text your mistress in Toluca Lake. As Cannonball Run II star Telly Savalas would say, “Who loves ya, baby?” We do! UCLA does!
Get valuable work experience in the television industry with one of UCLA’s prime internships, available by applying at the UCLA Office of Work studies. Here we see a young intern already tasked with the important job of conducting a poll for Entertainment Tonight! And — spoiler alert — only 55% of you love Reese Witherspoon’s new haircut!
Surprise! Dr. Judy Wong of UCLA’s Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital is hiding all over campus, waiting to jump out and scare you! But between you and us, we think she’s doing a lot more “delighting” than “frightening” people these days!
Don’t worry! We don’t know what it is either! And we won’t tell anyone you don’t! Trust us, there’s stuff like this all over campus! That’s what makes UCLA so eclectic — just nod and pretend and your next girlfriend could be a yoga teacher who pretends to enjoy the films of Gael Garcia Bernal!
The dining halls at UCLA are second to none. At any given hour you can meet up with your “amigos” and “fuel up” with some “‘za” as you make plans to head out to studio city and attend a taping of the hit CBS show Mom, starring Allison Janney and Anna Faris. While you’re in the dining hall, keep an eye open and maybe you’ll see Fast Steven. If you do, tell him hello — if you can catch him!
No Katie, the second-to-third act shift has to come when Paul Blart realizes that his overzealousness just cost him his job! Only then can he come to terms with the fact that by foiling the big bank robbery can he gain everyone’s trust back! Workshopping your spec scripts are even easier (and more fun) when you’re doing it with fellow Bruins!
Community garden, right?…don’t worry, we won’t tell! We’re cool!
Many of UCLA’s award-winning professors are ex-industry professionals themselves. For instance, you’re sure to learn a lot from Nine to Five and Slap Maxwell star Dabney Coleman, who runs UCLA’s molecular biology department.
From the day you step foot on UCLA’s campus you’ll be primed and prepared for a valuable career beyond our prestigious classrooms. Enjoy it, have fun, study hard and we can’t wait to see you as “Latino Gangbanger #4″ on an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles someday. At UCLA, you’re on your way!