The picture on each week’s post is awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Tierra, again. Tierra faked hypothermia in the last episode. (This photo award is becoming to Tierra what the SEC Freshmen of the Week award is to Nerlens Noel. This is 4 straight.)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
We are now to the point in this show where most of the crazy has been weeded out and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to watch. Last week we had to say goodbye to Running Diary super star Tierra. This was tough for us. Nobody said and did crazier things than she Tierra on a week to week basis. But boy did she go out with a bang. She may have lost her sparkle last week, but don’t think for a second that she has gained any control over her facial expressions.
Luke is here once again, and though there is no video this week he will certainly have some things to say.
KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 8)
8:00- Chris Harrison: “The Bachelor two night event starts now…” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
8:04- AshLee is made for this show. She says things that sound so planned and pre-written. As if every moment is her last on TV. She just said “And here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen IN TO love with to my family.” Yes, she said it so slow that “into” became to separate words entirely.
8:05- It’s already time for the “What someone said/What Luke heard” game.
What AshLee said: “I want a man as amazing as my dad.”
What Luke heard: “She wants to make love to her dad?”
8:07- AshLee says about bringing Sean to her house, “I’ve been dreaming about this day since I was 4 or 5 years old.” Why did she dream about bringing her second husband home at such a young age?
8:11- We meet AshLee’s Dad, and I observe that he looks like Mike Ditka.
Luke: “So does her Mom.”
8:16- Sean gets the okay from Mike Ditka to propose to his daughter. This seems reasonable. I mean, they’ve known each other for 7 minutes.
8:17- As Mike Ditka talks about AshLee, Luke says “This is actually really sweet.”
“Yeah, it’s terrible.” -Me
8:18- “Sean makes me feel like I can conquer anything.”-AshLee, as she continues her quest to conquer the challenge to use every cliche ever uttered.
8:22- They just went to that fish place in Seattle. If someone asked me what I knew about Seattle I’d say “They have a big needle, they have the Seahawks, they have a lot of butthurt over the Sonics leaving, my friend Brian goes to school out there, and OH YEAH they have that fish throwing place that is featured on every show ever.” Now I know Catherine lives there.
8:24- Catherine acts like a child, but she did just make a very impressive one handed catch on a slimy fish. As a UK fan, this is the most impressive athletic achievement I’ve seen in over a week.
8:28- Catherine and Sean just chewed gum and stuck it on a wall with a lot of other gum. I don’t know what to say about this, really. I guess this is another thing I just learned about Seattle. There is a wall of chewed gum.
8:30- Catherine’s date is boring, so this seems like a good time to mention that Luke and I came very close to going to a Clint Black concert last night at the Nashville Symphony. How close is very close? We walked up to the box office and inquired about ticket price. That’s how close we came. Tickets were $40 to see Clint Black. I was fully prepared to pay $12. Instead of seeing Clint Black, we went to Taco Bell. Luke got out of the car and hugged the lady working the window. Hindsight is 20/20, and I’m really glad we skipped Clint Black.
8:32- Sean did push ups with Catherine on his back in the living room. This must’ve been in response to someone asking “SOOO, what have you guys been doing the past few weeks?”
8:35- Sean talked to Catherine’s sisters. If I told you Catherine’s sisters were supportive, I would be telling a complete lie. I checked out their left ring fingers, and they aren’t married. I think they’re just jealous of her because she’s young and pretty. Or because their Mom let Catherine get a nose ring and not them.
8:39- I’m not making this up. Luke just asked me if Lesley was still on the show. The same Lesley he watched get sent home last week.
8:42- It’s Wedding dress’ day. She said she’s ready to see Sean in the real world. This makes total sense. Because the real world is totally a place where cameras follow you around as you hold hands and walk around a small military town.
8:45- Sean says “Lindsay brings out the kid in me.”
Me: “He just said the same thing about Catherine.”
Luke: “Maybe he’s got a lot of kids in him.”
8:50- Wedding dress just put Sean through a light workout that, while easy for him, would’ve left me sore for a week. She also said the words “Kiss me harder” out loud on national TV.
8:55- Wedding dress has a father. He is a 2 star general in the army. Basically, he is the 2 Chainz of the military. Or something like that.
9:00- Lindsay’s parents approve of Sean. I miss the old Wedding dress days when she was doing stuff like wearing wedding dresses, getting drunk, and falling down. She is now a Walter McCarty corner 3 point shot away from completing the biggest comeback in the history of comebacks.
9:08- It’s time for Desiree who looks like Katie Holmes date. They went hiking because that’s what she likes to do on a normal Saturday. I wouldn’t even call what they did “hiking,” but who cares?
9:15- A dude comes by and acts like he doesn’t know why the cameras are there. He tells Desiree he loves her. This has to be a joke, right? Desiree was laughing.
9:18- It was a joke. And it was a bad joke. Keanu Reeves thought this guy was a bad actor.
9:20- Sean wins Desiree’s parents over immediately, but the brother Nathan seems like he may be a tougher sell.
9:22- Nathan, talking about the whole show/process, says “I think this is stupid.” This may be true, but in the show’s defense, Nathan has tattoos on his hands.
9:28- Desiree’s brother just used the word reciprocation 4 times and called Sean a playboy. I’ve got to hand it to Nathan the tattooed hand guy. He saw his 15 minutes of fame opportunity and he seized it. My man was ready. He might have cost his sister a lifetime of happiness, but by golly girls are going to know who he is when he walks in the bar this weekend.
9:34- As if Nathan hadn’t gotten enough attention, he also claimed this week’s KSR Bachelor Running Diary Captain Obvious quote of the week:
“I don’t see it ending well for her if he doesn’t choose her.” Groundbreaking stuff, Nate.
9:38- Oh look, it’s Sean with his shirt off. Drink.
Before the first rose can be given, Desiree who looks like Katie Holmes pulls Sean away in a last ditch effort to apologize for her brother. This is last call level desperation.
First rose goes to AshLee, the personal organizer who has two parents that both look like Mike Ditka.
Second rose goes to Wedding dress. Has anyone made a t-shirt for her comeback yet?
And the final rose goes to… no one. Yet. Sean walks away to look at the girls pictures and think. Chris Harrison shows up to tell Sean to take his time and make sure he gets this right. DYNAMITE DROP IN, CHRIS!!
*Commercial* (The Fish McBites commercial is awesome.)
9:54- And, the final rose goes to…… Catherine the vegan who loves the beef and is one of two girls left out of the three that makes Sean feel like a kid.
9:56- Thanks to her brother, Desiree is going home. Girls, you can learn from this. If you ever go on the Bachelor in the future and you have a brother with tattoos on his hands, maybe don’t tell him you are bringing the guy from The Bachelor home. In fact, don’t tell him you’re going on the show at all. If you happen to win, tell your brother you met the guy playing coed flag football. Make up some crazy story about trying to grab his flag but accidentally pulling his pants down. Everyone will laugh and your brother won’t have to premeditate using the word reciprocation multiple times in 30 seconds. Just trust me on this one, girls. Everyone wins.
9:57- Desiree took this news like most girls. Not extremely well: ”I don’t even know what I’m going to do about my life. I took such a risk coming here and hoping for the best. All I want to do is make someone happy. That’s all I want to do.” If that’s what she wants, she might want to cut back on her brother’s involvement in her life.
9:59- As I see how frustrated and angry Desiree is, I begin having second thoughts about “The Rebounder.” I think Desiree would kill anyone who touched or talked to her right now with her bare hands.
Tomorrow night is a special “Bachelor Tells All,” in which Sean won’t tell all. He’ll tell some and say things they want him to say. I won’t be writing about it. In fact, I’m not sure I’ll even watch it. If I do I’ll tweet about it. You can follow me for my thoughts.
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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