Kentucky Sports Radio

Timmons finishes strong in the final-leg of the 100M. (h/t The State Journal)

Neal Brown has marveled at incoming freshman Ryan Timmons speed on the football field. Yesterday Timmons reinforced Brown’s beliefs by taking home the AA State Title in the 100M and 200M. Timmons successfully pulled off the 3-peat in the 100M, finishing in 11.06 seconds.

While re-claiming his title in 100M was important, Timmons showed his competitive nature by focusing primarily on winning the 200M, a race he fell just short of winning the year before. “I lost last year and I had something to prove. It was kind of disappointing and that’s what I’ve been working for, to show people how fast I was.” After hearing Cal recently preach and preach about toughness, you can appreciate Timmons’ competitive “headhunter” mentality that will be brought to football team in the fall.

(@SRsixstix)

This morning Dominique Hawkins added another accolade to his exceptional Senior year of high school. With a Sweet 16 MOP under his belt and a roster spot on a potentially historic UK team, the only thing left was to have his own day of the week. This morning Richmond Mayor Jim Barnes declared May 18th “Dominique Hawkins Day” in the city of Richmond.

I know most of you are excited to get out of town Memorial Day Weekend, but you should have planned your vacations around the summer’s best holiday “Dominique Hawkins Day”.

- The Hittin’ Kittens inched their way closer to the Women’s College World Series last night after winning in dramatic fashion at John Cropp Stadium. With the game tied 1-1 in the bottom of the 8th, Nikki Sagermann’s RBI-single gave the Cats their 7th extra-inning win of the season, downing Marshall 2-1. They will continue their quest at 1:00 against Virginia Tech, go show em some support #BBN.

- The Mayans will not stop saying, “I told you so.” Yesterday’s Copa del Rey Final (that’s soccer) was a rough match between inner-city rivals Atletico Madrid and Real Madrid. With cards flying all over the field, Atletico defeated Real 2-1 in extra-time for the first time since 1999.  The Mayans may not have correctly predicted the ending of the world, but they knew something weird was going to happen in 2013 for Little Brothers all around the world.

- With the second leg of the triple crown on the line tonight at 6:20 on NBC, take some time to learn more about your homegrown Derby winner Orb. The New York Times wrote a piece on Orb and his ‘childhood friend’ Departing, reuniting today on the racetrack for the first time since their time as yearlings on Claiborne Farms.

- Violence is never the correct answer, unless you are a Russian Pee-Wee hockey player. In honor of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, take a look at the craziest hockey fight I’ve EVER seen.

Former Kentucky Wildcat Ron Mercer celebrates his 36th birthday today. Mercer was a key member of the 1996 national championship winning/denim jersey wearing Kentucky men’s basketball team. For most children growing up in the 1990s like myself, Mercer’s most important and prominent role was as a forward for the Blue and White. For me though, his most important role was in the VHS movie “Back on Tops Cats” that I watched every single day when I came home from school for at least 2-3 years of my childhood. Following the 1996 national championship run, the sequel to the “Top Cats” VHS was released. And just like my Mom always went and bought national championship t-shirts at the gas station promptly the day after each title Kentucky has won in my lifetime, she faithfully purchased the VHS for me.

“Back on Top Cats” chronicled the entire NCAA tournament run, which included a final 4 win over a then-John Calipari coached UMASS team. I don’t remember many specifics from that UMASS team other than Marcus Camby, but I do remember a few pesky guards: The Padilla brothers, and a guy by the name of “Travieso.”

Mercer not only celebrated a decorated career at Kentucky, including All-American honors and SEC Player of the Year honors, but he also had a career in the NBA which lasted until 2005. Mercer was originally drafted by Rick Pitino in 1997 with the 6th overall pick. Happy birthday, Ron Mercer. Thank you for helping me avoid watching Sally Jesse Raphael with my sister after school.

And now on to the news and views from a slow day in the Kentucky sporting world…

—- If you came here tonight hoping to find breaking news or big news from the day… quite simply, you might find yourself disappointed. Following the Andrew Wiggins announcement and John Calipari’s press conference and KSR radio appearance, “school” has essentially been let out for the summer. The time between now and the NBA Draft will likely be rather slow… but we will do our best to help you through the emptiness.

—- We learned today that Archie Goodwin and Nerlens Noel might not be the only two Wildcats from this year’s team to play in the NBA. Julius Mays, who admitted at the end of the season that he would like to continue pursuing the option to play basketball, has been working out with NBA teams. The Milwaukee Bucks, LA Lakers and the Toronto Raptors are all giving Uncle Julius a look before the draft. Mays doesn’t necessarily expect to hear his name called on draft night, but he feels confident that he can find a spot for himself as a shooter and role player off the bench as a free agent. Best of luck to Julius Mays.

—- Meanwhile, Archie Goodwin is currently participating in the NBA Draft combine in Chicago. In news that likely hasn’t surprised many Kentucky fans, Goodwin has struggled a bit in his workouts. Goodwin is primarily considered to be a shooting guard, yet he does not have the outside shooting stroke that the NBA often croons over from that position. Goodwin played some at the point for Kentucky, but that doesn’t appear to be his natural position (or at least not yet). If Goodwin sparks a team’s interest in the first round, it will likely be based on raw potential, not his current skill set.

—- John Calipari has made the rounds in the past few days to talk mainly about next year’s team, his Vespa and his two-man book club with Willie Cauley-Stein. One point Cal brought up was that Alex Poythress and Willie Cauley-Stein were both realistic about their status and readiness for the NBA, prompting them to both come back for another season. Only time will tell on whether or not Goodwin would have been better off making the same decision. His lack of a clear cut shooting guard or point guard skill-set certainly begs the question.

—- In a small football nugget, Athlon Magazine’s pre-season college football rankings were just released. Kentucky checks in at #65 with the daunting task of facing perhaps the toughest schedule in the country. Western Kentucky, a team Mark Stoops believes would beat the Cats if they played today, checked in at #91. Kentucky will have the chance to score a huge upset early in the season when they play 10th ranked Louisville.

—- More help looks to be on the way though in the next few years for the Kentucky football team. On the heels of Drew Barker’s commitment last week, Kentucky looks to be in great shape with at least 3 players who plan to announce their college decisions soon. Darius West, Braxton “Honey Nut” Berrios and Derek Kief all have Kentucky squarely in the picture for their recruitment. West and Berrios both intend to likely announce by the end of the month, and Kentucky is in a strong position with both players. #StoopsAndBarkerEffect

A quick glance at the 3 players to keep an eye on:

1) Derek Chief

6’5, 200 lbs.

4-star WR

Cincinnati, Ohio

Choosing between: Kentucky, Alabama, Notre Dame, Ohio State and Northwestern

2) Braxton Berrios

5’9, 180 lbs.

4-star WR

Raleigh, North Carolina

Offers from Virginia Tech, West Virginia, South Carolina, Tennessee, etc.

3) Darius West

5’11, 196 lbs.

4-star Safety

Lima, Ohio

Will choose between Kentucky, Louisville, Michigan State and Wisconsin on May 30th

—- A huge congratulations to the Kentucky women’s softball team for their opening round win in the NCAA Regionals tonight. The Cats faced off against Marshall in a game that took extra innings to decide. Kentucky finally pulled out the victory in the bottom of the 8th with a walk-off single by Nikki Sagermann to close the deal. The Cats won 2-1 and will now face Virginia Tech in the winners bracket at 1 p.m. tomorrow afternoon. Kentucky is hosting the event, so make an afternoon of it at the brand new facility if the weather holds up. Go Cats.

—- If you are still following Grant Traylor (the media member from the Wiggins announcement), tonight was probably a fairly productive evening for him on your Twitter Timeline. Traylor is the beat writer for the Marshall women’s softball team. I unfollowed him at 8 p.m., a few hours before the game was over. It must have been love, but it’s over now. 

—- On the other side of the scoreboard, the Kentucky men’s baseball team dropped a crucial game to Missouri 4-3 tonight. The Cats were in desperate need of a sweep over a beatable Missouri team in order to keep its NCAA tournament hopes alive. Kentucky’s lone chance to keep the dream alive now appears to be an SEC tournament championship. Anything less and the Cats will likely be on the outside looking in.

UK player Jake Taylor probably put it best when he said, “Well I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Win the whole ******* thing.”

—- This season has been rather disappointing for the baseball team. On April 2nd, the Cats’ record stood at 22-6. In just over a month’s time, Kentucky has gone 7-18 (s/o to David Mulloy for the stat and for his superb UK windbreaker).

And last but not least… stay tuned for stories from Matt, Drew, Ryan and some of the other KSR crew members as they travel to Waddy tomorrow night to camp with the werewolf. Good luck and fill up on gas while you’re there. Best deal in town.

I wouldn’t being doing my due diligence as the KSR Bachelor representative if I didn’t pass along the trailer to a brand new Bachelor show that will soon premiere on ABC.*

Check out this clip from The Jimmy Kimmel Show and decide with or not you believe “The Baby Bachelor” Wesley can find love after (4-ish) years of searching. This kid has dreams. Like “turning his bed around.”

If you can’t laugh at this, we probably can’t be friends. 

*Just kidding. It will not ever be on television.

@AFlenerKSR

It is impressive, but in my view should be a little bigger.

Good evening, friends, and welcome to a rare Friday evening notes. I’m usually winding down from the blogging world around this time and switching to weekend mode, but tonight I felt compelled to write Kentucky news and notes in bulleted in form for my favorite people on the internet. So, kick back and enjoy what little news I could dig up from around #BBN.

— The NBA combine is underway in Chicago and, for the first time in the John Calipari era, we have only one Kentucky player to really keep up with during the process. Nerlens is almost a lock for that No. 1 pick and he isn’t working out, so Archie Goodwin is our NBA Draft entertainment for the month of May. Burr.

Archie struggled with his shot during today’s drills and it’s going to end up being his downfall if he can’t improve very, very soon. There isn’t a big market for shooting guards who can’t shoot, which is exactly what he is right now, unfortunately. This tweet from Draft Express sums the day up:

Archie Goodwin and B.J. Young having a mini-competition for who can look like a worse shooter. Air-balling shots left and right. #nbacombine

— Jonathan Givony (@DraftExpress) May 16, 2013

This is how it looked…

Time to focus on that move to point guard? He told Andy Katz he’s open to it if asked by a team but he plans to stay at the two.

— About a year ago, I decided that Nazr Mohammed will play in the NBA forever. It’s truly amazing that he’s still in the league after 14 seasons, and if Bulls coach Tom Thibodeux has his way, Nazr will be back for a 15th. Thibodeux said yesterday he would like to re-sign Nazr for another year and that Nazr was “tremendous” this season. However, Thibodeux also acknowledged that the market could call for someone else to take his place. One Bulls reporter said odds of Nazr being back in Chicago next season are very slim. Kings? You listening?

— Soon-to-be Kentucky football star Ryan Timmons won the state 100-meter title today, making him a three-time state champion in the event. That’s your future kick returner, folks. Congrats to Ryan.

— Oh, look, Kentucky will play NCAA Division III school Franciscan University of Steubenville in basketball in 2014. Cal extended the offer back in April while serving as the guest speaker at a fundraiser for the school, then announced it to the audience during his speech. Now it appears the deal is finalized for an exhibition game in Rupp Arena in November 2014. Beat the….ummmm… Google search… Barons! Beat the Barons!

— Finally, for you golf lovers, our friends over at IZOD are giving away a round of golf at Pebble Beach. I’d highly recommend you sign up and take me with you if you win.

That’ll do it for now. Enjoy your weekend and Go Cats.

If there’s one thing Kentucky fans love more than their teams, it’s the stuff they can buy to support them. KSR wants to see your odd and unique UK memorabilia. No, not just your run of the mill UK flag or t-shirt collection. We want the weird stuff. Have a stuffed Wildcat eating a cardinal? Send it in. A portrait of John Calipari made entirely of popcorn? Send it in. The odder, the better.

Today, we’re going to take a look at some odd wildcat figurines. These are not your normal knickknacks; someone has gone to great lengths to create them for UK fans to set upon their end tables, mantles, and everywhere else they can express their fandom in a slightly classier manner than say, a poster.

Cole Hancock’s Wildcat vase:

From Mike Stalls, who says he’s been riding since his freshman year at UK back in 1969:

Robey Smith’s favorite Wildcat mug:

This piece has a story behind it. From Kyle Moore:

This carafe is dubbed “The Wildcat,” and belonged to Kyle’s grandfather, who was a huge UK fan and season ticket holder for many years. The item has been in Kyle’s family since the 70′s, and always sat atop Kyle’s grandfather’s bar. After his grandfather’s death, Kyle’s grandmother sold the house and the family split some of his collectibles. The piece was passed around the family, sometimes with a surprise beverage inside. On September 10, 2011, Kyle’s cousin Will, a UK graduate, was killed in a motorcycle accident. Kyle says he and his cousin had many a nights drinking out of “The Wildcat,” and as a tribute, brought the carafe to a UK football tailgate the Saturday after his death. The family celebrated Will’s life by passing around “The Wildcat,” which garnered a lot of attention from fellow tailgaters, many who offered to buy it or just have their picture taken with it. Will’s friends and family came, and as Kyle writes, “it was a great way to wind down after a tragic week and celebrate the life of my cousin.”

Think you can do better? Send us a picture of your unique “UK junk” along with the story behind it and we’ll post the best ones on the website. Email pictures to tylerthompson@kentuckysportsradio.com with the subject heading “Kentucky Pickers.”

Remember last year when Kentucky won the national championship and Cal embarked on a state wide Trophy Tour to allow fans across the state a chance to celebrate with the hardware? Well not to be outdone Pitino has decided to take his trophy on a tour of his own and is doing so in the most Louisville way possible.

After bringing the trophy along as he went deep sea fishing in the Bahamas Pitino decided the next appearance made needed to be at his daughter’s 21st birthday bash. So while Cal stops at gas stations in Martin County to give people a chance to touch history Pitino decides to degrade the sanctity of the trophy by taking it out amongst the co-eds of Ft. Lauderdale. Seems about right.

A few weeks ago Ally asked the question “Do you still consider Rick Pitino ours?“. My answer to that is a resounding no. Between multiple scandals, the tattoo, and now stunts like this he has unquestionably gone full Cardinal. No official word yet but the next stops on the Pitino Trophy Tour include: dinner at Porcini’s, a stop by a tobacco field so the trophy can learn more about where Black and Mild’s come from, and they’ll wrap things up with a tour of the Crown Royal factory. Fitting. What other stops do you think they’ll try and fit in?

 @ACassady_KSR

Wide Receiver

6’5”, 200 lbs.
Cincinnati, OH (La Salle)

Rivals: #37 WR
Scout: #33 WR
247: #21 WR, #5 in OH, #134 overall

Choosing Between UK and: Alabama, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Northwestern (22 offers total).

Twitter: @DKief10

It has been one week since Drew Barker announced his commitment to the University of Kentucky, vowing to continue Mark Stoops’ great recruiting run by reaching out to his peers. In that short period of time he has created a UK Class of 2014 Twitter account to complement daily communication with his peers. In the next few weeks, I’ll be breaking down some of the best players Drew wants to join him in the Class of 2014.

Who would love to see me throwing passes to @dkief10 ??

— -Drew Barker- (@D_Barker7) May 17, 2013

I know Drew certainly wouldn’t mind throwing to the giant 6’5 target. Kief’s size doesn’t slow him down, running a 4.5 40-yard dash with a 35 inch vertical leap (try covering THAT in man-to-man coverage). He holds school records for receptions in a season and in a game, with his best performance against Cincy powerhouse Moeller resulting in 12 catches for 161 yards and 1 touchdown. With a great reputation off the field as well, it’s hard to find anything wrong with him other than a thin physique (That will change quickly once he starts a college-level weight program). With a Barker-to-Kief connection, Kentucky will become a force in the Red Zone with a jump-ball specialist on the outside.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! I can talk about how he is physically one of the best WR recruits ever for Kentucky, he has to have more swag than Bookie, Boogie, and Stevie Styles combined. Not only does he have his own website highlighting his career (derekkief.com), but he has his own rap song in the background of his highlight tape. The best lyrics from Speed Does Kill, “#10 Derek Kief, y’all in disbelief. Throw the jump ball, y’all check the vertical leap.” God Almighty PLEASE get this kid to UK.

(UK Athletics, Chet White)

For the fifth consecutive season, the Kentucky Wildcats softball team has received an at-large bid into the NCAA Tournament – one of only 23 schools who can make that claim. This is just the fifth bid ever for the program, and all have come under head coach Rachel Lawson. What’s more, the selection committee named Kentucky as the No. 12 national seed and one of the 16 regional hosts for the first time in the program’s history. The team will have home field advantage through the first set of games, and if the No. 5 seed in the bracket above in knocked out, Kentucky will own the Super Regional host as well.

Before falling in the first round of the SEC Tournament to South Carolina last week, the Wildcats were continuing a stellar season, and making history by taking two games out of three against 10th-ranked Alabama on the road. The wins in Tuscaloosa marked the first in school history, and the softball team’s first-ever series win against the Crimson Tide.

Now the focus lies on the double-elimination regional, which features Kentucky (10 RPI), Virginia Tech (38 RPI), Notre Dame (43 RPI), and Marshall (90 RPI). The Cats will be looking to top its 2011 run which included winning the Ann Arbor regional after knocking off the 10-seed Michigan Wolverines in two games, before being eliminated by 7-seed California in game three of the Lexington Super Regional. Just one win away from a trip to the Women’s College World Series.

First up for the Wildcats is the Marshall Thundering Herd. These two teams met a little more than a month ago in Lexington, and resulted in a thrilling come-from-behind walk-off win for the Cats in the bottom of the 7th inning. Down 3-1 with three outs to go, the Wildcats were able to plate three runs for the victory with the winning single coming off the bat of junior Ginny Carroll.

Since that game, the Herd posted a 10-6 record through the last part of its Conference-USA schedule, none of which were against ranked teams. While the Wildcats went 10-8 against far superior competition; all but three of those games were against ranked teams.

Marshall finished fourth in the C-USA standings with a 13-10 record, but earned its NCAA Tournament bid by winning the conference title. Paced by senior ace pitcher Andi Williamson who ranks third in the country in total strikeouts (332), the Thundering Herd will be looking to “shock the world” in this tournament. They are clearly the underdogs in this regional, if not the entire bracket.

Freshman pitcher Kelsey Nunley has been the stud in the circle for the Cats and will be the key in guiding Kentucky to the WCWS. She has set a school record for wins in a season with her 24-8 record. The frosh has a stellar 2.10 ERA with 175 strikeouts in 230.1 innings and tops the freshman SEC season leaders in wins, strikeouts, and ERA.

Sophomore Griffin Joiner is calling the signs, but her damage is done with the sticks. She paces the UK offense overall with a .327 average, 13 doubles, 41 RBI, and 10 home runs. Senior shortstop and slap hitter Kara Dill leads the team in batting average with a .361 mark and a .411 on-base percentage.

Game one of the Lexington Regional starts at 5 p.m. Friday with Notre Dame and Virginia Tech squaring off. Game two will begin after, scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. with Kentucky and Marshall. Both games will be available on ESPN3.com. The Regional will continue on Saturday and conclude on Sunday with the Championship game at 1 p.m. and the “if-necessary” game at 3:30 p.m.

This Kentucky team is poised to make a deep run. With as tough of a schedule as the team played, and as well as it came out, these Wildcats have a monster ceiling and are feeling as confident as ever. It would be wise for you to hop on the bandwagon now if you haven’t already.

The good people over at SB Nation think the Stoops brothers need some time away from football. Like the article mentions, it has been a busy offseason for all three of the Stoops boys: Mark is rebuilding a program; Mike is hatin’ on Johnny Manziel; and Bob is hatin’ on everyone. They need to get away for a bit.

So SB Nation followed them around on a make-believe vacation to the Grand Canyon and documented their travels. An example:

JUNE 7, STOP 3: Ute Lake State Park, Logan, NM

Brother Mike thought this was the greatest freaking place in the whole world. He spent an hour trying to ride armadillos, and the next few hours trying to grab fish in the lake the same way bears try to catch salmon.

Luckily Brother Mark packed plenty of sandwiches earlier in the day, because the crew was certainly famished. The brothers could always count on Mark to stay on task and organized.

Brother Bob isn’t what we call the biggest fan of state parks, so he put on his Discman and listened to the first half of a George Jones disc. The first half was his favorite half.

DRIVE TIME: 40 MINUTES

You can read stories from the rest of the fictional trip here.

Archie Goodwin took a break from combining to have a little chat with Andy Katz in front of ESPN’s cameras this afternoon. When asked about his thoughts on next year’s Wildcats, Goodwin told him, “They’re gonna be a tough team to deal with next year. They have a lot of talent coming in along with the guys that came back this year, so it’s going to be hard for them to lose next year. And I’ll be rooting for them the whole way.”

Archie also said he still sees himself at two-guard in the NBA but he’s open to moving to point if that’s what a team needs him to do.

Cats.

The Andrew Wiggins hoopla is done and gone and we are getting close to summer arriving. So it is time to get a few notes on the barbie:

— We will begin the 2014 class focus in earnest next week but for now lets take one more celebratory look at the 2013 class joining. We can all debate what the starting lineup will be next year and Kentucky has a lot of options. But let’s assume for argument sake that the one I think is most likely takes the floor:

PG: Andrew Harrison
SG: Aaron Harrison
SF: Alex Poythress
PF: Julius Randle
C: Willie Cauley-Stein

In this lineup, the 3/4 are basically the same position and the team is super athletic and quick. If this is the lineup, Kentucky will LIKELY START FIVE FUTURE LOTTERY PICKS. Read that sentence again. Five future lottery picks. Then on the second team:

PG: Dominique Hawkins/Jarrod Polson
SG: James Young
SF: Kyle Wiltjer
PF: Marcus Lee
C: Dakari Johnson

We will probably never see this actual lineup in practice due to its tremendous size, but for argument’s sake, THE SECOND TEAM HAS THREE FUTURE FIRST ROUND PICKS, plus Kyle Wiltjer who is likely to be drafted somewhere eventually. Your reserve team has three guys who will be first round picks, all of whom could play their way into the lottery eventually. That is insane.

So would it have been nice to get Wiggins? Undoubtedly yes. But, it doesn’t mean things aren’t great as is.

— You heard Calipari talk yesterday about how he would no longer recruit in a way to “protect” players. What does that mean? Well if you use your Calipari decoder ring, you know that it means that he won’t do what plagued his group last year when he tried to protect Alex Poythress and Archie Goodwin. Calipari believed in both guys a great deal and in recruiting, tried to make sure not to bring in players that might trump them. When Dez Wells (who went to Maryland) and Arsalan Kazemi (who went to Oregon) became possibilities, Kentucky looked at both and wanted both. But then Calipari made the decision on both, to back down on the recruitments. Part of that decision may have been the desire to not express lack of confidence in two freshman who he knew might have fragile egos at first. He now realizes that was a mistake. Both of those players would have helped UK last year in a transfer role and the one transfer UK did get, Julius Mays, often led the team at the end of the year. He kept Poythress and Goodwin from competition, something he will never do again. Competition is going to make the players go and if they don’t thrive on it, then it will be on them.

— Big thanks to the folks at K&G Tire Pros in Oldham County for hosting the show today. Huge crowd of UK fans came out and it was a great time. Here we were after the UL fan stopped staring us down. You can get the podcasts here:

— On the football side of things, Kentucky may see up to 3 commitments in the next three weeks as a lot of big targets make their decision. Darius West will be choosing on May 30th and things look good for the Cats, as the other recruits press hard for someone they really want to add to the class. Add in WR Braxton “Honeynut” Berrios (the best nickname ever by the way…this kid will be a fan favorite) and the Cats could continue to increase the class soon. The key for UK is to continue to spread momentum throughout the summer leading into a season that may be difficult. I think you will see these decisions spread out in such a way so as to make that happen and continue the upwardly mobile rise of UK football in ways that many (including me) didn’t think were possible.

Big weekend ahead as UK Softball hosts its first regional in its history. On our way out, a salute to one of the legendary drivers of NASCAR, Dick Trickle. He committed suicide at the age of 71, a legend of the old school NASCAR ways. He is famous for his name (which people said on Sportscenter after every race) and his unique personality as shown by this video below…during a race in Talladega, Trickle takes a minute to enjoy a cigarette while driving around the track. Such characters are rare indeed. RIP Dick.

No word on the whereabouts of Lucas.

Congratulations on your new status as an alpha male! If you have received this pamphlet, it means you’ve been pinpointed as either an excellent leader or the type of person who must dominate any situation. Either way, a compliment! The following brief introduction should serve as an adequate outline to help you settle into your alpha status over the next several months. Feel free to disregard this at any time because you have better ideas. You wouldn’t be an alpha male if you didn’t!

As an alpha male, you will find yourself in certain societal instances whereupon the world needs you to take charge. What are you waiting for? Grab the bull by the horns, the tiger by its tail, and start calling the shots. After all, your ideas are what matter. They’re way better than that beta male’s, and infinitely superior to those epsilon or theta males in your circle of friends. And no one’s ever going to register what that omicron or phi male is saying, or even that he’s talking. Look at that fool. Who cares what he has to say? (Answer: no one.)

You may be wondering, as you read this next to another alpha male reading this same pamphlet, which of you ranks higher. Don’t worry about that, unless the person next to you is an alpha beast, in which case you might want to slowly step away at this point. Alpha beasts have an upper hand on alpha males in nearly every circumstance and should be respected as having such.

You may also be wondering how to wield your newfound title and skills to their greatest extents. This is normal, and it’s why we today offer a few tips on how to take full advantage of your alpha males status. Please take note and use these examples as general guidelines  on which to base your own future decisions.

Normal People: Wait for others to finish talking

Alpha Males: Talk whenever they want.

Normal People: Don’t yell at others.

Alpha Males: Yell at others whenever they feel like it.

Normal People: Whine and cry when they get “hurt.”

Alpha Males: Turn pain into an almost cult-like ritual of negative power consumption and photosynthesize it into a determined streak of unstoppability precisely honed for success.

The problem with these “Normals” is that they just don’t have what you have: They’re not going to step in for anyone when he or she is “sick” (sickness: another problem you won’t have to worry about), they’re not going to lead anyone to greatness. Leave them to their knitting and their home flipping television programs, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Think of it as this series of equations:

ALPHA MALES > NORMALS

ALPHA BEASTS > ALPHA MALES

ALPHA MONSTERS > ALPHA BEASTS

NORMALS > FLOWERS, ANTS, BABIES (ex. alpha male babies)

Also, the easy to remember acronym HAM SALAD will serve as a constant reminder of your mission:

Hail Alpha Males for Seeking Admiration, Love and Dedication.

Should you suspect another alpha male is in your presence and wish to secretly communicate that you as well are in this clandestine fraternity of awesomeness, simply ask him the phrase:

“What are you doing today?”

to which the only response should be:

“Whatever I damn well please.”

You and your new friend will now be ready to attack each other in a neverending contest of one-upsmanship and dominance.

There are several perks to your new alpha male status, including being the first out of the building during a fire alarm or actual fire emergency, an automatic respect of all ideas and actions you share with others, and the ability to talk to eagles, which are the you of birds. It’s always important to use your alpha male status wisely and carefully, however, to avoid changing the world too much. Many Normals just aren’t ready for that kind of action.

Sound good? Are you ready to get out there and start imposing your will on the world? Good! Now tear this pamphlet up, throw it on the ground, and go get ‘em! Because that’s what alpha males do, and we’re all ready for you to start getting all up in our grills. Good luck and just let us all know if you need anything; happy to help. Thank you in advance for any accolades or championships you may accrue by being awesome. It’s much appreciated.