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Need-to-Know Wednesday

Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations

Photobombing: UCLA

Photobombing: UCLA

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Welcome to UCLA! Get ready to experience your education at a top-rated school The Hollywood Reporter recently referred to as “boffo” and Variety once named “the perfect educational vehicle for Emmy Award-winner Tom Skerritt!” It’s time for you to take learning to the next level at the very institution noted film critic Leonard Maltin once called “not laid out great” while teaching an adjunct class!

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Hey, guys! Get off the grass! Just kidding. The grass is created by computer generated imagery, or “CGI.” In fact, UCLA is the only university in the nation to be projected entirely onto a green screen, so enjoy the fabulous sites and sounds all around you but don’t wear green or people will be able to see through you.

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UCLA is all about the “LA Lifestyle,” which means when you’re not studying hard for a final at Williams Andrew Clark Memorial Library you’re free to explore underneath the many piers of Los Angeles’ beautiful beaches with your post-Britpop space-rock/slowcore fusion band as you shoot possible album liner photos with your Instagram “Lo-Fi” filter!

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Just another day on campus? Wrong! In just a few seconds a director will call action and Will Smith’s Galborian Intergalactic Escape Pod will come screaming and crashing down onto the sidewalk as a take in Renny Harlin’s latest sci-fi actioner Solar Justice comes to life before the running cameras. Look for it in July 2016!

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Call us! We’ll do lunch! Learn how to network throughout the industry when you enroll in UCLA’s award-winning Entertainment Connections Program and you’ll soon be discussing the latest numbers on that student film while you do cocaine off a samurai sword and text your mistress in Toluca Lake. As Cannonball Run II star Telly Savalas would say, “Who loves ya, baby?” We do! UCLA does!

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Get valuable work experience in the television industry with one of UCLA’s prime internships, available by applying at the UCLA Office of Work studies. Here we see a young intern already tasked with the important job of conducting a poll for Entertainment Tonight! And — spoiler alert — only 55% of you love Reese Witherspoon’s new haircut!

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Surprise! Dr. Judy Wong of UCLA’s Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital is hiding all over campus, waiting to jump out and scare you! But between you and us, we think she’s doing a lot more “delighting” than “frightening” people these days!

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Don’t worry! We don’t know what it is either! And we won’t tell anyone you don’t! Trust us, there’s stuff like this all over campus! That’s what makes UCLA so eclectic — just nod and pretend and your next girlfriend could be a yoga teacher who pretends to enjoy the films of Gael Garcia Bernal!

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The dining halls at UCLA are second to none. At any given hour you can meet up with your “amigos” and “fuel up” with some “‘za” as you make plans to head out to studio city and attend a taping of the hit CBS show Mom, starring Allison Janney and Anna Faris. While you’re in the dining hall, keep an eye open and maybe you’ll see Fast Steven. If you do, tell him hello — if you can catch him!

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No Katie, the second-to-third act shift has to come when Paul Blart realizes that his overzealousness just cost him his job! Only then can he come to terms with the fact that by foiling the big bank robbery can he gain everyone’s trust back! Workshopping your spec scripts are even easier (and more fun) when you’re doing it with fellow Bruins!

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Community garden, right?…don’t worry, we won’t tell! We’re cool!

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Many of UCLA’s award-winning professors are ex-industry professionals themselves. For instance, you’re sure to learn a lot from Nine to Five and Slap Maxwell star Dabney Coleman, who runs UCLA’s molecular biology department.

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From the day you step foot on UCLA’s campus you’ll be primed and prepared for a valuable career beyond our prestigious classrooms. Enjoy it, have fun, study hard and we can’t wait to see you as “Latino Gangbanger #4″ on an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles someday. At UCLA, you’re on your way!


Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

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“…He was Roy Williams. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him. No wind blew that was bitterer than he. No one stopped him in the street with gladsome looks to say “Ho, there, Coach Williams! Are you full of vigor for William & Mary? No administrators asked him of his student’s classloads. No professors, nor their lofty and scholarly courses, dared to exist around him.”

“…As Roy lay there, his covers pulled to his chin, the din of clanging chains grew nearer and nearer until he saw his guest’s visage. ‘That powder-blue sportcoat! That gigantic nose! Those patented four-corners stalling maneuvers! I know you!’ He cowered in fear. ‘Why, pickle my eggs! Dean Smith!’”

“’Before the night is through,” Dean Smith said, his finger pointing at the clock, ‘ you will be visited by three spectres; these visitors will teach you to shun the path of academic scandal you tread. Remember what has passed between us, Roy! And change your ways before it is too late!’ With that Smith was gone, like a fart in a cyclone.
‘I’ll be ding-danged!’ trembled Roy Williams. ‘Three ghosts!’”

“At the stroke of one, just as Dean Smith had predicted, a spirit drew back Roy Williams’ bed-curtains. ‘I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, the wispy and pale figure spoke. ‘Your past, Roy Williams.’
‘Great! I haven’t seen Greg Ostertag in a few years,’ said Roy. ‘It will be great to see that guy.’
‘Your moral past,’ interrupted the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah, okay,’ responded Roy. ‘Maybe we could go to that Rodney Crowell concert I seen in 1989. That was a good one. Shew!’
‘No…it’s..never mind,’ said the ghost.’”

“…The Ghost of Christmas Present’s eyes were crisp and clear and kind.
‘Take hold of my robe!’ he commanded. Roy Williams did as he was told.
Soon the two were soaring over the snow-covered, silent city, clad in mistletoe and holly, children snuggled safely asleep and families awakening the coming Christmas morn. Soon the town would awaken to the revelry of the holiday’s dawning.
‘Are you eating beef jerky?’ asked the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah,’ said Roy Williams, licking a finger.
‘Give me that. Where did you even get beef jerky? Are you even paying attention to any of this? What is wrong with you?’”

“The Ghost of Christmas Past transported Roy Williams into a modest but by no means extravagant four bedroom home in a newer subdivision outside Chapel Hill.
‘Do you know this house?’ asked the Ghost. ‘It’s the house of one of your assistants. An underpaid, put-upon employee whose fingers you work to the bone. You treat him poorly, yet he protects damning evidence of corruption in the program for you at all costs! What will you do when you…hey, what are you doing? Get out of there, that’s not yours.’
‘Dang this guy gets a lot of magazines,’ said Roy, going through a stack of mail on the kitchen counter. ‘I’m gonna take this Sport Fishing. I ain’t read it yet.’”

“As the Spirit of Things to Come stood towering over Roy Williams, the ghost neither spoke nor moved, save an outstretched hand and spindly finger pointing at the Wikipedia entry on the laptop sitting on the table before him. The entry on the screen bore the following damning words:

 …in 2019 one of the greatest academic scandal of basketball history would be Williams’
ultimate downfall, leading him to an NCAA-wide coaching ban for the remainder of his years.

Roy Williams looked back at the terrifying, shrouded spirit.
“This thing got YouTube?’ asked Roy. ‘Lemme show you this thing where a monkey pees in his own mouth. It’s hi-larious. You gotta see it. You like YouTube? Hold on lemme get back to my email, there’s a link there.’”

“…The sun rose the next morning, Roy Williams sat up in his bed and saw the rays of sunshine peeking through his blinds. The spirits had come, and gone, each, and now it was a new day. As Roy Williams climbed out of bed and got ready to go into work, he smiled to himself in the mirror. He couldn’t remember much of what the ghosts said and he didn’t care. After all, if he’d learned anything from the past seven years at UNC it was that simply not knowing anything was the key to never having to worry about it. ‘God bless us,’ he said to the winner in the mirror. “Everyone.’”


The First Thanksgiving

The First Thanksgiving

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(Ed. Note: It’s very easy, at this hectic time of year, to get caught up in our own lives and forget the things which really matter. So if I may share a family tradition of my own today, I’d like to suggest you take the time at your family’s table this holiday, share the following story of The First Thanksgiving and make it a family tradition in your own home. -Cheers, CMT)

In the year 1621, a group of 101 passengers fleeing the religious persecution of the Church England boarded a ship called the Mayflower and set sail to find their own new land in which to settle and reside. The wooden ship sailed, scholars believe, for sixty-six days before landing on the coast of a new and “undiscovered” country, which the Englishmen and women — who called themselves “pilgrims” — would decide to call home.

As the seasons passed and the air grew colder and brisker signaling autumn was on the way, these pilgrims began to secure the supplies they would need to survive to harsh winter to come. They worked hard to grow corn on the vast land and pull fish from the ocean; they chopped wood they would need for fires and cured meat to be used when food sources would soon become scarce.

One crisp autumn day the pilgrims were delighting themselves in their chores when a group of visitors arrived at their settlement. These visitors were the Kentucky Wildcats, led by head coach John Calipari and his coaching staff, and they could see the pilgrims were unprepared for what was to come. “Let us help you,” said John Calipari, and the pilgrims were grateful for the assistance.

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The Kentucky Wildcats then took the pilgrims to an open field near the settlement and began to throw a rounded gourd back and forth to one another. “Come, try to take this from us,” Alex Poythress said, and a pilgrim man ran to him and tried to take his gourd from him. But Alex Poythress was too fast, and quickly threw the gourd to Aaron Harrison, who tossed the gourd into a hole in a tree, even though there was a very tall pilgrim right in front of him.

The settlers did their best to contain the Kentucky Wildcats but a dual-platoon system with extra substitutes proved too much for them to handle. The pilgrims tried hard but, being new to this country, had no recourse for a solid NBA-style pick-and-roll and strong shooting from the perimeter. Height was also a major problem, as evidenced by the following journal entry by a settler named Edward Fuller:
     These giants both surprised us and frightened us with their swift movements. 
     My beloved wife Mary was thrilled although fearful when Karl-Anthony Towns swatted a

     butternut squash directly into my face, causing me and
     my family sadness and great humility.
The pilgrims would lose The First Thanksgiving 87-19, held to only 7 points in the second half, and ultimately feel grateful that the competition would strengthen them in the days to come. The initial shock on the faces of the children would turn to delight as everyone watching in attendance scored a free taco and the dance team displayed exquisite movements to the day’s hottest rap hits.

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“We must repay you for what you have shown and taught us here today,” the pilgrims told John Calipari. “Someday we will initiate a three-tiered system of competition with scholarships, though not too many scholarships, which will culminate in a tournament rewarding the strongest with an opportunity to be the greatest in all the land.” And John Calipari thought that sounded like a great idea, and then the Kentucky Wildcats were like “Also, here’s some food for you guys” and gave them some corn and roasted meat and sweet fruits for the children. Then a group of energetic young people with jump ropes arrived to put on a show of entertainment as everyone ate their food and Dorothy Bradford, wife of William Bradford of Cambridgeshire, got to be the “Y.” A good time was had by all and Seth Davis said he didn’t know if any Thanksgiving would be better than the First Thanksgiving that year, to which Clark Kellogg was all “you’re right about that” and he doesn’t even like the Kentucky Wildcats.

Afterward, John Calipari would tell everyone that the pilgrims deserved credit for getting out there and playing hard and that he was really impressed with their level of play, even though he probably was just saying it to be nice. The post-First-Thanksgiving epistle-writing show had very high ratings and the pilgrims would go to sleep that night with their hats unbuckled and their bellies full of kindness and food. As the abbreviated, choked howls of the Kentucky Wildcats dunking on wolves peppered the crisp night wind outside, the safe pilgrims vowed to recall this day every autumn and appreciate the blessings bestowed upon them. And that’s what we, today, call Thanksgiving.

 


What is Platooning? And Other Military-Themed Approaches We Should Prepare for This Season

What is Platooning? And Other Military-Themed Approaches We Should Prepare for This Season

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Hello, friends. You look well today — but I’m sorry, I’m out of candy. Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you were still trick or treating. I first thought you were wearing a rubber Jimmy Carter mask that sat next to a candle for too long; I did not realize that was actually your face. How unfortunate for you, except on Halloween. Still, bet it was a good Halloween, eh? Lots of candy!

Friends, there has been a lot of talk these days about Calipari, the Cats, and “platooning.” The term, which of course has roots in military maneuvering, denotes a tactic wherein Cal has two distinct “waves” of teams which can come on and leave the court en masse, thus resting five players at once (with extra players available to sub in and out if need be). While UK has, many times in the past, had a rough platooning schematic due to a depth of solid players at multiple positions, this would seem to be the strongest true instance we’ve seen of it in recent years.

With platooning poised to work mightily for the Wildcats during the 2014-15 season, rumor around those who’ve witnessed practices is that platooning isn’t the only miltary-themed tactic we might see this season. While talking with an unnamed source this past week I garnered some insight into other secret plays coming to Rupp in the near future, and at the risk of angering my source I feel it’s my duty to share those with you today in a piece we’ll call Military Terms Adapted to University of Kentucky Wildcat Basketball. As always, you’re welcome. And I’ll see you next week.

—–

Platooning
Originally seen as a strategic move for baseball teams of the early-to-mid 1900’s, the approach is becoming increasingly popular for current-day basketball coaches with — aside from Cal — head coaches Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski experimenting with the platoon system.

Weak Side Attacking
Identifying the weaker links in a team’s defense and continuously exploiting those weaknesses by pushing to the goal in the most vulnerable spots. Example: Alex Poythress driving against an uneven defensive matchup in order to score more easily.

Flanking
By surrounding and containing an opposing team’s defense in the paint and surrounding them in three to four points on the perimeter increases UK’s options on finding a hole and shooting. Example: Aaron and Andrew Harrison exchanging quick passes back and forth, perhaps even with another forward, until a weak spot for one to shoot opens up.

Ambush
Lulling the opposing team into a false sense of confidence and then surprising them at the opportune moment. Example: Dakari Johnson hides behind the goal, leading the opposition to believe the Wildcats are currently playing only four players without a center, until suddenly Johnson leaps from behind it screaming and startles everyone as Trey Lyles simultaneously alley-oops the ball for his dunk.

Disinformation Propaganda
Intentionally false or inaccurate information that is spread intentionally, manipulating the opposition at a rational level by supporting false conclusions. Example: Marcus Lee, during game play, turns to Dominique Hawkins and loudly asks him “Is the game over now?” to which Hawkins replies “Yes, it’s time to go to the locker room.” The opposition, overhearing this misleading information, walks off the court and allows the offense to continue to score unimpeded.

Night Combat
Reducing visibility of a defense in order to capitalize on attacking in familiar territory under the cover of darkness. Example: During the second half of the North Carolina game, the power in Rupp goes out as Willie Cauley-Stein and Derek Willis — using ancient meditation and sense-memory techniques to visualize the court and its dimensions — maneuver quietly through the blackout and secretly score during the confusion on-court before the lights return.

Amphibious Warfare
Using water-based maneuvers to attack opponents onto hostile territory. Example: During a time out, Rob Bromley stealthily and “accidentally” spills several water bottles onto the court, creating a hazardous surface by which to lure the opposing offense, stealing the ball as they slide comically around or an offensive player hilariously looks like he is running but is going no where because he’s running on water and everyone is laughing at him, embarrassing him.

Airborne Operations
Attacking strategic targets by air. Example: As precious final seconds tick off the clock during a tied game, Karl Towns appears with arms spread and flies over the court, dropping Tyler Ulis through the basket with the ball. Crowd goes wild. Game over.


Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

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Excuse me, young man. I’m a hobo clown and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the locomotive station. As you can see, I have all my belongings wrapped in a handkerchief on this stick, and I have tattered gloves, and I just want to hit the open road to HAHAHAHA GOT YOU! It’s just me, your old pal Tomlin! Not a hobo clown. I love Halloween.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the season of the witch is upon us, Halloween, with its creepy ghosts and goblins and terror lurking around every corner. As I know you love Halloween as much as I do, I thought I might drop in today with my annual collection of frightening Halloween stories for you to share at your own get-togethers this weekend. Try not to get too scared by them; they are fairly horrifying. Buckle in and prepare to be scared. And have a happy Halloween, everyone.

——-

The Scary Houseguest

A young couple returned home from a Halloween party one night and retired to the bedroom to go to sleep. An hour later, a knock came at the door. “Humvahamamuh!” a voice mumbled through the door, “huvnanamaaahhh!” The husband bravely opened the door to see a horrifying spectre from his past. “Hammvanamavahamma!” the spectre moaned.
“Who is it?” asked his wife, frightened.
“It’s just Billy Gillispie,” said the husband. “He probably wants a ride home or something.”
“Weird,” said the wife. “I thought he went back to Texas.”
“I did too, to be honest,” replied the husband. “But he’s out here on the porch.”
“That’s crazy,” said the wife.
“Yeah, I know,” answered the husband.

———

The Phantom Reporter

Vanderbilt Football Head Coach Derek Mason sat in his office one afternoon, going through scouting reports, when a reporter knocked at his door and walked into his office. The reporter looked very pale; he had deep-set, dark eyes, and he pierced Derek Mason with an intense gaze. “Coach Mason,” he said very hauntingly, “are you pleased with how the team has been playing?”
“I think we’re playing very good football but getting some tough breaks,” said Mason.
“Well,” said the creepy reporter. “I think the team looks very good.”
Later, when Mason was meeting with his staff, he asked “Hey, do any of you guys know of a creepy reporter who looks really pale and has a really spooky stare? He came by my office and told me the team looked very good.”
The room became very quiet as the staff looked around at each other in shock.
“Coach, that wasn’t just any reporter,” said assistant coach Charles Bankins. “That was Keith Handley, the reporter who dresses up to make himself look like a ghost reporter.”
“Oh, okay,” said Mason. “That makes sense now. But why do you all look so scared?”
“Because,” replied Bankins. “Vanderbilt football hasn’t been very good since at least 1982!

———

A Vision from the Past

Mississippi State Basketball Head Coach Rick Ray came out of the locker room to practice and blew his whistle. “Okay, let’s get started!” he shouted.
The team looked at him in disbelief. “C-Coach, your head!” said Tevin Moore, handing him a mirror.
As he peered into the mirror, he shrieked at the horrific visage in the reflection. “Oh, dear God no,” he cried.
“What is it?” asked Moore.
Ray clutched his head, breaking the mirror dropping to his knees, his wails filling Humphrey Coliseum. “It’s the ghost of Rick Stansbury’s hair!”

———

The Ghost Coaches

Bruce Pearl walked through Auburn Arena with the University President, discussing his role as Auburn’s new head coach.
“We think you’ll do great here,” said the President, ” and we’re happy to have you. But I have to warn you, sometimes people say Auburn Arena is haunted by the ghosts of old coaches.”
“Really?” Asked Pearl.
“Yes,” said the President. “A janitor once said he saw old Sonny Smith, pacing the sidelines as if he was still coaching a phantom team.”
Wow,” said Pearl.
“And once,” continued the President, “an administrative assistant said she swears Shug Jordan was standing at the end of one of the halls, looking at old trophies in the case.”
“Amazing,” said Pearl.
“One time,” said the President, “a player said he saw Bill Lynn standing in that doorway over there, watching him play.”
“That’s unbelievable,” said Pearl. “Hey, isn’t that Tony Barbee sitting over there in the rafters right now?”
“Yes,” said the President, “but that’s not a ghost. That’s really Tony Barbee, he still lives here in the basement and sleeps on a cot.”

———
A Mystery on the Farm

One autumn, a month before Halloween, a farmer began noticing over the course of several weeks that his chickens and pigs were disappearing from their pens. At first he suspected foxes or coyotes were the culprit, but traps wouldn’t stop the disappearances. In the fresh mud near the chicken and pigpens, each morning, he noticed giant footsteps in the ground.
Each night the same thing happened; chickens would disappear, giant footsteps would appear in the mud.
“Maybe it’s Bigfoot,” the farmer’s wife said.
“There’s no such thing as Bigfoot,” scoffed the farmer.
As Halloween approached the disappearances continued, along with the footprints, so the farmer decided one evening to sit up in a chair and find out what was happening. The night grew late, and the farmer fell asleep in his chair only to wake to a noise in the grass.
“Who is it? Who’s out there?” shouted the farmer into the darkness. His pulse pounded and he was paralyzed with fear to come face to face with whatever waited in the shadows.
“Oh, hey, it’s just me,” said freshman Kentucky center Karl Towns, stepping into the light. “Sometimes I like to take night walks. I hope that’s okay that I cut through your farm. Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you that there’s a hole in your fence and I think your chickens and pigs are escaping.”


Photobombing: Mississippi State University

Photobombing: Mississippi State University

 

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Welcome to Mississippi State University! We are happier than pigs in slop that you have chosen to continue your edgy-cation with us at MSU and can’t wait for you to learn all the great things about the University. You will have already received your mandatory cowbell and Duck Dynasty™ Season 6 DVD and you’re ready to embark on a mission of learning!

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With a beautiful, picturesque Southern campus and down-home hospitality, the friends you make at MSU will be among the best you’ll ever meet, whether gathering together to study, chat or just relax and enjoy each other’s company. If you need to use the bathroom at any time, Keith, just use a bottle. It’s okay.

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Whether you’re commuting or living on campus, Mississippi State will inevitably become “home” in no time, which means that — just like the home you grew up in — you can murder any trespasser who steps foot on your land. They will be buried in an unmarked graveyard back behind the Poultry Science Building. Sssshhh! Remember: you are within your rights!

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Lunch is available from 10:30 am to 1:45 pm weekdays, 11:00 am to 1:00 pm on Saturday and Sunday. Meal choices in Mississippi State’s dining halls include barbecue, lemonade tea and barbecue. And lemonade tea.

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Here we see the MSU Budgetary Committee putting the finishing touches on the 2015 residence halls budget in one of  MSU’s state-of-the-art meeting boardrooms. You won’t find any “bull” in MSU’s hardworking administration (though you may find an actual bull, which you should be sensitive not to provoke).

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Mississippi State Student Government loves to work hard…and play hard! Everyone mugs for the camera except the blonde in the top right, who was under the impression that joining Student Government would be a great way to impact the campus and not just watch a bunch of hilarious cut-ups quote lines from Glee. Sorry, Katie!

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The Department of Public Safety at Mississippi State is always on alert and protecting you and the campus from harm. Except during break time, which is time for the officers to — Hey, we told you not to come in here! It’s not what it looks like, okay? It’s…it’s…listen you better not say anything about this you hear me? This is what makes us feel alive and no one understands.

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At Mississippi State we love Bully, our bulldog mascot. Here we see Bully alongside his costumed counterpart and — uh oh! Hands where we can see them, you two!

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Students from Mississippi State’s Fashion Design & Merchandising Department gather together to celebrate another year of great collaboration. As you can see, there are varying degrees of skill level at work in the Mississippi State Fashion Design & Merchandising Deparment. But we’re a family, and that’s what counts. Seriously, many of us are literally family, which makes the Fashion Design & Merchandising Department Christmas Dance a target for the media each year.

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Get in on the “act” when you study musical theater at Mississippi State University in our illustrious Drama Department! Deliver your lines and “steal the show” when you take the stage among your peers. Please be on the lookout for Phillip, though; he is not affiliated with Mississippi State University or its Drama Department — he simply loves musical theater. If you see him please alert your professors as Phillip is currently under a legal restraining order.

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College is a great time for “partying,” but please be responsible. That rabbit is not real, Clem, and perhaps you shouldn’t be driving. No one else can see it but you. You probably need to lie down.

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Whatever interests you pursue at Mississippi State, you can do it while ridiculously ringing a cowbell at all times. Trust us, everybody really loves it a lot, so by all means please keep doing it all the time.

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I SAID HANDS WHERE WE COULD SEE THEM, YOU TWO. Somebody get me a hose.


10 Things You Didn’t Know About LSU (Number 6 Might Surprise You!)

10 Things You Didn’t Know About LSU (Number 6 Might Surprise You!)

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How well do you know our opponent this weekend? The following TRUE facts might surprise you!

1. The fans once caused an earthquake.

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The crowd reaction to a play at a 1988 home game was strong and loud enough to register as an earthquake by a seismograph in an LSU classroom building.

2. Mike the Tiger can forecast the future.

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Rumor has it that LSU mascot Mike the Tiger can predict the number of touchdowns his team will score by the number of times he roars just before game time.

3. Head Coach Les Miles tastes the grass at each stadium he visits.

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The quirk originates from reporters spying Miles eating grass from Tiger Stadium after a win against Alabama. Additionally, on Friday mornings before home games Miles arrives at the stadium to chew the entire field down to a very tidy 1.2 inches.

4. Eating the food at an LSU tailgate will kill you.

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The average life expectancy of a Louisianan in 2014 is 34 years old, owing largely to high triglycerides, moonshine still explosions, airboat accidents and inadvertent bear trap activation.

5. Mike the Tiger dutifully receives two digital rectal exams per year.

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It’s very important, even for tigers, to stay ahead of colorectal polyps and other illnesses of the prostate and lower intestine.

6. LSU loses an average of 23 fans to water moccasin bites each year.

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Campus officials have tried to curb the snake population inside the stadium but, although numbers appear to be on the decline, have yet to eradicate the snakes within the upper sections.

7. This is a photograph of the current President of Louisiana State University.

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His name is René Moses Babineaux, he loves a good crawfish boil and most decidedly voted AGAINST Newton Crain Blanchard in the last election.

8. Tailgating outside of Tiger Stadium on game day is a family event.

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LSU fans indoctrinate young football-lovers into the fold early, involving them in many of the traditional activities of LSU tailgating at a young age.

9. While visiting Baton Rouge, you run a roughly 67% chance of a Voodoo Man putting a horrific spell on you.

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Upon your safe arrival home it is advised that you check your body for tails, extra eyeballs or the very popular “fire-brain.”

10. By vote in 2011, the Constitution of the State of Louisiana was officially replaced by a widescreen DVD copy of Smokey and the Bandit II.

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It is already more successful than its historic predecessor, which only featured Dom DeLuise a little bit.

 

 

 


Excerpts from Steve Spurrier’s Feelings Journal

Excerpts from Steve Spurrier’s Feelings Journal

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September 12, 2014
Write about what keeping a Feelings Journal means to you.

I don’t like it because I think it’s stupid but I guess Dr. Shapiro thinks it will help me sort some things out. I don’t think I need this but if that nerd will get off my back whatever. It’s better than talking to him. Here’s my feeling – this is dumb. I know you’re reading this Dr. Shapiro and I hate you.

September 14, 2014
Write about a day which was enjoyable to you.

Last Wednesday I spent the day riding an ATV around campus and throwing pennies at the English faculty staff picnic it was hilarious those dorks kept telling us to stop but we had so many pennies because we went to the bank and got them. Then Frank and I peed in a jar together and that means we’re pee brothers forever. Then we went to Hooters and I ate like fifty superhot wings and the girls there were total eights. Then I saw a raccoon eating out of some garbage in my neighborhood it was hilarious. Then I went to bed.

September 19, 2014
Write a list of things that make you happy. Then write a list of things that make you sad.

Things that make me happy
hot wings
BIKE shorts
my HD sunglasses
boat partying
steve austin’s broken skull challenge

Things that make me sad
losing at football
spilling beer
the end of boondocks saints
when Outback is closed
being alone in the dark

September 23, 2014
Write about a time you felt afraid.

One time I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of how small we are in the universe. Also one time when I was at Señor Frogs in myrtle beach and there was a shots contest and I took seven shots in a minute I was afraid I wouldn’t win the contest so I hit the other guy in the nuts and won.

September 27, 2013
What makes you feel worried?

sometimes i get worried that the bass pro shop will run out of deer scram. Also sometimes i worry about human freedom and the consequences which can come, good or bad, based on the rejection or acceptance of that freedom, and I wonder if I will always be able to treasure and not abuse that given freedom.

September 29, 2014
Complete this sentence. “Almost every day, I feel like…”

Almost every day I feel like even though our world is full of harsh realities and helpless moments that people are inherently good, and this struggle can be mollified by letting go and realizing that while the uncontrollable is a constant in our world, we each possess the power to create our own positive realities within our own individual lives. How do you like that does it make you happy Dr Shapiro you stupid nerd.


The Vanderbilt University Guide to Football for the Uninitiated Student

The Vanderbilt University Guide to Football for the Uninitiated Student

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Hello, friends. Good to see you! I have great news! No, you first. No, you. No…seriously. Go ahead. Okay, we’ll both go at the same time. One, two, three I GOT YOU TICKETS TO THE MAROON 5 CONCERT! I know how much you love them, and so I thought I’d surprise you with…wait, did you just say Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine murdered your loved one? Wow, this surprise took a weird and gruesome twist.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that tomorrow is our face-off against the mighty Vanderbilt Commodores. It should be fun. Those Nashville smarties are always a good time. But it’s interesting to note that the eggheads from Music City, most of them, aren’t born football fans. Oh no. In fact, in the last couple of years the school has had such little luck recruiting new fans that they’ve resorted to sending out an email document to the intellectual new students explaining just what it is they’re supposed to go out and cheer for on fall Saturdays. And, lucky for you, we just happen to have gained a copy of said email document for our own perusal here today. You wonder how Commodore fans are born? I give you the Vanderbilt University Guide to Football for the Uninitiated Student. As always, you’re welcome.

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To: The Vanderbilt Freshman Class
From: David Williams, Vanderbilt Athletic Director
Re: Football

Dear New Students,

We are pleased to welcome you to Vanderbilt University and your new fandom of the Vanderbilt Commodores Sporting Teams! This fall marks another banner year for the ‘Dores and we can’t wait to see you rooting on the team in all its glory each Saturday!

Focus groups have recently alerted us to the fact that many of you, while excelling in academic areas during your high school years, may not be particularly familiar with the nuances of the sport of football. That’s why today we’d like to offer up a few tips for getting through the season that we hope will help you understand the game better so you may garner maximum enjoyment of your new school’s team and its “tradition.”

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I. Tailgating
Ah, the age-old tradition of tailgating at a University sports game! Tailgating is the act of congregating before a game, often in an area just outside or near the venue where the game will be played. Here you can enjoy the camaraderie of your friends and fellow students. Suggested items of conversation at a “tailgate party” may include (but are not limited to):
-How your sport team is faring statistically in its recent events
-Which player on the team is your favorite player
-The degree of agreeability of the supplied food (if applicable)
-Your opinion on the eventual outcome of the sporting match
Generally, alcoholic beverages are served at a football tailgate party, but you are by no means expected to partake in these beverages. Should you choose to do so, please know your limits. Also, please leave your paper mache swords and magic wands at home — this is not the place for them. There will be plenty of time to be a class-5 sorcerer at your local guild gathering on Tuesday nights; Saturdays are for football!

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II. Attire
What’s the proper attire for attending a college football game? We have good news and bad news. The good news is that you will not be close enough (probably) to the field for a player to throw a football at your face and break your glasses — but the bad news is that there should at least an effort to wear clothing that supports your team (The Commodores!) and shows a commitment to their victory. Don’t hide that Vandy sweatshirt beneath a bulky trenchcoat; swap your Spiderman face paint for a sharp Vanderbilt logo or some eye black. A jersey is always a great idea too! If you’re worried that you may be mistaken for a player, don’t worry. Also, a “jersey” is the name of the shirt the football players wear. If you must wear a button-down shirt, be sure to make it the colors of the team — black and gold — or wear a university t-shirt over it. Not wearing school colors will certainly make you stand out like Doctor Octopus in an issue of Iron Man: Secret Invasion!

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III. Gameplay
Understanding the game of football can be a daunting task at first, but you’ll pick it up in no time! One team is the “offense,” which completes a series of pre-planned plays in an effort to get the ball downfield to score a “touchdown” for 6 points. The “defensive” team tries to stop the offense. If a touchdown is scored, the scoring team will get to attempt a kick the football for an extra point. Also, a “safety” is when…actually, you know what? Just cheer when everyone else cheers.

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IV. Length of Game
The game consists of four fifteen-minute quarters. If you sit through two of these quarters you will be rewarded with a marching band performance! Then only two more until you get to go back to World of Warcraft!!

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V. Cheering
Cheering is an important part of being a football fan.
Wrong: Win the contest, team!
Right: Win the [game], [Vandy]!
Wrong: Make the ball go into the score quadrant!
Right: [Put] the ball into the [endzone]!
Wrong: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug!
Right: [Go Commodores]!

With the right attitude and commitment to our football team, you can help cheer Vanderbilt to victory this season! We can’t wait to spot you out at the stadium on Saturdays, after your Civil War re-enactment but before your midnight RISK marathon. See you there!

David Williams
Athletic Director, Vanderbilt University


Airbnb Reviews from Tent City

Airbnb Reviews from Tent City

 

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Hello, friends. How are you? What have you been up to? Hey, why aren’t you talking? Hello? Friend? Wait a minute this IS A MANNEQUIN DRESSED AS YOU. Oh, there you are! Ha! You got me. I totally fell for it. Good one. Where did you get a mannequin?

Friends, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the line for Big Blue Madness tickets is in up and running and Tent City is in full force. If you’ve never been to Tent City, it’s kind of like Bonnaroo for the types of people you might see at your local barber shop. You have to get there early to get in line or you’re sunk — and getting a good place in line isn’t easy. That’s why it’s fortunate, then, that the hip new app Airbnb has begun to list open tent spaces in Tent City for those seeking accommodations. If you’re not familiar with Airbnb, it essentially allows you rent a room, a house, a space or just a bed for the night from someone who has an extra one open, and for a predetermined fee. But what spaces are available on Airbnb for Tent City 2014? And how are the reviews? Let’s look at some potential candidates in a piece we’ll call Airbnb Reviews from Tent City, shall we, and see if there are any deals out there? Enjoy, friends, and I’ll see you here next week.

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Orange Tent, Northwest Corner
About this listing:
Spacious mylar tent sleeps three, offers moon flap and vented windows. Easy access in and out, light and airy.
Accommodates: 3
Nearest Restroom: 45 feet
Review:
“Not bad, close to Qdoba”
images-1images-1images-1images-1 by Marion P.
Linda and Tad were great hosts; they had Nutri-Grain bars and Capri-Suns for when we needed a snack and they really made us feel at home. Comfortable, warm. Will be back. Four stars.

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Peaceful Oasis in Tent City, Close to Memorial
About this listing: Large, comfortable four-person dome tent, 63 square feet, with fiberglass poles and WeatherTec moisture repellent system.
Check-in time: 2:00 pm
Pet-friendly: No
Review:
“Great tent except for Gary”
images-1images-1images-1 by Jennifer H.
Was recommended to this tent by friends. Very nice tent but host Gary kept trying to hold my hand. Woke in the middle of the night to him watching me sleep; insisted on calling the tent “Smoochville” and trying to kiss me as he claimed to be the “Mayor of Smoochville.” Good tickets not worth this. Some underwear may still be missing. Avoid at all costs.

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Great Spot for Superfans, Center of Tent City
About this listing: True Blue fans host other Wildcat supporters in six-person tent with zippered doors and cushioned tarp floor. Wind-resistent walls/roof.
Accepts Credit Cards?: Yes
Cancellation policy: 24 hour notice
Review:
“Perfect for Willie Cauley-Stein fans”
images-1images-1images-1 by Charles O.
Debra and Steve seemed really cool at first, big fans of Willie Cauley-Stein; later in the evening they started showing me pictures they drew of Willie as a half-man, half-dragon and reading fan fiction about him as a space wizard in love with a human woman named “Moonwolf” (clearly supposed to be Debra). When they told me they’d pay me $5,000 if I kidnapped him I called a friend to come pick me up. They are keeping my deposit and I’m okay with that.

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Luxury Camping Above-Ground
About this listing: Heavy-duty polymer material, rainfly, metal pole support, sky-vue window
Minimum Stay: 1 night
Meals: No
Review:
“Wayne Just Tried to Kill Me”
images-1images-1 by Brad M.
Can somebody please tell the police I’m in the back of a truck tent and my host wayne just told me tried to give me a WILDCATS 2014 tattoo with a paperclip and when I refused he said he was going to murder me i convinced him to let me have time to write this review and im using it as my message for help im behind the papa johns please somebody help me two stars will not use this location again

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Compact and Cozy
About this listing: Petite turnkey tent with great Memorial Coliseum view; friendly host.
Smoking: No
Accommodates: 1
Review:
“This Tent is for a Dog”
images-1 by Lawrence P.
Do not be fooled by the photo; this is a tent made for a dog. The picture is of a small dog, not a regular size tent with just a very large dog, like I thought. It is a very misleading picture and if you are a normal-sized human this is not the tent for you. The dog is very cute, however. And the view of Memorial is nice.That part is accurate.

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De-stress and relax in peace!
About this listing: Woven polymer material, rain/wind resistant
Bed: None
Review:
“What is this thing?”
(no stars) by Shane T.
Too small. I want my money back. Body got cold during night. I better get great tickets for this. Next year will be getting in line early, with my own tent.


Seventeen Movie Soundtracks You Need to Own Right Now

Seventeen Movie Soundtracks You Need to Own Right Now

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With the smash Guardians of the Galaxy essentially walking off the summer blockbuster crown for 2014, ticket sales are starting to wind down a bit as the film runs its course. Still making the rounds is the Guardians soundtrack, which has topped Billboard charts at number one and still sits high at number three after six weeks. Surely the soundtrack — which boasts classic rock and soul from the likes of The Runaways, Marvin Gaye and Redbone — is the most successful single soundtrack in recent months, perhaps even years. But the smash soundtrack — or even the very well-cobbled soundtrack — certainly is nothing new in 2014. Let’s take a look at a gaggle of must-have movie soundtracks, soundtracks that you should own and some which might surprise you.

SOUNDTRACKS YOU MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW

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Forrest Gump (1994)

Few film soundtracks have made their way into as many collections over the past thirty years as the eras-spanning collection found on the two-disc Forrest Gump soundtrack. Winding its way, like its titular hero, from Elvis Presley’s 50’s to Bob Seger’s early 80’s, it’s as much a history lesson as a damn good compendium of American music.
Come for: “Volunteers,” Jefferson Airplane
Stay for: “Sloop John B,” The Beach Boys

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Saturday Night Fever (1977)

Whether you like disco or not, it’s impossible to argue that the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack isn’t a master class on the short-lived genre. A host of Bee Gees songs dominate the track list, as it probably should, but sprinkled in are great gems from Kool and the Gang and K.C. & the Sunshine band as well. It’s a fine set o’ tunes. Even if disco’s dead.
Come for: “Night Fever,” The Bee Gees
Stay for: “Night on Disco Mountain,” David Shire

Unknown-12America Graffiti (1973)

George Lucas’ valentine to 1950’s America has a soundtrack that’s possibly even more encompassing than the massively famous cast itself. If you want the definitive, A-to-Z lesson on all rock and blues in the 50’s, this is absolutely it. Buy it for yourself,  your children, your grandchildren. It’s simply music everyone should have in the arsenal.
Come for: “Chantilly Lace,” The Big Bopper
Stay for: “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes,” The Platters

Pulp Fiction (1994)Unknown-13

What, you thought the Pulp Fiction soundtrack wouldn’t make the must-have list? Shame on you. While Tarantino practically invented the organic “soundtrack event” with the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack, he blew out the entire concept while (admittedly) writing specific tracks into various specific scenes of the film. Put it on and let it play.
Come for: “If Love is a Red Dress,” Maria McKee
Stay for: “Flowers on the Wall,” The Statler Brothers

Goodfellas (1990)Unknown-10

Martin Scorsese is an absolute expert at two things: making movies and picking soundtracks for those movies. His selections for the mob autobiography Goodfellas captures both the romance of Henry Hill’s early forays into the 50’s mafia and continue to the frenetic 1970’s end of his run. All is accounted for here, combining for a musical experience as strong as the movie itself.
Come for: “Rags to Riches,” Tony Bennett
Stay for: “Mannish Boy,” Muddy Waters

Unknown-14The Blues Brothers (1980)

The Blues Brothers was an SNL character film that somehow broke free and ended up as one of the great action-comedies of all time. It’s also, as the Belushi and Aykroyd were themselves, a sound delivery system of blues, gospel and soul music. Upbeat and solid, the soundtrack is all high points from old-school masters.
Come for: “The Old Landmark,” James Brown
Stay for: “Minnie the Moocher,” Cab Calloway

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) Unknown-15

Under the guidance of Grammy-winner T-Bone Burnett, the soundtrack to the Coen Brothers’ Odysseus-esque, Depression-era comedy became the go-to collection for the hippest folks in the room. A great combo of folk music, bluegrass, blues and country, the soundtrack is alternately peaceful, deep and funny.
Come for: “Down to the River to Pray,” Allison Krauss
Stay for: “Big Rock Candy Mountain,” Harry McClintock

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SOUNDTRACKS YOU SHOULD OWN RIGHT NOW

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(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Feeling twee? Here ya go. Whether you thought the Deschanel/Gordon-Levitt indie darling was deserving of its praise or not, it’s got a strong soundtrack. From Temper Trap to Hall & Oates, it’s a good mix of alternately moody and sunny sounds to wear your porkpie hat or Che Guevara Urban Outfitters t-shirt to.
Come for: “Here Comes Your Man,” The Pixies
Stay for: “Us,” Regina Spektor

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Rushmore (1999)

Whether you love Wes Anderson or not — and he can be divisive — the man knows how to put a soundtrack together. Rushmore’s is heavy on the British Invasion, sprinkling Mark Mothersbaugh’s distinctive score among tracks by The Who, The Kinks, Cat Stevens and The Faces. Eclectic, rousing and positive, like all Anderson soundtracks.
Come for: “A Quick One While He’s Away,” The Who
Stay for: “Making Time,” The Creation

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Mallrats (1995)

In collating the Mallrats soundtrack, director Kevin Smith put together a strong sampling of dissenting, almost tongue-in-cheek mall-rock to match up with the comedy. It’s not a lot of “big hits,” but each sounds like it could have been. Bonus: for a long time it was the only place to get Weezer’s “Suzanne,” which in my opinion is absolutely one of the band’s greatest songs.
Come for: “Line Up,” Elastica
Stay for: “Build Me Up Buttercup,” The Goops

Belly (1998)Unknown-9

A gritty soundtrack to pair with Hype Williams’ gritty urban drama about crime and drugs, Belly is a great cross-section of turn-of-the-millenium hip-hop with a who’s who kind of lineup. A lot of credit here goes to Sean “Puffy” Combs, or whatever he called himself back then, for bringing some big hitters in for a strong soundtrack.
Come for: “Grand Finale,” DMX, Method Man, Nas and Ja-Rule
Stay for: “Windpipe,” Wu-Tang Clan

Unknown-7Clueless (1995)

I can hear you laughing, and you’re wrong. Whatever you think this soundtrack might be like, I guarantee it’s better than you think. 90’s pop-hipsters like Supergrass, Cracker, Counting Crows, Jill Sobule and Luscious Jackson combine for a high-energy collection that deserves a place in any music collection.
Come for: “Fake Plastic Trees,” Radiohead
Stay for: “All the Young Dudes,” World Party

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The Breakfast Club (1985)

While the premier teen 1980’s movie may not have the greatest 80’s soundtrack, bear in mind that there really weren’t a lot of 80’s movies that did boast a great hits-filled 80’s soundtrack. You’ll be very pleased with what’s here, though, and you’ll recognize it when you hear it. Plus — c’mon — “(Don’t You) Forget About Me?” If you hate that, you’re simply a monster. A monster!
Come for: “We Are Not Alone,” Karla DeVito
Stay for: “Fire in the Twilight,” Wang Chung
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SOUNDTRACKS YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR

Beautiful Girls (1996)Unknown-1

If you’ve seen this movie, I don’t have to tell you how special and great and underseen by the rest of your friends it is. The same can be said about the soundtrack. Warm, stacked and (I daresay) even romantic, the wealth of really solid tracks and artists on the Beautiful Girls soundtracks is stellar, from The Spinners to the Afghan Wigs. Really, check it out.
Come for: “Me and Mrs. Jones,” Billy Paul
Stay for: “Beth,” Kiss

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)Unknown

Two versions of alt-classic “There She Goes” bookend this soundtrack — one by the Boo Radleys and the original by the La’s — but its filled out by a Toad the Wet Sprocket, Chris Whitley and the Darling Buds. Plus it features Big Audio Dynamite II’s “Rush,” which is simply one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s really all you need to know.
Come for: “Two Princes,” The Spin Doctors
Stay for: “Saturday Night,” Ned’s Atomic Dustbin

BASEketball (1998)Unknown-4

The ska/swing movement left us almost as soon as it began, but if you’re having trouble locating all your Less Than Jake or Skank’n Pickle albums these days, just pick up the soundtrack to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s BASEketball for all your ska and big band needs. And Reel Big Fish covers A-Ha’s  “Take On Me,” which is worth the price of admission.
Come for: “Jump In Line,” Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
Stay for: “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful,” Nerf Herder

Unknown-1Urban Cowboy (1980)

Go ahead and laugh, but this is could easily fit into the “must-haves” list based on its late 70’s/early 80’s country pedigree alone. Get this lineup: Bob Seger. Boz Scaggs. Jimmy Buffett. The Charlie Daniels Band. The Eagles. It might as well be called “Now That’s What I Call Easy Listening Country Music 1979!” Why are you still sitting here? Go. GO!
Come for: “Lookin’ for Love,” Johnny Lee
Stay for: “Here Comes the Hurt Again,” Mickey Gilley


The (Mis)Quotable JoJo Kemp

The (Mis)Quotable JoJo Kemp

Clay Jackson/cjackson@amnews.com

“I’m familiar with a lot of guys, hang out with those guys. A couple of my teammates actually went to Florida, so I’m familiar with a lot of those guys. It’s going to be fun walking out with a victory and rubbing it in their faces.”

-JoJo Kemp on Saturday’s Florida game

“…Like I told him yesterday, ‘You think they’re gonna hear all that? They’re gonna hear the last five seconds of what you said’….I don’t think that was very smart.”

-UK Football Coach Stoops on JoJo Kemp’s comments about his friends who play for Florida

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Hello, friends. You look well. That’s a very fashionable scarf. No, really. It’s very nice. Why is it…oh, you’re presenting on the new Apple iPhone 6 telecast? Well, good for you. No, I think people are really going to like it. It looks cool.’

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend is going to be a reality check for the Wildcats as they face the almost-always-fairly-intimidating Florida Gators. UT-Martin and Ohio may have gone down [relatively] easy, but rest assured the boys in blue and orange most certainly will not. Unfortunately, a kerfluffle has erupted in the past few days concerning a quote taken out of context by Kentucky running back JoJo Kemp, who — while joking about his high school friends from Florida — made a comment seen by the Florida football community as a shot across the bow. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not the first time the well-meaning JoJo has been misquoted to controversial extent in the media. You will probably remember these other regrettable quotes from last season in a piece we’ll call The (Mis)Quotable JoJo Kemp. Enjoy, I’ll see you next week, and Go Cats.

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On Vanderbilt — November 13, 2013

Kemp: I feel really good about Saturday’s Vandy game, and I feel like everyone’s firing on all cylinders right now and that we’re really clicking. I truly believe that, just as I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. (laughs) I don’t really, that’s a joke. It’s not like I believe Nickelback is the greatest band in history. It would be crazy to say that, wouldn’t it? Crazy to say “Nickelback is the greatest band in history.”

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On Missouri — November 4

Reporter: How do you feel about Missouri’s one-loss season so far? Does it make you nervous?
Kemp: No, no. You know, it doesn’t make me nervous. But they are good. Are they the best in the SEC? I don’t know. That’s a tough thing to definitively say, you know? You can’t just go making definitive statements until everything is said and done, right? I mean, that’s why I’m certainly not going around saying, quote, “I, JoJo Kemp, am 100% certain that America faked the moon landing,” unquote.

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On Alabama State — November 1, 2013

Kemp: Do we need this win? Absolutely. Any win right now is invaluable to us. Why wouldn’t we need this win? It’s absolutely something we need at this point in time, unlike the United States Postal Service.

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On South Carolina — October 2, 2013

Kemp: South Carolina’s a very strong team, but I really think we’re strong enough right now to take them down.
Reporter: It’s supposed to be hot on Saturday, how will you cope with the heat?
Kemp: (laughs) I am going to keep my water bottle full of pure spring water because I do not believe that the government should dictate whether the controlled addition of fluoride should be introduced to our potable water supply.

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On Georgia — November 19, 2013

Kemp: Sure, Georgia’s good. Not as good as they usually are, but they’re good. It’ll be a fair fight but I think we’re going to come out on top. All we have to do is play the best game we can play and put some points on the board. Also, The Wire isn’t that great of a TV show.

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On Alabama — October 10, 2013

Kemp: When we go out there, we’re just gonna make our routine plays and they’re gonna get scored on this week. (laughs)
Reporter: “You’re guaranteeing it?
Kemp: Oh yeah, I’m guaranteeing it.
Reporter: How many times?
Kemp: Kentucky will score 487 touchdowns.


2014 Season Football Preview of Non-Football Players

2014 Season Football Preview of Non-Football Players

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Graham

Last Year: 2013 was a rough year for Graham, as he had that one night where he got really drunk at the Alabama State game and his foot went through that sewer grate, requiring some minor medical attention. He also was really into the Black Keys then, and talked about them all the time; it was really annoying. You remember.
This Year’s Outlook: If Graham’s going to be valuable at a tailgate, he’s going to have to stop telling everyone about his gallbladder surgery over the summer — we’ve all heard the story and it’s gross and we don’t care. Graham is on the bubble for the 2014 season; he could turn out a great tailgating season or he could blow it all by mid-September.
What the Media is Saying: “Graham is one to watch on Saturday, because it’s really a make-or-break day for him. If he brings his A-game and can just be cool about things, that’s good. If he has more than four bourbons, all bets are off — we wouldn’t want to be cleaning up that mess. And who’s he into these days? Ed Sheeran? Yeah, he best just leave all that at home.”

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Rick

Last Year: Rick had a great thing going in 2013; despite a long trip in from western KY on Game Day he was pretty good about rallying. We won’t soon forget his scathing “Taylor Hudson Sucks” chant about the Vanderbilt punter or the colorful and creative impromptu songs he made up about Alabama’s Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix. He only urinated in his pants twice that we know of, a strong uptick since 2012 when that was a frequent occurrence.
This Year’s Outlook: Rick has a new truck, a crew cab F450 adorned with UK magnets, and has been boasting an optimistic outlook on Stoops & company for the new season. “Rick said he’s going to get tore up this year,” said his longtime friend Charles Ray, “but not so tore up that he doesn’t make it to the game. That’s big for him. He means it.”
What the Media is Saying: “Tailgating with Rick is like drinking Chardonnay at a wedding. It’s fine because it’s there, but cross the line and it’s just too much. Sure, he’s really fun when he’s leading everyone in a chorus of  ‘Country Girl (Shake it for Me)’, but the next thing you know he’s shoving you by the shoulder and telling you nobody wants you there. You can have too much of a good thing. Let’s hope he keeps things in the green zone for 2014 and we don’t have a repeat of the messy ‘Big & Rich has still got it’ fiasco of 2013.”

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Shawn P.

Last Year: Shawn P. struggled during halftime rushes at the north concourse concession stand, a problem which led to write-ups from Brad twice during the season; he regularly suffered from customer complaints of not enough ice and the occasional “being creepy.” Also, he had the unappetizing habit of regularly putting his thumb into a customer’s ice cream cone, something he claims was an accident because “the cones are too small for his hands.”
This Year’s Outlook: This year has seen some changes which should help Shawn P. — not the least of which is a relocation to the lower south concourse, requested because his staring was making Brittany uncomfortable. This stand boasts a new cheese dispenser, which should be easier to maneuver, and fill line marked inside the cups this year will serve as a benchmark for the amount of soda to provide.
What the Media is Saying: “Shawn has the rare opportunity to really turn things around for himself this year. For starters, no one else at his location is into anime, which should cut down on the distracting small talk. He’ll also be second in command by seniority, which should help put him into a leadership role. All of this can change for Shawn P., but only if he can keep that weird white dried up spittle from collecting in the corners of his mouth. He has to keep an eye on that if he wants to succeed, because no one wants to see that; it’s nasty.”

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Tracy

Last Year: Tracy’s 2013 started strong but really took a downturn in late October; she was really fun to be around for the first few games, and her friends were okay too, but then she broke up with Cameron and things really took a dark turn for her. She was constantly asking people what Cameron was doing, and whether he was hooking up with anyone else, and then she brought that guy everyone hated to the Tennessee tailgate and told us all she loved him and that he was so much better than Cameron. Whatever. We all knew she was just looking for attention from Cameron.
This Year’s Outlook: Tracy had a fling with one of the guys at her apartment complex over the summer so she seems pretty happy at the moment; his name’s Tad and I guess he’s okay even if he seems like kind of a chode. Anyway, we better get used to him because he’s going to be around every tailgate. Cameron’s with Serena now, and I don’t know if Tracy knows that yet — when she finds out she might go crazy. So, you know, 2014 is going to be interesting.
What the Media is Saying: “If Tracy’s really over Cameron, like she says, she might have a shot at being a solid tailgater in 2014. If not, look for more of her crying and being weird, like that really sad moment last season she was hitting herself in the head with the barbecue tongs and telling herself she didn’t deserve to be loved. Could go either way for Tracy this season.”

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Duke

Last Year: Keith brought Duke to every tailgate.
This Year’s Outlook: Keith will bring Duke to every tailgate again, and Duke will just stand there and occasionally eat a hot dog or some chips that fell on the ground. So look for more of the same from Duke in 2014.
What the Media is Saying: “Look, everyone knows Duke’s only here because Keith has to be the cool guy who brings his dog everywhere. And that’s fine, I guess. We all get it, just like we get that Keith goes hiking and eats quinoa and bikes around. Yeah, fine, okay, you’re outdoorsy. Leave the dog at home, Keith.”

 


Take the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz!

Take the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz!

Hello, Friends. Sup brah? Are you living large? How is it twerking? Ham?  How’s my bae? I’m sorry, I can’t talk like this anymore.

Friends, this week marks likely the last week of light coverage before Kentucky sports EXPLODES, beginning with a titanic showdown against UT-Martin to open the UK Football season and slowly, we can assume, segueing into October when — if what we saw over the last week and a half is to be believed — we will all be the happiest people in the college basketball world. It’s going to be wonderful, to be sure. Until then, this week is this week; and luckily for us Cal has put together some fun games to play while we wait for the sports seasons to begin. They’re all very mysterious, but he clearly seems to enjoy them. He’s like the Riddler. If you’re not a follower of Coach’s Twitter feed, we’ve been subjected to several photos with enigmatic questions posed beneath. Today, I’ve collected those photos for you in one place so you and your friends can play the Coach Cal Twitter Quiz. Get the family together and have a great time! And as always, we’ll see you next week for a little UT-Martin fun.

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Q: Where am I?

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Q: Who is this?

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Q: Where is this?

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Q: What is this?

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Q: Why are we here?

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Q: What is that smell?

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Q: How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?

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Q: What’s eating Gilbert Grape?

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Q: Are you going to finish that?

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Q: Have you driven a Ford lately?

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Q: What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?

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Q: Who up orlando?


Let’s Learn About the Dominican Republic!

Let’s Learn About the Dominican Republic!

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Hello, friends. Look, I got your nose! Ha, ha! No, I didn’t really. No, you still have a nose. Look, this is my thumb. Sorry, it was just a joke. No, I didn’t realize that was a sensitive subject with you. I’ll certainly not do that again, and I apologize.

Friends, if you’re no stranger to this blog then you already realize that the world domination of the 2014-2015 Kentucky Wildcats has found its origin point at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas, where these young ‘Cats are putting on quite the show for audiences across the nation. It’s all very, very exciting — but I don’t need to tell you that. Friends, the next on our list of targets is none other than the Dominican Republic, which led me to doing some research. Today, then, let’s pull some tourism shots for the country and learn about the Dominican Republic, shall we? We shall. See you next week, and go Cats.

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Welcome to the Dominican Republic! Our sun-kissed beaches and hot romantic nights will no doubt ensure a lovely visit for you and yours during your stay in our fair country. We are also not Puerto Rico, so if you have arrived here on accident please alert your travel advisor immediately so you can get where you need to go. Buses and boats run hourly.

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Go ahead, snap a selfie! After all, you’re in one of the most beautiful island nations in the world! Our official photographers will also be on hand to snap a commemorative photo of your selfie, which will be available in the gift shop for purchase. You don’t want to miss these beautiful memories!

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Rent a car and just cruise around! There’s nothing like exploring Dominica for yourself with your best friends. Take pictures of the beach, smile, laugh and enjoy life on “island time!”*
*Please watch the road at all times.

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Enjoy one of our leisurely cruises while staying in the Dominican Republic, where you may encounter sea turtles, dolphins or breathtaking coral reefs! All of these people have taken a break from sightseeing and are peeing in the water. Go ahead, it’s okay! No one will get upset with you!

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Please stay abreast of all rules and regulations set forth by the government while staying within the borders of the Dominican Republic. Notable offenses include “having worries!” and “not jammin'”! Just kidding. Murder, extortion and assault are actual offenses and punishable by extradition and will be treated with to the utmost extent of the law.

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Should you find yourself under arrest in the Dominican Republic (and we hope you won’t!), you will be enslaved in one of Dominica’s floating water prisons, of which there is no escape. Your home country will be notified and they will need to send a rescue team before you drown.

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Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to romance — Dominican style! Many on-location pieces and travel segments for ABC’s The Bachelorette have been filmed over the years, so fancy yourself a “bachelorette” of your own by taking a vacation from your job at accounts receivable, ditch those sweat pants and tell your family you’re going to “get your groove back” in the Dominican Republic! Don’t worry, we will not judge the sadness of your situation! We see it all the time! In fact, it accounts for nearly 1/3 of our economy!

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Or perhaps you want to treat your spouse to a week away in paradise…we’ve got you covered! Hang out at the pool bar and have a great time. Arturo, your bartender, will keep you refreshed with delicious rum-based beach drinks. Don’t worry that he hates you and wishes you’d stop talking about Restoration Hardware and Orange is the New Black. He just wants you to have a great time!

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Oh my! Looks like this lucky tourist made a new friend in one of the many seals who call Dominica home! You never know what you’ll find here in your exotic island travels!

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This is taking things too far. Please, during your time here, know the limits between human and wildlife. Sometimes a seal kiss is just a kiss and should not be interpreted as any kind of invitation for more.

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Ocean excursions are some of the most fun you’ll ever have in the water! Explore the Atlantic on one of our many recreational “banana boats” with your family and friends and see the ocean like you’ve never seen it before!

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*The likelihood of this occurring is very slim, we assure you.

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Head down to the Dominican Republic today for a vacation like you’ve never experienced! We can’t wait to meet, greet and entertain you and know a Dominican getaway will be just what you need. See you soon!

(Official photographs of selfies are available in gift shop.)