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10 Keys To Winning At South Carolina

I like those pillows. Are they from Kohl’s?

I have 10 keys to victory. I assume that girl’s phone number has 10 digits. I’m willing to trade straight up.


1.) Catch the damn football. It’s not funny anymore.

2.) Win the turnover battle. South Carolina averages three turnovers per game and leads the SEC in completions to the other team. Kentucky’s defense needs to capitalize on opportunities and the offense needs to avoid turnovers at all costs. If the Cats don’t win the turnover battle, they don’t win the game. Plain and simple.

3.) Grind it out. Yesterday, Joker said his team needs to take it one play at a time and just grind it out and grind it out against South Carolina. “When you play a 60-minute game, something bad is going to happen,” he said. “If a bad thing happens, let’s shake it off and let’s go. We have to continue to play.” Remember, Kentucky was down 18 to South Carolina at halftime last year. Also, remember Randall Cobb.

4.) Get pressure on Connor Shaw. Sophomore quarterback Connor Shaw will start in place of 11-year veteran Stephen Garcia. Shaw struggled in the season opener against a pretty bad East Carolina team. The Kentucky front seven need to get to Shaw and force him into mistakes. Blitz him. Hit him. Insult his brother, Jaybo. Just get to him.

5.) Politely ask Marcus Lattimore to play with his shoe strings tied together. Otherwise, he’ll rush for 200 yards. Lattimore seems like a pretty nice guy, what would it hurt to ask him? The worst he can do is say no. Don’t be so shy.

6.) Don’t smell Stephen Garcia’s breath. The South Carolina quarterback’s breath has the potency of Appalachian moonshine infused with diesel fuel and Billy Gillispie’s urine. One quick whiff will disrupt all coordination and motor skills. History says Garcia’s breath is strongest when he is getting into his vehicle.

7.) Get really, really high at a South Carolina frat party. Michael Phelps did it and he’s one of the most successful athletes ever. Maybe there is something in the ganja down there in Columbia. If Phelps is smoking there, it must be that diggity dank. Just don’t pass it to Matt Roark because he’ll drop it, and burn marks are impossible to cover up on nice carpet.

8.) Find a magic lamp. This magic lamp will need to contain a genie that will grant Kentucky one wish. Kentucky’s wish should be to win the football game. It’ll take a pretty powerful genie to grant this wish, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. If the genie says no, Kentucky should ask for a win against Jacksonville State. If the genie can’t do that, Kentucky should ask for a time warp or one of those fancy memory-erasing devices from Men In Black.

9.) Catch the damn football. I’m serious. There is absolutely no excuse for an entire receiving core being so bad at doing the main thing they’re called on to do. Catch the football or find a hobby.

10.) Listen to Hootie & The Blowfish. Who doesn’t like Hootie & The Blowfish? The greatest band ever was founded at the University of South Carolina. Just pop in Cracked Rear View and you’ve already won, regardless of the actual outcome of the game.

I’m such a baby ’cause the Wildcats make me cry.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

25 responses to “10 Keys To Winning At South Carolina”

  1. blitzedanddazed

    What does South Carolina and Jerry Tipton have in common? Think about it?

  2. tdogg4033011

    1) they both suck ???

  3. yo momma

    ~she could get it~

  4. Chris Thomas

    Comments about ‘grinding it out’ with the girl in the photo in 5, 4, 3…2…1…*submits comment*

  5. Hire Phil Fulmer

    I have a rule not to sleep with girls whos boobs are smaller than mine

  6. AppyCat

    Back in the day there was a bar that promoted a tootie & hootie night. Friend from Columbia said hootie was the opening act. Bet he’s laughing at tootie now. Go Cats, rock out with your claws out.

  7. Brother Michigan

    I wouldn’t insult Jaybo too much. He’ll bring the Eagles up here and shame us all by handing use a 20+ point defeat to a I-AA team.

  8. SexnNursinHomes

    4- I let that girl vomit in my face and I’d be happy to say, “more please”

  9. The champ west ky

    We lose by 21 . Bet the 401k and kids saving account.

  10. BPsycho

    #4 Smooth

    #8 I’ll second that, but I wouldn’t say please haha

  11. Manbearpig

    I logged onto the comments hoping to catch a SNH phrase….thank you sir for not disappointing me. I would be the proud recipient of glass bottom boat from her

  12. jch

    “When you play a 60-minute game, something bad is going to happen,” he said. “If a bad thing happens, let’s shake it off and let’s go. We have to continue to play.”

    Of course, if you play a 60 minute game you’d like to think something good may happen as well…

    Good positive thinking coach

  13. raining blood

    hello…today is the 25th anniversary of slayers “reign in blood” album. The intro, the beginning and breakdown from the song “raining blood” is easily the choice for the cats tunnel music and 3rd down hype’s. Take note Matthew.

  14. Yessir

    I’m sorry…was there some sort of article here?

  15. Wes

    Alright…the swelling went down and I was finally able to read the post. Nice job, Drew.

  16. UKGrad99

    Did Matt really say two uofl coaches fought each other? If so, he should never get upset when someone makes an outragous comment.

  17. Ghostofbearbryant
  18. Poco Chang

    move the camera around to the other side

  19. Hack

    Hot chick. Funny post. We suck. No way we win tomorrow. #BBN

  20. MemphisCat

    I’m a South Carolina female fan now, she is hot and I agree with #5, but I would make a exception for her this one time.

  21. markp

    We go 3 and 9 this year. Hopefully Barnhart will man up and get us a real football coach.

  22. Axe Cop

    Really hope #10 on the list was a bad joke.

  23. uk fan

    i would let her rape me

  24. Some Guy in Kentucky

    I hope that UK comes out today and shows an ability to move the football. The rest of the games on the schedule are winnable if they do. If not, they could lose out.

  25. Don Johnson

    Matt Roark dropped another pass while I was reading this post.