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Hello, Tennessee Fans


bruce-pearl-true-lies

Hello Tennessee fans! It’s that time of year again where you get to redeem the remainder of your gift card to the Alimony salon for the second of two ass waxings at no cost to you. Just sit back, bite down on something leathery (Pat Summit keep your shirt on), and know that it will all be over in forty minutes. Do not fear, as the pain of Sundays treatment will be quickly forgotten when the NCAA borrows Jimmy Dykes’ “nail” in a few weeks and shoves it directly up your “Cumberland Cavern”. Bruce, you must know by now that governing bodies do not take kindly to mistakes of veracity and candor towards their investigations. That really should have been a lesson you learned when the ex, Kim Shrigley, wouldn’t accept “individual workouts” as the stated reason for your fingers smelling like cat food after attending 2007 fall student orientation.

What? You thought that an eight game suspension for conference games would appease the Gods of Indianapolis for lying directly to their face when they had photo evidence to the contrary? Yeah, that is about as likely as finding a leprechaun, a unicorn, and a hymen all in Charlie Sheen’s boudoir. The faith that self-imposed punishments will satisfy the NCAA is as misplaced as a Randolph Morris fax or Billy G’s Titleist.

UT fans, it is time to wake up and see your coach for what he’s worth. Pearl has been turned away at more sweet sixteens than Roman Polanski. Last season’s Elite 8 was much like when Cinderella finally made it to the ball – yeah, I know, she coughed – before anything terribly good happened, her dress went to hell, the horses turned into mice, and the carriage turned back into a bright orange Pearl. See UT fans, Cindy tried to hide her flaws behind a well padded bra, a bump-it, and spanx, but in the end, the wheels came off at midnight. UT, when the NCAA tags your school, you’ll definitely know what time it is. Except, in your case, there will be no happy ending, save what Natural Light fueled tug Brucie can coax in a cove at Norris Lake. UT bball fans already know this, but the only ‘glass slippers’ to be found in Knoxville are size 12 Timberlands and they belong to your women’s coach.

If you’re lucky, UT, Sunday will be the last time this calendar year UK will have to hear you scream out your safe word. But then again…. there is always Atlanta. Just grunt or stomp or whatever it is you people in TN do whenever you fake like you ‘read’ something.

Peace and chicken grease,

TH

CC: Hubert B. Going to Atlanta

Article written by Turkey Hunter

39 responses to “Hello, Tennessee Fans”

  1. Timp

    HATE DAY!

  2. Shields Eyes

    Wow.

  3. The Real Pioneer

    TROY MCKINLEY COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER HIMSELF! WELL DONE!

  4. Mr. Green Jeans

    Flat out hilarious!

  5. Snitches

    Tell em’ how you really fell Turkey
    (games on Sunday btw)

  6. Usernametaken

    Man, KSR is talking a lot of smack about a game that we could very easily lose.

  7. Snitches

    *feel

  8. Know your UK schedule

    Game is on Sunday.

  9. The Scarlet Pumpernickel

    CAT-tastic

  10. Handsome Jimmy

    “Pearl has been turned away at more sweet sixteens than Roman Polanski.”

    Outstanding work TH.

  11. SexnNursinHomes

    hahaha- KSR knockin’ out of the park today

  12. GP

    Cat Food + Hymen = BI-WINNING!!!

  13. WildCobb Salad

    The Polanski line made me laugh. A lot.

  14. Roger

    News alert. Just heard on the news that the Governor’s Mansion in Tennessee burned to the ground earlier today, but do not worry, the trailer park was evacuated and no lives were lost.

  15. HoundDog

    Hey Turkey Hunter,
    The GAME is Sunday not Saturday,
    I understand you must be working on the Turkey call for the game.

  16. Rockfield, KY

    The Roman Polanski line and cat food line were two of the funniest things I’ve ever read on this site.

  17. TeamSheen

    Hymens aren’t winning.

  18. UK fan from loserville(1 of a million)

    I just got a text from Pearl confirming that he did see a leprechaun in Sheen’s bedroom when he stayed there on his last recruting trip. He said he was not sure what a unicorn was, but if he saw one he would take a picture and send it to Bret Favre to confirm.

  19. HiMyNameIs

    6. I agree. I hate Tennessee and these posts are hilarious but lets ease up on the smack talk until we WIN on Sunday. It will be a very tough game and you know how teams that are struggling play against us.

  20. ThankfulCat

    BREAKING NEWS:
    Legal drinking age in Tennessee just raised to 32 to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

  21. SheenMachine

    I have Turkey Hunter DNA and blood and stuff.

  22. Al's IndiCats

    T.Hunter, I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking anything while reading your post, it would’ve been all over the screen…FREAKIN” Hilarious!

  23. HardinCatFan58

    “That really should have been a lesson you learned when the ex, Kim Shrigley, wouldn’t accept ‘individual workouts’ as the stated reason for your fingers smelling like cat food after attending 2007 fall student orientation.”

    Best line ever?

  24. Bruce's PEARL necklace

    Do you all know why they bring cattle prods to basketball games at UT? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at Thompson-Boling arena.

  25. ADAVIS@GOCATS!

    By far the best article ever written on KSR! Very impressed…Keep it up!

  26. Bruceisfat

    WELL SAID

  27. keepinitreal

    Classic!!

  28. Oliver Simmons

    Beautiful.

  29. 502Cat

    KSR is coming with the heat today! I love it!

  30. Pat Summit

    Its not leather… Its pleather!!!

  31. StevieD

    Man, I hate Tennessee orange. It’s that old puke orange. That inside the pumpkin orange and I hate pumpkins. Their stadium looks like a garbage truck workers convention. I just hate Tennessee. I can’t stress that enough.

  32. blueballs14

    The “size 12 Timberlands” line did me in. I still can’t stop laughing. FIRST RATE TH!!

  33. CatFan4444

    Man o man, I hope this post full of smack doesn’t jinx us for our pending road win in TBA on Sunday. Full of lovely pleasantries aimed at our enemies across the border!!! Bang!!

  34. oldgeezer

    Beat up on Brucie all you want, but leave that hottie Pat alone!

  35. justsayin...

    Sure as hell hope that you haven’t raised the ire of Karma! Talk to much crap, and it usually backfires. Wat until Monday to toss stones!

  36. GhostVol

    Worthy effort…but what if the ‘Cats, you know, lose?

  37. UK fan from loserville(1 of a million)

    We support them 100% win or lose.

  38. beau

    I don’t think all the people saying to hold off on trash talking quite understand. This is UT hate day. Same as UL hate day and UT hate day in football season. We make fun of UT on this day. I understand the game hasn’t been played, but this is a day of celebrating all things hatred toward UT, trash-talking included. And if karma is indeed involved, it CERTAINLY won’t be on the side of Brucie-Bruce and the chain gang.

    Keep up the good work KSR!

  39. tom9698

    You know what a porcupine and Neyland Stadium have in common? A porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside,Neyland Stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside !