Kentucky Sports Radio
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
This is a true story involving my real wife (Mrs. Fake Gimel), my real kids, and the real Patrick Patterson.
Like so many other loving husbands, I sent my wife to the Women’s Clinic held Wednesday night. Honestly I wasn’t sending her for some sort of KSR-exclusive inside report. Mrs. Fake has always been a lukewarm Kentucky basketball fan and I thought sending her to meet the coaches and players would help her build some excitement for the forthcoming season.
After the camp, Mrs. Fake gave me a call so I could come pick her up. After the kids jumped into the Fake Family Blazer (the only vehicle we own) I tried moving the driver’s seat back, as it was pushed fully forward. The seat would not budge! After checking fuses and other assorted troubleshooting, I found that one of the kids accidentally stripped out a power wire that was dangling underneath the powered seat. There was no way I could drive safely back down to campus with my knees pushed up against the steering wheel; I don’t think I could touch the pedals if I tried!
I called Mrs. Fake and told her I’d call her father (who lives in the outskirts of Lexington and could pick her up). A few minutes later, she calls me back. “Tell Dad I don’t need him. I got a ride. One of the players offered to take me home.”
“Really? Who is it?” I asked.
“Um, I don’t know. Here, you talk to him.” A decidedly non-Mrs. voice boomed in next. “Hello?”
“Hey, thank you very much for offering to take my wife back to our house,” I stated. “Who is this?”
“This is Patrick Patterson.” he replied.
I couldn’t suppress my excitement, and I blurted out with a triumphant-but-silly tone, “YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN!” (Yes, I really did say that. Yes, I’m an idiot.) I thanked him again for his kindness and secretly hoped Mrs. Fake wouldn’t invite Patrick inside.
During most of the drive, Mrs. Fake gave Patrick a complete analysis on the cuteness of our children. “I didn’t want to bombard him with basketball questions,” she told me later. She pressed Patrick to come inside and see the cuteness for himself. He graciously obliged.
After entering our foyer, I shook Pat’s hand and thanked him again for his time. I called for the children to come downstairs and meet a man who will probably be heralded as of the most beloved Wildcats of all time. But no one came, as they were too engrossed in their Bakugan toys.
I turned to Patrick and said, “Hey, would you like to stay and play some Wii?” He laughed; I was smiling like I was joking. 10 minutes of playing against Patrick in Wii Sports Resort 3-Point Contest would have been a glorious highlight of my life.
After I hollered upstairs again, our 4-year-old son (we’ll call him Fake Anakin) finally appears. After being introduced, Fake Anakin asks, “Patrick? Like Patrick Star?”
Pat laughed and recognized the character from Spongebob Squarepants. I said, “Well, this Patrick is a star, but he’s a star in basketball. He plays on the Wildcats!” I think that confused Fake Anakin, as this large man standing in his house was not star-shaped.
At this time, our 6-year-old son (Fake Obi-Wan) finally comes down to the foyer. I introduce Patrick to Fake Obi-Wan, and he seems only slightly amused towards the large stranger in our house. I tried explaining to Fake Obi-Wan that we would be cheering for Patrick in basketball games. Fake Anakin also tried to help by telling his brother, “His name is like Patrick’s from Spongebob!” Fake Obi-Wan gave Patrick a high-five and went back upstairs for more Bakugan Brawl.
(As a consequence to his actions, Fake Obi-Wan will not be able to watch the new episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars until he learns all the words to the UK Fight Song. Okay, I’m kidding.)
Graciously Patrick excused himself to leave and we thanked him again for his time.
Mrs. Fake and I wouldn’t have blamed Patrick for leaving Mrs. Fake at the Coliseum. He probably had plans after the clinic that would have allowed him to relax. Those plans were definitely not driving a married woman to her house, meeting her dorky and otherwise socially-awkward husband and her cute but nerdy children.
Because Patrick was so giving of his time, he gave our family a moment that we will cherish forever. And I don’t mean that in a starstruck, “we just met a BASKETBALL PLAYER!” kind of way. I am legitimately touched by his kindness in helping my wife get home, regardless of his affiliation with the basketball team.
Thanks again, Patrick. You’re welcome to come over and play Wii anytime.
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:50 am
give this guy a key along with Cal.great story!
October 8th, 2009 at 10:54 am
You know what, stories posted like this is what’s so great about the internet and it’s place among UK Basketball. Growing up you here stuff like this as a side note, or years later or whatever, it’s nice to hear this things so you can appreciate the players and team while they are still here.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I would’ve made him autograph the wii controller.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I was at the Clinic last night as well, and the team was amazing. The best part was the older women hitting on Perry though!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:01 am
THIS is why I like PP. I have been watching B-Ball a long time and there have been many great players, but a guy with this game and heart is truly very very rare. We must Love this man
October 8th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Awesome.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:05 am
The real question here is…did you ceran wrap your hand and vow never to wash it again??
October 8th, 2009 at 11:06 am
What an awesome story, i’m going to move to Lexington and get married just so i can have a wife get stranded after a bball clinic and get a ride home with an all time great.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Patterson’s picture should be in the dictionary next to the word “Integrity” without a definition. UK is truly blessed to have this man representing the program.
One question Fake Gimel. Since you use a pseudonym, did Patrick know your affiliation to KSR?
October 8th, 2009 at 11:07 am
you’re married? to a girl?
October 8th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Awesome story. We are VERY lucky to have Patrick and his family as part of the Big Blue family.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:09 am
AMAZING a large real Thanks for a REAL story from one Fake Gimel
Kudos to PPat and just as deserving, the Patterson family gets my vote for parents of the well decade? century? … what a great guy. Win or lose on the court (and i like our chances there) I will always be a huge fan of Patrick. He deserves the best in life and I will revel in watching his hard work and decency pay LARGE dividends.
Thanks for being a Kat!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
how many women at the camp?
October 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
13 was thinking the same thing.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:11 am
***11
October 8th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Cool story. I’m sure Mrs. Patterson will be pleased that Patrick did a good deed and helped your wife.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I am somewhat surprised you did not offer your fake wife to him.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:21 am
18 I am surprised it took 18 posts before someone said something like that.
You should got him to sign a Patrick Star if you had one.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Coach Cal’s live chat is cracking me up. Right in the middle of it a big ad for Bounce Back popped up in the middle of the screen. The rest of the time he’s telling us all to wait because he’s talking to Mitch about football. Ha!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:22 am
*should have
October 8th, 2009 at 11:25 am
11- LOL
18- He may not have disclosed all details of the story… lol
October 8th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Very good story though. If I had a 30 year old daughter, I would allow her to date Patrick.(yes 30…my daughters won’t be able to date until their 30)
October 8th, 2009 at 11:33 am
I’m a car guy…what’s he drive?
October 8th, 2009 at 11:34 am
The Pattersons have so many things to be proud of where 2 Pat is concerned. THIS sort of thing is tops.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I think we should come up with a GOOD nickname for Patrick. The PPats and all of those are kinda lame. Let’s give him a Kool name guys…
Suggestions?…
October 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am
28, go for it.. But I’ve called him 2 Pat from day one and I’ll keep right on, “lame” or not.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hey Fake Gimel, did you tell PPat who you are? That you write for KSR? Was he star struck? Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t stay and play Wii with you. Didn’t wanna intrude on your time:)
October 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Awesome story, will leave UK as my favorite of all time. I hope and pray we make a deep deep tourney run for this kid. My Mother Dorothy Mantooth is and SAINT and Pat my friend you are also a saint.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am
29- go right ahead. I just think our #1 Cat needs a cooler name…
October 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am
28 - I remember in his UKAthletics chat he said he wanted to be called “P Double” this year.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I must’ve missed the part where you offered up Fake Obi-Wan as a burnt offering to Patterson.
In all seriousness, Patterson’s importance to this program will only grow over the years. I thoroughly expect him back in the role of a retired Kenny Walker or even the Athletic Director or something. The kid’s got a great personality, great family, great business mind, and GREAT character.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:51 am
This collective group of individuals from the POTY Wall, to Big Cuz’s “people’s champion” qualities, down to Patterson being quite possibly the greatest human being alive (exaggeration? I think … well maybe, but shut up) may end up going down as one of the two or three most cherished and fondly remembered crew of Cats in the history of the program. This group has that “IT”, and they very much get “IT”. This season can’t get here soon enough.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am
28 how about we just rename the team the “Kentucky Wild-Pats” I like the way that sounds
October 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am
34- I like that.
I like “Saint Patrick”. Just seems to fit…
October 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am
33- how about “PatPat?”
October 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Really #6? that’s too easy lol
Patrick Patterson is in a league of his own…we all know that! As Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez would say “He was less than a god, but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or somethin’”UK#1
October 8th, 2009 at 11:59 am
here’s a noble idea. If the dude really said that he wants to be called “P Double” we respect his wishes. Just a thought. I mean we could call him “Carl” I guess. wow!
October 8th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
28-nice.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
steller, duuuude.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Haha, you own a Wii.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
24. I’m assuming he still drives his POS Jeep. I remember there being an article or something about it last year and he jokes about all the things that are wrong with it.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
1 - it sounds like we already have a nick name for him “Patrick Star”, or may just “Star”, like the main charachter from cool runnings
2 - When you introduced Fake Anakin, did you happen to mention “the force is strong with this one”, just curious?
October 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Sorry to steal your thunder Fake Gimel, but Maggard posted this on Tuesday afternoon….
Better luck next time
October 8th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
44 I hate the nerd fights… but that’s stinking funny.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Who’s guarding Patterson in this picture, dude looks like Olajuwon.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Hey Fake Gimel, I’m really happy for you, and Imma gonna let you finish, but Matt Jones writes the best stories of all time. OF ALL TIME.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I wonder how fast Fake Gimel sent the kids off to bed and rounded up Mrs. Fake for some serious adulation & adoration.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
How about P squared?
October 8th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Coach Cal just tweeted about this.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Awesome story! Pat is now my favorite UK player of all time after reading this. Sorry Monster Mash.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Patterson is the best. He deserves one hell of a winning season. Sorry you had to get coached by Bully Cylde - the fruity smell was tough with that one.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
P-Dub.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
P.Pat you are one great human being!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
49- unoriginal. Lot’s of squared nicknames.
54- I like that
October 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I never understood the P Squared thing anyway. Simple math says that 1 squared = 1 So P squared = P I do like the P Dub one, though..
October 8th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Pat is THE man! Makes me feel so proud and honored to be a Kentucky Wildcat!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I still like “Saint Patrick”. Then he can have his own holiday March 17…the day before the NCAA tourney begins.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
57.) Who is to say that P = 1 maybe P = 1.4142
October 8th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
#10 - I actually thought about telling him I wrote for the site. But considering I had told him on the phone that he was, “a God among men”, I didn’t want him to feel any more awkward.
#11 — I KNOW! Its been 6 years and I still feel like I won the lottery.
#32 — Wouldn’t it make more sense to offer up Fake Anakin up for sacrifice, since Anakin ends up burning in a river of lava before he turns into Darth Vader?
#48 — I made the mistake of sending a text to Matt Jones. Then I stayed up until 2AM writing about this event. Mrs. Fake was happily asleep by 12:30.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
57. The use of one as an example does not fully illustrate the fullness of this misconception. However, you are correct that P^2 is incorrect. It would actually be 2*P. Therefore the only possibility that P^2 is appropriate if if: P^2 = 2*P which is only true if P=2 or P=0.
Yes, I know this is pointless and lame…I appologize for wasting the last 16.723 seconds of your life.
I like “Star”
October 8th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Maybe you should just combine the names of the great Super Heroes of all time.
“SuperIncredibleBatSpiderIronGreenHornetFlash–Man”. We could make him a special uniform with a blue cape and a big K on the back!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
wow. thats pretty impressive
October 8th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Perfect indeed
October 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
What does PPat drive? A Michael Scott Chrysler Sebring? Mini Cooper?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
62 and 57 You are thinking about it the wrong way. P is not a variable like you are describing it. It is assumed that P is a constant of value P, hence it holds that P*P=P^2 and does NOT = 2*P, because 2*P= P+P (ie 3*3=3^2, or arbitrarily 39073778*39073778=39073778^2). So, it depends on whether you want to state Patrick’s initials as—>PP or P+P, assuming everyone sticks with the conventional PP (=P*P) then the statement P*P=P^2 is correct.
In conclusion, I love Patterson!
October 8th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
#51 - Wonder if Erin Calipari alerted Coach Cal to this story…since she we know she reads the blog.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
What an awesome dude. Really.
I would genuinely go out of my way to meet Patrick and I can’t remember the last time I felt that way about a UK player.
He really is something special.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:08 am
A very classy move by a very classy man. We are so fortunate to have such an outstanding young man like Patrick to represent all that is RIGHT with college athletics. I bet Mrs. Patterson is proud of her baby boy for being such a gentleman.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:45 am
[...] Also the story linked was a great story by one of the writers on KSR. This also just proves something again, that Patrick Patterson is a UK great for every aspect of what he does for this university. He is a man amongst boys and this just adds to it. This is also another reason KSR is just better than TBK. Well everything is better than TBK…. [...]
October 9th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Fake Gimel, so now that Patterson knows your real identity, I guess you have to kill him. But you please wait until the end of the season and our National Championship? Thanks!