(The picture on each week’s post will be awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Tierra, who may or may not have fallen down the steps last week.)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
Today was a big day for me. I started a new job. Besides that, though, I was filled with excitement because I knew that girls that hate each other and most likely suck at skating would be playing Roller Derby tonight on national television. There is no way this will end well, right? Stay tuned, we’re about to find out.
KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3): The Roller Derby that Never Was
8:02- The show opens with Sean shirtless. Drink. And somebody put some pants on that kid.
8:03- It’s Selma time, y’all. Not sure what Sean’s been waiting on. Selma’s excited too. “I want to take it to the next level and the next level. And then babies.” Pretty normal thing to say if you ask me.
8:04- Cut to one on one interview with Leslie the poker dealer. She is crying. No one has cried more than Leslie the poker dealer.
8:05- “I’ve had a connection to Selma since night one.”- Sean. Thanks, captain obvious. Other Sean quotes (probably):
“Lebron is good at basketball.”
“2 + 2= 4″
“Billy Gillispie treats his players poorly.”
8:06- People wonder why The Bachelor relationships never work out. I’ll tell you why. First of all, it’s two complete strangers getting to know each other on national TV. Secondly, the dates they go on in The Bachelor would NEVER happen in real life. The girls fall in love with the extravagant things. Not the guy. Sean and Selma just got on a private plane to go on their date. That won’t happen again ever.
8:07- Right on cue, Selma says “This exceeds my expectations. I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect date.”
8:11- Selma states “I do not do well in heat. I feel puffy.” Selma IS a bit puffy, I must say. Mostly on the upper half of the front of her body.
8:12- Sean and Selma approach a giant rock to climb it. Luckily, there were helmets and climbing gear sitting there. The helmets even had cameras. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!
8:21- You guys know I love Selma. I’ve made that perfectly clear. But she just said she couldn’t kiss Sean on television because her Mom would get mad. Guys, if a girl ever tells you she can’t kiss you because her Mom is going to get mad you RUN. RUN RUN RUN. Don’t turn around. It will get worse.
8:24- All that being said, if Selma doesn’t win and needs to get an arranged marriage someday HOLLER AT YOUR BOY.
8:27- Roller Derby is coming up after the break. If you told me I had to choose between watching this Roller Derby segment or the Super Bowl, I’ll just have to hear about how many times Ray Lewis cried next Monday morning.
8:32- AshLee says “I don’t do anything adventurous.” Since when is organizing a closet not adventurous? It has to be described in some way other than “career.”
8:34- Girls are falling and they haven’t even started yet. They can’t even STAND on skates, much less skate on them. This is going to be great.
8:35- “I don’t have great balance. In moments like these I just want to be normal. I just want to show everyone I can be strong.”-Sarah as she sits on the side and cries.
8:38- Upon arrival Amanda convinced the other girls that she had participated in roller derby before. Shortly thereafter, she fell and hit her chin on the ground. Out of all the things that should hit the ground when you fall skating, your chin should be the last. ESPECIALLY if you’re an “experienced skater.” As Amanda holds her chin, Sean said “Where does it hurt?” I’m not a doctor, but I’d assume it hurts on her chin.
8:43- Upon the return from commercial, Sean delivers the biggest disappointment of 2013. Due to the girls’ inability to stand up on skates and Amanda breaking her fall with her chin, Sean announces that the Roller Derby is off. They are going to free skate? WHAT?? This is not a 3rd grade birthday party. I traded watching the Super Bowl for this. NO NO NO!!
8:46- So, Tierra is going to go crazy. Consider me excited but not surprised.
8:53- When the last date card is being opened, Daniella says “I have a feeling something big is planned for me.”
8:54- If Daniella would have said “Leslie” instead of “me”, she would have been totally right, you guys.
8:56- Tierra is losing it. She is “trying to leave.” Kind of like she “fell down the stairs.”
8:57- Tierra uses the word “torture” approximately 8 times in 2 minutes. I don’t think she understands the meaning of that word. The Bachelor isn’t exactly water boarding.
9:01- The best part about Tierra freaking out was she caught Sean as he was on his way to the hot tub with Wedding dress. They never made it to the hot tub, so Wedding dress is hanging out with the other girls (who are in dresses) in her bikini.
9:02- Tierra got a rose because she threatened to leave. And because she smuggles midgets.
9:06- Leslie the poker dealer gets diamond earrings before her date with Sean and asks out loud to no one in particular “Who gets diamond earrings on their first date?” The answer is no one. No one gets diamond earrings on their first date.
9:11- Leslie and Sean go shopping and it’s boring. Most shopping is. Then she gets a 120 carat diamond necklace. I asked a couple of girls how much that would cost. They said over 20 million. I’m going to say they are renting this necklace.
9:12- Leslie said “I’ve never been treated this well in my whole life.” I find that hard to believe. After all, she’s a poker dealer.
9:13- I didn’t hear all of what Leslie the poker dealer said next, but I think it was something to the effect of “When I look at Sean I see my future husband because he has put diamonds all over my body.”
9:19- These one on one dates are unbearable. I feel like I need water wings to survive these conversations.
9:23- Leslie doesn’t get the rose, but she did get to keep those diamond earrings. Now, every time she wears them she can think back on that time she got rejected on national TV!
9:24- After Sean sends Leslie home, one of the most awkward television scenes ever occurs. A concert is played to Sean by two dudes. Just Sean. And a rose. Not weird at all. Nothing to see here. Move along.
9:31- Sean sincerely said these words: “I want them to get to know every part of me and I want to get to know every part of them.” Let’s move on so I don’t get fired.
9:35- Now, words to live by from Tierra: “I’m not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head.”
9:36- After avoiding the hammer, Tierra decides to “apologize” to Robyn and Jackie. If you haven’t noticed, I put all of Tierra’s actions in quotation marks. Why? Because what she says she’s doing is never what she is actually doing. She “fell down the stairs” and “tried to leave,” and now she just “apologized” to the girls by blaming them for mistreating her. Somehow, they accepted and appreciated her apology that wasn’t an apology. Tierra is secretly brilliant. She may run the world someday.
9:46- Let me sum up the time Catherine the vegan who loves the beef and Sean spend together…
Sean- “I really like you.” *giggle*
Catherine- “I really like you.” *giggle*
Sean- “I really like you.” *giggle*
Catherine- “I really like you.” *giggle*
9:47- “Im smart, im ahead of everybody. I get what I want in life. I’m not going to let any girl stop me.” Easy to say when you are holding a rose.
ROSE CEREMONY Wrap-Up
9:56- Everyone gets a rose except for Amanda. Between the skating outing and failing to receive a rose, I’d say it’s fair to say she really took it on the chin tonight…
The Bachelor is back next week with two episodes. We will be back with the KSR Bachelor Running Diary next Wednesday morning to sum up the two episodes. In the previews for next week it appears that Tierra may freeze to death. That could be fun.
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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