Kentucky Sports Radio
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Since the blogger contest ended for me (6 years into its decade-long run), I have received quite a bit of mail asking for my opinion/advice/picture/hand in marriage. Though I’d prefer to attribute it to my unique and witty writing skills, I think my gender has a part to play in the type of emails I’ve been getting. In fact, I took a few minutes to make a pie chart (Mr. Clay would be so proud of my Excel skills) of the emails I get the most:
Note: I have since confirmed that the BTI email was actually from his elite World of Warcraft guild needing his level 80 nightelf warrior to help them with their 25 man raid, and not in fact from a girl.
I thought for my first column I’d take it to the people and answer one of the questions from my mailbag. Here is what Kevin from Lexington wrote to me last week:
“Dear Ms. Martin,
Are you hot? Just kidding. I need some advice. I’m having a hard time meeting and picking up quality women. I’m looking for a girl who is a sports fan, and more specifically a Kentucky fan. Could you give me any tips for snagging the woman of my dreams?
Thanks in advance,
Kevin
P.S. If you could send a picture with your reply, it would really help me understand and judge your advice better. Thanks.”
Dear Kevin,
Thanks so much for your question, and I’m really glad you’ve asked it. Though I’m married now, I remember what its like to be down in the trenches of the dating scene, alone with my cats on Friday nights, praying that that certain someone notices me and that E-Harmony stops rejecting my application (by “my”, I mean “my friend’s”) Here are a few of my “do’s” and “don’ts” when it comes to relating to women of the sports persuasion:
1. Don’t assume that every female sports fan is just a casual fan. Yes, it’s pretty common knowledge that most women who claim to be sports fans either:
a. Change their team preferences based on their current boyfriend/spouse/celebrity crush or
b. Just like the teams colors and how cool they think they are when they wear them. (Look-I’m sure there are many passionate Cubs fans, but with the amount of Cubs hats I have to see on a regular basis, you would think that their entire fanbase consists of 20-something sorority girls.)
However, despite what some would say, there are women who are actual fans. Yes, even the type of fans who can name every starting lineup since the ‘80s in an attempt to prove to a lawyer that it can be done (Bring it Jones).
2. Do utilize the cheesy pickup line. A few examples:
-Is your name Ed Davender? Because you just stole my heart!
-If beauty were basketball teams, you’d be UK ‘96 hands down.
-Are you a post-game referee criticism? Because you have ‘fine’ written all over you.
-I hear the UK football team needs a new tight end. You’d be perfect for the job.
- You can be my “Y” anytime.
-Excuse me, but is your name Richie Farmer? Because you are Unforgettable.
3. Don’t use any pickup line involving Porcinis. Self-explanatory.
4. Don’t name drop unless you’ve got the goods. The only way that girls will be impressed with your friendship with “X” player/coach is if you actually know said player/coach. Otherwise the conversation could end up like this:
Boy: You’re a UK fan? Wow, I was just having a pizza with my good friend John (that’s Calipari in case you didn’t know, and we’re incredibly close) Anyway, I was just having pizza with my close friend John last night in Lex Vegas (that’s what John likes to call it, isn’t that funny?) and he told the craziest story about-
Girl: That’s odd because I could have sworn Cal tweeted 35 messages in 40 seconds from his speaking engagement in Florida last night.
Boy: Doh.
5. Don’t challenge her to a UK trivia match. This is a lose/lose situation for you, Kevin. If you lose, you lost to a girl in a sporting event and may never have your manhood redeemed. If you win, you have embarrassed the girl and will have absolutely no shot at picking up her, her friends, or anyone within a 90 mile radius.
6. Do ask her about her favorite player. This is a perfect conversation starter for you. First of all, you show her that you are impressed with her fandom and want to know more about her. Additionally, this is the perfect opportunity to test the waters and see if she is, indeed a true Kentucky fan. If she answers “Kyle Macy, hands downs”, for example, you’ve got a potential first-rounder on your hands. If her answer is “Didn’t we have a player named Tubby once? “, move along. If her answer is indeed sufficient for you, feel free to use the information to your advantage in the future. Invite her over, pop in a tape of her favorite player’s best game and watch the magic happen. I expect your first child to be named Kate.
7. Don’t be too picky. Does she wish Tubby was still the coach? Does she think Pitino was right not putting a man on the inbounds? Is she a fan of coal? Let it go, dude. Thinking Hansbrough is “kind of hot” does not a deal breaker make.
8. Do be picky sometimes, especially about fandom. You will encounter women in your endeavors who are not UK fans. I will tell you this from personal experience, it is much better for you to settle for a non-Sports fan than to ever consider dating a UL, UT, or Duke fan. Now, I won’t say that a relationship between a Cards/Vols/Dorks fan and UK fan has never worked, I’m just saying it’s more trouble than it’s worth. A breakdown of the aforementioned female fanbases:
A. Duke girls- Probably only fans because they spent 4 years begging for the attention of the nerdy boys, plus I’m 99% sure they never really do stop jumping.
B. UL girls- Should come with a warning: does not age well.
C. Vols girls- Really? Eww.
9. Don’t mention how hot you think Ashley Judd, Megan Calipari, or Erin Andrews are. Yes, we think they’re hot too. But as you will learn, Kevin, women like to delude themselves into imagining that they are the hottest woman on the planet. So, please keep your fantasies of being Cal’s son-in-law to yourself, and we won’t mention our secret obsession with all things Mark Pope.
Hope this helps Kevin!
-Kate
[powered by WordPress.]
Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
28 queries. 0.725 seconds
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
good stuff Kate….missed your posts….
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
good post funny and true. haha
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
LMAO!! This was awesome! Great article Kate Amos….errr…Martin! haha. Say hi to Maggie for me next time you see her.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:14 pm
NEVER KISS IN THE CLUB.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:14 pm
?
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
This was not a good post. Just my opinion.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 pm
You’ve gotta be related to Jared Carter because I’m definitely not chicken to get tender with you. Move over Erin Andrews cuz I have a new “sports girl” crush and her name name is Kate. (Rule 2 followed but bombed…Rule 9 broken)
Look for me at the game. I’ll be the guy holding the “I need Kate and #8″ sign.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Yes! As a woman, I appreciate your female perspective on UK basketball. On another note watching KU right now and they look just as sloppy/out of sorts as we did. At this point, they are not dominating Fort Hays State like the #1 team in the land either.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
5 - I was referencing the story Woo told about Brandon Stockton kissing in the club on the podcast.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13710271&ref=sgm
Will the real Katie Martin please stand up??
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Nice first post.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I knew it, women really do think other women are hot! Great write-up. I was pulling for you to win Kate.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 pm
This was the best post I have ever read on KSR
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Are you hot?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
This is why u should have won
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Kate,
You should have won this contest and I think that’s clear. However, I have to ask…do you really think Tyler Hansborough is hot? Even kind of hot? Mark Pope, hot? I don’t think so, Kate. If you really believe that, you’ve gone down a few pegs on my fantasy list (which isn’t where most women want to be). So, for the record, if you want to be first in my fantasies (which you do) then stop thinking guys with stupid haircuts are hot.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Good but too long. Why did you have to take a jab at coal? You know that subject has been overly debated on here. Another person who is ignorant over the subject it sounds like to me.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:16 pm
this was a great post, right up to the line “though i’m married now”. i kinda lost you after that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Great post!! Enjoyed it all the way through!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I liked the post…enjoyed it a lot… great post, but it was a tad to long….not by much though…
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Easily one of the top five posts I’ve ever seen… hysterical!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Whoever voted her off is/are an idiot/s.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 pm
After reading this post, only one phrase really comes to mind: That’s what she said.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Does BTI really play world of warcraft? I have a 80 night elf female druid that i dance naked with in Goldshire to make money.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Over/under on the amount of times until May that Matt Jones asks Kate, “Do you have any sisters or friends who are single?”: 47
November 4th, 2009 at 12:07 am
This was a great post Katie
November 4th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I love this post, it’s so very true. As for Hansbrough, his eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head at any minute so, from another female perspective, no he’s not.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:46 am
27.) Thank you! There are sensible females in Kentucky! I was about to give up hope.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Good stuff. I check the site daily and I think KSR is up to about thirtyteen different posters and sometimes they tell the same jokes or make the same references over and over. It is truly refreshing and entertaining to read some feminine prose on this site. Hope to see more posts from Kate in the future.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Great job Katie. Love reading what I wish I was talented enough to write. I think most true blue kentucky girls think alike.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Kate: I have been waiting for another post from you since you got voted out of the contest–how long ago??? Anyway, I thought this was great and it is good to know that there are other females who are as passionate about the UK Wildcats as I am. I have been reading KSR for some time now and I don’t think we get enough comments from the female fan base. Sometimes, it feels like the MEN think this is just their world and they have exclusive ownership for any UK/sports fandom and female sports opinions are just beneath them as if we are an inferior race somehow when it comes to anything sports related. I would just ask one favor–with all the “hot” girls pictures the guys get to look at/make comments about on this site–can you post us girls some HOT, HOT guy pictures, and NO, please don’t show Hansbrough (he looks gay to me)–maybe someone like Matthew McConaughey!! Thanks and once again–a great post.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:40 am
“…we won’t mention our secret obsession with all things Mark Pope.”
He’s a Mormon that was a “Tebow” (i.e. virgin) until last year.
Plus, he wears freaky underwear. Just ask Boss Lawdog.
Kate, you had me at hello…but killed my buzz like a bad car crash.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
In response to all the Pope/Hansbrough questions….In 1996 my sister and I were in 4th and 1st grades respectively. We met Mark in person, and then proceeded to rename all our Ken dolls and tell people our last name was Pope. I was 10, get off me.
And Hansbrough was a hypothetical only. I have not had impure thoughts about the man, but let’s not act like he’s freaking Quazimodo here.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Kate, you just like Hansbrough cause he found that little girl’s dog…
November 4th, 2009 at 10:00 am
#34- lol that commercial is absolutely ridiculous. Every time it comes on and I make a snide comment, my husband asks me AGAIN who the guy is. He’s clueless about sports
November 4th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Kate that was HILARIOUS. We been waiting…what, seven years since your last post? Keep it comming. And by the way is Richie playin’ Ta-nat?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Thought I would try some UK oriented pick up lines. 1. How about I play a bench and you play Masiello and ride me all night long. 2. Man I would like to take you to a fine dining Italian restaurant, have sex with you on a table, and impregnate you.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
why doesn’t tyler thompson get a column? I like Kate but I miss Tyler
November 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am
That’s ok, Kate. I have had impure thoughts–just not about Hansbrough or Pope!
November 4th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Clueless about sports he is? Sounds like time for an upgrade