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Bachelor Running Diary

KSR Bachelor Running Diary: Andi’s Overnightmare

KSR Bachelor Running Diary: Andi’s Overnightmare

andiclarenikki

 

If you missed any of the previous KSR Bachelor Running Diaries, chances are it was on purpose. However, if you are interested in catching up on the earlier part of the season you can do so here.

Tonight the remaining three women who agreed to attempt to find love on national television have traveled to St. Lucia with Juan Pablo for the overnight dates in the fantasy suite. Let’s get right to it. Expect some tears, because I expect some tears.

 

CLARE’S OVERNIGHT

7:04- Clare: “If Juan Pablo asks me to stay overnight with him, honestly it’s something I’ve been going back and forth with.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah right Clare. You already did sex with him in the ocean.

7:06- Clare, Juan Pablo didn’t like your family. Your sister Laura is crazier than a football bat.

7:07- Juan Pablo gets her in the water as quick as possible. Smart move by him though because it’s his only move.

7:12- Clare isn’t wearing those earrings for fashion. Those double as brass knuckles. They are completely holding her ear lobes hostage. Wherever the earrings want her earlobes to go they are going.

7:15- They pull out the key to the fantasy suite, which is not a hotel key I’m familiar with. As Michael Kinney tweets, “Most of the keys I get have pizza delivery ads on them.” Well said.

Juan Pablo: “This is it.”

Clare: “That’s it.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: They are, in fact, still talking about the key.

Juan Pablo: “What do you want to do? How do you feel about it?”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Still about the key.

Clare: “Umm………… Blah blah blah your daughter blah blah blah respect blah blah blah you take her into consideration and I do too blah blah blah. When you brought it up to me, I realized that it matters to me that it matters to you.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Uhhhh, wut?

7:16- After spending 5 minutes trying to talk herself out of it, Clare finally talks herself into it.  She’s staying the night.

7:17- Juan Pablo: “Tomorrow, we will wake jup anj know a whole lot more about each other.” Nah, pretty sure you already know it all.

7:18- If a girl is talking, Juan Pablo is doing his damnedest to get his thumb and forefinger on opposites sides of her closest earlobe.

7:20- Clare: “I’m just loving falling in love with you.” *Juan Pablo rubs her entire face* “I know you can’t say anything back right now.” *Juan Pablo rubs her entire face*

7:22- WE’RE BACK IN WATER Y’ALL!!! Jacuzzi style. No underwater straddle though. Not sure what that means.

7:23- Cameras leave. Goodnight y’all, leave room for Clare’s sister.

 

ANDI’S OVERNIGHT

7:27- After her horrendous dancing and questionable drum playing, I’ll say that rhythm isn’t her thing. You know what is? Gang law. Gang law is hot.

7:29- I’m in no way saying they shouldn’t have played soccer with those village kids, but I am saying they shouldn’t have done it barefoot.

7:31- After driving through some trails and trees, they exit their dune buggy and Andi says “I hear water.” That’s exactly what she said and there is no joke. That’s the joke. Because OF COURSE he’s taking you in water.

7:33- I can’t believe he wasted time talking before he got her under that waterfall.

7:40- Juan Pablo, after Andi tells him she is glad he listens: “Of course I listen. I have to because I don’t speak the language and it’s really hard for to ever know what you are saying.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: I made one of those sentences up.

7:42- Juan Pablo, when Andi asks him what he thinks about some things: “That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight, so we can talk about a lot of things.” Yeah. Uh huh.

7:43- This just hit me. Andi is from Atlanta. She is a southern girl. How could she fall in love with a guy who wears cargo shorts?

7:50- Juan Pablo, the next morning: “Last night with Andi was great. We talked for hours and hours and hours. I definitely think Andi could be my wife.

7:51- Andi, the next morning: “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite. I thought that I was falling in love with Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I really didn’t like. The whole night was just a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope he did not think that was a good date.”

So, at least they’re on the same page.

7:54- I can’t type everything Andi has said in the past three minutes, but here is the gist: She is not a fan of his.

7:55- Andi: “It’s not that I’m unsure. I know that he’s not the one.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Andi, the KSR crew will be in Atlanta for the SEC Tournament. I firmly believe you could be unsure about me. We’ll be at Johnny’s Hideaway.

7:56- Overall, I’d say Andi’s date did not go well.

 

NIKKI’S OVERNIGHT

8:03- The conversation got too serious, so they started making out and headed into some YEP, you guessed it! WATER. The ocean, to be specific. Nikki: “Every time I swim with him my feelings grow.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Stop for a minute and think about how dumb that statement is, you guys. She has a point though, I guess. Water does make  things grow.

8:05- Juan Pablo didn’t know that “the wheels turning” meant “thinking.” Someone really needs to work on his slang with him.

8:06- Boy, Chris Harrison had a tough week in St. Lucia. Dude had to write THREE invitation cards to the fantasy suite!

8:08- Nikki’s overnight is easily summed up. They talked a little and made out a lot.

 

CHRIS HARRISON & JUAN PABLO TALK

8:16- I’m not making this up. Juan Pablo just said these words out loud: “My english is not very good.” Dude, we know.

8:18- To sum up this conversation, Juan Pablo said he feels good about all the women about 4 different times. That’s how he answers all the questions.

 

THE REST OF THE SHOW

8:20- The girls all record a video. Nikki and Clare say that they love him. Andi, as predicted, basically said “YO JUANNY PABS YA GIRL NEEDA HOLLA AT YA.”

8:25- Andi just had to walk up the longest hill ever to go talk to Juan Pablo. The fact that she could breath to get words out was quite impressive.

8:26- Andi starts talking and Juan Pablo goes straight for the ear. The hair on her ear didn’t stand a chance. He shoved that mess behind her ear immediately.

8:31- Andi: “I want to die if I have to hear ‘it’s okay’ again.” SAME.

8:33- I’m with Juan Pablo on the “I didn’t use the words ‘you are here by default.” There’s no way he’s ever used the word “default” before.

8:34- Think about how big the language barrier is between Juan Pablo and Andi. Juan Pablo speaks english as a second language. Andi is a lawyer.  I used to live with a lawyer. He once told me “Aaron, as a lawyer, words are all that matter. Every single word we use matters.” Andi knows the meaning to infinitely more words than Juan Pablo does, and that’s not his default. It’s just not meant to be.

8:39- While Andi is telling Juan Pablo that he doesn’t know anything about her, such as what religion she practices, what her social views are, and how she wants to raise her family, Juan Pablo cuts in and says: “What religion am I?” Without missing a beat Andi says: “Catholic (which he is).” It left Juan Pablo speechless. It was truly a drop the mic moment for Andi. She should have walked back down that egregiously long hill and jumped on her plane and gone back to Atlanta. But she kept talking because she’s a lawyer and that’s what she does. She’s putting him on blast.

8:41- After what amounted to probably ten minutes of her telling him off, he went back in for one more face touch. Andi’s response: “Don’t mess up my make up.”

8:43- Andi leaves in a van. Like, leaves the entire show. Kind of takes the suspense out of the rose ceremony.

8:44- Andi, still in the van, is afraid her standards are too high and she’ll never find love. Andi, I think there are a lot of guys that would completely remove the word “okay” from their vocabulary to be with you. Your standards aren’t too high.

8:45- They are still showing Andi in the van.

8:51- ABC, how long are we going to watch Andi’s van?

8:55- While Andi is still in the van, Nikki and Clare get roses. Pretty anticlimactic.

 

The Running Diary will be taking next week off for the reunion and will be back for the finale in two weeks. Who knows? Maybe we’ll do a live blog. If you are interested in a live blog, tweet “We want a live blog for the Bachelor finale” to @AFlenerKSR and @KySportsRadio.


KSR Bachelor Running Diary: The Final 4

KSR Bachelor Running Diary: The Final 4

final 4

After a couple of weeks posting funny tweets, WE’RE BRINGING BACK THE RUNNING DIARY. This week is the hometown visits and we get 4 HOURS of Bachelor coverage. Monday Juan Pablo will be visiting the hometowns of Nikki, Andi, Clare, and Renee. I, for one, can’t wait for the families of these girls to meet Juan Pablo and try to understand what he is saying. Tuesday, we find out what happened on the overnight dates. Let’s get to the Monday night action!

 

NIKKI’S HOMETOWN- Kansas City, MO

nikki

7:04- Juan Pablo didn’t know what BBQ was. BBQ, get in line over there with the words “bolt” and “frazzled.”

7:06- Nikki said she is totally in love with Juan Pablo. WHY WOULDN’T SHE BE?!?! After all, she’s known him for over a month.

7:11- Nikki’s brothers totally don’t want to be here. 

7:15- Nikki’s Dad: “What have you seen in him that makes you think he could be a possible husband for you?”

7:16- Nikki: “He makes me feel really comfortable around him and there’s just something about him. Like I can’t really put my finger on it and i can’t explain it. It’s just awesome. Like, it’s magical. I don’t know, I just feel really really good about it.” You can put your finger on it Nikki. It’s called his body.

7:18- Nikki didn’t tell him she loved him. Probably because she really doesn’t.

 

ANDI’S HOMETOWN- Atlanta, GA

andi

7:24- Andi takes Juan Pablo to the gun range. Let’s just say he won’t be getting any calls to be a sniper anytime soon. Or to translate any language to english.

7:33- If Andi doesn’t take Juan Pablo to Johnny’s Hideaway while they are in Atlanta, she’s not the one. Plain and simple.

7:35- Andi’s Dad is handling this exactly like every Dad ever should handle this. Super skeptically.

7:36- Andi and Juan Pablo just danced standing dry humped in front of Andi’s Mom on the back porch to the sound of absolutely no music.

7:45- This is so boring, and that got me thinking that I bet Andi’s Dad has gone to Johnny’s Hideaway.

7:50- Andi- “I’m very very close to being in love with him.” READ: I’m not in love with him at all.

 

RENEE’S HOMETOWN- Sarasota, FL

renee

7:56- Renee: “I’m going to eat my son when I see him.”

7:57- Juan Pablo is wearing a green shirt, black shorts, and red flip flops. He looks ridiculous.

7:58-  Renee has a son. But you knew that. His name is Ben. But you knew that too. So did Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo has had weeks to think about what he would say to him the first time he met him. Want to know what he decided to go with? Sure you do. He said “How’ve you been?” GET IT?!?! Juan Pablo is so punny.

8:09- Nothing interesting happened AT ALL during the entire family visit. Her family loved him, BLAH BLAH BLAH who cares. Then they made out when he was leaving. Not the whole family. Just Renee and Juan Pablo. Get your minds out of the gutter.

8:10- NEXT, please. This episode is so boring even Sean turned it off.

 

CLARE’S HOMETOWN- Sacramento, CA

clare

8:18- First off, not sure why you would take anyone to Sacramento. Unless, of course, you were going to watch Boogie play basketball.

8:19- Clare’s eyes scream crazy. So do her words.

8:28- Clare’s parents got engaged after 3 weeks. The Bachelor used to be shorter back in their day.

8:30- HOW ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE RELATED!?! Clare’s family look nothing alike.

Text from Turkey Hunter: “Whooaaa, Lara. What happened to you? Is your middle name Gene? As in “Recessive Gene?”

(Editor’s note: We have no idea if her name is Lara. Clare has 13 people at this gathering and none of them look alike.)

Another Text from Turkey Hunter: “If Clare’s looks were a basketball conference, she’d be between the SEC and the Big East. Her sisters: MEAC, Southland, and SWAC. And they’d be on probation.”

8:43- Juan Pablo communicates really well with Clare’s Mom. Not because they have anything in common. Because she speaks spanish.

8:45- Juan Pablo really shines at the end of the hometown dates when they close the front door to the houses and head to the SUV. That’s when he can stop talking and stick his tongue in their mouths. Too bad there isn’t any water around.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

8:53- First two roses quickly go to Nikki and Clare. They still have spoke since their ridiculously ridiculous fight. That did not change tonight. Also, not much suspense left for the final rose. We’ve seen Andi in the previews for the overnight dates. Renee is going home.

8:54- Renee goes home. She is left standing rose less while Juan Pablo is left crying and not knowing the predominant language of the country in which he resides.

That’s all for the first two hours. All in all a pretty boring night. But tomorrow night there will be tears. Lots of tears. Should be great.

 

@AFlenerKSR


KSR Bachelor Top Tweets: It’s About to Be A What? GIRL FIGHT!!

KSR Bachelor Top Tweets: It’s About to Be A What? GIRL FIGHT!!

clarenikki

 

Good morning to Bachelor fans AND all of you who hate my guts.  I hope everyone had a great day yesterday celebrating our Presidents.  For those of you who don’t like this post, allow me to share a quote from our first President, George Washington:

““If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.”

I think what George was trying to say to me here (I could be wrong) was “Aaron, if you want to write about the Bachelor you can. You have that freedom. If you don’t take advantage of it you may as well be killed.” So give me a break, haters. I don’t want to be led to any sort of slaughter, especially one that is my own. So I will continue to write about this show every week.  And I will use help. Continuing the President theme, Woodrow Wilson once said:

“I not only use all the brains that I have but all that I can borrow.”

Tonight I will once again be posting the top tweets I come up with, as well as borrowing the best I come across.

Last night the girls remaining on the Bachelor traveled to Miami and went on dates with our favorite non English speaking Bachelor, Juan Pablo.  Upon arriving in Miami, Juan Pablo goes to visit his family and his daughter Camilia. He walks in the house and whistles for Camilia. Not a bad strategy, considering she might not understand the things he says.

Speaking of not understanding English, I had a question about the date cards.

I really hope this is what happens…

The first one on one date went to Sharleen. She was less than thrilled.

After being unexcited, she got on a yacht with him and they made out a lot.

I like this part, because I totally get “yacht dates.” Go on them all the time.

 

You won’t believe this, but after they made out on the yacht they made out in the water. Just kidding, you’d totally believe it.

Nikki wonders if Juan Pablo and Sharleen are talking about anything.

Sharleen also realizes they talk about nothing.

After his date with Sharleen, Nikki gets a one on one date. Juan Pablo takes her to meet his parents, his baby momma, and his daughter. His daughter is performing a dance recital. Nikki is wearing what amounts to denim boy shorts and a deep v-neck t-shirt.

Juan Pablo had this semi english statement to say to Nikki as they sat near the pitcher’s mound:

“If the moon and the skies and everyone else wants us to be together. Then it is.” We need the guy from the AT&T commercials to be around when Juan Pablo is talking to say things like “I follow you.”

After Nikki’s date, which consisted of them going to the Marlins’ stadium, things get fun with Sharleen. Sharleen has decided the Bachelor format is not conducive for her finding forever love. In general terms, I believe she thinks Juan Pablo is stupid and doesn’t want to introduce him to her family. I can’t argue to the contrary.

 

Sharleen informs the girls that she is leaving and then she goes to break the news to Juan Pablo. What happens next is an odd interaction that was completely whispered.

Juan Pablo isn’t happy with the news of Sharleen’s departure, but he makes an excellent observation.

Of course, this next tweet is also a possibility…

 

Sharleen leaves, but not before she says what every girl is always thinking.

Next up is a group date. Juan Pablo, Andi, Clare, Renee, and Chelsie. Andi gets the rose and gets to continue on the date alone with Juan Pablo. This did not thrill Clare, as she had just opened up to Juan Pablo about the video her Dad made for her future husband. Here are Turkey Hunter’s hope for that video.

And here are a couple smoking hot takes on why Clare did not receive a rose…

 

Since Clare, Renee, and Chelsie did not receive a rose, they head back to the palatial hotel to join Nikki. Clare, still not thrilled with being kicked off the date, is complaining to the other girls. Nikki, who hates Clare and doesn’t want to hear it, decides to head upstairs. Clare, who is “not okay with her being a b****,” follows her and it leads to an all time great Bachelor confrontation. This is what I promised shortly after it happened.

This isn’t the end of the show and doesn’t cover the rose ceremony. Just know that Chelsie gets sent home and the previews show all  four girls crying next week. But as promised, I’m going to end this post with one of the greatest arguments in the history of disagreements. Also known as a “What? GIRL FIGHT!”

Clare: “Nikki, can I talk to you for a second?”

Nikki: “Sure.”

Clare: “What was that about? What just happened? I’m confused.”

Nikki: “I just, like, I mean, I don’t feel like I’m like… I don’t like sit around while everyone is like talking s*** about my friend (Andi) and I feel like…”

Clare: “What did I say that was talking s***?”

Nikki: “I didn’t say you were talking s***.”

Clare: “Who was talking s***?”

Nikki: “I just… you interrupted.”

Clare: “Who was talking s*** down there?”

Nikki: “You interrupted. Ummmm… I was gonna say that like that’s where it was headed and I just didn’t want to be a part of it.”

Clare: “Who was talking s***?”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Clare would like to know who was talking s***.*

Nikki: “Nobody was talking s***. I said…”

Clare: “So what made you think we were talking s*** or it was leading in that direction?

Nikki: “I just… I just didn’t want to be a part of the conversation. Like I didn’t.”

Clare:  “Why?”

Nikki: “Because I just didn’t. Like I just… I didn’t feel like I had anything to add and… and… I just didn’t want to be a part of it and that’s that.”

Clare: “When you were sitting down there earlier and we were talking about how like what a bummer it was to not get a rose you were sitting  there like laughing.”

Nikki: “No there was nothing… like, I…”

Clare: “Can you not cut me off for a sec?”

Nikki: “Oh. Okay. *nodding*”

Clare: “It’s all fun and games and funny to you when it’s, like, our stuff. But when it’s something personal to you, you get up and leave.”

Nikki: “It had nothing to do with me.”

Clare: “Can you please not cut me off?”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Clare does not want to be cut off.*

Clare: “Why are you laughing?”

Nikki: “I, I just, Clare I have nothing to say to you. Like, let’s be honest, like, I don’t like you, we’re never going to be friends. You can just excuse yourself from my room.”

Clare: “I can excuse myself?”

Nikki: “Yeah.”

Clare: “This is ALL of our suite.”

Nikki: “Oh, is your stuff in here? *looks around for Clare’s stuff*   *doesn’t find it*”

Clare: “This is not YOUR room.”

Nikki: “Oh it’s not? Do you sleep in here?”

Clare: “Did you pay for it?”

Nikki: “Do you sleep in here?”

Clare: “Did you pay for it?”

Nikki: “No, did you?”

Clare: “No. So it’s neither of our rooms.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: It is KSR’s belief that ABC paid for the room.*

Nikki: “Okay.”

Clare: “So it’s open space.”

Nikki: “Great.”

Clare: “Just wanted to clarify that.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: Hell of a pun by Clare right there.*

Nikki: “Please do.”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: She already did.*

Clare: “I’m just confused, like, I wanted to come talk to you because if it was anything I said…”

Nikki: That’s not how you approached this. You approached it like attacking me and you approached it as…”

Clare: “I came up here, Nikki, to see if there is something I said to somebody that offends them that’s my doing then I’m the first to be not wanting them to feel bad.”

Nikki: “WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU? Like, it’s not about you. I just didn’t want to be apart of the conversation. I didn’t want to be apart of a conversation with you, Renee, or Chelsie.”

Clare: “This isn’t about me. This is actually I came out of my way to come talk to you. So I’m actually…”

*EDITOR’S NOTE: She walked up a flight of stairs.*

Nikki: “Cause YOU felt bad that YOU offended me and like YOU felt like YOU had to come apologize.”

Clare: “I didn’t want you to feel bad.”

Nikki: “I don’t feel bad. Like…”

Clare: “When you get up in the mid sentence of a conversation and walk out. And maybe you don’t feel bad…”

Nikki: “I don’t.”

Clare: “Maybe that’s where I’m totally wrong?”

Nikki: “You are.”

Clare: “My bad for misunderstanding you. You’re a piece of work Nikki.”

Nikki: “You’re f****** crazy.”

 

*EDITOR’S NOTE: LOL*

 

@AFlenerKSR


KSR Bachelor Top Tweets: Juan is the Loneliest Number

KSR Bachelor Top Tweets: Juan is the Loneliest Number

juannypabs

We’re going to start doing things a little differently here. The running diary format is great early on in the season when there is a lot of action going on and more girls are around to say/do ridiculous things. But at this point, we are down to 8 girls. We are going to change this into a top tweets list. Like Lettermen, only it will always be about the Bachelor. And better. This will now be your place to find the best tweets I see during the show as well as talking points you can use with co-workers, on dates with women, or when talking to your Mom. It’ll make things easier for you. It’ll make things easier for me. Everyone is a winner. Except for people who hate the Bachelor column. They always lose.

 

Depending on how you feel about The Bachelor column, I apologize/say you’re welcome for not writing about this train wreck of a television program last week. I got extremely sick. Everything inside of my body wanted to be outside of my body and it would get there anyway it could and it would do so whenever it saw fit. I had no say in the matter. Food poisoning is a lot like Clare after she has ocean coitus. It cannot be reasoned with.

 

To recap last week’s show:

1. Juan Pablo and the girls went to Vietnam.

2. Juan Pablo still can’t say English words (his attempt at “pediatric” made me think he was having a seizure).

3. Clare waved Juan Pablo home as he rounded second and headed for third on their late night venture and learned first hand that it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.

juan pablo clare ocean

Juan Pablo running the bases.

 

4. Juan Pablo asked a number of girls “Would joo juccep dis rose?”

 

Now that we’ve taken care of some housekeeping and last week’s show, let’s get to the top tweets (in no particular order) from tonight’s show (with commentary where applicable/needed) after the jump…

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KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 4): Nikki Kind of Wants to Crap Her Pants

KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 4): Nikki Kind of Wants to Crap Her Pants

the-bachelor-show-abc

 

We’ve reached the point in the Bachelor season where the girls have convinced themselves they are in love with a man each of them have spent less than approximately 10 actual hours with. From what I can tell, each episode takes place during a real life week (7 days). So, this episode was filmed during the fourth week they were there. Let’s say you dated someone for four weeks in real life where there were no restrictions on the time you could spend with that person and there weren’t 15 other people dating them. Would you be in love? I certainly hope not. However, that doesn’t stop the girls on this TV show. Nope, tonight we will find out that many of them are “falling for him” already. And while this is ridiculous, it’s great. Because girls that love the same things love to fight about who loves them more and question the intentions of anyone else who claims a greater connection to that thing. That thing could be anything from a nail polish to a spin class to a living human being. In this case, it’s a human being named Juan Pablo. Their feelings for him makes them fight and say crazy stuff, which is perfect. That’s exactly why we’re here.

8:03- Juan Pablo, wedgie fixer.

8:04- The girls are excited to go to South Korea. Clare feels unprepared due to her lack of kimono ownership.

8:05- They flew to South Korea in two minutes.

8:07- Nikki, while excited to go to South Korea, was not excited to go on the group date “halfway around the world 5 other girls that annoy me.”

8:14- While not ecstatic about being on the group date, Nikki was pumped up about how many YouTube views their dance instructors’ videos had. “Their YouTube video had 77 million views. Million! That’s a lot of views.” If Nikki’s talking numbers, I’m listening.

8:15- If Nikki is teaching dancing, however, I’m out. She just busted out “the sprinkler” and “the grab your foot and thrust your knee back and forth” dances. They weren’t terribly executed, I just already know them well.

8:16- Kat, you cannot tout yourself as the best dancer in the group when also on the date is RODNEY STUCKEY’S BABY MOMMA WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A FORMER NBA DANCER!! You think she made it to the pros by only knowing the cha cha slide?! NO. She made it just like everyone else. By being prettier than you.

8:17- The girls are told by the dance instructors that they will be performing at this dance group’s show tonight. Apparently they are a big deal. Kat and Nikki have opposite reactions:

Kat: “*high pitched, while jumping up and down* I’M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!! We’re going to be dancing on stage tonight with Twenty One (the dance group’s name). I CANNOT believe this is happening *multiple awkward fist pumps*!”

Nikki: “I don’t know the words I’d use to describe this feeling right now.This is my worst nightmare. Now we’re like getting on stage in front of thousands of screaming Korean teens and I kind of want to crap my pants.” You don’t want to crap your pants in public, Nikki. Trust me. There’s no panic like crapping your pants in public.

8:22- Nikki: “Could this day get any worse? It’s kind of cute and fun that I like suck at dancing in the privacy of the studio. Like, yeah, I get it. Let’s all laugh. But now I have to get on stage in front of who knows how many screaming teenage fans? What makes anyone believe I’m going to be able to do it when I’m terrified?” Nikki, the worst part of your day should not be having to be on the group date and the most terrifying part of you day shouldn’t be having to dance on stage in front of a big crowd. The worst and most terrifying thing you have to do today should be wearing this atrocity on your head:

(click below for Nikki’s awful hat and the rest of the diary)

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KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3): Sharleen, Not Great at Stuff

KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3): Sharleen, Not Great at Stuff

the-bachelor-show-abc

We’re a couple episodes into the second season of this Bachelor post so I don’t have to tell you why we’re here anymore. By this point you’ve established your relationship with this post. You have one of four types of relationships with the KSR Bachelor Running Diary:

1. You hate it like cancer and suggest Matt and I be executed in the comments section. Me for writing it and Matt for putting it on his sports website. (small, over the top percentage).

2. You hate it like Billy Gillispie and suggest that this post can continue living as long as it does so elsewhere.

3. You have never read it. You only read the comments section, which you really love (large percentage).

4. You actually read it and enjoy it (again, small over the top percentage consisting of Matt Jones and a handful of women).

 

That being said, haters keep hatin’ and lovers keep lovin’. That’s what the crazy girls on this show are going to do. Let’s get started.

 

8:02- Nikki: “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a level 15 ready to get out of this house and spend some time with Juan Pablo today.” Someone needs to explain to Nikki how scales work. As I recall, she is a nurse. Numbers come into play in that profession. Here is how I imagine her administering pain meds: “On a scale of 1 tablet every 4 hours you should take 30 right now.”

8:04- Juan Pablo’s daughter just said “I don’t want chicken.” That, combined with a multitude of other reasons (age, language barrier, geography, I’m not allowed in parks, etc…) leads me to believe she and I will never be friends.

8:06- Cassandra, Rodney Stuckey’s baby momma, gets the first one on one date of the night. On this date, the jeep they were driving turned into a boat because why wouldn’t it? TAKE THAT RODNEY STUCKEY!

8:07- Cassandra said her last first date was when she was 18. Then she said her last first date was three years ago. When I do the math on that to get her age, I come up with 21. (Of course, I’ll have to run those numbers by Nikki.) To continue with the math, I conclude that she was born in the 90’s (1991). Juan Pablo is 32. He was born in 1981. I know Pretty Ricky says “age ain’t nothing but a number,” but he was 27 when she got her drivers license. 

8:10- Let me give you a numerical summary for what has happened on this date so far:

1. They drove a jeep to the beach.

2. They drove aforementioned jeep into the water.

3. Jeep turned into a boat.

4. They drove around in the jeepboat for a while.

5. They docked the jeepboat at a floating yacht that was waiting for them.

6. They held hands as they jumped off the yacht and into the water.

7. They made out in the water.

(*Commercial*)- For a numerical summary of what happens on realistic first dates and the rest of the diary, click the “more” link below:

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KSR Bachelor Running Diary Episode 2: Life is about Straddling People. And Things.

KSR Bachelor Running Diary Episode 2: Life is about Straddling People. And Things.

 

Kat

The above gif is the winner for “cringiest moment of the premiere.” This is, of course, the moment when Juan Pablo said “Kat” and Kylie (the redhead) began to come forward. It made my palms sweat. The best part is the face the girl in the green makes. This was even more embarrassing than the pink dress Kylie wore. However, last week is last week. Onward we go.

 

Lots of good stuff last night. Let’s get straight to it.

THE PREVIEWS

8:00- My take aways from the preview of tonights episode are as follows:

1. I’ve never been on a date that involved blind folds. Not a bad idea, though. If I could get a girl to wear one, the better chance I would have at her liking me. I mean, sure, I don’t have money or personality, but at least I’m not good looking.

2. The crazy girl in the bathroom scene happens tonight. We’ll probably just shut this post down after that.

8:03- From what I can gather, all the girls who aren’t going on one on one dates sit around drinking all the wine all the time. They will unknowingly all ask the recipient of the date if “she is so excited” about her date at different times to which she will reply “OMG I’m sooo excited/nervous/excited blah blah freakin’ blah.”

CLARE’S DATE

8:04- “This could be the first date with my new husband.” Or it could be your fifteen minutes of fame. Either way, make the most of it!

8:05- “All I could do is sit there and smell him.” I might want to think twice about the blindfolding a date angle. Hahaha who am I kidding? I don’t go on dates.

8:06- They are sledding in a fake winter wonderland. In Los Angeles. In what I can only assume is summertime/early fall. But at least they’re doing it for the right reasons.

8:07- The Free Spirit is living up to her billing. She is topless in the hot tub. Guys that read she is topless in the hot tub and thought “I should start watching this show”, just don’t. ABC overpays someone to put a black rectangle over her upper unmentionables. In addition to the toplessness, she is a trailblazer of the “I don’t want to go on a one on one date, I just want a group date” strategy. Never heard that one before. Keep free spiriting away, Free Spirit.

8:08- Juan Pablo gets check marks for how “amazing” his date with Clare is going because he is succeeding in the following categories:

1. Having a blast.

2. He’s hilarious.

In case you guys didn’t watch, Clare says she hasn’t felt this way about a man in a long, long, long time. I think it’s worth nothing that she has known him for approximately 3 real life hours. Also, she’s not a great skater.

clare falls

 

8:13- Out of nowhere a hot tub appears in the middle of a fake winter wonderland in L.A. You crazy for this one, ABC!!

8:14- Just remembered that Clare is the one who had her Dad pass away. Let’s she if she talks abo… Oh, THERE IT IS. First thing. Just gets right into it.

8:15- ABC with a pretty brutal edit here. When Juan Pablo asks about her necklace and she talks about her Dad for what appears to be the second time in 45 seconds, her hair is dry. The first time the showed her talking about him her hair was wet. YOU CAN’T GET ANYTHING BY ME, ABC. This hot tub scene could have lasted anywhere between 10 minutes to 6 hours. Look, if hotel hot tubs on AAU trips taught us one thing, it’s that the rash you got in there may last forever. But if it taught us two things, it’s that and “You’re not supposed to stay in a hot tub for longer than 15 minutes.”

8:16- Juanny P.: “Clare, I had a pretty pretty much good time with you. It was pretty pretty much incredible.” Someone should teach him the word “really.”

8:17- Making out in water with legs wrapped around. A staple of The Bachelor and spring break. “You taste like snow.” Sooo, water?

8:19- How much crap are these guys playing the private concert in fake snow getting from their buddies right now? I bet they all started a group text at the same time.

8:20- Clare is a little over the top in her interviews. I’m not saying she’s driving on Interstate Ashlee yet, but she knows how to get there.

KAT’S DATE

8:25- I don’t know who has the rest of Kat’s shorts, but they should keep them.

8:26- A totally normal first date. A private jet to a rave run. I can’t imagine how all these relationships fail when the private jets and fake winter wonderlands fade away. AND I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD try to take me on a run on a first date. It’d be over before it started cause when we got done I’d have to say “Take me to a doctor.”

8:32- Who knew Mormons could get so crunk? This guy knows what I’m talking about. This guy DEFINITELY knows what I’m talking about!

GROUP DATE

8:38- Anyone else find it ironic that Free Spirit works in a clothing store? I’ve always thought it was difficult to sell stuff you don’t believe in.

8:39- I get that this photographer has a blue goatee, I just don’t understand it.

8:40- Free Spirit’s biggest fear was that a dog would pee on her because she borrowed someone else’s shoes because of course she had to borrow someone else’s shoes.

8:41- A “sexy photo shoot” with dogs seems wrong on so many levels.

8:42- Whose Cheerios did the girl who had to dress like a dog pee in? She looks like a malnourished turd.

8:44- Andi the hot gang lawyer: “A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being naked is not my comfort zone.” What she’s trying to say is she doesn’t have Snapchat.

8:50- Free Spirit, what up? “I’m really glad that I switched with Elise. I was happy to take off my top as always.” Cool, what are you going to do now? “I’m going to make that ABC nudity blur out guy earn his living.”

8:51- Juanny P.: “I’m really looking forward to get to know better Cassandra.” At least he didn’t say “I’m pretty pretty much looking forward to get to know better Cassandra.”

8:53- Andi the hot gang lawyer: “I’m the girl that brought a one piece.” Again, what she’s trying to say is she doesn’t have Snapchat.

9:02- Thanks to the internet I found out that Cassandra is Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma. I don’t have anything else to add. That one’s on the house, you guys.

9:04- Victoria just dropped a “hey girl heeeeeey,” which in English means “I’ve been over served.”

9:05- The best way to tell if a person is drunk is to hear them talk about how sober they are. Don’t look now, but Victoria is talking about how sober she is! What’s else do you have to say, oh sober one? “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERYDAY. Cause that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” I stand corrected. The best way to tell if a person is drunk is not to hear them talking about how sober they are. The best way to tell if a person is drunk is to hear them talk publicly about straddling peoeple… And things.

9:10- Someone is feeding Victoria fireball shots off camera. A person can’t get this drunk on champagne. She was in the hot tub by herself (another sign of intoxication) and then said this WORD FOR WORD to a producer in an interview: “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend, today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone is like ‘OH, you straddled Juan Pablo?’ Like, if you do the hymen maneuver and somebody’s like totally laying down and dying you’re gonna have to straddle them.” This can’t really be argued, except for the fact that when she says “hymen maneuver” she means “CPR.”

9:11- “WHOSE LEG DO I HAVE TO HUMP AROUND HERE TO GET SOME ONE ON ONE TIME!” Victoria spent too much time with the dogs. That or she’s doing illegal drugs off camera. Nothing is out of bounds for her at this point.

9:13- Victoria has entered the  “I can’t hear you” zone. People in this zone can’t be reasoned with. They might as well be an animal. Right now, Victoria is in the handicapped bathroom stall looking kind of like this…

victoria, basically

only with less clothes on.

9:15- Victoria is well on her way to getting a zone named after her. As in, “That girl is in the Victoria Zone.” Once a person enters the Victoria Zone, they can do nothing that surprises or shocks you. Anything goes. A speaking of things going, Victoria wants to go home. I don’t want her to go home, I want somebody to play some LMFAO and give the bottle back to her.

9:20- I don’t know if Victoria doesn’t answer Juanny P. when he comes into the bathroom because she’s in the “Victoria Zone,” or because he is calling her Bicktoria and she has no idea he’s talking to her. She never answers, so we’ll never know.

9:23- “For more information about the charities seen on tonight’s show and to find out how you can get some of what Victoria was sippin’ on, visit ABC.com.”

JUANNY P. VISITS VICTORIA’S HOTEL ROOM

9:28- Victoria’s attention seeking methods remind me of Tierra. If you are reading this and you ever hear someone say that about you, you will die alone.

9:31- Juanny P. just decided Victoria is unfit to be the step-mother of his child. Is this or is this not the easiest decision that’s ever been made? This decision was so easy it should’ve been sponsored by STAPLES.

COCKTAIL PARTY

9:38- People should fake interview people more often. Consider this a PSA for fake interviews.

9:42- Cheer up Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma, it’s a cocktail party! Also, props to Renee for putting on a compassion show. She’s wheelin and dealin hugs. Who wants a hug? You want a hug? You got a hug.

9:43- Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma used the word like 11 times in 20 seconds. You know what she didn’t use? Protection.

ROSE CEREMONY

9:53- Sharleen keeps up the stone face upon receiving her second rose. Seriously, you can’t show me another girl in Bachelor history to be less excited about receiving a rose than Sharleen. She’s smiled so little I’m not even sure she has teeth.

9:54- FREE SPIRIT Y’ALL!!

9:55- Other than Free Spirit, pretty much chalk so far on the roses. Last rose coming up and the rose less girls are looking around like Milton during the distribution of Lumbergh’s cake.

9:56- Final rose goes to something called a Kristy, a person which I have yet to hear speak.

Amy L. and Chantel are eliminated along with the greatest two episode player in Bachelor history, Victoria. You guys don’t realize it yet, but we’re really going to miss her.

 

During the show every week I get a LOT of text messages & tweets from friends watching the show. All of them are welcomed, and most of them are really funny. None, however, are funnier than the ones I get from the Turkey Hunter. So to end each KSR Bachelor Running Diary, I’m going to share with you (if I can) the funniest text I get from the Turkey Hunter.

It’s a feature we’re going to call the “Turkey Hunter Text of the Night.”

 

Turkey Hunter Text of the Night:

“I’m setting the over/under on Cassandra’s combined IQ & credit score at 91.”

 

@AFlenerKSR

 

 


KSR Bachelor Running Diary Episode One: A Mineral Coordinator Cries A LOT

KSR Bachelor Running Diary Episode One: A Mineral Coordinator Cries A LOT

bachelor

When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for three things. The crazy, the tears, and the daddy issues. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you don’t get a say in this argument because you are reading, not writing.  If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. We’re not going to be friends. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. What do you say we get started? Are you psyched? I’m Psyched!

 

If you’re like me you’re tall, have a valid driver’s license, and you’re easy to get along with. But you were also left wanting more after the Bachelor preview episode from Sunday night. Sure, we got to hear some crazy things said and see a crazy thing or two done, but the good stuff starts now. I apologize for not posting this yesterday. I totally would have had it existed at that time. But it didn’t. I had a prior engagement scheduled for Monday night (watching the BCS game with my friends) and was unable to watch The Bachelor and write about it that night. However it has been said that “good things come to those who wait.” Dennis Rodman has been talking a lot lately, let’s attribute that quote to him.

Here is how I predict this episode will go. The show will start off with a montage of Juan Pablo leaving his daughter and family behind in Miami. Then they will pan to shots of him running or sitting alone on a beach with his shirt off. Possibly a small workout scene. Then there will be a short preview of things they do during the season. Probably bungee jumping, slow dancing, and swimming. Then Easy Job Chris Harrison will appear and talk to him for a few minutes. THEN the good stuff starts happening.

Here we go…

8:00- “This season, on The Bachelor we’ll do a lot of insanely romantic stuff that real couples would NEVER do when they start dating so that all the girls think they are madly in love with Juan Pablo and therefore backstab each other and cry their eyes out on national television!!! It all starts right now on ABC on the season premiere of The Bachelor!!”

8:02- I couldn’t have been more right in my prediction of the shirtless montage.

8:04- Girls, if you’re Dad ever said the words “I’m going to L.A. to find a wife and a step mom for my daughter,” he doesn’t really love you.

8:06- Juan Pablo running shirtless on the beach!! Who would have thought?!?!

8:10-8:15- It’s tough to accept the fact that I’ll never get back the five minutes I spent watching Juan Pablo and Sean have a conversation about the best ways to find love on a TV show.

8:25- I can’t write about that massage scene without getting fired. I just can’t. I mean, what in all the hell was that ABC? I got my Mom a massage for Christmas and now I just feel gross. I don’t know if this massage girl is ALL the crazy, but she’s most of it.

8:29- “You’ll never be completely dressed without a smile on your face” sounds like a quote Lacy saw on her BFF’s Instagram

As the girls arrive, I will fill out a short questionnaire about each one that I created in my mind yesterday at work. I have a feeling this will be a long post and I love hate angering the “I’m here for sports” people, so click the “read more” link and we’ll get started.

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