(The picture on each week’s post will be awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week was a no contest. It’s 50 Shades of Grey girl.)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
If you’re not excited about this week’s show after what we saw last week, I would question your ability to achieve excitement. We saw failed gymnastics, air grinding, a drunk girl in a wedding dress, and a jumbotron operator fail to find love on national television for a third time. As a society we’ve always been told that the third time is the charm. Paige would disagree. Then she would turn back around and continue operating her jumobotron.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wandered over to ABC.com to see what would be going on tonight. I’m very happy to report there is a photo shoot date planned. As with any date between one man and more than one woman, what could possibly go wrong? I, for one, can’t wait to find out. Put your drinks in the air. Cheers! It’s time for The Bachelor.
KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 2)
8:02- The previews are rolling, and Tierra the head decor says “I wanted to punch her.” All right. Let’s get this party started.
8:03- Sean is shirtless. Drink. Sean says a dorky cliche. Don’t drink, and be thankful that isn’t in the rules.
8:04- Chris Harrison, DRINK. Sarah wins the first one on one date, then draws attention to her arm. Or rather her lack thereof.
8:05- A helicopter arrives to pick them up for their date. Did it pick them up on a helicopter pad or in an open field? Absolutely not. It picked them up right in the driveway. In between all the trees. This cannot be safe. This is the kind of stuff I think about when I watch The Bachelor.
8:06- In a private interview, Sarah drops this gem of wisdom. “My ability to love someone is not affected by the fact that I have one arm.” Truer words have never been spoken. I’ve never loved anyone with my left forearm.
8:11- They are about to free fall 300 feet. That’s about 292 feet more than I’m okay with falling.
8:12- For me, Sarah is the worst person he could have taken on this date. She says a lot of sane, reasonable things.
8:13- As they prepare to jump, my hands are sweating. I’m scared of heights. This makes me more uncomfortable than just about anything. Being in an Italian restaurant with Rick Pitino after hours would be first. Heights are second.
8:14- Well, they just fell. And I assume creative editing by ABC cut out the part where they both had to change pants.
8:17- Before the free fall, I tweeted that my hands were sweating. A KSR writer that will remain unnamed responded, “Her’s arent.” Move along. Nothing to see here.
8:20-8:22 As Sarah and Sean talk, I decide to eat some goldfish. I like goldfish a lot. Eating goldfish is much more fulfilling to me than listening to them talk. She said something about trying to go zip-lining in Vegas and them not letting her at the last minute because Nevada state laws prevent people with disabilities from zip lining. While on the surface this makes some sense to me, I have thoughts:
1. What lawmaker thinks: “You know what we need to outlaw? Disabled zip lining. If we can get that under control, we’ll have this state on track.”
2. Nevada is a state in which the following things are legal: gambling and selling your body for sex. But DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT ZIP LINING IF YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL AILMENT. This is non negotiable. You’ve got irritable bowels? You may not ride this zip line.
8:23- For someone who doesn’t want focus placed on the fact she only has one arm, Sarah talks about the fact she only has one arm a lot.
8:23- The next date is announced. Tierra not thrilled about the group date. “I didn’t come here to meet friends.” Tierra, I’m not here to watch you make friends, either. It goes without saying that I’m really excited about Tierra. But I’ll say it anyway. I’m really excited about Tierra.
8:24- Sarah gets a rose. Then they started kissing. I’m not sure how long the kiss lasted, but I’m assuming not incredibly long. Why do I assume this? KSR’s #1 Bachelor fan Matt Jones tweeted that “they kissed like they were at a 7th grade church picnic.” I’ve gotten to know Matt a little bit in the past year, and I must say I had no idea he went to so many 7th grade church picnics.
8:31- 13 girls are on one date. What could go wrong? Hopefully everything. They are on a photo shoot to see who has the best chemistry with Sean. Chemistry is completely subjective, and the winner (chosen by some woman) gets on the cover of something.
8:34- The “first person accused of being different around Sean” award goes to Tierra. Congratulations, Tierra. Your mother and I are proud and love you very much.
8:35- Lesley kisses Sean in front of the other 12 girls. On a scale of “1″ to “well”, I’d say the girls took this “not well at all.”
8:36- The model, Kristy, talks about being a model. Seems to be a recurring theme with models on this show. (See: Courtney)
8:38- Kristy the model just did work in the photo chemistry contest. She is a professional. This was like a bunch of guys who played high school basketball having a NBA triple double contest with Rajon Rondo. She won the 3 book cover deal, and while I don’t really care about that I do have to acknowledge the greatness displayed. She was “Tiger Woods in 2000″ and “Alabama football” great. Those girls got processed.
8:39- Tierra isn’t making a list of things she is not here to do. Lucky for you, I am. Here is a short list of “Things Tierra has made known she is not here to do”:
1. Play dress up.
2. Make friends.
I have a good feeling this list could grow.
8:42- I’ve seen a limited amount of The Bachelor over the years, but I feel like it is the same every season. It’s the same characters played by girls with different names and different jobs that aren’t actually jobs.
8:43- After the photo shoot, Sean said they were going to have a pool party. The eyes of all 4 guys watching are locked onto the screen. Then everyone arrives at the pool fully dressed. This is not what I had in mind when he said “pool party.” I thought I was going to get to see Selma in a bathing suit. This is the biggest disappointment of 2013.
8:47- “They’re gonna have a makeout session right now. Yep, they are making out right now.” This is Lesley-Sean make out play by play by Daniella. At least she knows what’s going on. That’s more than Bobby Knight can say.
8:50- This episode is lacking in ridiculous. My biggest fear is that the girls learned a lesson from the girls who got smashed on the first episode.
8:53- As soon as I question the genius of The Bachelor, Catherine totally redeems the episode with the quote of the night: “I’m vegan but I love the beef!” HERE WE GO.
8:56- “I’ve never pursued a guy who was also being pursued by 25 other girls.” I don’t know who said this, but that’s kind of what happens on this show. It’s not a new development.
9:00- Katie decides The Bachelor life is not for her. She tells Sean, “This is not the right setting. I feel like I need to go home.” She seems drunk and looks like she got electrocuted.
9:02- Kacie’s legs are given the group date rose. Predictably, Tierra handles it with grace: “I wanted to punch her.”
9:06- Oh look, it’s Chris Harrison. He’s performing the easiest job in the world. Drink.
9:09- Sean to some girl who is devouring every word: “When we are 80 our looks will fade. I want a girl with a sense of humor.” That seems like a lofty goal. When I’m 80, I want to be breathing and have control of my bowels. That’s it. Be living and choose when I use the bathroom.
9:11-9:14- This “prank” is an insult to every prank ever pranked. They are so giddy about something so stupid. She couldn’t have cared less about that piece of art breaking and Sean acted like he had really gotten her. Also, these actors are terrible. I guess that’s why they were available for a Bachelor art show prank.
9:20- Sean made steak and veggies for their dinner. I’m unimpressed. I can make veggies. I made macaroni and cheese in my microwave earlier.
9:23- Desiree and Sean give one another their thoughts about love and marriage. When I think about love and marriage, I think about “Married with Children,” which is a good example of neither love nor marriage.
9:25- Desiree is now straddling Sean in the pool and making out with him. We don’t have to talk about what’s happens during a pool straddling, right? We’re all adults here.
9:27- Wedding dress needs a huge finish. I haven’t seen her in this episode. If a girl wears a wedding dress and gets drunk on the first episode, that’s a girl I’m interested in keeping on the show.
9:31- Wedding Dress: “Last time I saw him I was wearing a wedding dress and I wasn’t exactly being myself.” Really? You don’t usually wear a wedding dress and kiss guys against their will on national television? Could have fooled me.
9:34- Wedding dress closes well. Strong effort. Looks like she may hang in there.
9:35- “There is one dark cloud in the room.” One of the girls who is not Amanda talking about Amanda.
9:37- Amanda, sitting no more than 10 feet away from 2 other girls, doesn’t respond to TWO questions in which she was directly addressed. It was the most blatant disregard for personal decency I’ve ever witnessed. It could’ve been editing, it could’ve been awesome.
9:42- Robyn asks Sean if it matters to him that she is black. That’s one way to say it, I guess. Sean’s then pulls out his “Politically Correct Answer Book” and answers the question.
9:44- ”She’s not here for the right reasons” has been called. Drink.
9:45- ”She’s a completely different person around Sean.” Drink.
9:46- Another “she’s not here for the right reasons.” Tough sequence for drinking game participants. Three drinks in three minutes.
9:49-9:57 Huge rose ceremony coming up. Don’t really have any interest in it other than we need more normal girls to go home than crazy girls. The KSR Bachelor Running Diary really needs to keep Tierra, Amanda, & Wedding dress. Here’s how the roses fell.
Rose 1 goes to Ashlee that doesn’t have a real job.
Rose 2 goes to WEDDING DRESS!!! 1 for 3.
Rose 3 goes to Robyn. *Yawn*
Rose 4 goes to Jackie. I’ve watched two episodes and didn’t know she existed.
Rose 5 goes to Lesley M. Really need Tierra and Amanda to pull out 2 of the last 8.
Rose 6 goes to Selma. Duh.
Rose 7 goes to Catherine the vegan who likes the beef.
Rose 8 goes to Kristy the model who talks about being a model.
Rose 9 goes to Leslie H. the poker dealer. Down to four roses. Crazies still need two.
Rose 10 goes to TIERRA!!! 2 for 3.
Rose 11 goes to Taryn. In two episodes I’ve seen Taryn talk to Sean one time. This strategy is paying off.
Rose 12 goes to Daniella. I like this. She’s talked some minor trash in interviews and may have some closet crazy.
The Final Rose goes to AMANDA!!! 3 for 3. A clean sweep for #TeamCrazy. This was the greatest rose ceremony we could’ve hoped for.
9:58- In the previews for next week, it appears that Tierra will fall down the steps and blame it on someone else. I’m a terrible person because I can’t wait for this.
9:59- I’m not completely sure what just happened in the out takes, but the girls were talking about greek mythology and it was pretty apparent they didn’t know anyhting about greek mythology. I don’t either, but I’m not the one talking about it on national television.
No one air grinded, asked to tie Sean up, fell in a doorway, or apologized to their mother tonight (what I call “hitting for The Bachelor cycle”) because the girl who did ALL OF THOSE THINGS wasn’t given a rose last week.
In summary, the girls all think any girl not named their specific name is there for the wrong reason. Chris Harrison’s job is still awesome. Bachelor pranks aren’t funny. Sean thinks his wife is still in the room. He expects them to both be alive when they are 80.
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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