Hello, friends. I hope you’re all feeling well today. Did that fish last night sit well with you? Me neither. I was up all night. We have to remember not to go back to that fish place. It’s weird, you know? Usually that place is pretty good. It must be under new management or something.
As you all know, our beloved leader John Calipari made some big news this week on the front of future scheduling, telling reporters that UK is no longer a traditional program and that he hopes to schedule “experiences, not just games.” He went on to add that he hopes to create “events that grandfathers and grandsons will be talking about 25 years from now.” I think we can all agree that 25 years from now is a long time, and a lot can happen between now and then. It’s wonderful that an nonntraditional program like Kentucky has such a progressive and forward-thinking coach to prepare us for these experiences to come, and with which we can talk with our own grandchildren. If you may be wondering what some of these “experiences” we’ll be talking about with our young generations of the future, you need to look no further than the piece below — which I have on good authority is completely accurate and rooted in current plans — and which we’ll fittingly call John Calipari’s Experiences, Not Just Games. Or don’t. It’s a free country. Until next week, comrades, have a great weekend.
Cowboys Stadium Experience (projected 2013)
What It Prepares For: Playing in the Arena at Which a Final Four Will Be Held
Description: Hoping to break the record for attendance at a basketball game, Calipari has plans to take the team to Arlington, Texas to play out-of-conference with the mighty Baylor Bears. While this may sound on the surface like a an event to wheedle UK into the Guinness Book of World Records, it’s a smarter move than that, as the venue has already been tapped to host the Final Four in 2014, allowing the Wildcats to get some playing time on the court in advance of inevitably winning Championship number 10 in two years.
Cal’s thoughts: “It is important that we play in at least one, if not two, football stadiums every year to prepare our players for NCAA Tournament venues…The NCAA Tournament plays half its regional games and the entire Final Four in those venues. Who do you think will be in those domes and Stadiums? It will be us.”
The Duke Rivalry Experience (neutral courts, still in talks)
What It Prepares For: Playing a Top-Notch Program in Top-Notch Facilities
Description: Calipari told the media this week that he is currently in talks with Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski to start a multi-year series of games against Duke which will occur annually at neutral sites which are considered to be the “top arenas around the nation.” These would undoubtedly include the most state-of-the-art and impressive venues and garner great national attention from the ongoing rivalry and the pomp and circumstance surrounding these games.
Cal’s thoughts: “The games would take place on the same weekend every year and be THE GAME to watch.”
The Differing-Gravity Basketball Experience (2015)
What It Prepares For: Playing Basketball in Space
Description: With each individual player hooked to an elaborate and maneuverable system of bungee cords attached to the rafters of Rupp Arena, the Wildcats’ schedule in 2015 will feature one pre-conference play game against Wright State University wherein the play will be drastically affected by the feeling of a weight shift not yet seen in our own Earth’s gravity but which mimics the experience of one day playing basketball on the moon or another planet with a differing environment. Some of the nation’s top engineers are currently at work devising this methods by which this game will logistically be played.
Cal’s thoughts: “Look, technology and scientific discovery is progressing at a pace I don’t think any of us could have foreseen. None of us can predict the future, but there’s always the very real chance that within three years we’ll all be living, working and going to college in space. I would be remiss as a coach if I didn’t prepare our players for that possibility and put them on the cutting-edge of playing in these exciting developments in space exploration.”
The Human Experience (2016-17)
What It Prepares For: The Sobering and Cathartic Realization of Human Life and Its Never-Ending Cycle
Description: In what is sure to be one of the most eye-opening exhibition games of Kentucky’s scheduling future, the All-Ages game will open with the Wildcats playing a group of young children. Halfway through the first half, these children will be substituted out with high-school age students. The first ten minutes of the second half will feature the UK squad taking on a group of healthy middle-aged men, and the final minutes of the All-Ages game will feature a team of the elderly.
Cal’s Thoughts: “Humanity is a fragile thing. It’s important to remember that we are all born into a new world of new experiences and as we progress through life we learn valuable life lessons and face our own mortalities. I want these kids to realize that the aging process is an inescapable and universal truth and that it must be held in the strictest reverence. It’s also important to know how to score on and defend against both babies and older men, just in case the NCAA regulations ever change.”
The Volcano Experience (2018)
What It Prepares For: Surviving a Post-Apocalyptic Future
Description: Only occurring in 2018 because of safety issues and after being fully scouted by a team of geologists, The Wildcats will play High Point in the living though dormant crater of an active volcano in Washington State. This will be a physically grueling game due to volcanic pockets which may be emitting various degrees of heat at any given time and the constant fear of eruption will be a factor as well (though not likely).
Cal’s thoughts: “Hey, this is a crazy world, you know? In the case of a nuclear winter, we as a society will be forced to seek out geothermal heat wherever it’s available, and we’ll need to convene in places like active volcanoes, with their high walls, to create makeshift fortresses against the roving packs of marauders who will want to steal our food. I’m not going to see our kids ill-prepared for that kind of lifestyle. UK, as we all know, will STILL be playing basketball, no matter what natural disaster or wartime emergency occurs. This I can promise you.”
The Richard Petty Driving Experience (2013)
What It Prepares For: Driving Race Cars
Description: In 2013, the team will travel together down to Orlando, Florida, where they will collectively take part in a simulated racing experience which teaches the ins-and-outs of driving a real race car on a real track. At the end of the day, once each has completed the course, everyone will receive a free hat bearing the organization’s logo and a piece of paper stating they have completed the Richard Petty Driving Experience. A complimentary lunch is included in the price and will be served at a designated break.
Cal’s thoughts: “It is absolutely crucial that these young players learn how to drive race cars. Not everyone is going to make it in the NBA.”
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Bill Keightley Report : Never to be forgotten.
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