(The picture on each week’s post will be awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Amanda, who ignored two questions asked to her at point blank range.)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
Bankers, teachers, and government workers might have had the day off yesterday, but The Bachelor did not. Except for Ashlee the professional organizer. She has everyday off. Her job isn’t real. If you watched last night, you were in for a treat. Let’s get to the action.
KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 3)
8:00- In the previews, we learn that the girls are going to compete in a volleyball game during this episode and Tierra is going to fall down the stairs. While watching these girls play volleyball in bikinis sounds awesome, I’m way more excited about the latter.
8:01- Sean said he’s “digging a lot of women.” It’s weird that he said that, except that it’s not really that weird at all. He is a humongous dork.
8:03- “I wish I could tell Sean let’s ditch these b****** and fall in love.” Robin uses the first profanity of the evening, because if there’s anything that will turn conservative Sean on it’s cursing on national television.
8:05- We just found out Sean’s Dad holds a Guiness World Record for driving through the 48 states of the mainland in the least amount of time. He did it in just over 97 hours. Of course he did. I have a lot of questions about this, but the main one is “WHY?”
8:06- Sean and Lesley are on a date.
They ABC decides they are going to break a Guiness World Record for “longest on screen kiss.” ABC thought “What is the easiest possible thing we could have them do? How about they keep their lips together until we tell them to stop? Yeah, that’ll work.” If I’m being honest, I’d try to break this record with Lesley, too. I’d be willing to count to 1,000 but then I’d probably have to stop.
8:11- Never mind about the 1,000 thing. The current world record is 3 minutes and 15 seconds. That’s 195 seconds. Or 13 Rick Pitino love making sessions.
8:12-8:15- Just like you wouldn’t want to watch Rick Pitino make love 13 times, you wouldn’t want to watch two people awkwardly kiss for over 195 seconds, either. ABC took this into consideration, right? They didn’t show the entire thing, right? WRONG. ABC showed THE ENTIRE thing. It wasn’t awkward to watch at all.
*Commercial and boring date stuff*
8:26- “I’m glad I’m not on the group date because it’s probably some sort of activity” is the laziest thing you could say and exactly what just came out of Ashlee’s mouth. Of course, how can you expect someone who calls “organizing” her profession to be excited about anything?
8:29- Lesley and Sean’s date was extremely boring because Lesley never says crazy things. I wouldn’t even mention the rest of their date at all but CONFETTI WAS FALLING ON THEM at the end of the date!! Who was dropping the confetti? Had the person been there the whole time? Where were they? Were they on a ladder? Who held the ladder? WHO CUT UP ALL THAT CONFETTI?!? Did the same person who was on the ladder dropping the confetti have to cut it up too? That’s a ton of confetti work for two seconds of confetti air time!!
8:35- Chris Harrison (drink) is choosing teams for a sand volleyball game. The winning team gets to move on to the next part of the date. The losing team goes back to the house. There are going to be tears. Trust me.
8:36- Taryn just said “This is the biggest game I’ll ever play in.” What she really means is “I’m not into sports.”
8:38- This volleyball game is like a pillow fight. In fact, I wish it was a pillow fight.
8:39- The blue team won and I guess confetti person must’ve had the day off.
8:40- Girls on the losing team are crying. I told you this would happen. You haven’t suffered a heartbreaking athletic defeat until you’ve lost a volleyball match on The Bachelor. I’ve been saying that for years.
8:46- Wedding dress tells Sean “When I fall in love I fall head over heels and I give everything to that person.” Except 8:00-2:45 Monday-Friday. Because she’s busy with her substitute teaching career.
8:53- Kacie just did the thing that a girl does every season on The Bachelor. She tells Sean that there is drama between two girls and immediately follows it with “I’m not a drama person.” However, she still has those legs. I’m not ruling her out yet.
8:55- “I want you to act like Kacie. Not like a crazy person.”-Sean
8:55- “I want you to act like a crazy person. Not like Kacie.” -Me
8:56- Wedding dress gets the group date rose! Early security for #TeamCrazy.
9:03- Tierra just “FELL DOWN THE STAIRS,” but we didn’t see her fall down the stairs.
Questions that immediately come to mind:
Did she sign a waiver? Did she really fall down the stairs? Was anyone, including Tierra, truly concerned?
9:05- Tierra answers the last two questions by saying “I don’t want to go there (the hospital). Let me out of here (the neck brace)”, standing up, and walking outside.
9:07- I don’t know what just happened, but I know she did not fall down those steps. Ten minutes after she “fell” she is smiling and laughing with Sean on the porch. Even Manti Te’o thinks something is fishy.
9:12-20- They shut down an entire theme park for Sean and Ashlee’s one on one date. They invited two chronically ill girls who are friends but had never met to join them on their date. The day consisted of them hanging out riding rides, taking old timey pictures, and ended in a private concert from the Eli Young Band. My allergies kicked up pretty bad at the end of this segment. Had to leave the room. Not sure how everything ended.
9:25- Ashlee just said “I dont want to overwhelm him right out the bat.” Obviously she misspoke. What she meant to say was “I’m going to tell him everything about me and make him cry.”
9:29- As their conversation is dying down, Eli Young Band appears once again out of nowhere. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? Do they have a secret word or phrase they’re waiting for Sean to say? Is there a safe word that makes them go away? Isn’t it weird for them to play a concert to two people who aren’t paying attention? Who is Eli Young pointing to in the sky? Is he alerting the confetti person that it’s time? THESE ARE QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS!
9:30- The date ends and there is no confetti. Did the confetti person get fired? Did they fall off the ladder earlier? All dates should end in confetti.
9:36- Selma didn’t get a date this week. That’s the joke.
9:37- Sean brought Sarah’s dog to visit because she didn’t get a date this week. It made her very happy. I think he just wanted to make sure how he could occupy her next time he wants to go zip lining.
9:39- Beyond fake falling down stairs and being named after a head decoration, what I love most about Tierra is when she says things like this: “I deserve way more. Inside I want to punch some walls.” Because I truly believe there is a legitimate chance that she will assault a wall.
9:42- More profanity, this time the F bomb from Kristy the model. “Everyone is chasing after him like a f****** hyena.” Stay classy.
9:50- Sean opens the rose ceremony with this quote: “Each passing day I’m reminded that I’m surrounded by beautiful accomplished women” , a personal organizer, a substitute teacher, and a poker dealer.
Rose 1- Tierra!!!
Rose 2- Leslie H. the poker dealer.
Rose 3- Catherine the vegan who like the beef.
Rose 4- Daniella the dirty looking one.
Rose 5- Robyn the potty mouth.
Rose 6- Selma. Duh.
Rose 7- Sarah
Rose 8- Jackie who after 3 episodes I don’t know one thing about.
Rose 9- Amanda!! Clean sweep for team crazy!
Final Rose- Desiree the pool straddler.
9:58-Kristy the model & Taryn are headed home. Here’s what Kristy had to say, word for word: ”I wish I would have fell in love here. I hope my chance for love will come someday.” You ARE A MODEL, Kristy. Someone will love you. At least for a little while. I promise.
In the previews for next week, we see that they will be playing roller derby. Two of these girls (Wedding dress & Tierra) have already “fallen” to the ground in regular shoes this season.
What could go wrong for them on skates? Will there be more confetti? In the comments section, let me know what you think about these pressing issues. Also, feel free to let us know how you’re enjoying this new Bachelor feature. We haven’t really gotten as much feedback as we’d like the first two weeks. If you like it we’ll definitely keep it going.
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