Hello, friends. You look well. Cold enough for ya? Hahaha. Just kidding. That’s something I like to say when it’s really cold. I think we can both agree that’s a hilarious joke, because it’s probably cold enough for you.
Ah, LSU. Those stalwarts of the SEC. Under new coach and kindly grandfather-type Johnny Jones, the Bayou Bengals hope to forget the goofball jamboree that was basketball under Trent Johnson and get back to some semblance of a tradition. We wish them all the best (we do not wish them all the best). Since we’re taking on the Fightin’ Tigers of Baton Rouge tomorrow, we thought it might be fun to dig up some info on the school itself to give them a proper ribbing today — after all, it’s very important that we vehemently despise each and every one of our opponents in order to keep our fan base strong and true, right? Here then, with the help of some of LSU’s very own university photographs, we present to you the Instant Hate Day post for Louisiana State University. Go get ‘em, folks, and I’ll see you here again next week. As always, have a smashing weekend. I just know that you will.
Welcome to Louisiana State University! We hope you’ll find your new home here a splendid diversion of fun and scholarship for the next four years (two to three years if you get pregnant). As you can see, the campus is a beautiful work of architectural magnificence. Also, there are a confirmed forty-five alligators hiding in this picture ready to attack and drag you to the bottom of a pond or lake. See if you can find all forty-five!
During move-in day, you may be pleasantly surprised to find that many of the LSU men’s basketball team members are on hand to help you transport your belongings from your automobiles to your new dorm room. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help. Last year they only dropped thirteen televisions and damaged five couches by missing the door.
Once you’re moved in, start living it up! If you’re a male, you may find an attractive but skeptical-looking co-ed to woo with your invented stories of how cool you were in high school. If you’re a female, you may find yourself the target of an army of cargo shorted suitors. Or you may get no attention as you sit lonely on another bench and study. Don’t look so sad, Margaret, you still have four years to go!
Maybe you’ll just want to unwind and relax in one of the many open-air grassy areas spread out among the LSU campus. If you probably smell, there’s plenty of room to practice your Ray LaMontagne tunes without bothering anyone around you. Please, note, however, that the Whole Foods closest to campus does not allow dogs.
Fun and games indeed! Every year during LSU’s Fall Festival students gather around by the hundreds to watch incredible talent from the student body. Here you see the LSU dance team wowing the crowds. Amazing!
If you’re the athletic sort, there’s always a group or club to join at LSU! Above you see the members of LSU’s popular Harry Potter-inspired “quidditch” team. Last year they were ranked 4th in the NCAA and 1,284th in talking to girls. Slow down, guys, or I’m going to use an Impedimenta spell on you! Just kidding. That doesn’t exist. Just like Quidditch. Also, don’t come into this team too cocky or Gallus Kingsleywick (second from center) will knock you down a peg. He’s the bad boy of LSU Quidditch!
At LSU, the campus is always growing and expanding. Here you see that construction has already begun on the new dorm Felding Hall. Looks like it’s off to a great start!
LSU prides itself on instilling a creative and inventive spirit in its students. After all, problem solving is one of life’s most important skills! Just look how these students figured out a way to get into class when the doors were locked one Saturday. You can’t stop LSU students from learning!
What a character! You’re going to love student body ambassador Rob Stevens’ impressive hand jiving skills — and his policies on dorm room hot plate regulation even more! Get ready to laugh and laugh. Good times all around, right guys? (Use of hot plates must be approved by appropriate dorm administrators.)
E=MC-Awesome! The math team at LSU is never at a loss for words. Or numbers! While away the hours solving complex math problems or just join to enjoy the math team’s resident song parodist “Weird Lawrence” Broduski’s comical take on current pop hits of the day (be sure to request “Circumscribe Me Maybe” — it’s a hoot!)
Please stay away from the Theater Department. They’re real weirdos.
We realize it can be hard living away from home for the first time, so LSU has devised a way to make things more comfortable. Each of your classes will feature a communal grandmother who will tell you you’re handsome and bring you cookies. Feel right at home!
Louisiana State University offers a Chemistry major with sub-focuses including biological chemistry, environmental studies, materials and polymers and chemical physics. Students with honors are eligible to hold the T-Pain fathead.
We know you’re going to love your new life here at LSU! Welcome, new Tigers! If you are attacked by an alligator, remember to attack the alligator’s eyes, nostrils or palatal valve. See you around campus!
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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