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KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 9): Thai-ing the Knot


The picture on each week’s post is USUALLY awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. Not this week. This week it is awarded to Nathan, Desiree’s brother. Nathan called Sean a playboy last week and was generally unwelcoming to Sean which resulted in Desiree being sent home. While it seemed normal that a brother would be defensive of his sister, we learned in “Sean Tells All” (which I did watch but didn’t write about) that Nathan was nice to Sean early in the night and told him he thought he was a good dude. I think halfway through dinner he realized that conversation may not make it on television so he had the second conversation. Dude just wanted his 15 minutes of fame. He and his tattoos got just that. And they got the cover photo. Congratulations.

When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody. 

Episode 1: 50 Shades of Crazy

Episode 2: I’m Vegan But I Love the Beef

Episode 3: All Dates Should End in Confetti

Episode 4: The Roller Derby That Never Was

Episode 5: The Soliloquy to End All Soliloqies

Episode 6: WAIT… Did Desiree Say She Lived in a Tent

Episode 7: The Night The Sparkle Disappeared

Episode 8: The Fake Boyfriend Joke Backfired

We’re down to three girls, and I can’t wait for the end of this show. It was exciting to write about 25 crazy girls. It was exciting to write about a girl who pulled a tie out of her dress and then fell down. It was exciting to write about Tierra’s sparkle and her eyebrows. It was exciting to hear about Desiree living in a tent. But it’s not exciting to write about two girls who just giggle all the time (Catherine and Wedding Dress) and someone who is constantly talking about her feelings (AshLee.)  And it’s not exciting to write about Sean, who may or may not be the most boring person in the entire world.

But I’m not a quitter, so we’re going to push through and see who ends up winning Sean’s heart. Desiree’s brother would want it that way. Luke is with me again. Let’s get this over with.

 

KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 9)

8:02- As the show opens, Luke and Sean have this exchange even though Sean was completely unaware of it.

Sean: “We’re headed to Thailand. There are mountains coming out of the sea. There’s blue water, its beautiful. It looks like something out of a movie.”

Luke: “It looks like Hawaii.”

8:04- Does Sean shave his legs? I think he does. If he ends up getting turned down at the end of all this, ABC is a complete failure if they don’t play some Deena Carter.

8:08- The first 8 minutes of this show have been unbearable. Boredom leads Luke and I to really bad jokes.  The two jokes above are two of 20 that we’ve made, and the only two I’ve been able to print.

Wedding Dress’ Date

8:10- Wedding dress laments that she has yet to be able to tell Sean that she loves him. While she thinks it weird, I’d say it’s pretty normal to not be able to say that to a guy you’ve known less than a month.

8:12- “Being in this Thai market with Sean is exciting and adventurous. If we end up together our normal vacations will be just like this.” This is one of the reasons I hate this show. NO, Wedding dress, you’re normal vacations won’t be just like this. As soon as this show ends, ABC will not continue paying for your whole life.

8:13- Wedding dress called Sean brave for eating a bug. I don’t know where the line for determining bravery is drawn, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near “eating a bug.”

8:14- Luke isn’t great at paying attention to the show while it’s on. Sean just said, “I’m looking for my high school sweetheart.”

Luke’s response? “Wait, he wants a high school girl?

8:18- More straddling in water. Moving right along.

*Commercial*

8:21- On twitter, @CEHunter asks me if I’m buying that Sean is a virgin. I don’t know Sean, so speculating is unfair. But I’ll do it anyway. It’s my running diary. I’d say no. But I do believe the stuff that says he is a “born again virgin.” Whatever that means.

8:24- This episode is in Thailand. Luke just said it should be called “Thai-ing the knot.” That’s it. That’s the joke.

8:29- Sean: “So, if we got engaged, you’d be open to moving to Dallas.”

Wedding dress: “I am. I have, like, everything open…”

What the cameras failed to show was the rest of what she said. Luckily, we here at KSR have extensive connections and can find out everything that happens behind the scenes. Here is the rest of what Wedding Dress said: “I’m a substitute teacher. It’s not even a real job. I can’t pick it right back up in Dallas.”

8:31- Luke likes Wedding Dress: “She’s the one, man… I mean, I don’t know if she is the one for Sean. But she’s the one for me.”

8:32- WHERE DID THOSE PEOPLE COME FROM DURING DINNER? Did they just happen to be walking through? Another crazy coincidence.

8:33- Sean to Wedding Dress: “From the start I’ve wanted someone who was funny, compassionate, and loving. And you are both of those things.” Sounds like to me he needs someone who can count.

*Commercial*

AshLee’s Date

8:42- AshLee just responded to three straight statements with the words “Oh my god.”

Sean: “We have our own private beach today. But we have to swim through that cave to get there.”

AshLee: “Oh my god.”

Sean: “It’s deep. And it’s dark.”

AshLee: “Oh my god.”

Sean: “You’re just gonna hang on to me.”

AshLee: “Oh my god.”

At least she wasn’t talking about her feelings.

8:43- AshLee then talks about her abandonment issues. Again. Twitter friend Josh Cohron also made sure I didn’t forget: “@JoshCohron: @AFlenerKSR Not sure if you’ve heard, but AshLee was adopted. And abandoned. And, adopted. Also, she was abandoned.”

I think I understand.

8:47- Can AshLee talk about anything other than how she feels? The answer to that is no. It was rhetorical. Why did you answer it? And why did you answer the “why did you answer it?” question. It was also rhetorical.

8:48- AshLee says: “No two people belong together more than me and Sean.” Luke and I came up with a list of people who belong together more than AshLee and Sean:

1. Adam and Eve

2. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson

3. Stone Cold Willow and Ashley Judd

4. Chris Brown and Rihanna

8:49- Luke: “Sean and AshLee make about as much sense as a Bart Durham commercial.”

8:51- AshLee: “Do you get asked ‘Why are you single?’ a lot?”

Sean: “Yeah, but I was chasing my career and other things. I wasn’t in a place in my life where I wanted to settle down.”

We don’t have to define “other things”, right?

8:53- AshLee: “I don’t take getting engaged lightly.” She would know she doesn’t, cause she’s already done it once.

8:59- AshLee just described her perfect ring and ended by saying “My ring finger is a 6 1/2.” Again, she would know from experience.

9:01- Listening to AshLee talks makes me want to punch stuff. I don’t think she’s made a joke the entire season. She ONLY talks seriously about her feelings and never gives any reasons for having those feelings.

*Commercial*

Catherine’s date

9:12- Luke just made a great observation about the way Sean hugs the girls. Let me explain. When Sean hugs the girls, he ALWAYS grabs their butt. However, he does it in the smartest way possible. He doesn’t grab their back and then slide his hand onto the butt. That would make them think “he just grabbed my butt.” (Not that they would care.)

Sean grabs the butt first, then slides the hand up to the back as if grabbing the butt were an accident. It’s genius really, and now guys everywhere will try it. And they will be busted for reading this column.

9:19- Chris Harrison, who has the easiest job in the word, must have had a tough week this week.  He had to write ALL THREE fantasy suite invitation notes. I can’t imagine how taxing this must have been for him.

9:21- Catherine to Sean: “I hope you don’t just hear people saying you’re beefy and you’re hunky. You’re more than that.” Is she talking to a soup can?

9:23- Catherine said she is made fun of for being chubby and eating a lot. Beautiful girls have it so tough, you guys.

9:24- Catherine, upon being invited to the Fantasy suite (it should be noted I couldn’t hear the words “fantasy suite” without thinking about the Georgia Dome at the fifty yard line where the dirty birds kick for three): “I’m pretty traditional when it comes to relationships.”

This quote led to another brilliant @JoshCohron tweet: “‘I’m pretty traditional when it comes to relationships.’ -a girl on a TV dating show, to a guy dating two other women.”

9:25- More water straddling.

9:26- ABC just advertised a movie. How could they do that with something this important going on? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO FIND LOVE THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS.

9:28- Chris Harrison, y’all. Drink.

9:39- Catherine just said Sean gave her the wiggles. I don’t think she was talking about these guys. But I’m not sure.

9:43- AshLee just showed up in that maroon dress. We didn’t pause it. Nope. Totally didn’t do that. Not at all.

9:44- AshLee, even if you don’t win, you can go anywhere in the world and do anything as long as you don’t lose that dress.

ROSE CEREMONY

First rose goes to Wedding Dress.

Then the longest pause ever happened. ABC is trolling everyone. This pause was no less than 30 seconds. That’s an entire possession in women’s basketball.

The second rose goes to Catherine.

9:52- AshLee looks like she is going to absolutely kill someone. Her eyes have that crazy glaze. She walks out without even looking at Sean. No crying. No speaking. Sean has to rush to follow her out. He says a bunch of crap that isn’t true to make her feel better. It doesn’t work. She remains silent. She just stares at him.

9:55- AshLee didn’t say anything to Sean. But her eyes did. They said “I’m going to kill you and your entire family.” She is now in the cab interviewing without looking at the camera. If “The Rebounder” was a real show like it should be, at this point the man would be removed from the car due to a sincere worry about his well being. I have no idea the thoughts going through AshLee’s mind. But I wish I did. I’d print all of them.

9:59- “We’ll see you next week as the women tell all and in two weeks for the 3 hour Bachelor finale.” *Inserts gun into mouth.*

 

See y’all in two weeks. We’re going to pass on covering “Women Tell All.”

 

@AFlenerKSR

 

 

 

 

Article written by Aaron Flener

Don't let anyone take your sparkle.

57 responses to “KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 9): Thai-ing the Knot”

  1. Fake Tom Leach

    Get this trash off here! Where is the post about the new redesigned Genesis Diamonds website?

  2. Jake_GOCATS

    Please for the sake of all of us here, including the women, get this garbage off this site. Don’t you have anything else to write about on a Tuesday in late Februrary?

  3. Bruno

    Seriously, no one cares about The Bachelor. I don’t get it.

  4. Indiana Tom

    Agree with #3. Going to stick with the Leach report.

  5. Matt

    This is the best comment section ever. You would think after all these weeks people would have given up with the hate mail. But they just keep it coming. I wish UK played with that much dedication.

  6. Dave

    I agree with the others; this is seriously a waste of space and it actually causes me to feel a tad bit sorry for you. That anyone would waste their time watching a show as pointless and contrived as “The Bachelor,” is one level of pathetic; however, the one would take the time to actually write a “running journal” of the events is a completely new level of pathetic that even Dante, fresh from creating his “Inferno,” couldn’t have devised.

  7. Matt

    You said you watched “Sean tells all” but didn’t write about it. You should have used that same good judgement when you thought about writing these posts. Thank God for a two week break I guess.

  8. Eric K

    Who in the HELL cares about this BULLSHIT!?! GO CATS!!

  9. lets do it again

    I don’t like the show, but I’m sure some do. Still, this is a UK sports site, not peoples magazine or teenage weekly. Did you see the length of that blog? WOW! If they have to write about it, how about 2 or 3 lines in summary right below “Not Jerry Tipton” on Fridays?

  10. UKAlum

    This is my favorite post of the week. My office loves to laugh at the rednecks in the comment section! Thank you all for a great start to Tuesday.

  11. richard simmons

    i just love it baby

  12. Topical Pseudonym

    This isn’t a “hate” post. I just want everyone to consider the fact that this guy spends hours of his time 1) watching the bachelor, and 2) writing and editing a blog post about it on a sports site. These are the simple facts. Do with them what you will.

  13. Fudhegaceb

    Aaron in all serious…are u gay?

  14. bham

    What a waste of space. I haven’t and will not read any posts regarding this joke of a show. I hate to think new viewers from Dick Vitale’s mention of KSR on ESPN come here for the first time to see this crap. As J Rock would say, “the bachelor sucks!”

  15. Ready 5

    You done messed up A A Ron. Seriously, Wtf is this?

  16. Perry

    this really is garbage. take it off and go put it on KSRCollege if that’s where they want it. the posts are neither funny nor clever. straight trash.

  17. KSR_Spy

    I personally enjoy these posts a lot. After we put the kids to bed my wife watches this show. I’m usually doing work and catch half of it. I spend most of that time making fun of the show and harassing my wife about it. This post always makes me laugh. Keep up the good work on “in the most ridiculous manner possible”.

  18. Aaron Fleener

    @13) yes when I’m not jotting down notes for this crap I’m getting a pipeline layed in between my butt cheeks

  19. jymbo

    A total waste of space.

  20. Chumlee

    On bachelor after dark, Tina tried to give Jacob a surprise blumpkin. Unfortunately Jacob was busy showing Karen his favorite move, the Houdini. So Tina walks in and was totally like “omg wtf!?”. Jacob was like “it’s not what you think”. Then he grabs Tina, throws her down next to Karen and throws down a Double Dirty Sanchez!!! That sh*t Cray!! Tune in next Thursday when Jacob gets a visit from his buddy Eightball and they play a marathon game of Ride The Bull.

  21. Luke

    Sean using reverse psychology on girls butts is hilarious.

  22. Pamola

    I think his Running Diary is hilarious and the comments section is even funnier. Every week I read the comments to see how many people are complaining. He’s probalby laughing at all of you. The way I see it is like this….if you hate it, skip it and don’t waste your time posting about it. Have a good day everyone and thanks for the laughs. :)

  23. Guy

    I agree with 23

  24. josh

    calender girl is still hot

  25. Stu Padaso

    It would really suck to tell people that you write for KSR and then having to tell them you write the Bachelor entry….

    Do you tuck your penis between your legs while you type it up?

  26. John

    #23 you have a great idea.

  27. BigBlueAces

    From a guy whose wife watches this religiously as I peruse twitter and Netflix on iPad, I applaud you. Being in the same room you can’t help but catch some of these situations that you write about–hilarious take! What these commenters don’t understand is this column is the ultimate troll on this site. Brings out the haters in droves!

  28. JoeMoney333

    $10 – 23. and 24. are the same person who just entered a different name…

  29. All in favor

    29. Get a mod to check on that for you Joeymoney…
    I’ve only posted once – people just like the suggestion.

  30. A Guy

    No way 30. I agree w/ JoeMoney

  31. LaRueBigBlue

    @18 Damn Aaron I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. But in all honesty, how do you stand to watch that show?

  32. A completely different poster

    Yea, I’m with JoeMoney333

  33. TravisC

    If the comment section wasn’t so hilarious this series would’ve stopped after the first couple episodes.

  34. Not JoeMoney333

    JoeMoney333 is the coolest poster on KSR without a doubt. Obama is the greatest president ever. The Bachelor is the greatest show ever. Matt Jones is the greatest person ever. POINT.BLANK.PERIOD.

  35. JoeMoney333

    36. Who? Don’t leave all of us hanging here?

  36. Matt gray

    Are you gay???

  37. Jarred

    I love this post. Absolutely hilarious. Some commenters on here make me really sad that they are fellow uk fans.

  38. Your Friend Luke ISNT funny

    I enjoy this section on Tuesdays but your friend Luke is not funny at all and the more you include him the worse it is.

  39. Gooby

    Thank you again for a hilarious start to my Tuesday! I’ll be so sad when this is over! You are awesome, keep it up! Go Cats!

  40. DTWS Blogger

    Can I write the weekly blog for the next Dancing With The Stars? Everyone would rather know what Wynonna and DL Hughley are up to as opposed to UK sports. Just let me know.

  41. waste

    what a waaste of space …. terrible

  42. Kate

    I’m glad to hear someone else has the same thoughts about AshLee. This is a great blog, love a guys perspective. You are too funny!

  43. Doesn'tMatter

    You guys seriously make my day with all your caring. Go to work? or back your trailer? At least I get to pass more class time by reading the comments. Haters gonna hate.

  44. UKAlum

    AllInFavor- I would love to sit down as adults with you and discuss why you feel the need to be so bigoted. I’m more than positive you would not talk this way in public or at least I hope not.

  45. The south

    If you are wondering why the developed world continues to make fun of the south, just read this awesome comment section. The word “Faggit” is used multiple times and no one takes exception to any of the ridiculous reasons it is an effed up thing to say Honestly it is a fantastic character study in both people of the south and anonymity. This grantland ripoff is funny for the comments and the comments alone. I hope you start with “the real world Urul (meteors and risk)” or something similar soon.

  46. Bubba Earl

    Ican’t wait for coverage of DWTS, starting in March! This is so much more exciting than college sports, keep it comin’ NOT!!!

  47. ==== KSR HEADACHE ====

    ==== INANE TOPIC —- at best, writing about yourself or the THREE DUMMIES ….. your egos are as inflated as your hope for our sorry hoops squad ………..

    OH WELL, twiddle dee, twiddle dum …..

    Have a nice day KSR mods … mother’s oldest dumb son !

    JMHO

    OL’ PIX himself

    ====

  48. antuoin merriweather

    Hated it!

  49. Larry linebeard

    Hey Fleener can we get a honey boo boo update ya queer?!?!?

  50. Why??

    No one gives a flying F about the bachelor or this thread. Get this sh*t off KSR. Thanks

  51. Cats in the NBA

    If there were no comments this blog series would not even exist.

  52. Katy

    Please, please, please do not pass on the “Women Tell All” episode. Reading this column makes my Tuesday every week! I don’t even need to watch the episodes because your coverage is so much better! Think of all the crazy shit Ashlee would say next week!

  53. lambinated

    Don’t worry Flener, one of these days you’ll be able to make out with a fat chick that will be swooned by the fact that you have by far the most pathetic job associated with KSR. I’m sure your greasy palms tremble in anticipation of that moment as you fervently jot down notes about a worthless TV show while the vast majority of humanity both mocks and pities you. I can only assume that’s the angle you’re trying to play since these posts are so far removed from ironic enjoyment or satire that it’s beyond redemption. Godspeed, sir.

  54. D-Nice

    I have never read a word of Aaron Fleener’s bachelor update, but I will say that the comment section associated with this thread is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. It is consistently the best content on KSR. I’m waiting for the day Aaron reveals this thread is a ruse just to see how many “Aaron is a queer” comments he can provoke from bumpkin morons feeling insecure about their sexuality. You better not even read about the bachelor guys or you’ll get gay!

  55. Queer Gay Redneck Bachelor Lover

    Can we get a poll for how many readers loves/hates the bachelor post? I think the redneck turds in this comment section would be surprised as to how many people actually like the content. Also, lambinated is clearly a douchebag.

  56. goukats

    There was some REAL reality excitement today on the “Springer” and “Maury” shows.A young couple from Knoxville decided they needed a break after havinf a child and spending too much time caring for it.So the man of the house,went out with the guys,met up with a young blonde and wound up having unsolicited sex,which he confessed to on the “Springer Show”. Talk about excitement ,when his live-in girlfriend found out,the sparks began to fly.Then on the Maury show a 25 year old female met a 55 year old male while pumping gas at a gas station and was accusing him of fathering her child.Well,after all the drama,shouting ,yelling ,and screaming between he,the 25 year old,and his current 40 year girl friend,Maury brought out the DNA results,and we found the 55 year old was’nt the daddy.I tell you the excitement nearly got me.

  57. lambinated

    I personally think the funniest thing about the comment section is that the people that actually enjoy the posts consider themselves above the “redneck” and “ignorant” posters that don’t like the content. What is the world coming to when you’re referencing THE BACHELOR as some sort of high-brow entertainment that must only be disliked by rednecks and imbeciles? What ambassadors of good taste you fine people must be.