Kentucky Sports Radio
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
*This feature regularly appears on the Wednesday edition of KentuckySportsRadio.com. It is optional reading and includes no recruiting information.
Friends,
As New Line Cinema currently still holds the rights to the former title of this column (early reviews of the Lopez/Wilson vehicle are stellar, by the way), You-Have-to-Know-This Wednesday trucks along at the end of May, the beginning of summer, and the heralding of a new batch of recent high school and college graduates.
Recently, I was invited to give the commencement speech at Mary Pickford University in Hawk Springs, Wyoming, a charmingly small college town which was more than accommodating to me during my stay there. I had been asked to share a motivational speech with the graduates of MPU about the world of tomorrow and how to best prepare for it, the school’s Dean having been a fan of this very site. The speech, I’m pleased to say, was met with rousing success, and it has been suggested I post it here. So, without further adieu…
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My esteemed Graduates,
Congratulations on your release from Mary Pickford University! Times like these are magical ones, for they herald the outgoing of a new batch of our world’s citizens and make room for the next crop of young minds. It is a wonderful time. You should remember, however, that the world is a vast place, and that your travels will take you far — and with that, new experiences will be waiting for you which you should be prepared for.
What will the world of tomorrow hold for you? For starters, probably robots. When I graduated from college in the very late nineties, our biggest fear was that Nirvana would stop making music (they did) or that the next season of NYPD Blue would suck (it did). But you, my friends of tomorrow, have to deal with a far greater innovation. These robots will be far superior to you in every way, beating you out for jobs, instantly emailing valuable information from wherever they are using their built-in wi-fi processors. They will have a leg up on you, and you should not try to defeat them alone because they will be very strong. I’m just saying. Watch out for robots.
Also, learn how to hoard effectively. The world of tomorrow is filled with post-apocolyptic mutants who will kill to survive. When this happens, finding a motorcycle will never have been more important to you. Taking what you can and bartering with your fellow dirty-faced survivors in the tomorrow’s landscape will serve you well, establishing you as a person who can “get things done.” Inevitably you will come upon a village of scroungy workers, women and children, who will call upon you to lead them to freedom. You will need to be prepared for this first by digging out, with a knife, the government-sanctioned tracking chip placed inside your body during the Recall of 2021 (for that is what it will be called). Then you will be able to move freely among the danger zones of tomorrow. Safely. On your motorcycle, which will be supercool and all souped up with guns and stuff.
It’s important not to forget that powerful psychics will also be employed by the government in the world of tomorrow to locate, telepathically, those who are living “off the grid.” It will be especially difficult to foil these individuals, who will infiltrate your mind to see what you see and take that information back to their superiors. You will need to find a scientist who is reluctant to help you, but eventually will come around to fighting alongside you after his only daughter is taken by the robot police, and he will open up a secret safe and give you a serum which helps cloud your mind when these powerful psychics attempt to get inside it. Then the scientist will probably die saving his daughter.
Finally, never underestimate the power of confidence and a firm handshake. This will help impress prospective employers and win you friends everywhere you go. Unless they are robots, in which case their crushing grip will likely destroy your hand.
So get out there and follow your dreams, graduates!
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There you have it. And thanks for letting me share. It’s important to have a game plan after graduation. Otherwise, you may end up like Brian Atene, who in 1984 answered director Stanley Kubrick’s open call for cast members of his in-development film Full Metal Jacket with a rousing scene from The Outsiders. Mr. Atene didn’t make the final cut, unfortunately. But we showcase him here today. Enjoy.
That is all.
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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May 30th, 2007 at 9:43 am
NEW NAME, YES!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:45 am
I might get fired today!
May 30th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Isnt every blog post on this site “optional reading”?
May 30th, 2007 at 9:57 am
thanks for the blog boomhauer. i thought it was pretty funny myself/
May 30th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Another our of the park homerun…..great job
May 30th, 2007 at 10:03 am
The Brian Atene internet saga
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Atene
May 30th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Just for old times sake, Any Patterson or Lucas news????
May 30th, 2007 at 10:08 am
I’ve seen a follow up video with that youtube guy several years later after he was told his acting debut on youtube had a bit of a cult following. Needless to say - he isn’t acting.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
#3 No. What made you think that?
May 30th, 2007 at 10:10 am
The video was all well-and-good, but the commencement address was
absolutely brilliant.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:16 am
as always Tomlin…very funny stuff
May 30th, 2007 at 10:17 am
In the post he explicitly states that there is no recruiting info and that this post is strictly optional reading. It seems to me like everything here is “optional”. Great post though. I thought it was pretty funny.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:20 am
CT … thank goodness robots will never enter the realm of humor and satire! Your lack of compensation is safe forever!
May 30th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Good stuff. And downright funny….
May 30th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Silly fools, I did the smart thing after graduating from college. I invented a bottomless puddle of nickels and invested in robot futures…I think I just said too much.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:29 am
the government will employ psychics to locate people “off the grid”…I have been saying that for years..people will seriously need to take this into consideration.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:33 am
“Then the scientist will probably die saving his daughter…”
I almost hit the floor, great post!
May 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
What the hell was Kubrick thinking, Full Metal Jacket would’ve been golden with Mr. Atene in it.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Do not fear the robots. Dr. Miomir Vukobratovic, through funding from the syndicate, has been working on nanotechnology germane to ending the invasion. He has invented self-replicating nanoids capable of burrowing through chrome. The invading virus forms a network by parasitical mind control….The good doctor has become convinced of his success with recent GLib breakthroughs, but I fear the worst for, as I’ve insisted all along, human skin is more permeable than chrome.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:27 am
that movie is funny as shit, hahahaha
May 30th, 2007 at 11:30 am
The Turkey Hunter is a robot. Please beware and fathers hide your 15 to
50 year old daughters. That is all.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:31 am
All the more reason to get W and his type out of power…
May 30th, 2007 at 11:35 am
herumph!
May 30th, 2007 at 11:42 am
“On your motorcycle, which will be supercool and all souped up with guns and stuff.”
Classic………..great work Tomlin.
May 30th, 2007 at 11:48 am
You guys must see this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOoXFzRzOtk
May 30th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
While I can appreciate the time Tomlin took to write the article, I must ask: what part of it do you all find remotely funny?
May 30th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
the parts that are funny
May 30th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
#26..the fact that it is sarcastic and completely off the subject makes it funny..the fact that it started off as a graduation speech and spilled over into an opportunity to talk about robots and the effect of technology in a futuristic world according to Tomlin and then reverted back to the present day speech given to unsuspecting students..that’s what I find funny..I don’t like fart jokes that much.
May 30th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
^^^ what he said
May 30th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
The part about finding a motorcycle and leading scroungy townspeople to freedom was pretty funny.
May 30th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
In a mutant-infested post-apocolyptic world, that is.
May 30th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Tomlin’s right about the robots. That’s why I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance.
Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you. And they will.
For more information about Old Glory, please watch this informative infomercial: http://youtube.com/watch?v=xVnkd7ot_pw
May 30th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Can science make all women look like supermodels? I mean, without alcohol being involved…
May 30th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Matt, Cobain died in 1994. That’s hardly the “late nineties.”
Also, I didn’t think Kentuckians were into grunge.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
*Ed. note:
Point taken, #34, but the talks of Nirvana carrying on went on into the late nineties. Also, it should be noted that Nirvana’s patented brand of alienation rock was hardly that; the band’s widespread marketing appeal hardly limited it to a discernible locale. Unlike Screaming Trees, which should have never left Seattle.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I am the product of mad science.
May 30th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Tomlin, as saddened as you were to see Cobain go, I’m equally saddened in my graduation year that Nickleback didn’t go, hasn’t gone, and is getting more airtime than ever. What saddens me most about the impending rise of the robots is that the robot dance will become the norm, thus losing all of it’s timeless comedic appeal.
June 1st, 2007 at 10:14 am
Intern, I direct you to this video of Peter Crouch, English Soccer Player who is like near 7′ and goofy looking, doing the robot: http://youtube.com/watch?v=96eSrFlUVh0