(Photo by Darrell Bird) So, it’s like the Baylor game never happened, right? Well, maybe →
Chris Tomlin enjoys spirited salutations
Alright, everyone. Gather in. Take a seat. We need to talk about Monday night.
Now, as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, Kentucky is really, really good. It’s actually a good thing that we’re playing them, because it will bring in some money for the school and the program. And I’m not going to lie to you – we’re going to get completely demolished out there by them. That’s what we’re there for. But that’s okay. Because our trip to Kentucky has a silver lining.
We are not coming back to Cleveland.
What, you thought I’d just agree to send us off to Rupp Arena, the loudest place in the world, to a bunch of fans who are completely insane about a National Championship-contending team and who want nothing more than to see them make everyone in their path look like chumps? Look, I know we all work hard here, but that would just be silly. There’s been a bigger plan in place this entire time.
Don’t look surprised. You know you guys hate it here too. It’s so cold. It’s awful. It’s only November 21st, and two days ago one of our student managers froze to death in the wind. I was looking at my six year-old’s illustrated map of the United States this morning and the icon next to Cleveland was just a sad face. My wife and I had to celebrate our anniversary last week at a Joe’s Crab Shack. So we’re all going to Kentucky on Monday and we’re staying there.
Administration doesn’t have a clue but I have everything planned out. It’s all going to be perfect. I have a guy working on new drivers’ licenses and birth certificates for all of you, along with cover stories for your new lives in Kentucky. Trey, your new name is Richard Turlington. You’re twenty-seven years old with two kids and a managerial job at Garden Ridge. Marlin, you’re a floral assistant in Corbin. I myself will become Toyoku Utada, the assistant director of Tourism for the city of Carrollton. It’s not going to be easy for any of us – in my case, I don’t even know anything about what Carrollton has to offer – but I’ve arranged for each of you to get a small sum of money to get started along with a short dossier about your new identity. It’s not much, but maybe it’ll help.
Since we scheduled this game this past summer, I’ve spent every single night in my basement stuffing very tall burlap dummies full of straw and dried beans so the bus driver will think we’re all onboard and headed back to campus after the game. There’s a back exit near our locker room at Rupp Arena and afterward we’re each going to put on our new clothes and quietly slip out the door, one at a time, and into the night. Do not act like anything’s up. If any media asks you any questions you just tell them you tried your hardest but Kentucky’s really good and you’re looking forward to the rest of your season. Then meet me in the locker room where I’ll hand you your wig and glasses, shake your hand, and send you on your way to a new life.
This is a secret which will bond us together for the rest of our days. No one can ever know who we are. If anyone ever asks you about Cleveland, even if you know the answer, you’ll have to pretend that you don’t. And that’s not going to be easy, because there will be many occasions where you will be the only person in the room who knows anything about the Cleveland Cavaliers. But you have to stay quiet. Remember, no one knows anything about the Cleveland Cavaliers. Not “regular people” like you, anyway.
I want to take this time to say it’s been an honor being your coach, but we can never see each other again. The same goes for your families; so make sure you enjoy this last weekend with them. But you’re going to love Kentucky. They only get snow there about nine or ten days in an entire winter. They have trucks which come around – sometimes once a week – to pick up garbage off the street. You can drink water straight out of the faucet. Someday you’ll realize this was all for you. All for you. There’s no way of knowing it now, but it will all be for the best.
Vaya con dios, my friends. We will greet each other with our true names next when we meet in heaven. Until then, here’s a copy of The Bluegrass Conspiracy and a True Blue Fan button for each of you. You’re going to fit in just fine. And someday, I know you’ll thank me for this.
Tuesday night was a disheartening loss for the Kentucky Wildcats and their fans. I don’t think any of us can deny that. Though this team has tremendous talent and potential, the reality of their first major league opponent was simply too tough to overcome. Was it unfair to expect too much of a group of young players? Perhaps. Will they learn from these mistakes? Almost certainly.
The good news – and there is good news – is that my own bracketology predictions still show a lot of promise.
Should Kentucky drop to number four on Monday, which some experts are predicting, they’ll still be in theory a number one seed for the NCAA Tournment in 2014 – quite possibly in the South Region, playing in Raleigh, North Carolina. They would likely play sixteen-seeded Belmont University, which the Wildcats would win at an estimated score of 89-68. The next round would see the Wildcats facing a Weber State squad which has defeated bubble team La Salle and has by March exceeded many expectations as a Cinderella fan favorite.
Elsewhere, number three seed Louisville – having suffered losses at the hands of UConn and Central Florida – will face a hobbled North Carolina in Buffalo. The Tarheels will be sputtering after P.J. Hairston suffers two broken legs as the result of a late January snowboarding accident and the Cards will take them down early, but an Elite Eight surprise loss to Oregon will remove Louisville from the picture. With the Wildcats’ freshman clicked into place and firing on all cylinders, Kentucky meets a number two seed Arizona in the finals and takes home its ninth National Championship. A humbled Louisville’s embarrassing Oregon loss, however, changes the mind of sought-after recruit Parnell Gold, who opts instead to take his talents to Texas Southern University.
The ensuing victory will bring another stellar fleet of recruits into the Kentucky pipeline but the new crew won’t get its footing quite so easily. In 2017 Kentucky will make a strong run at another banner but will ultimately lose to eleven-seed Texas Southern — led by junior forward Parnell Gold — to give the Tigers their first ever National Championship. Bill Self will be fired after an embarrassing second round Kansas exit; he’ll quickly be snatched up by Wisconsin after Bo Ryan retires and Wisconsin within four years will be a consistent top-ten team.
A rivalry between UK and Wisconsin by aging coaches John Calipari and Bill Self will brew for several years, and by the time UK defeats Wisconsin in the Netherlands Classic of 2023 the feud will be among basketball’s greatest. The Netherlands Classic win will put UK in prime position to play as a number one seed in the Midwest Region, probably in New Milwaukee. A record fifth straight banner for Texas Southern will cement the Tigers as royalty and their dynasty will continue, garnering three more banners in the next five years.
In 2029, when national folk hero Parnell Gold leads the state of Texas to its independence through a long and bloody battle at the border of Oklahoma, Texas Southern is required by the NCAA — as it is no longer a recognized state of the Union — to vacate its nine National Championships. These vacated championships are then retroactively awarded to the runners-up of the respective NCAA Tournaments, which instantly adds two more championships to Kentucky’s legacy. It also garners the University of Florida two more banners, which boosts the school’s recruiting over the next two years and leads to a stronger team than Florida has seen in some time.
The 2032 National Championship game, almost canceled by a several-feet deep snowstorm at UNLV’s Thomas Mack Center on the eve of the game, is won by Billy Donovan Jr.’s newly-bolstered Florida Gators. As a result of the NCAA’s controversial new-technology “Time-Bye” provision, which allows a national champion the opportunity to travel back in time to replay one game in its history as long as the players of that team agree not to do anything which may affect any the outcome of anything else, the Gators choose their 2000 National Championship loss to Tom Izzo’s Michigan State team and this time defeat the Spartans, undermining what would become Tom Izzo’s legacy and costing Michigan State the recruits it would have otherwise employed to propel them to the NCAA Tournament for the next thirteen years. With UK’s space-time chronology still intact, Tuesday night’s game then becomes a lesser matchup of talent for Kentucky and the Wildcats win 97-78, adding back the game they need to have a perfect record on the season and making the foresightful merchants who copyrighted “40-0” into millionaires who donate a large percentage of the promotional money needed to turn UK’s new home base, “40-0 T-Shirt Arena,” into a glistening reality. Also, dogs are now extinct because a Florida player accidentally stepped on a rare flower while back in the year 2000.
See? It’s not that bad. Keep your chins up. Everything’s going to be just fine.
Sorry about dogs.
Hello, friends. Friends? Hello? Where did you go? Oh well, then, I – Wait! Oh, you! I didn’t see you hiding in that pile of leaves! You scoundrels. Yes, you got me. Good job. I was surprised.
Friends, as the Big Blue Basketball Machine of 2013 gets rolling and gains momentum, all eyes are on our Cats as they begin to take down some of their pre-SEC opponents en route to what we hope will be another championship season. This time in every schedule is fun, as well, because we get to play against some foes we’re not as comfortable with or knowledgeable about — like the UNC-Asheville Bulldogs. Of course we all know Asheville, NC as not only the world’s mountain hippie capital (you may recall Drew’s write-up of the town from our Peach Jam trip earlier this year), but it’s also a lovely Smoky Mountain which houses our next opponents. But how much do we really know about the school and its student base? Today, let’s look through UNC-Asheville’s website to see what we can glean about the mighty Bulldogs in a piece we’ll call DOSSIER: UNC-Asheville. Maybe we’ll all learn something. Enjoy, folks, and I’ll see you all again here next week. Have a great weekend.
Welcome to UNC-Asheville! We hope you brought your hiking boots as you’re about to climb two mighty mountains: one formed by North America’s natural topography and one of knowledge. There’s so much to see and do beyond these hallowed halls, and you’ll find yourself enjoying the beauty of both nature and education as you embark on your journey as a student.
Get to know these faces, young students! These are the friendly faces of your UNC-Asheville Student Government Association. They’re a happy, helpful bunch and ready to help you assimilate to your UNC-Asheville experience seamlessly. They also govern wisely and mostly fairly; please note that Chet, in the front row, always has a vote “for sale” if the price is right.
These students are members of UNC-Asheville’s “Virtual Lincoln Project,” which combines Lincoln’s personal history, national significance and recognized wisdom to create a terrifying, all-seeing CGI Lincoln face to voice his disapproval or approval of your individual life choices. Do not anger the Virtual Lincoln or the electric shocks you may cause physical harm and may result in expulsion from the university.
Dorm life at UNC-Asheville! Residence life at UNC-Asheville provides all the amenities of home. Here we see a happy Mills Hall student not only enjoying his state-of-the-art dormitory life but also conducting a valuable lesson in how not to effectively woo members of the opposite sex. Get with the program, Brad!
I said “Get with the program, Brad!” Seriously, dude. C’mon.
Learning is cool at UNC-Asheville! Your kind-of-pretty but smart girlfriend can help you with your studies until she meets a nerdy but nice guy with a bunch of misfit friends, and then you can challenge her new nerdy suitor to a ski race down Widow’s Mountain where you’re certain to win until his ragtag buddies can find smart and inventive ways to help him beat you and humilate you in front of all your other cool, rich friends. But look on the bright side: you’ll definitely pass History class!
Meet new colleagues, make new connections and lay the groundwork for wonderful friendships for years to come at UNC-Asheville! The relationships you build at UNC-Asheville will be among the most rewarding of your life. Also, these two young women have not been seen since October 14, 2012. If you have any information about them please contact the public safety department of UNC-Asheville or the Asheville Police Department directly.
The UNC-Asheville Department of Music is on the forefront of new genres of music, as indicated by the faces studying at UNCA’s innovative Bob Moog Electronic Music Studio. Can’t grow a beard? That’s okay, a toboggan will suffice. No worries at UNC-Asheville! As these students might say, “It’s all good!” Or, alternately, “Arcade Fire rules.”
The UNC-Asheville Homecoming parade is always a great time full of exciting entertainment! Grab a hot dog, secure a place along the parade route and be on the front row as a weirdo in a leotard urinates all over the hood of an automobile. GO BULLDOGS!
Speaking of bulldogs, don’t forget to stop by the Alumni Booth before every game to french kiss UNCA mascot Rocky the Bulldog for luck. Rocky is no longer being treated for histoplasmosis, and we do regret any medical inconveniences suffered by students during the 2012-13 basketball season. If you or one of your friends suffered symptoms, please be aware that a class action lawsuit may yield monetary reimbursements for medical attention required.
When in the mountains, go mountain biking! The members of the UNC-Asheville Mountain Biking Club are always seeking new members, although please be aware that the members of UNCAMBC are currently under investigation following a string of severe beatings in the rural mountains surrounding Asheville. But hey: if you’re not with the UNCAMBC, you’re against them, right?
Whether you majored in hair color design, condescending looks or holding cameras the correct way, graduation day will be a day you’ll long remember as you leave UNC-Asheville and head out into the world. So get those beards, hula hoops and Teva sandals ready for a lifetime of success to come when you receive a valuable UNCA education. We can’t wait to meet you!
Boo! Did I scare you, friends? It’s okay, I know I did. You don’t have to pretend to be brave. It’s Halloween, after all. It’s alright to be scared.
Friends, It’s the spookiest day of the year. A day of ghosts, goblins and various, horrifying beasties of all sorts. It’s also a great day to share all our favorite scary stories. So let’s have a little creepy fun today with some Super-Scary Halloween Stories, shall we? Be sure to read them with the lights on, friends, have a happy Halloween, be careful out there trick or treating and I’ll see you back here again next week.
The Scary Werewolf
It was a normal day at the UK Men’s Basketball offices when suddenly horrible snarling is heard growing closer outside. Everyone grows more nervous as the horrible sounds approach — nearer and nearer. The door bursts open and a beastly werewolf covered in blood bounds through the threshold. Everyone flees in terror as the werewolf stops and looked around. “Hey everybody, it’s just me, John Robic. Sorry, I didn’t get that haircut yet because I’m having some sinus issues. Also, I spilled some french fries at lunch. No need for alarm.”
The Terrifying Future
A young man, curious as to what team the University of Kentucky football team will play one weekend, walks to his refrigerator to look at the schedule. He is terrified to learn that Alabama is that weekend’s game. But as he looks closer, he sees that the following weekend is a game against Alabama also. And the weekend after that. And the weekend after that. In fact, Alabama is the only team on the schedule for the entire season!!!
The Halloween Party
John Calipari hosts a Halloween party at his house and all of his friends come for a fun evening of bobbing for Orange Leaf and s’mores around the fire. But the innocent partygoers soon realize something has gone horribly, gruesomely wrong: Eli Capilouto, Rob Bromley and Frank Martin have all come dressed in the same costume…that costume is Miley Cyrus from the VMA Awards!!!
A Horrific Evening of Absolute Terror
A family of four is settling in on Halloween night when suddenly a thump comes at their front door. Nervously, the father looks out the window. He sees nothing. Thump, thump, thump – again, the mysterious thumping comes at the door. The father gets a flashlight and heads outside. The family cries out in horror as the father runs back into the house, blood gushing from his nose. “Everybody stay inside!” he shouts. “Marcus Lee is DUNKING ON THE HOUSE!”
The Mysterious Figure
A young couple is making out on a park bench when, in the distance, bushes begin to rustle. As the couple looks on, trembling, a shadowed figure comes out of the darkness, shaking and gyrating as if something is terribly wrong. The couple shakes as they try to flee from the impending figure when it emerges in to the light. “It’s so horrible!” the girl says as she sees the figure revealed. “Oh my God!” says the boy. “It’s Sam Malone! And he’s still dancing!!”
The Haunted Championship
One dark spring night a Louisville fan watches as a decrepit, sullen ghoul leads his team to a National Championship. The next day he is talking to his friend, a Kentucky fan, about the finals, remarking that “what Rick Pitino did for the team this year was amazing.” His friend’s eyes widen in horror. “Rick Pitino? Why, Rick Pitino’s been dead since 1998!!”
Hello, friends. You look great. Isn’t a little cold for a tank top? YOLO, I guess. You’re rocking it. What is that, the Ghostbusters logo? Awesome.
Boy, we sure had a fun time on Friday night, didn’t we? Exciting stuff. We are certainly in for a giant year of basketball and, it would appear, fashionable dancing. Gonna be fun! In this first week of NCAA basketball practices, we’re beginning to get our first glimpses into not only our own 2013-14, but those of some of our competitors. In today’s Notes from Practice, let’s take a look at what the pundits are saying about first official week of practice from around the NCAA and region, shall we? We shall. Happy Thursday, everyone.
“…For the first time since his initial preseason at UK in 2009, John Calipari has a lot of bodies. More than that, he has a lot of players…[Julius] Randle flashes a full package of basketball skills in a powerful, 250-pound frame.”
-Mike DeCourcy, The Sporting News
“[Derek] Willis forced Calipari to stop a recent practice session after he wowed the Kentucky Coach and the rest of his teammates when he threw down a dunk on Julius Randle and Dakari Johnson.”
-Keith Taylor, centralkentuckynews.com
“Practice was cut short on Tuesday to allow players to purchase the new DJ Khaled album, though not before Pitino praised the team for keeping focus on their roles and reminding them sternly that PT’s Showclub is off-limits during the season except during special reserved nights for the team and staff. If Pitino can keep twerking at a minimum, the Cardinals could be looking at another strong year.”
-Greg Farmer, Louisville Sport News
UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI
“…Mick Cronin’s intervention during the severe beating of a bystander who “popped off” helped to curb the volatility of Monday afternoon’s Bearcats practice, and Cronin was able to corral his players back to the court for at least forty-five minutes of solid scrimmage time, after which several players were given back their guns.”
-Jeremy Franks, Cincinnati Bearcat Beat
“Head Coach Cuonzo Martin has a powerful weapon in a slimmed-down Jarnell Stokes…the team looked cohesive together. Only two pigs were killed during an end-of-practice scrimmage and the stray dogs wandering onto the floor at Chattern during Wednesday’s extended practice provided creative hurdles for the players to maneuver. Afterward, Martin told reporters that he’s optimistic for the upcoming season and publicly thanked Bill Grigsby for the sorghum.”
-Hal Tandard, Knoxville News Sentinel
“An intense practice was halted Monday evening when a photographer from Sports Fashion magazine stopped by to snap some pictures for an upcoming photo spread. Marshall Plumlee looked dapper in a reversible fur vest from Michael Kors while forward Amile Jefferson turned heads in a Boglioli herringbone sport jacket…the team smelled nicer than ever and head coach Mike Krzyzewski’s personal Nike stylist Brad Tapper agreed that everyone looked very handsome.”
-Peter Jolson, Blue Devil Daily
“A typical Auburn practice signified a return to form, with a loose, largely unsupervised shootaround followed by head coach Tony Barbee punching a concrete wall and asking what he’s “done to deserve this nightmare hell” before collapsing into a fetal position and having his wife come pick him up.”
-Shawn Raleigh, Tiger Notes
“…it would certainly appear to be business as usual for the Tarheels in Chapel Hill again, kicking off Friday night as it does every year – with Roy Williams’ rousing and extended rendition of ‘Hambone’ for a delighted team. Then, as always, practice.”
-Barry Todd, TarheelTalk
From: Gary Rankin, Office of the President
To: John Calipari, Men’s Basketball Coach
Subject: Considerations for BBM
We recently got around to looking at your itemized request for the 2013 “Big Blue Madness” event to be held on October 18 and we have some questions. These questions are not meant to in any way discourage the pageantry and excitement of each year’s event, but rather to understand the necessity for certain requests. We’re sure you understand. Please respond at your earliest convenience.
1. Please make sure your staff is on hand two hours prior to the event should we have any questions or should anything need to be adjusted. We wish to assist you in any way we can to make sure the event goes well for everyone involved.
2. Is the “All Me” song something you have your heart set on? We are not familiar with Drake or “2 Chainz” (sic), but it would seem that the royalties on this tune are very expensive. Is it a popular song right now? If not, perhaps we could use an older or more obscure song with less pricey musical rights. Carol in our office suggested “Do the Loco-Motion.” It’s a very fun song! Also, we could purchase it for one-time use at a very affordable price.
3. While we like the idea of interactivity at events like these, giving every single person in the building a chance to have Dakari Johnson violently stuff their jump shot would take up a tremendous amount of time and seems like it would really slow things down. There could be liability issues as well.
4. We’re very sorry, but a working volcano is just not in this year’s budget. We checked with the Theatre department but they will not have time to construct one.
5. Though we like the idea, we feel that the spotlight that the part of the event where a bright spotlight shines down from the ceiling and God declares the University of Kentucky his choice to win the National Championship may be alienating to some. Please revise.
6. We’re not entirely sure what your office administrators meant by “pumping the scent of victory through the air vents.” What does that mean? We googled it and could not figure this out. Please let us know. Also, how strong is that smell? We would need it unnoticeable by Sunday afternoon’s touring performance of “Elmo’s Imagination Junction.”
7. Julius Randle riding a Siberian white tiger seems a little excessive, and also possibly a little bit dangerous. Will the necessary precautions be taken?
8. We checked into Maya Angelou writing an original piece for this event and she regretfully declined. Perhaps one of our Introduction to Poetry students can pen something sufficient. We will contact the English department.
9. We’re not sure of the significance of a translucent tank full of manta rays. Please clarify.
10. At this point it is much too late to secure the technology to project a hologram of Adolph Rupp into the spare seat next to every audience member. Also, all seats have been filled so there are no spare seats between audience members for these hologram projections.
11. We checked with WLEX meteorologist Bill Meck and there’s no scientific way to ensure an actual lightning strike just as the PA announcer says “Your Kentucky Wildcats,” as this phenomenon is wildly unpredictable. Can we do this with a lighting and sound effect?
12. Is Andrew Harrison shooting a flaming basketball into a live tableau of the building of the Panama Canal something which is integral to this year’s theme? We would like to know more about this.
If any of these cuts or revisions make planning the event more difficult at this point, please let us know as soon as possible, as we still have the phone number of the cloggers and they said they could come if we give them at least three days notice.
Well. This is unsettling. We were under the impression that Minneapolis –St. Paul liked to party, but clearly we have been misinformed. We came here all the way from Milwaukee because we heard this joint was tight, but it would appear otherwise.
You have given nothing up so far, despite our requests. The fellows in the house aren’t making any noise, and don’t even get me started on the ladies. You’re not putting your hands in the air, nor waving them, and none of you are breaking it down.
Would it kill you to put your hands together for my friend Ken? He has been working on these songs for a very long time. Listen to those lyrics. He’s created a rich pastiche of life experiences and emotion from his long and troubled past which has created him into the confident and assertive person he is today. This vibrant tapestry of words is meant to rouse you to your feet, and you are simply not letting him hear it.
Perhaps we haven’t done a great job telegraphing to you that this is for real, or maybe you’re still waiting for it to go down. But it’s going down now. It might go down a little bit more than this a little later on, but I assure you that it’s going down a lot right now. If this is the case, we can only blame ourselves.
Look, I have a lot of money, and I’m making more every day. No no – I’m not trying to alienate you, I’m just saying that I don’t think you’re getting that I’m very, very popular. As you may have heard me mention a few minutes ago, some people are even lining up just to get to me. Maybe that’s off-putting, and it’s not meant to denote that your lives are in any way unfulfilled. If it’s coming across that way, I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is sound pompous.
We may have gotten off on the wrong foot here. How about if I say something, then you can say something. That might begin to create the atmosphere of camaraderie we’d hoped to build here tonight. Would that help? I don’t want it to seem “all about me.”
I feel incredibly sheepish. It’s just that – and I don’t want to get too in-depth here, because I don’t want to bring you down – I feel like sometimes some of the people I know are trying to play me. I don’t mean to project that onto you, and if it seemed a little aggressive please know that I had no intention of pushing you away. I think I do that a lot, and it bothers me. Ken and I have had a lot of long talks about it, and I’m working on it.
Look, okay, here’s the deal: Dr. Steinhardt says that these paranoid-narcissistic tendencies might stem from inconsistent parental attitudes toward aggression and self-assertion. These delusions of grandiosity and my unchecked combativeness, she says, have created a classic folie à deux situation between Ken and me in that his close quarters with me on the road have fed his codependency and that, in an effort to seek my constant approval, he’s beginning to take on these traits as well. It’s probably very unhealthy, and needless to say it results in a flagrant braggadocio of one-upmanship that’s creating a wall between ourselves and our audience. For that, I’m really sorry. These aren’t your issues, and you shouldn’t be exposed to this sort of display. You didn’t sign on for that.
Now let me hear you say “hey.” Then, let me hear you say “ho.”
No? Alright. I understand.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©1:30 pm
“Unfortunately, the adrenaline and effort required to participate in the sport sometimes seems to deplete the supply of judgment available to participants.”
-Excerpt from “The Commissioner’s Directive on Postgame Activity,” KHSAA, Oct. 8, 2013
Sept. 12, 2013 – Madison, Wisconsin: The postgame handshakes following a heated football game between Madison, Wisconsin rival high schools Madison West and Madison Memorial erupt into a brawl requiring nearly 30 police officers to corral the 200 participants fighting in the parking lot after the players’ scuffle spread to the fans.
April 5, 2013 – Williamson, West Virginia: After tensions rose during a double-header between the Williamson High School Wolfpack and the Burch Bulldogs baseball teams, an verbal and posturing argument over the final out carries into the traditional postgame handshakes and led to the ejection of two players and the suspension of four.
January 4, 2013 – Canton, Ohio: Timkin Senior High School forward DeMarcus Colston, in the excitement of a last second shot leading to a double-overtime win against McKinley High, tells his teammates that “he really likes hanging out with his mom” and that she “has really great taste in music sometimes.”
August 11, 2012 – Plano, Texas: Junior goalkeeper Rebecca Roush of Jasper High School, after saving her team from certain defeat by blocking five consecutive penalty kicks in a tiebreaker against Assumption High School, figures the sushi she finds left on top of a gas pump at the Coit Road Texaco is “probably okay to eat because it has a top on it.”
February 3, 2012 – Franklin, Tennessee: After scoring a career high 27 points to lead the Franklin High Bluebirds basketball team to victory over Garner East High, shooting guard Corey Fain rents Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son from when there are two copies of Rise of the Planet of the Apes and one copy of Bridesmaids available.
August 11, 2009 – Burbank, California: After leading his team to a its fourth straight wrestling championship, Willamette High School senior Ryan Helton bids &21,050 on the Price is Right, even though the boat included costs at least $15,000 and a trip to Japan is $6,000 at least. Not to mention the ATVs and the 46-inch screen Samsung television.
June 23, 1812 – Neman River, Lithuania: After a particularly close win at pétanque against Jean-Baptiste Bernandotte, Brienne-le-Château Military Academy alum Napoleon Bonaparte marches three-quarters of a million men into Russia.
Day 37 – Eden: After a particularly exciting and exhaustive game of chase-the-bird with her partner and teammate, freshman Eve decides that she’s really hungry and that the two of them should just grab a quick snack. You know, for energy.
Hello, friends. Nice to see you. Did you have work done? Your nose looks bigger. That’s an odd procedure to have done, usually people have that procedure the other way around. But it works for you.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend sees the UofL Cardinals marching into Commonwealth Stadium to take on our beloved, Stoops-led Kentucky Wildcats. It’s sure to be exciting for all of us, and another interesting chapter in the ongoing rivalry that is UK vs. UL. It’s helpful to note that whenever Cards fans descend upon our neck of the woods, it’s important to behave accordingly. As we all know, things can often get heated between the two teams and fan bases, and it’s important to remember some useful guidelines to help get through the weekend without incident. That’s why, today, I’ve put together a list of Things to Remember This Weekend, so you don’t find yourselves in any sorts of undesirable situations. So please, friends: read the following, take them to heart and be safe on Saturday. And as always, I’ll see you here again next week.
Be polite. When rivalries like this get heated, excitability is at a high and tempers can occasionally flair. Should you find yourself in close quarters with a Cardinal fan, he or she will likely be rooting for his or her team just as fervently as you. Maintain an air of dignity throughout the game’s proceedings and resist taunting, arguing or general “mouthing off.” Remember: a polite crowd is a happy crowd, no matter what the game’s outcome.
Congratulate your Cards friends on plays well done, and they’ll do the same to you. Opening a line of dialogue in which everyone can enjoy a friendly rivalry takes a lot of tension out of any situation such as this, and allows both teams’ fans to enjoy the game free of judgment or persecution relating to their fandoms. It may be tough to swallow your pride, but at the end of the day a friendly handshake and “See you next year!” will go a long way to healing rifts between the two camps.
Be respectful, but still avoid eye and skin contact. It’s important to respect customs of your fellow fans. For instance, it may not be uncommon for a Cardinal fan to have not washed him-or-herself appropriately prior to game time. This can sometimes be only amplified by a lack of sleeves, and can lead to discomfort. Remember that this is standard for their culture, and these cultural understandings should be considered. The stereotypes that you will get tattoo ink on your own skin via physical contact are largely believed to be unfounded and false, as are the widely-held beliefs that you will receive a contact high or malt liquor stain just by experiencing personal contact. Still, the CDC recommends avoiding contact for your own safety as nothing has been scientifically proven.
Protect yourself. You won’t want to be caught unarmed when the Louisville/UK apocalypse arrives, and fortune favors the prepared. A genetic mutation in Cardinal fans can incite rage or violent booty-dancing and once the ensuing fracas begins this rage booty-swinging can turn ugly very quickly. A simple gesture of “no thank you, please keep your distance” can be performed by simply crossing your hands across your chest. Removing yourself from the point of conflict is the best remedy in these moments. No one wants booty on them.
Find a safe place and abide by all rules. When the State steps in to control the situation via martial law, all exits from Commonwealth Stadium will be sealed to prevent overflow into surrounding neighborhoods. Please follow the instructional directions broadcast over the public address systems when the State helicopters swarm over the stadium, and migrate to the upper decks to breathe cleaner air free of AXE body spray and booty stank.
Cover yourself in mud. This will allow the State’s heat-seeking government helicopters from detecting your body heat and you will be able to move among Commonwealth Stadium unnoticed, as well as contain your human scent from the ultra-sensitive mutant noses of Cardinal fans in your vicinity.
Bring water. Bottled water will be a valuable commodity on day four of what will surely be known as the Commonwealth Quarantine of 2013, providing life-saving sustenance free of pestilence.
Use your resouces. The heating elements of a hot-dog warmer can provide comfort as the nights grow progressively colder toward and a bed of foam number-one fingers may be the only thing between you and the cold, hard concrete as you sleep precariously each night hoping that roving bands of marauders and thugs don’t discover your camp. Keep your wits about you and look around to see what tools you can use to survive.
Should you have such ambitions, assemble a team to take down “The King.” In situations like these it’s not uncommon for separate Cardinal and Wildcat camps to band together within themselves, creating factions hoarding hot dogs, popcorn, nachos and soda. Corruption will run rampant and your only recourse may be to make a play for leadership. Think your course of action through carefully, so the State’s laser-equipped helicopters will not be tipped off to your plans.
Usurp The King and use your new power to usher in a new dawn of peace. It will be tempting, with your newfound totalitarian power, to keep the spoils of your victory for yourself and your counsel, but banding together with the ruling parties of the Cardinal regimes may be your only hope of getting out of there once and for all.
Form an unlikely truce and combine your resources to escape. By using decoys, stealth and underground tunnels, you and your newfound Cardinal brethren can slip out undetected by the helicopter drones on the ninety-third day to emerge waving a gigantic tattered “K” flag and reveling in a bright new dawn of a Kentucky united. As you embrace your former foes, muddy and smelling of astroturf, processed cheese and booty stank, you will know on that day that the sins of the few cannot compete with the preservation of the many. Your efforts will long be rememebered for that day as a victory for football fans across the state and your names will be recalled by folk songs for long to come.
At least until next September.
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. If you would today, please take a card out of the deck. Now I’m not going to look, and I want you to put the card back into the deck anywhere you want. Now shuffle it. Now I’ll take the deck. Is this your card? I thought it was.
Friends, though this past weekend in Nashville failed to deliver the desired results for our beloved Cats in the new Stoops era, it nonetheless kicked off another Kentucky football season, which means soon will come the falling leaves, the cooler climes, and the warm aroma of tailgating around Commonwealth. This weekend, as you no doubt well know, is the Wildcats’ home opener against the Miami RedskinsHawks, and I’m sure you’re more than prepared to head down to campus and get your tailgate on. As always, I’d rather light a candle than curse your darkness, so I thought I’d weigh in today with some of my favorite tailgate recipes guaranteed to keep everyone happy on Saturday morning. Good luck, get cooking and I’ll see you here next week, gang.
Bleu Cheese Ranch Dip
Ingredients: Sour cream, ranch dip mix, bleu cheese crumbles, chives, carrots, celery, potato chips.
1. Stir together sour cream, ranch dip mix and bleu cheese crumbles.
2. Add in fresh, chopped chives.
3. Serve atop celery sticks, carrots, chips or wings.
Ingredients: Carrots, celery, cauliflower, radishes, olives, cherry tomatoes
1. Slice carrots, cauliflower, radishes, olives, tomatoes.
2. Serve decoratively on platter.
Bourbon Fried Chicken
Ingredients: Bourbon (eight shots), flour, chicken breast, vegetable oil
1. Heat oil over medium heat.
2. Roll chicken in flour to coat.
3. Fry to brown in skillet, flip chicken.
4. Fry opposite side until cooked.
5. Drink eight shots of bourbon.
Gameday Deviled Eggs
Ingredients: Hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise, brown mustard, salt, parsley
1. Slice eggs in half, removing yolk but keeping egg whites intact.
2. Text Tracy to find out where she is. She should be here by now.
3. Mash together yolks, mayonnaise and other ingredients together with fork.
4. Drink two beers.
5. Spoon yolk mixture back into egg white halves.
6. Text Tracy again.
Ingredients: Avocado, red onion, lime juice, jalapeno peppers, garlic clove
1, Call Tracy.
2. Drink shot of Fireball.
3. Tell Wade he doesn’t know how it is with you and Tracy. He can shut up.
4. Mix ingredients, letting stand at room temperature for thirty minutes.
5. Trip, unobserved, over a cornhole board.
Prize-Winning Pasta Salad
Ingredients: Rotini pasta, Italian dressing, cucumbers, olives, green onions, diced tomatoes
1.Tell Wade to get his hands off you, you’re fine. You don’t need him, you don’t need anybody.
2. Boil rotini pasta until soft.
3 Drink two beers.
4. Vomit onto sleeve. Call Tracy.
5. Ask Julie where Tracy is, does she love you anymore.
6. In a large bowl, mix vegetables with cooked pasta. Chill and serve.
Super-Spicy Layered Bean Dip
Ingredients: Cream cheese, spicy black bean dip, shredded Mexican cheese, olives, onions
1. Layer cream cheese, dip and cheese into one-quart serving dish.
2. Tell Wade you will NOT calm down and to leave you alone.
3. Fall into, knock over grill.
4. Punch styrofoam cooler apart.
5. Serve with tortilla or corn chips.
Tracy Is a Slut Chili
Ingredients: Ground beef, onion, green bell pepper, cumin, tomato sauce, red pepper flakes, chili powder, chili beans
1. Climb up on table, announce that you hate Tracy.
2. Slip and fall on guacamole dish, shattering it.
3. Press paper towels against pressure points to stop your forearm from bleeding until paramedics arrive.
4. Text Tracy that you hope she’s happy now and that you really want her to have a good and happy life and you mean it even if it’s not with you because she’s a good person and you mean that seriously and you just love her so much and you’re sorry and you love her forever but you just want her to be happy.
5.Tell paramedics you will never be in love with anybody ever again and that you want to just be alone forever and you don’t even care because it’s what you really want. You don’t need Tracy or anybody.
6. Swing at paramedics and tell them to get off you because you’re an ultimate fighter and you know jitsu-moves.
7. Cover and simmer for 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
8. Cry, black out.
What is Western Kentucky University?
Western Kentucky State University began roughly in 1875 as Glasgow Normal School, then changed to The Southern Normal School and Business College, then changed into The Western Kentucky State Business School, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Normal School and Teachers College, then changed to The Western Kentucky State Teachers College, then changed to Western State College and then changed into Western State University. Now we just call it “Western.”
That seems like a lot of name changes.
It is. As a result of these many name changes, the institution was funded entirely on t-shirt sales for nearly a hundred years.
What can you tell me about Western Kentucky University?
Located in picturesque Bowling Green, Kentucky, Western Kentucky is the only university in the nation where every direction is uphill. For instance, to walk from Bates Runner Hall the Ivan Wilson Fine Arts Center is uphill. To walk from the Craig Alumni Center to Cherry Hall is uphill. To walk from Downing University Center to Grise Hall is uphill, and yet strangely the walk back from Grise Hall to Downing University is also uphill. Scientists have been studying this phenomenon for years and can only surmise that there is some sort of higher-dimensional, unvisualized wormhole somewhere in or above the campus. Consequently, Western Kentucky’s fight song is “Stand Up and Cheer,” which was recently changed in 2003 from the more apt “Sit Down Because Our Feet Hurt From All This Damn Uphill Walking” both because the latter was hurting admission numbers and because it was a very clunky line to be the chorus of a song.
Who are Western Kentucky’s most famous alumni?
Western boasts a long line of illustrious alumni, among them American masters like the guy who played Roy on Wings, Howard Stern’s former assitant producer K.C. Armstrong and Rod Smart, better known as the XFL’s “He Hate Me.” Smart’s generous donations back to Western over the years have prompted the building of the He Hate Me Center for Environmental Research and Development, which broke ground in late 2012.
When I visited Western Kentucky University, I was pursued by a hideous man-beast who was trying to murder me.
That was only “Big Red,” the mascot for the Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers. Big Red is so malformed as to signify the hill on which WKU sits upon, thus providing significance for the team name. Big Red is also a deformed monster from Slavic mythology known as a “yarma,” who will steal children who get holes in their shoes. You probably had nothing to worry about! Probably.
Why is the campus littered with skeletons?
Those are the bodies of the deceased brave who gave their lives trying to summit the mountain and reach the Department of Physics and Astronomy. They will not be forgotten.
I drove to Western Kentucky University once and hit so many potholes that my car caught on fire and exploded. Why is this?
It is a very well-guarded secret among those in-the-know at Kentucky’s State College system that a grant was awarded to Western Kentucky in 1972 which dictated that all roads leading in or out of Bowling Green would be sufficiently terrible enough to discourage all comers from distracting the students at their studies. It has since proven very effective, as you’d no doubt agree.
I can’t wait to visit Bowling Green for the WKU/UK game this weekend.
You will be disappointed to learn that the game will be played in Nashville instead.
This is because it is physically impossible to play football or basketball on Western Kentucky’s campus because everything rolls downhill, all passes and throws fly off out of the stadium and plummet to the town below and all athletes must be tethered constantly by caribiner to a secure safety rope as to not fall into the stands at one end of the court or field and injure themselves or the fans.
What time does the game start?
The game will begin at 6:00 pm central time, but you may want to hang back a bit because as the WKU team and fans approach the city of Nashville from the hill they live upon, they will likely be gaining an astounding amount of momentum and may be traveling at a dangerous rate of velocity when they reach LP Field, potentially destroying all in their path.
If this happens, will Big Red be hurt?
No. Big Red will live on, manifesting horrifically wherever there are children who don’t take care of their shoes. See you at the game!
If you’re paying attention to Matt Jones’ WKYT KSR Minute or Nick Roush’s inside looks into UK’s practice scrimmages, it’s very clear that there’s no decision yet by Mark Stoops to choose a starting quarterback for the ready-to-start 2013 season. Also clear is that scrambler Jalen Whitlow and passer Max Smith are currently the contenders for the esteemed position, with Stoops undoubtedly watching the duo closely as he makes his decision. Of course, scrimmages and practice play factor heavily into Stoops’ choice – but behind the scenes, an additional series of scrutinizing tests is being conducted to determine the candidate most likely to lead the Football Cats to a winning season. Sources have tipped KSR off to some of these goings-on as UK searches for its next field general.
A written test, not unlike the NFL Combine’s Wonderlic Test, gauges Whitlow and Smith on decision making and practical, applied intelligence. The test is designed to predict success both on the field and in the huddle.
Advantage: Smith, whose quick-thinking in on-the-clock situations projects him as a valid option for tight games and last-minute initiative.
A knowledge of the many plays and routes are key – if you can’t learn the plans, you can’t succeed in a gametime situation, after all. Constant quizzing on the playbook are key to groom a quarterback who knows his team and its capabilities at all times, in any instance.
Advantage: Whitlow, whose dedication to learning the plays inside and out have proven effective in practice, impressing the coaches and staff.
Locked inside a steel cage, the two quarterback candidates fight to submission as onlookers wager and cheer on the combatants. Round two introduces foreign objects, and round three of the competition lights a ring of fire around the pair as they battle for supremacy.
Advantage: Whitlow’s quick feet and gustiness make him a formidable opponent, but Smith’s fourteen years of Brazilian jiu jitsu training are inevitably too difficult to overcome in a ground game.
What if the success of your team depended solely on your ability to convey, wordlessly, the title of Jules Verne’s 1873 novel Around the World in 80 Days in less than sixty seconds? A preparation for any situation is key to the acumen of any quarterback as Stoops and his staff write down song and movie titles and put them into a hat.
Advantage: Smith’s demonstrative and expressive face and arms makes him unbeatable through three rounds, his crowning achievement being the ability to effectively mime the very difficult draw of TNT’s Drama Damages to offensive line coach John Schlarman.
Stoops chooses the music, Whitlow and Smith put their moves to the test. Winner owns the streets.
Advantage: Whitlow’s fleet feet are too much for Smith and his crew to handle, leaving them served and seeking new turf to hustle.
While on vacation at the lake, Whitlow and Smith decide on a lark to see who can grow a better beard.
Advantage: Smith’s beard comes in fuller, while Whitlow’s grew faster but is more patchy. Their girlfriends hilariously roll their eyes at yet another silly competition between these two. They’re so crazy!
In medieval England, whoever pulls the sword from the stone — perceived to be impossible — will be the next University of Kentucky quarterback.
Advantage: After valiant efforts from Smith and Whitlow, the onlooking crowd is stunned to find the sword chooses Patrick Towles.
For years, the Yankee Candle Company – America’s best loved candle™ — has provided you with the scents you love for the life you lead. From Banana Nut Bread to November Rain, Yankee Candle has the scents to accompany your lives. As your life may or may not be relegated to cooking delicious-smelling foods or passions for specific seasons of the year, we are always striving to bring you new fragrances to enhance the things you love. As we announced earlier this week, Yankee Candle’s new line of NCAA-themed “Fan Candles” will bring you the opportunity to enjoy the scents inspired by your favorite teams year round – even in the offseason. As you may be aware, this new line pairing with NCAA collegiate sports programs includes such scents as Wisconsin (Macintosh Apples), North Carolina (Beach Walk) and Texas (Spiced Pumpkin). But these 23 new Yankee experiences are only the tip of the iceberg in our “Fan Candle” Collection. In the upcoming months, watch for additional sports-themed fragrances including:
Syracuse: Citrus Medley
Boston College: Chowder
Boise State: Potato Wreath
South Alabama: Meth Lab
Miami: Plantains and Tasered Hair
Long Island University: Garbage Strike
Indiana: Peaches & Crean
Cincinnati: Chili Farts
Cal Tech: Robots
Louisville: Drakkar and Weed
Brigham Young University: Vanilla
Duke: Coach K’s Butt
UC-Santa Cruz: Bananas, Slugs
University of Phoenix: Regret
Also, Yankee Candle is pleased to announce its upcoming line of “Fan Candles” featuring the scents of some of America’s most beloved athletes:
Tom Brady: Unicorns and Jasmine
Tiger Woods: Denny’s Kitchen
Robert Griffin III: Pop Rocks and Tootsie Pops
Johnny Manziel: Sharpie
Shaquille O’Neal: Gold Bond Medicated Powder
Alex Rodriguez: Water & Vinegar
And America’s favorite coaches:
Kevin Stallings: Tater Tots & Mayonnaise
Bobby Petrino: Dirty Hotel Sheets
Steve Spurrier: English Leather Cologne
Bill Belichick: Body Odor & Indignation
Rex Ryan: Feet
Bill Self: Toupee Adhesive
Rick Pitino: Pesto & Floor Tile
Jim Boeheim: Dinosaurs
We here at Yankee Candle can’t wait to bring your enjoyment of our many products to the next level, happy to introduce further sports-themed candles to you in the near future, and we welcome your own input into fragrances we should consider in the future. We hope you’ll look for them wherever Yankee Candle products are sold.
Public Relations, Yankee Candle Company
The NCAA is investigating whether Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was paid for signing hundreds of autographs on photos and sports memorabilia in January, “Outside the Lines” has learned.
–espn.com, Aug. 6
The following quotes were garnered and compiled from leaked transcripts of the NCAA’s investigation into the events surrounding alleged improprieties and violations of Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel.
Johnny Manziel, athlete: I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong, to be honest. I was just writing my name on things.
Gary Holdman, NCAA Ethics Committee: We believe Manziel to have signed autographs for money in conjunction with three known autograph brokers, and believe him to have been paid a fee for doing so.
Manziel: I went into this hotel room in Miami and saw a bunch of football helmets and jerseys and stuff laid out on the bed. I thought that was cool.
Doug Peppers, owner, “Doug’s Autographs”: I had casually laid some of my favorite A&M football helmets on the bed. You know, just to look at them. Then there’s a knock at the door and I couldn’t believe Johnny was standing there.
Manziel: Doug seemed nice. He had a lot of stuff. I figured he must like A&M. I was like “I’ll bet this guy would be so happy if he had the quarterback from his favorite team’s name written on these.”
Peppers: I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I was in there for about six or seven minutes. When I came out, Johnny had written his name all over all of the helmets.
Manziel: I thought it would be funny. You know, just as a joke. And to be nice.
Peppers: I tried to tell him he’d ruined all my helmets but he was watching television. So I put all my helmets in a box and asked Johnny to help me carry them down to the car. It was a tough job, and it was hot outside, so I gave him about $3,500.
Manziel: I never knew carrying things paid so well.
Kevin Sumlin, A&M Head Football Coach: Johnny likes writing his name on things. He always has. I can’t tell you how many things in our practice facility have his name on them. We’re constantly washing ink off of stuff. It’s kind of annoying.
Jason Gardner, college roommate: Once he wrote his name on my face with a sharpie while I was sleeping. I was so mad.
Holdman: Profiting from any use of a student’s likeness is a violation of NCAA rules, so we had to look into it.
Soon reports surfaced that Manziel had also signed helmets and mini-helmets in a hotel room at the Omni Hotel in New Haven, Connecticut while there for a Walter Camp Football Foundation Event.
Steven Bridges, owner, “Autograph City”: I was just hanging out and counting my helmets and mini-helmets when my friend came to the door. He was like, “Hey, this is my friend Johnny.” I asked Johnny not to touch anything but he grabbed a pen and just started writing all over everything. What a jerk.
Manziel: Some of the helmets were tiny. I guess they were helmets for babies. That’s hilarious.
Bridges: He couldn’t stop talking about babies playing football, and how weird that would be. Then he asked me if I wanted him to carry everything to my car, he’d do it for $7,500. I thought that was steep, but it was about fourteen floors down. You know, a lot of carrying.
Manziel: (laughing) If this football thing doesn’t work out, I am going to open a business carrying things. You wouldn’t believe how much you can make.
Holdman: There was some cell phone footage of this event received by ESPN and shared with us. It’s grainy but we are looking into it.
Multiple sources began to step forward alleging knowledge of payment for Manziel’s autograph.
John Goldstein, A&M fan: My daughter Madison drew a picture of him that everyone in the family thought was really cute. I saw Johnny at Costco, ran out to the car and got it and asked him to sign it. Then my daughter shared some of her popcorn with him and he ate it.
Holdman: We are not looking into the signing of Mr. Goldstein’s daughter’s photo. The image does not bear a resemblance to Manziel and the “football” is green. Also, the signature looks like it says “Jommy Mangeel.” It is not under investigation.
Manziel: That guy I met at Costco, I helped him lift one of those big tubs of detergent into his cart and he didn’t even pay me. His kid just gave me some popcorn. What a cheapskate. Cute kid, though.
Drew Tieman, autograph broker: He was writing his name on some jerseys for me and I asked him to add a special inscription. That inscription was: “This is really my, Johnny Manziel’s, signature,” but he wouldn’t do it.
Manziel: Something seemed strange about that, you know? He invited me over to his house and didn’t even have anything he needed moved. What a weirdo.
Holdman: If Manziel is found to have received money from signing his autograph, both he and Texas A&M University may face penalties.
Manziel: Man, I never knew how heavy sports memorabilia is. It’s really heavy. I can see why people need help with it. I mean, I’ve carried one jersey and one helmet before, but a whole box of them weighs more than you’d think.
Sumlin: I don’t know if these allegations are true, but I can tell you two things about that kid. One, Johnny Manziel likes writing his name on things; and two, he’s one of the most helpful human beings I’ve ever coached.
Manziel: (to investigator) Sorry bro, while we were talking I wrote my name on this table. I wasn’t thinking. You need some help moving it? I’m just kidding. But seriously. Do you? I’m really strong, and really good at it.
Hello, friends. Nice to see you. I’m glad to see you committed to the Kentucky football team. Oh, you didn’t? My bad, I thought everyone was doing that these days. I’ve seen, you know, a bunch of names. I thought yours was one of them. Sorry. Yahtzee, am I right? Friends, as our very own Mrs. Tyler Thompson shared with us earlier this week from the UK Women’s Clinic, Kentucky safeties and special teams’ coach Bradley Dale Peveto has dubbed this 2013 special teams crew the “Krazy Cats.” That’s right, with a “K.” And friends, I don’t have to tell you that a “k” in “krazy” means one of two things: either a.) you are not going to believe the prices in this Memorial Day carpet sale or b.) some krazy stuff’s about to go down with something.
But let’s face facts for a moment. Can Peveto just call these guys “krazy” before they’ve seen any action? What’s so “krazy” about them? To give one’s selves a name like the “Krazy Cats” poses a conundrum in that when you call yourself “krazy” you have to then live up to that. People called Pete Maravich “The Pistol” because of his marksmanship and off-the-hip shooting style. They called Joe Jackson “Shoeless Joe” because he once removed his cleats before an at-bat. They called the early eighties Houston Cougars “Phi Slama Jama” not only because they were great basketball players but because they had the gumption to apply for a fraternity charter even though two of the three parts of their name were not even real Greek alphabet letters! Yes, it’s important to live up to one’s nickname. Can the Krazy Cats do it? Let’s look forward to what this season holds, shall we?
Date: September 7
The Play: In the second half, Punter Landon Foster receives the snap and – with the Redhawks looking downfield for the kick – runs the ball to gain fourteen yards and secure the first down, saving the possession and bringing the Cats closer to a game winning touchdown in the final minutes.
Krazy Factor: 2.7
Date: September 28
The Play: An opening kickoff return sees an 83-yard rush back for a touchdown against the Gators. After the game everyone on special teams is wearing Hawaiian shirts — even though Hawaii is thousands of miles away!
Krazy Factor: 3.1
Date: October 5
Vs.: South Carolina
The Play: As the final seconds of the first half tick off the clock, the Krazy Cats receive a punt from the Gamecocks and use two specially-designed backward passes to elude Spurrier’s players and score with no time left, bringing the Cats up seven at the half. Then they call their ex-girlfriends, who aren’t home, so they go to their ex-girlfriends’ apartments and wait outside across the street in their cars to see if there’s a new man. They stay there all night, constantly calling and texting their ex-girlfriends, begging them to respond and telling them they love them.
Krazy Factor: 4.6
Date: October 24
Vs.: Mississippi State
The Play: Kicker Joe Mansour directly receives the snap and rockets a pass into the endzone for a touchdown. Post-game, the special teams squad is subject to a multidisciplinary psychiatric assessment which evaluates risk and behavior based upon the Million Clinical Multiaxial Inventory. It is recommended by an appointed board that the Krazy Cats spend several months of rigorous testing and therapy at a rehabilitation facility until which point they are deemed fit to be released into society again.
Krazy Factor: 7
Date: November 2
Vs.: Alabama State
The Play: The Krazy Cats are paired with soon-to-be-retired cop Roger Murtaugh for what seems like a standard suicide case – but soon discover it to be the work of the underground Shadow Company, who kidnap Murtaugh’s daughter. After a standoff at El Mirage Lake, Murtaugh and the Krazy Cats are tortured for information before escaping and losing the heroine shipment in a box of detonated hand grenades. Back at Murtaugh’s house the Krazy Cats protect Murtaugh’s family and take on Gary Busey in hand-to-hand combat. When Busey overpowers two LAPD officers and draws a gun on the Krazy Cats, Murtaugh and the Krazy Cats fire on him and kill him.
Krazy Factor: 8.6
Date: November 23
The Play: The Krazy Cats agree to watch over the Overlook Hotel during its closed winter season, thinking it might be a great time to get that novel finished. The isolation and quiet of the abandoned hotel soon begins to get to the safeties team and they begin chasing their teammates through a hedge maze with an axe. We’ll never know what made them so Krazy; maybe the hotel was haunted. Also, four flea-flicker passes and a triple reverse!
Krazy Factor: 10