Hello, friends. You look well. Enjoying the summer so far? I notice you’ve going for the shirtless thing. You know, if you go into Kroger you’re going to have to put it back on. I’m just saying. Don’t want you to run afoul of Kroger Law. What? You ate three hot dogs? That’s impressive. Sure, I can let you go. Yes, I noticed it’s your turn on the slip n’ slide. Didn’t mean to keep you.
You may recall that a couple of weeks ago in this very spot we wrote about Coach John Calipari’s search to create “experiences, not games” for his players and the Big Blue Nation. He’s big on experiences. Which is why it’s no surprise that UK announced this week a very literal experience called, appropriately, “The John Calipari Experience.” For a fee, you yourself can feel exactly what it’s like to be a player on the Wildcat team, from exclusive time spent in the new Wildcat Lodge to one-on-ones with the coaches and staff and a crowning night of playing on-court with all the fanfare before a cheering crowd at Rupp Arena. As further details come in on The John Calipari Experience, KSR continues to fill you in on what you might expect from the four-day event. Reserve your spot today!
The Four-Day Event (September 13-16) will include but is not limited to the following:
-Once all appropriate paperwork has been filed and necessary information provided, Coach Calipari will show up unannounced at your place of business to watch you work and take notes. These notes will be shared with the staff of the John Calipari Experience on a dry-erase board as the coaches discuss your various attributes and skills sets.
-Assistant coach Orlando Antigua will come to your home for dinner to talk with your family about why you’re right for the John Calipari Experience and to help convince your elderly parents that you will enjoy the John Calipari Experience fantasy camp much more than Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s Duke Fantasy Basketball Camp, extolling the virtues of UK’s campus over other competing fantasy camp locales.
-A union-certified theatrical professional will be hired to portray your high school basketball coach, who has his own ideas about where you should attend fantasy camp. Don’t listen to him! Remember, this is your choice even though he will be very persuasive.
-You will receive a starred ranking on a fictional fantasy camp recruitment website to chart your progress against your fellow attendees.
-Once you make your “official decision” of the John Calipari Experience, an awkward hat will be provided for you to wear and a Twitter account for you to receive encouragement from your “fans” (theatrical professionals).
-You will be personally contacted by phone or email Canadian hip-hop superstar Drake congratulating you on your choice of the John Calipari Experience.
-Herald-Leader sports writer Jerry Tipton will personally delve into your home life to see if “there’s a story there.”
-An Orange Leaf all-you-can-eat yogurt bar (add your own toppings!) will be held each night from 6:00-7:00 pm. Don’t miss it!
-You will receive a complimentary nickname from the collective Big Blue Nation based solely on your appearance (i.e., “Knee-brace,” “Comb-Over,” or “Sweaty.”)
-During a designated scheduled time, John Robic will pull you aside for an encouraging talk and tell you to keep your head in the game.
-Former Head Coach Bobby Knight will “refuse” to acknowledge you.
-You will, at least once during your four-day visit, be guaranteed a reference by college sports bloggers to be “a BEAST.”
-Based on your performance, upon completion of this game you will be given either a 50%-off discount coupon to the New Orleans Hornets Basketball Camp. or a minor sponsorship-appearance deal with a local auto dealer. It’s up to you! Make your future!
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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